Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Simon Cowell Knocked Up Some Lady

Simon Cowell expecting baby with friends wife
"You're awful.  Get naked."

Because Simon Cowell is such a good friend, he impregnated his close friend's wife, who will now be leaving her husband to be with her baby daddy.  So yeah, this has all the makings for a success.  This is going to be the Bo Bice of parenting.

UPDATE:  According to UsWeekly, Simon says he will "take care of everything."  Hide the coat hangers.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tracy Turnblad from Hairspray
Fighting segregation and bad hair days one watusi at a time

Nick Jonas Uses Diabetes to Thrill Gay Men Everywhere

Nick Jonas, of the musical brothers, posted a post-workout selfie on Instagram Tuesday. The 20-year-old explaines the narcissistic post with "I never do this but…Healthy living and fitness update" with the hashtag "diabetic in shape 2.0." Nick, we think it's great that you are a diabetic who's in shape, but you do realize this looks eerily similar to the movie poster for Diabetics Who Want it in the Butt. Hey Bro, just so you know.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Real Drama


When you can't trust housewives on t.v. then who can you trust? I mean what is this world coming to? Teresa and Joe Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Joisy were released, each on a $500,000 bond after appearing in court today to face federal fraud charges. The couple is charged with exaggerating income on loan applications and falsifying documents, prior to their "success" on the reality  t.v. show. They could face up to 50 years in jail! For some reason, I don't think makin' up with her brother is the main issue in her life right now.

Justin Theroux Severely Underestimates the Tightness of His Clothes

Can't… move… closer

Friday, July 26, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Nermal from Garfield
It's perfectly normal to adore Nermal!

It's a Little Early for Halloween…

but we'll play along. Nicole, you're Mr. Furley, and your husband over there, he's Matt Dillon from There's Something About Mary. Not sure what the kids are dressed as.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Kanye West Won't Be Facing Felony Charges For This Shit...Sure, Why Not?

NO Brazil
Because comparing yourself to Jesus Christ apparently gives you the power of douchebaggery the likes of which even the Disick family is incapable of, here is Kanye West doing something that most people might be arrested for.  Of course, Kanye West isn't most people.  On a scale of Anthony Weiner to O.J., he is a Phil Spector.


HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Guy on the Couch from Half Baked
Our favorite: the sleepy, silent type.

Potty Like a Rockstar

Only the best for our butts

On golden toilet seats no less. Apparently Kimye has spent over $750,000 on gold-plated toilet seats for their new mansion in Bel-Air. This pretty much sums up the Kardashians…no matter how much gold is surrounding, it's still shit.



Our Favorite Television Love Story

Forget Luke and Laura, Ross and Rachel, Ouisie and George. The best couple on T.V. is Walt and Jesse! We'll miss you guys.

Anthony Weiner IS Carlos Danger

Above is sexiest man alive, Anthony Weiner, who apparently took on the persona of Carlos Danger for sex chats with a 22 year old last summer.  I think the real tragedy is the fact that this man was born with a perfectly fine sex scandal name, and he goes and muddies it up with this Carlos Danger bullshit.  Who would you rather have, New York?  Mayor Weiner or Mayor Danger?  It's in your hands.  

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Royal Baby Has a Name

It's Simba George.  George everyone. 

I know we fought a revolution do we wouldn't have to give a shit about the royal family, but ya know-in case you're trying to impress a British chick and you've run out of Monty Python jokes.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Jean-Luc Picard
'Nuff said.

The Royal Baby is...Fuck That-Amanda Bynes is Starting Fires Now

Okay, so after allegedly robbing her weed dealer, which-come on, manners...Amanda Bynes started a fire in an elderly woman's driveway, according to TMZ.  When police arrived and questioned Bynes, they determined she was batshit crazy enough to be hospitalized on a 5150 (involuntary psychiatric) hold.  

So now that she's finally, officially crazy-I think we all have a lot of straight-jacket/sour patch kids sucking YouTube videos coming our way.  Keep watch-she'll be dressed up as Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and repeating how this is her greatest role...oh, and how ugly Justin Bieber is, or the Queen of England, or some shit.  'Cause that's how she do it.   

Monday, July 22, 2013

This Happened

Mmm...plastic and meth.  Gimmie Gimmie Gimmie.

Apparently Byran Cranston dressed up as himself for Comicon, and then took off the life-like and very creepy mask for Aaron Paul to play with.  Move over Malcolm, daddy's got a new favorite boy.

Congrat-u-freakin'-lations


I feel like she's been pregnant forever! But today at about 4:24 PM Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed a son weighing in at 8 lbs, 6 oz. No name has been released yet, but our inside sources tell us it's Ralph.

R.I.P. Dennis Farina

The veteran actor passed away Monday morning in Scottsdale, Arizona after suffering a blood clot in his lung. He was 69 years old. Farina was from a Sicilian-American family and served on the burglary division of the Chicago Police Force before becoming an actor at 37 years old. Perhaps using his experience, he played characters on both sides of the law, including Detective Joe Fontana from 2004 to 2006 on Law & Order. Farina also appeared in movies, including Snatch, Get Shorty, Midnight Run, That Old Feeling, and most recently HBO series Luck, as well as commercials. He was truly everywhere, but you never got sick of him.  He is survived by his three sons, six grandchildren and longtime love Marianne Cahill. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Paulette from Grease 2

This Pink Lady makes all the other girls green with envy

THIS IS AWESOME!!!

Did you feel that? No, it's not an earthquake, it's about 1 million boners at the sight of Mulder and Scully's reunion! The two hit up Comic-Con in San Diego on Thursday to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the most awesome show ever. Okay, well second to Maude.

R.I.P. Helen Thomas

The feisty, no holds barred White House correspondent passed away Saturday morning at her apartment in Washington, D.C. after being ill for a period of time. She was 92. Thomas was a staple in the front row of White House Press conferences, serving up curve balls rather than softpitch to nine presidents. She is an American icon who will be missed. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family and friends.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Talia Castellano; a True Covergirl

 
This brave, bubbly, young lady lost her fight with cancer the other day, but before she died, she made a bucket list with over 70 goals she wanted to accomplish.  They included "get a tattoo" "cover a car in sticky notes" and, most importantly, "be loved". 
 
 
Fans of Talia Castellano have been completing the items on her bucket list, and her family has posted the photos of completed goals to Facebook. 
 
This sweet young lady loved life, wanted to live every moment beautifully, and spread joy through her YouTube videos and sparkling spirit.  A true angel. 


Of Course Jenny McCarthy Pisses People Off

Jenny McCarthy is joining The View, replacing co-host Joy Behar.
"If I wear glasses, they will think I'm a real doctor!  Flawless reasoning, DOCTOR McCarthy" (chuckles to self)

Because the smell of dried up ovaries was deafening, The View decided to plunk the oversexed, under-brained Jenny McCarthy in the middle of their hen circle as a permanent co-host, (replacing Joy Behar), starting in September.  Her addition has been  met with some anger on account of her outspoken anti-vaccination stance.

So get ready moms, to be squwaked at about how to raise your kids from someone who willingly dated Jim Carey.  Oh, and she's probably fucking retarded. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Daphne from Scooby-Doo
No wonder Fred always wants to partner up with her

Call 911, The Aliens Have Landed!

We come in peace. We just want you to watch our crappy movies and listen to our crappy music.

Hey Johnny, Let's Go Shopping For Some New Clothes!

We get it, you're a free spirit, but in these getups, your heartthrob status is aging about as well as the block of swiss cheese I just found in my car. You're still really good looking, but you're going to be really good at looking like a middle-aged woman in a poetry club if you keep this up. 

Monday, July 15, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Papa John


Uhm-yeah why not?

Kris Jenner is Fucking Nuts; You Already Knew That, You Say?


Here is Kris Jenner in a promo ad for her new daytime talk show (I know, I know, but worry not, this just means the Apocalypse is coming soon) with some random crew person's baby, whom she is trying to pass off as a double for her grandchild.  

So to recap-a crazy whore is using someone else's child, to POSE as her own grandchild to promote a show that only Satan could have thought up on an off-day.  Game over people.  

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Cory Monteith Has Died

 
This is really just too sad...
 
 
Via The New York Times:
 
Cory Monteith, who played an upbeat and outgoing young student and singing coach on the hit Fox musical comedy series “Glee,” but who battled substance abuse problems in his personal life, was found dead in a hotel room in Vancouver, British Columbia, on Saturday. He was 31.
The police said that Mr. Monteith was found dead in his 21st-floor room at the Fairmont Pacific Rim hotel in Vancouver at about noon after he missed his scheduled checkout time. They said that there was no indication of foul play and that people Mr. Monteith had been with earlier were being interviewed, but that they believe he was alone when he died.       
The coroner will try to establish the cause of death, a police statement said.
Mr. Monteith, a 6-foot-3 performer with a youthful countenance and a soft-spoken demeanor who described himself on his personal Twitter page as a “tall, awkward, Canadian, actor, drummer, person,” gained worldwide attention when “Glee” made its debut on the Fox network in 2009.
On that series, Mr. Monteith played Finn Hudson, an Ohio high school student and football star who initially had no interest in joining his school’s struggling glee club for fear it would cost him his popularity and social standing.
But once drawn into the singing squad, Finn became a crucial member, sharing vocal duties on its signature cover of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’,” and also sharing romantic tensions with his fellow students Rachel (Lea Michele) and Quinn (Dianna Agron). In recent episodes, Finn graduated from high school but returned to coach the glee squad of which he had once been a member.
 
 
There really isn't much else to say here, except that we should all keep in mind that nobody is truly alone when they die.  Cory is sharing his voice with angels now, and we will always remember him as the awkward kid with a heart and voice of gold, not his struggles.  Prayers to his family, friends and loved ones. 
 
 
Farewell Finn...you made glee club cool.  

Saturday, July 13, 2013

So These Two Are Fucking

Donnie Walhberg, Jenny McCarthy Are Dating

Because washed-up nineties stars should stick together, Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg are grossing out people with their sex-talk all over the place.  Here is a taste from her blog about I don't even know what.  I'm sorry.

"Let's just say we visually give 50 Shades of Grey a run for its money.  It gets steamy. I mean like really steamy.  Being turned on by a guy is always fun but to have it legitimately happen to you on TV is to be turned back into a 12-year old.  By the time we get the the groundbreaking interview , my face turns fifty shades of RED." 


SOOO-Donnie Wahlberg is fucking a 12 year old?  That's what I'm taking away from this odd statement.  He turned her into a 12 year old on television and she is an idiot.  Journalism, you have met your match.

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Leah Remini Escapes Scientology; Tom Cruise's Penis Shrinks Five Inches

Leah Remini has reportedly left the spaceship of Scientology over "growing discontent" and was fed up with the church leader, Crazy McWhatthefuck's thought modification procedures.  Yeah you read that right.  It gets weirder from there...apparently, nobody is allowed to question the "leader" whose wife  hasn't been seen since 2007?  "Sea Org religious order", "interrogations", and "Mimi Rogers" were all terms used in the Page Six article, I'm guessing to scare young children to eat their vegetables:

"Eat up Billy, or Mimi Rogers will modulate your thoughts with Tom Cruise's Sphincter.  Danny Masterson will be there too!  Oh, and uh-Sea Org!"

Trust me-it will work.  Your kid will turn into a damn rabbit.  




Is It Possible…

John Travolta is so not afraid to look gay, he's actually the straightest man in the world?

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Bill Murray from that Episode of Square Pegs
If there is any way that you can get a hold of this episode, watch it.  You won't regret it. 


Justin Bieber Pisses in Mop Bucket; Hates Bill Clinton

Via TMZ
"Justin Bieber is an oblivious, self-important little twit who goes out of his way to make the working man's life miserable -- just watch this video of the singer pissing into a restaurant mop bucket ... and laughing like he's the king of the world.

The clip was shot in NYC earlier this year -- we're told Bieber and his idiotic friends were leaving some nightclub, exiting through a restaurant kitchen, and Bieber decided he needed to take a leak.

But rather than go to a bathroom like a civilized person, Bieber -- wearing pants that should literally be illegal -- whipped out his junk and whizzed into a yellow mop bucket used to clean the restaurant's floors ... meaning whoever's job it was to mop the place up had to physically change Bieber's disgusting piss water.

And the worst part ... Bieber's friends act like the restaurant should be HONORED that the singer decided to piss there. It's revolting. Oh yeah, at the end of the video, Bieber sprays a photo of Bill Clinton with cleaning liquid for some reason ... saying, "F*** Bill Clinton!"



Uhm-Sooooo Canada, we would like to make a return...we will be sending you a douche-shaped package any day now.  Air holes? Meh...he breathes his own farts, oh, and we're gonna go ahead and keep Drake, cuz he hasn't murdered Amanda Bynes's vagina yet and we really wanna see how that turns out. 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Frankie Fanelli from The Fanelli Boys
For a limited time, you could see the hotness of this guy and his brothers

George Clooney Shaves His Beard

When something is just for show to try and hide who you really are, well it's bound to get a little tiresome. All that upkeep, trying to make it look just right for photos, awards shows, it can go on and on. You don't have to tell anyone, or make any grand announcement, everyone will know it's gone, and hopefully you don't replace it this time with an even younger looking one, maybe just try going without one for a while, trust me it won't hurt your image Georgie boy. Oh, and Clooney also split with his girlfriend Stacey Kiebler.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Thanks for the Mem-Murray

Congratulations Great Britain! One of your own has finally won the Men's Singles title after a 77 year draught. Andy Murray of Scotland just beat Novak Djokovic of Serbia in straight sets at the storied tournament. Balls to the wall!

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Jennifer Aniston Dare Let Fast Food Pass Through Her Pristine System

Jennifer Aniston
Because, according to NewYork Magazine, this is what passes as news...via E!

In a fast food confession to New York Magazine, the 44-year-old actress is recounting an incident in which she and fiancé Justin Theroux found themselves eating the burger chain's signature meal.
"I'll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry," Aniston says. "The only thing around was McDonald's. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system. I am always trying to eat organic and natural foods, so that just made my stomach turn and made me feel terrible. And I think what you put in your body, as well as stress, is reflected in the quality of your skin."
"She'll never forget" that time?  I am assuming eating a Big Mac was Jennifer Aniston's personal 9/11, in which case, oh me oh my, where is HER parade?  Ahh yes, coming out her ass in explosive diarrhea form.   


This Looks...uhm, Something...

Lena Dunham and 'Fun' musician, Jack Antonoff, take a stroll through Washington, DC on July 4, 2013. 'Fun' is set to perform at the White House's fifth annual 'Salute to the Troops' concert on July 4, 2013.
Professional beard Lena Dunham and her girlfriend Thatguyfromfun invaded Washington D.C. July Fourth, uh-I'm guessing because Washington D.C. doesn't have enough problems?  Anyway-I'm bored of this already so this is the time when I usually trail off iewadndsfnsor....oh hey, donuts!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Courtney Stodden Got Her Big Girl Tits...Thought You Should Know


Ain't they pretty?  We should all be so lucky to have a husband/father treat us to big, red, misshapen boobs on OUR 45th birthday.  

Michael Jordan Tried to Win Kennedy's Virginity in a Dice Game? Hows About No

 
Because who wouldn't want that...hot...nineties...ass-and I just threw up...
 
 
According to her new book The Kennedy Chronicles (why?) irrelevant past MTV VJ Kennedy claims that Michael Jordan gambled with her virginity... via TMZ
 
Kennedy — who was a huge MTV VJ back in the ’90s — details the encounter in her new book “The Kennedy Chronicles” … explaining how she was having dinner with MJ and Russell Simmons at the Bowery Bar in NYC, when Michael broke out some dice.
Before long, Kennedy says, Jordan decided it was “time to play for something” … and said, “If I win, you come back to my hotel room with me tonight.”
Kennedy says she freaked out because she was a virgin –and imagined MJ’s giant penis would “eviscerate me from the inside out” … so she asked if they could play for Knicks tickets instead.
And that’s when Jordan allegedly reminded Kennedy he had a wife — and offered her Nets tickets as a consolation.
“Sure, he’ll filet my vag like a sea bass if he won at dice on a men’s room floor,” Kennedy writes … “but as soon as I want basketball tickets he’s a Promise Keeper? Whatevs.”
 
Here's the thing: I don't find it hard to believe that MJ would cheat on his wife, but I do find it hard to believe that Kennedy would be hanging out with Russell Simmons and Michael Jordan.  And the fact that MJ just carries around dice?  Come on...this just sounds like what every sheltered white girl with glasses believes every black man does.  "oh, and my heavens, what a big penis he had, why, he could barely tap dance with that watermelon he always munchin' on with that monster penis.  Oh, Scarlett, what was I to do?"


Michael Jackson is Dead; Why Not Talk About Molestation?

 
Because we live in a country of "you're dead?  Fuck it, let me file some more complaints about you touching me, where were my parents?  Who the fuck knows?"  There have been more and more stories springing up and lawsuits and all that fun hoopla over the past few weeks regarding Michael Jackson and those kids. 
 
Listen...I know that molesting kids is wrong, and if anything did happen here well, shit-but for God's sake, we should stop treating him like Freddy fucking Krueggar-he's dead people...and raping the shit out of his estate won't ease your pain.  Just a thought. 
 
 


HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mrs. Andrews from Freaky Friday
Whoever's in this body is hot!

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Kanye West Listens to Too Much Tony Robbins

For his first Father's Day, Kim Kardashian gifted Kanye West with computer mice (although real ones would have been much cooler) signed by Apple co-founders Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs. Apparently, West fancies himself the Steve Jobs of hip hop. He recently told The New York Times "I am undoubtedly, you know, Steve of Internet, downtown, fashion, culture. Period. By a long jump. I honestly feel that because Steve has passed, you know it's like when Biggie passed and Jay-Z was allowed to become Jay-Z." First of all Kanye, what fucked up Roman Empire world are you living in? West goes on to say, "I will be the leader of a company that ends up being worth billions of dollars, because I got the answers. I understand culture. I am the nucleus." In related news, I can fly, I am the most popular girl on my block and everyone wants to be me. I am good enough, I am smart enough, and doggonit, people like me.