And not in a Magic Mike kind of way.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Ruff Ruff My Name is Elton, and I'm Gay
Well, now we have heard everything. This adorable bulldog mix was left at a high-kill shelter in Jackson, TN Because his owner claims he's gay. Besides watching way too much Bravo, and listening to Judy Garland, the owner was tipped off when his dog hunched over another male dog. The nerve of a dog to do what a dog naturally does, regardless of gender, or vital signs. We picture the scenario going down something like this:
Cleatus: Get inside this house with that newspaper, I need to take a dump, and I need to wipe myself with something.
Dog: Barky, Barky
Cleatus: What the Hell? What?! I'll be damned. My dude dog is humpin another dude dog. My dog is gay!
The dog's story became well known and circulated on a facebook page about euthanasia in Jackson, and he was eventually saved and adopted by a vet tech from Jackson who named him Elton. Hey, I thought Elton was a bitch!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
R.I.P. Patty Andrews
Patty Andrews, the last surviving member of the Andrews sisters, passed away in the comfort of her home in Northridge, a suburb of Los Angeles, today at the age of 94. Patty, LaVerne, and Maxene entertained millions with their songs "The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy", "Rum and Coca-Cola", and many, many others.
Rest in peace Patty, God Bless.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I See London, I See France . . . Eww, London Crapped His Underpants
The more normal part of the London twins, Jason London was arrested early Sunday morning in Scottsdale, Arizona and proceeded to shit himself in the cop car. Apparently, it went down like this for the 40-year-old thespian: Cops arrived at the Martini Ranch after calls were made about a man bleeding in the street. The man in the street was Jason London, who had been thrown out of the club. Why, might you ask would such a huge Hollywood star be thrown out of a club? Well, this was a night filled with bad manners for Jason. He was thrown out because he sneezed on a bouncer and when the bouncer, reasonably enough, asked for an apology, London punched him in the face. Maybe the bouncer didn't say God Bless You. Paramedics were called to the scene but had a hard time treating London, as he became very aggressive and resistant. Cops had to deliver a knee strike just to keep him seated, to which London called one of the cops a "fucking hilbilly." He was eventually arrested for disorderly conduct/fighting and assault. Whilst in the cop car he let out a slew of homophobic slurs calling the cops faggots, and in proving he was obviously drunk beyond reason saying "I'm rich and I'm a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up bitch." Then, in foreshadowing his next big move, London proclaimed "It smells like shit in your car and your breath smells like diarrhea." According to the police report, London leaned to the left and pooped in his pants. He then said, "I told you I'm happy as shit." Cops spoke to his wife Sofia, whose only explanation is that he is an asshole when he drinks. She also said that Jason has no recollection of the event. Hmmm, maybe his underwear will jog his memory.
Ashley Judd and that Scottish Racecar Driver With an Italian Name Driving in the Fastlane to Splitsville
After more than a decade of marriage, Ashley Judd and Dario Franchitti are splitting up. We feel sad for them, but well, I don't know. I used to like Ashley Judd when she was on Sisters as (the second) Reed, the somewhat rebellious and stoic daughter of Alex, but lately, well she just seems like kind of full of herself. Kind of an Ass. Maybe this split will bring back the old Ashley, oh and while you're at it bring back Sisters too, I love that show!
Tom and Gisele's Starter Home
Tom Brady and Gisele are finally able to move into their 20 million dollar house after 3 years of construction. The house, located in L.A.'s Brentwood area is 22,000 square feet, with a resort style swimming pool, a customized playground for their rugrats and a motherfuckin moat in the front with a bridge to cross. Gisele told People Magazine, "We are excited to be using solar power as the main source of electricity in our home, and we are planting our own herbs, fruits and vegetables, which will be my favorite part of the house." To take a line from you Gisele, "Um, Excuse me but . . ." you don't need a 20 million dollar home to plant your own herbs, fruits and vegetables, in fact you don't need any home for that. When you have a house with a moat, that moat better damn well be your favorite part!
Oh Good-Chris Brown is at it Again
Because for some reason, we don't put psychopaths in institutions anymore (I miss lobotomies)...this person is still walking the streets, apparently just getting into random fights over parking spaces with Frank Ocean. Ocean tweeted that he got "jumped by Chris and a couple of guys" and that they cut his finger, causing him to not be able to perform with two hands at the Grammy's. But wait, there's more...Chris Brown instagramed this picture:
with the caption "painting the way I feel today-focus on what matters!"
You know, because he's totally sane. So to recap: Chris Brown jumps a gay man, hurts him enough that his performance may be affected, and apparently thinks he's Jesus. Yeah.
ANGEL: Lord, Chris Brown painted this picture of you to compare you dying for our sins to him assaulting someone over a parking space.
JESUS: Fuckin' D-bag...
-How that happened.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Jennifer Lawrence Rips Dress at SAG Awards; Probably thinks Her Movie Cures Cancer
I don't really ever watch the SAG Awards because I can only take so much celebrity masturbation on-screen, and it's just too damn new for me, but I did happen to catch Jennifer Lawrence ripping her dress before a nice little speech ramble where she let it be known the only reason she is a "serious actress" now is because she was in those promos for MTV's My Super Sweet 16 eight years ago. Thank you MTV, for now letting me know I was ogling a 14 year old. You sick bastards.
Here is the SAG thing.
And here is the Super Sweet 16 thing.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Kris Jenner is Probably Worse Than Hitler...Probably
"The new master race will have dead eyes, gargantuan asses, and hair 'neath their armpits and noses that you can hide from the allied forces in." -Kris Jenner's hidden journal.
Because poor Robert Kardashian sure can pick 'em...his widow, Ellen released his journals to In Touch magazine, you know, because she's a good person who does things for good, noble reasons. She should have a latte with Courtney Love. Anyway...in these journals, Robert Kardashian basically says what everyone already knew, that his ex-wife Kris was a terrible, awful, fame-whoring wench, with the additional fun fact that she beat her children and left them alone on Christmas to go blow some golfer. Here are some warm and fuzzy quotes, via In Touch:
"Kris was kicking and beating her and said she was going to kill [Kim]" -Aug. 24, 1989
"She doesn't leave a number in case of emergency. She doesn't care! She left [the] kids and screwed all night!" -Dec. 15, 1989 (referring to affair with Todd Waterman)
"I was home alone with 4 kids." -Dec. 25, 1989 (I guess she was with Todd Waterman?)
The Kardashian Klan has since denied the beatings, and called Ellen "trash", which is really the sex tape calling the kettle black if you ask me, also, while it is super tacky to release your late husband's journals because you're bankrupt, it was still Robert who wrote them, so it's kinda flimsy for the Kardashian sisters to deny this stuff happening. Hmmm...strong evidence pointing in one direction, but still the Kardashians denying something-why does this sound so damn familiar? and why does an image of a white Bronco keep popping into my head?
In conclusion: what can you do? Oh yeah, beat them and make money off theirsex tapes reality shows, because if there is one thing that Kris Jenner knows, it's how to use her spawn to defend her exploiting, slut-bag, leech ass business, it's business and class.
In conclusion: what can you do? Oh yeah, beat them and make money off their
Ski Club
It has been reported that Tiger Woods is now dating Olympic Skier, Lindsey Vonn. Lindsey seems a little cold to us, but then again, so does Tiger, seen here with his family now broken up due to his rampant sexcapades. Lindsey is recently divorced from her husband Thomas Vonn. If Tiger is as kinky as those 100 or 18 or whatever hook-ups claim, the possibilites are endless with Lindsey and her skis and ski poles, and Tiger with his clubs. Oh, yeah, Lindsey says they are just friends, but still don't rule out the clubs and poles.Friday, January 25, 2013
You Go Girl! Uh-Hmmmm
Give her liberty or give her a dirtbag husband. Liberty Ross, the scorned wife of director Rupert Sanders filed for divorce in L.A. Superior Court on Friday. Sanders had an affair with Kristen Stewart last summer. He directed Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman, as well as How to Make Everyone Hate You Even More, and Me As Well, and Bloody Hell, Nobody Even Knows Who I Am! But They Hate Me Just The Same. It's a classic!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Good Grief!
Peter Robbins, 56, who is best known for being the voice of Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Christmas was charged on Wednesday with stalking and threatening his ex-girlfriend and the plastic surgeon who enhanced her boobs prior to their break-up. Robbins had supposedly paid for the surgery and was disappointed with the outcome. So Charlie Brown of him, never happy with anything.
We Have a Feeling VH1's "Couples Therapy" Will Be Around For a While
Might we suggest this new duo, Adrienne Maloof and Sean Stewart. Sean, the son of Rod, is no stranger to the production crews at VH1, he appeared on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. Sean is 32 to Adrienne's 51. We have a feeling Adrienne lost Harry Morton to Demi Moore in a game of rock, paper, scissors.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Shia LaBeouf Dropped Acid for Movie Role
Uh, yeah, yeah, me too. It was for a movie role.
Meth-head actor Shia LaBeouf decided to drop acid to be authentic for his new movie The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman. He then sent tapes of his trip to costar Evan Rachel Wood, who coincidentally looks like someone you might run into on a trip, for pointers. Explains LaBeouf "Not like she's the expert on set, I'm just saying you reach out to friends and you sort of gauge where you're at. So I was sending tapes around. I'd get fifty percents from people, and that starts creeping me out, and I got really nervous. Towards the end, I was like . . ."
i'm not sure how The Curious Death of Charlie Button will do at the Box Office because of this, but I am pretty sure that it is an actor's job to ACT. In this reporter's opinion, drugs are for off camera, and doing them and sending tapes of the outcome makes you one brick shy a LaBeouf. Ho!
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Tory from Saved By The Bell
This late-season filler was hot! And kinda badass (cuz she wore a leather coat, ya see).
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Beyonce: She Doesn't JUST Fake Pregnancies!
Apparently, Beyoncé lip-synced at the Presidential Inauguration yesterday. This should come as no surprise to anyone since she shoved a pillow up her dress for nine months and BAM! a baby is born. She's like the O.J. Simpson of fakery...just keep sticking to the lie and you know, something like this will come up and screw you. It's uncanny.
R.I.P. Michael Winner
Michael Winner, director of the (totally badass) Death Wish movies has died at age 77. He was an amazing director, and managed to be a crowd pleaser without being pretentious. He will be missed.
God Bless.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Is This the Return of Crazy Britney?
It's after a break-up, she's out of a job on the X Factor, and she's flashing some lady parts. If those boots make a repeat appearance this week, I would say we can expect some Crazy Town up in this Biyatch. P.S. Britney, your hair looks cute in that ponytail, please don't shave it again!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
R.I.P. Stan Musial
Hall of Fame outfielder for the St. Louis Cardinals, Stan Musial passed away today surrounded by family at his home in Ladue, MO. He was 92 years old. Musial played 22 seasons with the Cardinals and won 3 National League MVP Awards, as well as 3 World Series. He was a great player and true gentleman. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.
MJF, WTF?
 |
| open for business |
as a silly but very true joke
at the Golden Globes has
turned into yet another
celebrity apologizing to
Taylor Swift. After Tina Fey told her to stay away from Michael J. Fox's son Sam who was Mr. Golden Globes, MJ told New York Magazine's Vulture site that he would not be in favor of his son dating Swift, because it's not a good idea to date someone who writes a song about everyone she has ever dated, adding "What a way to build a career." SNAP! So True! Well now
"Not Too" Swift has gone and said to her Twitter followers "Hey everybody, Michael J. Fox got in touch with me today and we are good, Thank you for having my back."
You know what? Taylor Swift is the biggest fucking bully out there. She's like that girl in High School, or remedial cooking school, that sleeps with all the guys, goes around saying how small their dicks are, then gets her gang to threaten you if you say anything bad about her, like oh I don't know, THE TRUTH! Plus she has her people go after innocent men with Parkinson's Disease! Our only hope is that MJF did not apologize, and this is just another crazy delusion from the slow Swift. FIngers crossed!
Friday, January 18, 2013
R.I.P. Robert F. Chew
Robert F. Chew, best known as Proposition Joe from The Wire died on January 17th of heart failure at age 52. He was not only a great actor but also a teacher and mentor at the Baltimore Arena Players.
I would just like to say that it's not often such a talented actor gives back to the community the way Robert did. He stayed grounded, and focused on teaching and sharing his gift. God bless, Robert. Rest in Peace.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Michael J. Fox is AWESOME
Because Alex P. Keaton don't fuck around, Michael J. Fox told Taylor Swift in no uncertain terms to keep her dirty, syphilis-ridden Kennedy compound of a vagina the hell away from his son. Via E!News:
"No. No, just back off." Fox said "I don't keep up with it all," Fox told Vulture.com when asked at a book party about the idea of Swift dating 23-year-old Sam. "But Taylor Swift writes songs about everybody she goes out with, right?"
When the reporter answered in the affirmative, Fox replied, "What a way to build a career."
Prodded further, Fox said, "I wouldn't even know who she was" if she showed up at his house on his son's arm. But he'd probably put two and two together, he added, upon the release of the inevitable breakup tune.
"'Sam, You Piece of S--t,'" Fox joked, imagining his reaction. "'Oh...that was the girl you brought home!'"
Fucking sweet, not only did this sly Fox manage to subtly downplay Swift's career, but also to basically say that she's KINDA a whore. Long live the FOX!
Al Pacino is Playing Joe Paterno; Sandusky to be Played By That Monster in Your Closet, Timmy
Al Pacino will be portraying the late, great Penn State football coach Joe Paterno in a Brian De Palma film based on Joe Posnanski's best-seller, "Paterno". So, ya know...the NCAA can suck it-they may have destroyed a man's legacy, but if there's one man who can bring it back, it's Tony Montana...HOO-AH.
R.I.P. Pauline Friedman Phillips (1919-2013)
Via The Washington Post:
Pauline Friedman Phillips, who under the name of Abigail Van Buren, wrote the long-running “Dear Abby” advice column that was followed by millions of newspaper readers throughout the world, has died. She was 94.
Publicist Gene Willis of Universal Uclick said Phillips died Wednesday after a long battle with Alzheimer’s disease.I read the "Dear Abbey" column a lot when I was a kid, and I always loved her pithy, helpful replies to people's issues-even the stupid ones...ESPECIALLY the stupid ones.
God Bless.
Kourtney Kardashian Offers to Breast Feed Kim's Baby; You Know, Because They're NORMAL
Everyone pretty much already know the Kardashians as a roving band of dead-eyed, monotone, weirdly close gypsies, but did you also know they are into tit-switching their young? Via The Independent:
"Kourtney Kardashian has this week revealed her unique plans for her sister, Kim Kardashian's baby, offering to wet nurse whilst on babysitting duty.
Somebody, Get This Girl an Enema! It's an Emergency!
Jessica Dorothy Alba, you have two beautiful daughters, a husband, you are a great-- you're an actress, and most importantly, you were the best dressed at the Golden Globes. You put a damn smile on your face right now! Right now I say!
Kim Kardashian Waves to Fans While Holding in Fart
A hurricane wind couldn't get through those cheeks when squeezed together
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Notre Lame!!
Icky Doodles! This is an extremely sordid and sick story that continues to develop. Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o claimed his girlfriend died of Leukemia back in September, just hours after his grandmother passed away. The story gained Te'o sympathy and publicity that followed him throughout his bid for the Heisman Trophy, which he lost to Johnny Manziel, but he did come in second in votes. So the shit hits the fan when Deadspin.com breaks that no one named Lennay Kekua has ever existed, oh yeah that was supposedly the name of Te'o's deceased girlfriend. Te'o insistes he was not part of this hoax, but merely a victim of a cruel online dating joke. Hmm, is he that stupid to be tricked, or is he that stupid to think that we're that stupid to believe that he is that stupid? Either way, I guess making up a boyfriend with a terminal illness isn't as fool proof as I thought. I swear he exists. He just isn't up to going out. His name is George. George Glass.
Jenelle Evans of Teen Mom 2 is Pregnant Again; File This Under Uh-Oh!
Gee, Jenelle, that is just great, really great news. This reminds me of that movie Idiocracy, where the world gets super dumb because all the idiots who shouldn't have kids keep procreating because they don't give a fuck, and then all the people who are actually intelligent, take too much time thinking things through, so eventually it's just idiot offspring running our world. This is what I'm writing in her baby shower card by the way.
R.I.P. Conrad Bain
Conrad Bain, who is most famous for playing Phillip Drummond, the wealthy adoptive father of Gary Coleman and Todd Bridges on Diff'rent Strokes passed away in Livermore, CA on Monday. He was 89 years old. His daughter, Jennifer said he had died peacefully of natural causes. In addition to his daughter, Bain is survived by his three sons and a twin brother. His wife Monica passed away in 2009. He was a great actor with a greater heart. He will be missed.
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