Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
R.I.P. Richard Griffiths
Richard Griffiths, the talented character actor who played in such films as the Harry Potter series and History Boys has passed away due to complications from heart surgery. He was 65.
He went way too soon, but his talent will live on forever. Rest in Peace and God Bless.
Kim Kardashian Wants to Name Daughter Easton West
On The Tonight Show with Jay Leno yesterday, Kim Kardashian talked baby names, because, well-what else is she gonna talk about? Her talent or her non-existent boutiques? I think not, sir.
"I like Easton-Easton West. I think that's cute."
She said that the name probably won't be on the list, cause ya know, it's actually kinda clever, and why ruin a good thing? But I'm a helpful sort of fellow so here are my suggestions:
1.) Jumped the Shark West
2.) It's Either this or We Make the Family into a Band West
3.)Who Should get Pregnant? Khloe or Kim? Hmm-I really Don't Wanna see Either on screen give birth, but the less big one West
4.) Lewis
Jennifer Lawrence Doesn't "Have Time to Feel Cocky" ; Comes Off as Kinda Cocky
You know, because she's busy working as an important lady actor unlike the rest of you lazy bones...so she totally doesn't have time to feel cocky.
In an interview with Fabulous Magazine, Jennifer Lawrence goes on with the normal actress crap that is supposed to make everyone say "Oh isn't she humble, look at how she doesn't let fame go to her vagina" :
"I just feel so lucky, that I really don't have time to feel cocky...I was raised to have value for money, to have respect for money, even though you have a lot of it."
She goes on to say that her family won't let her be an asshole and how she tots hates when people know who she is or some shit that honestly didn't make any sense, so what's the point? BOOBS! That's the point.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Amanda Bynes is Still Fucking Nuts
Because she is a completely rational and lovely young fucked up drug addicted pile of hobo laundry lady, Amanda Bynes took to her only friend, Twitter the other day to vent about people saying they are worried about her mental capacity:
"I'm suing @usweekly and @perezhilton for continuing to act like I'm doing something wrong by tweeting and walking to photoshoots. F--k you!!!"
She also implored her followers (I'm assuming a dog who accidentally pawed at the wrong button on his owner's phone) to check her twitter for updates for her clothing and perfume line. Aw, she thinks making pee is perfume! Mom is gonna think that is so cute! And who is the unlucky bastard that's gonna have to tell her that it's not a photoshoot she was walking to, but just a reflection of herself with a camera? Dammit...get the sad pillow-she's gonna need a hug.
Dax Shepard & Kristen Bell Named Their Daughter Lincoln
The guy from all those B-movies you've never seen and Veronica Mars had their baby daughter today and Kristen Bell tweeted the news while still managing to be a funny gal, poking fun at Dax Shepard's drunken antics...ah birth;
"My new roomate poops her pants and doesn't pay rent...basically Dax Shepard pre-sobriety. Welcome baby Lincoln."
When I finally have a kid, I'm gonna follow in the footsteps of these two and name mine James Garfield. Look it up, kids.
In all seriousness though-congrats to these two...someone had to pass on the Dax Shepard gene of "other guy in comedy."
In all seriousness though-congrats to these two...someone had to pass on the Dax Shepard gene of "other guy in comedy."
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Sean Penn's Son is Kind of a Jerk!
Twinsies!
Sean Penn's son Hopper is more annoying than those damn Hopper commercials. He bum rushed a Black paparazzo and proceeded to say "F*** you…you're a f****** f***ot…shut up you f****** n***er." Hopper was following in his father's footsteps, into a doctor's office presumably to renew their prescription for anti-crazy pills.
So, Anne Hathaway's Husband Carries a Purse…So What!
That's Anne Hathaway's husband, Adam Shulman carrying a purse as the duo stroll through Brooklyn. When I saw this picture, I was totally going to make fun of it, but it's like, you know what, if he is confident enough with his manhood to carry a purse, wear a woman's pea coat, a scarf, and possibly women's jeans, AND be married to a woman with a little boy's hairdo, well, let's just say, we should all be so macho. This here is testosterone in full effect, drink it up ladies.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Mario Lopez from that Episode of The Golden Girls
Before he was AC Slater-he was this kid.
LeAnn Rimes Totally Knows What to Wear to a Little League Game
That's LeAnn Rimes up there walking her stepson to his little league game in an outfit that is almost as retarded looking as her face. Wanna know what nightmares are made of? It's this. This and tequila. And your uncle.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Jesse James Sets Out to Ruin Another Woman's Life
We gotta hand it to him, even after his very public cheating scandal with a lady with a swastika tattooed on her while he was married to Sandra Bullock, and broken engagements with Kat Von D amid various cheating allegations, plus his voice sounding an awful lot like Kevin, the maybe slow office worker from Just Shoot Me, Jesse James is still able to reel 'em in. This time, he married Alexis DeJoria, daughter of John Paul DeJoria, co-founder of Paul Mitchell hair care products and the Patron Spirits Company. Alexis is also a funny car driver on the drag race circuit. Hmm, she has a super rich dad, and she drives FUNNY cars, plus all the booze and shampoo you could dream of, I mean how does he get so lucky when he is such a douche?
Uh…This is Normal
Liam Hemsworth showed up at his maybe-on/maybe-off fianceé Miley Cyrus's house on Saturday with a golf club. I guess in case she gives him any hee-haw backtalk, he can really lay down the law. Well, at least it's just a putter, maybe it's his way of saying, "I'm sick of all this back and forth mate, let's go putt-putt!"
Friday, March 22, 2013
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Uhm...This Happened
If you enjoy someone Twerking who is braless and Miley Cyrus...you're gonna have an orgasm all over your computer. But remember to tell the Apple Genius that it's glue or they won't fix your shit. Dicks.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
R.I.P. Harry Reems
Actor Harry Reems, best known for his role as Linda Lovelace's doctor in the epic movie Deepthroat passed away Tuesday after a battle with pancreatic cancer, he was 65. Reems has the distinction of being the only U.S. actor ever to be convicted of obscenity. He was convicted of conspiracy (huh?) by a Federal jury in Memphis for his role in Deepthroat. Reems was born in the Bronx, and attended the University of Pittsburgh (What! What!) for one year before joining the Marines. He then went to New York to study theater and gaining roles in B movies, before getting into porn. He gave up porn in the 80's, and after battling alcoholism, he got sober and became a successful real estate agent in Park City, Utah. He is survived by his wife Jeannie and his brother. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
This is Famous-We Made This Famous
This is considered an "after" shot people! Apparently Mama June lost 100 pounds, and this is the after shot...I TOLD YOU WE WOULD ALL PAY FOR LETTING HAMBURGERS WITH DONUTS BE A THING!
The History Channel Thinks the Devil is Obama-ish
This is worse than when everyone was confusing that hooker corpse for Lindsay Lohan-Oh wait that was Lindsay Lohan? Meh, this is still worse.
The History Channel's The Bible aired an episode the other day with an actor playing the devil who looked a little too similar for comfort to Barack Obama. The producers denied any intentional dopplegangering, and I actually believe them-until of course they hire Carl Rove to play Jesus Christ-then we'll see History Channel, you wiley minx.
Oh Good-Tiger Woods Told Linsey Vonn What Everyone Already Knew Five Years Ago
Yes-look into the future-is that a failed porn star on the horizon?
When Tiger Woods posted on Facebook that he and Lindsey Vonn are now officially a couple, the gossip magazines had a collective wet dream and jumped into investigative reporting action. Via UsWeekly:
He confessed everything in his past to her and stuff - they're really into each other," the source tells Us. The number-one ranked golfer's romantic and sexual past is, of course, a lot more public than most people's: Over Thanksgiving weekend in 2009, Woods got into a car crash outside his Florida home after wife of six years Elin Nordegren learned of his affair with nightclub hostess Rachel Uchitel. Over the next few months, over a dozen other women came out of the woodwork revealing flings with Woods, including cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs, who shared an infamous voicemail from a panicked Woods exclusively with Us.
Isn't Tiger Woods "confessing everything" a bit like Hitler confessing to the Holocaust? Or me confessing to looking up Rosie O'Donnell nip slips on the internet when I'm at work? What I'm saying is: Rosie O'Donnell looks like a hot Hitler. And I'm out of cough syrup.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Cry Me a River? Oh Justin Bieber WILL!
 |
| Ha Ha, I just made Justin cry. Pass it on! Get it together Justin!
While promting her new slutty movie Spring Breakers, Selena Gomez stopped
by David Letterman, where she will be a guest on tonight's episode. She disclosed that she is not with Justin Bieber anymore, and that she made him cry. This was only after Letterman disclosed that he had also made Justin Bieber cry. Geez, can't a guy catch a break? "Now, the last time he was on, he and I got into a conversation and he said something and I said something, and then he said something and I said something, and I made him cry."
To which Gomez retorted "Well, that makes two of us!" Touche´.
I guess it's a bad week when your girlfriend and David Letterman are laughing about how
they both made you cry. And it's only Monday. Cheer up Justin, things can only get better! |
Elisabeth, You Must Go Now
Despite comments earlier last week that there were no plans for Lizzie to leave the The View, Barbara Walters ain't no Hasselbeck girl. The 83-year-old was lying, something old people are great at by the way because they can always just claim confusion, to "save face" because the head honchos at the show don't want it to look like they just canned her out of nowhere. They are allowing her the opportunity to announce her exit, according to UsWeekly. The producers want to to freshen up the show, and while getting rid of the youngest person might seem counter-intuitive, Elisabeth is the mind of a Southern segrationist trapped in the body of a Hitler Youth, it just doesn't play anymore.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Wow…That's Cool.
Kristen Stewart is so jaded and moody that even the sight of Taylor Lautner's homo-erotic levitation fails to ignite a response from her or her entourage. Ah, we'll giver her the benefit of the doubt, maybe Taylor's been saying "Look at me! Look at me!" all day, and she's just over it.
My Dirty Little Seacrest and Julianne Hough Break Up!
Sometimes grandparents fall out of love
Giving that old Hollywood standby of "busy work schedules" Ryan Seacrest and Julianne Hough have decided to take a break up, but of course remain friends. I guess it's only amicable because they decided to maintain their separate hair gel collections.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Ughh, Too Easy
Just when I think, gee, I am really harsh on Lena Dunham, I should just let her do her damn thang and not be so judgy, she opens up her pie hole and I have no choice but to comment, since most of what she says is stupid. For instance, Dunham told Playboy Magazine (Oh Please, I never wanted those two to be in the same store, let alone the same sentence) that she doesn't think she would like it very much if she had the body of a Victoria's Secret model. Yeah, and I wouldn't like it very much if I had a million dollars and a life size dollhouse for my cats. Shit don't make sense. Dunham expounds "I don't want to go through life wondering if people are talking to me because I have a big rack. Not being the babest person in the world creates a nice barrier." Okay, I guess you could call it that. But don't you see Lena, that you have turned your "gross slavenliness" (for lack of a better term, oh who are we kidding that's the best term) into your twisted world's "big rack" and that people are only talking to you because you have somehow gotten popular off of this big racket…I mean rack. Think about it New World on Crack Supermodel, you.
A Kris Jenner Sex Tape? WHY GOD WHY???
According to The National Enquirer (who by the way, are right a lot more than you think), Slagathor the First up there liked to make sex tapes with guys she was cheating on her husband with. When Robert Kardashian overheard her talking about one of her homemade videos, he apparently asked her about it, and she laughed it off. He then went to O.J. Simpson for advice.
Huh-so there's a Kris Jenner sex tape, or more likely, Laser Disc out there. Lemme tell you, the unlucky bastard who happens upon that thing and accidentally watches it is going to have to learn how to live his life with a penis that just up and ran away. "You sick fuck-what am I supposed to do with this? I'm gonna move in with my real dad!"
Huh-so there's a Kris Jenner sex tape, or more likely, Laser Disc out there. Lemme tell you, the unlucky bastard who happens upon that thing and accidentally watches it is going to have to learn how to live his life with a penis that just up and ran away. "You sick fuck-what am I supposed to do with this? I'm gonna move in with my real dad!"
Big Surprise: Nicki Minaj was High as Fuck on American Idol
After arriving late to American Idol yesterday, ya know because her drug dealer is an insensitive douche who doesn't consider anyone else's time but his own- I don't care that your daughter needed to take a college tour Jeffrey!-Nicki Minaj plunked herself down in that chair and rattled off about how much she loves buttermilk waffles but only-ONLY if they are served toasted with Aunt Jemima's Buttermilk Maple syrup. The best part was when she said to a confused hopeful "and that's what your singing is like".
I like it when celebrities are all like "yeah waffles, that's you" because then you know you're ready for Hollywood. By celebrities I mean the lamp that talks to me when I'm tripping balls and by Hollywood I mean the 7-11 to pick up Beef Jerky-what's that lamp? You want Mountain Dew? You know you're just gonna get cavities. What did you just say to me? Oh that's right, lamps don't have teeth-well color me embarrassed.
Ice Age: Jennifer Love Hewitt Wants to Freeze Her Eggs
JLH is at this point more well known for her perpetual unlucky in love-ness than for her amazing chart topping voice. The cherry on top of this lonely sundae will be her freezing her eggs. According to UsWeekly a source claims "she's worried she will end up single, since none of her relationships have been successful…if it doesn't work out with Brian (Her Client List co-star she is currently dating), she can still be a mom one day." We think she'll cash in on those eggs as soon as she breaks up with Andy Milonakis.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Gwyneth Paltrow's Kids Are Starving!
In Gwyneth Paltrow's new cookbook It's All Good: Delicious Easy Recipes That Will Make You Look Good and Feel Great, she urges families to take on her psycho no gluten, no carb plan. Paltrow admits that when her kids do not eat processed grains they are "left with that specific hunger that comes from avoiding carbs." Hello, Gwyneth we are not all starving ourselves to look good on the red carpet! I mean I am of course, but not everybody, okay? And this cookbook is just a recipe for little Timmy to get beat up at the lunch table. "Oh I can't trade my seaweed wrap for Oreos, those have too many carbs."
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Oh, Really?
This is my thinking cap
According to Taylor Swift's people, unopened fan mail discovered in a dumpster in Nashville, Tennessee, was due to a clerical error and not the singer's cold hearted bitch-assness. A local woman apparently found the mail while taking out some trash, and knew right away that she had to contact Taylor to tell her the whereabouts of her fan mail because her fans mean so much to her. We have to wonder about this lady, I mean nosing around a dumpster? Isn't that a little passe´? Clerical error, that's rich!
R.I.P. Peter Banks
In sad music news, original Yes guitarist Peter Banks has died at his home in London of heart failure at age 65.
Rest in Peace, Peter-and God Bless.
Justin Bieber's Mom Wants to Be the Next Bachelorette
Justin Bieber's 37 year old retarded babysitter mother, Pattie Mallete was so into the season finale of The Bachelor last night that she live tweeted the show like the weird pile of sad she is:
"OMG OMG OMG!!!!!! NOOOOOOO. Seriously Sean?????? This is definitely, by far the most Dramatic Season Finale EVER! #thebachelor"
But if that didn't bum you out enough-there's more...
"Ok that proposal was really amazing. She won me over in the end. And they ride off in an elephant together? I'm happy 4 U #thebachelor....Sigh...#soromantic.
There's more-but it's like, Cathy-comic sad, so I'm not going to put you through that-but anyway, she expressed an interest in being on the show with "I wish I was the next Bachelorette". What she doesn't know is that in order to be on that carnival of souls, you had to have been kicked off the OTHER carnival of souls, The Bachelor, not shit out Ellen DeGeneres, date Chris Harrison and call it a day. GEEZ Pattie-these ladies have to work for their mediocrity. Jerk.
P.S. I didn't know you could actually ride IN an elephant. Cuz every time I try to do that, it dies on me. That's on you, Vagina where Bieber came from.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Is It Just Me, Or …
do you think Hugh Jackman tries too hard to seem like a manly man? We doubt he has any idea what to do with that ball.
This Hugh Jackman on the other hand, knows exactly what to do with a couple of balls.
Camilla Alves McConaughey: Picture of Happiness
Get it together, just keep saying the mantra Matthew taught me.
JK Livin, JK Livin, JK Livin
Sean Stewart and Maloof Break Up. Color Me Shocked.
Due to the fact that their relationship was kind of gross, 51-year-old Adrienne Maloof and 32-year -old Sean Stewart have mercifully and delusionally decided to just be friends. Bravo you two.
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