Don't touch me Fergie! I don't like to be touched!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Cruise (out of) Control
And the passengers on the stranded Carnival Triumph thought they had it bad. Carrie Fisher was hospitalized for her bipolar disorder after a rambling, incoherent performance on the Holland American cruise ship Eurodam (as in eurodam fool for booking a lady who is admittedly mentally ill to perform in the middle of the ocean). Guests thought something was up with the performer when she was having a hard time remembering stories from her childhood, singing off key, slurring her words and mopping up the stage after her dog went to the the bathroom. Excuse me but this does not sound like odd behavior to me, this could be any night in my house, just subsitute kitchen floor for stage and I for her dog.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Rachel McAdams and Michael Sheen Split Up-Get Some Tissues, A Copy of the Vow, and Some Lotion
Wait-this guy was with Kate Beckinsale before Rachel McAdams? I'm going to skip my usual assumption that he has a monster dong and just go ahead and guess blackmail-he's blackmailing beautiful women and why aren't we all doing this? shame-shame on him...you sly Welsh bastard.
R.I.P. Dale Robertson
Television actor Dale Robertson died yesterday at age 89 in a California hospital. He was famous for series such as "Iron Horse", "Dallas", and "Dynasty". He is remembered fondly by his niece, Nancy, who said he "was a larger than life fellow" and "when he was in town it was always very exciting. It always meant something magical was going to happen."
God Bless.
Wow-Just-Wow...RAMPANT DOUCHERY...There, I Said It
Okay, in two seconds you are going to wanna punch these two in the face so here we go:
In the New York Times last Friday, there was a charming little piece featuring the firecrotch on the right (James Van Der Beek's beard) and her inability to raise her children. The piece talked about how she wans't happy with her nanny, and had to hire a $200 an hour "Nanny Doctor" to try to tell the woman raising her children (ya know, cuz she's so damn busy) just HOW she wants her children to be raised.
To sum up: Rich assholes can't raise their own kids and like to complain about the people who do, and there is an even bigger asshole capitalizing on this fact.
THIS is why people hate you Dawson...just kidding, but seriously, dump the skirt and get yourself some nice man meat.
Here is the story-please read through before having a massive rage-related coronary.
Emily Maynard is Super Bummed She Didn't Get Asked to Be on DWTS; Is Retarded Apparently
What a sad little kitten...
You know you've made it in Hollywood when you get asked to dance on a show exclusively for the washed up likes of Andy Dick, D.L. Hughley, and whomever else washed ashore that day. But Emily Maynard (I know, I had to look her up too) is "angry" she didn't get asked to be on Dancing with the Stars. Someone should probably let her know that banging dudes on television under the guise of a dating show won't necessarily get you the starpower you need to clumsily pretend to dance while your partner silently tries to kill you with his eyes, unless you're a gypsy spawned douche bucket or a vagina with a wig.
Your move television...
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
R.I.P. Dan Toler
Dan Toler, former guitarist for the Allman Brothers, died today at age 65 of Lou Gehrig's disease at his Florida home. He fought bravely, and is now at rest. He is a true Rock Star.
God Bless.
For Those of You Who Think Hov Ain't Street No More…
You Don't Know!
He coulda gone to the Oscars, but you know Jay-Z ain't into all that Hollywood shit, so he chose to keep it real with Bey. They stayed in New York and had a long and lovely dinner with that hood bitch Sarah Jessica Parker. That's right, you busters still want to run yo mouths?
Jason Segel and Michelle Williams Split
This is very sad. Apparently Jason and Michelle split because of her hectic touring schedule, and he feels she is spending too much time reminiscing about the good ol' days with Destiny's Child, thoughts spurred on by her recent Super Bowl Halftime performance with her old group. Oh, wait, the white Michelle Williams, oh that's who he went out with? Oh okay, well, the odds just weren't in their favor from the start. I mean the fact that he so much taller than her must be very awkward, like you know, any minute you're gonna be stopped by the police for kidnapping. Uh, and it's gotta be hard for her to deal with the fact that he used to date someone in Destiny's Child.
Anne Hathaway is not too Prad-a her Oscar Dress
Anne Hathaway may have won an Oscar Sunday night, but that doesn't mean she's oblivious to the fact
that her dress kind of blew. She was supposed to wear a gown by her grandmother Valentino, shown above on the runway. But the day of the ceremony, tragedy struck. She asked Amanda Seyfried, her Les Mis co-star to send her a pic her Alexander McQueen dress, and it was just too similar. Amanda probably sent a message like "sorries, I know it's just like yours, but I think I look better in it." To which Anne probably had a nervous breakdown, with her people forced to put her in a tacky pink straight jacket, which they were fortunately able to cut her out of in time for the ceremony. Now I see how things come together.
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Christine Sullivan from Night Court
Every judge wants to see this hottie in his chambers!
Monday, February 25, 2013
The Evolution of Oscar
Unfortunately, the shots of Grace Kelly and Audrey Hepburn were taken just after they flipped the press the bird. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Brandi's "Mammary Glan" Ville
Yeah, we're not really sure why she was at the Oscars either, but it kind of looks like she got Bigged, like she must have been a little girl who made a wish the night before that she would be big, and then all of the sudden on the way to the Oscars, her wish came true, and it was just too late to change. Hey that's more plausible than actually looking at yourself in the mirror and deciding to go out like this, even if you are a real ho-wife.
This Makes Me Confused in My Pants
I'm looking at girl nipples right? Not a mirror image of my ten year old self? Oh God NO!
2013 Oscars
Highlights . . .
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| Jennifer Lawrence faceplants on her way to accept her award |
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| Kristen Stewart appears to have had a run in with Chris Brown. Hey, he needs to keep his women in check, even if they're
not his women.
|
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| And Jane Fonda was the best dressed there . . . and that's pretty much all that went on last night. |
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The 85th Academy Awards: It's Like the Superbowl for Kissing Ass/Bathouse for John Travolta
Oh and if you thought Seth MacFarlane was going to compromise his edgy nature by completely sucking up to every person in the room-well, then you were absolutely right...his career will now be safe in Hollywood. BUT AT WHAT COST???
HOTTIE OF THE DAY! Oscar Edition
Snubbed, Chris Tucker from Silver Linings Playbook
What the Tuck? This hottie should have definitely been nominated for his crazy good performance!
Hooray for Hollyweird!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Kimye Expecting Girl Babye
 |
| -I bet I'm pregnant with puppies -That would be so cool
Hear ye, hear ye, it has been announced in an exclusive to UsWeekly that Kim Kardashian, Gypsy of the West and Kanye to the West will be expecting a baby girl. Make room World for a baby with a big ass and a big mouth! Ummm Umm Ummm, this baby gonna be sassy!
|
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Magnum P.I.
The name says it all, but we'd like to do our own private investigation anyway
Dress Fights to Free Itself From Lindsay Lohan's Body
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There's only so many times, we can say it people; if you do business with Lindsay Lohan, you will
get burned, even if you use the restroom after her, you're gonna somehow lose money, dignity, sanity,
it's just inevitable. In the latest case (that we are aware of) Lindsay borrowed a 1,750 dollar dress
by designer Theia from celebrity stylist Philip Bloch. She wore the dress to some amFAR benifit,
as in "I amFAR from reliable" on February 6. Per UsWeekly, Lindsay ripped the floor length
dress at a club, and not wanting to wear a ripped dress, oh my how tacky, she very
sensibly and coherently we are sure, turned it into a fancy shirt. In a weird twist, the dress was actually
obtained by Charlie Sheen for Lindsay. Wow, talk about insulting, when Charlie Sheen goes
out of his way to put clothes ON you, you know something's wrong. Sheen even offered to pay for half
of the dress if she wanted to buy it. Lindsay might take him up on that now, I think I know which half she'll want to pay for.
it's just inevitable. In the latest case (that we are aware of) Lindsay borrowed a 1,750 dollar dress
by designer Theia from celebrity stylist Philip Bloch. She wore the dress to some amFAR benifit,
as in "I amFAR from reliable" on February 6. Per UsWeekly, Lindsay ripped the floor length
dress at a club, and not wanting to wear a ripped dress, oh my how tacky, she very
sensibly and coherently we are sure, turned it into a fancy shirt. In a weird twist, the dress was actually
obtained by Charlie Sheen for Lindsay. Wow, talk about insulting, when Charlie Sheen goes
out of his way to put clothes ON you, you know something's wrong. Sheen even offered to pay for half
of the dress if she wanted to buy it. Lindsay might take him up on that now, I think I know which half she'll want to pay for.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Megan Fox is Going to be in Michael Bay's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Because Michael Bay likes to take my favorite things from childhood and shit on them, he has reconciled with Super Mom up there and has cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie he is currently developing whilst on the toilet-I'm sure of it.
Michael Bay: Ruiner of things that were awesome once...KEEP YOUR DIRTY PAWS OFF CAPTAIN PLANET, SO HELP ME GOD!!!!!!!!
AAAHHH!!!! Real Monsters!
Because apparently, Sarah Jessica Parker must have pissed China off, here is a Harper's Bazaar with what appears to be a Carrie Bradshaw/Thundercat hybrid on the cover. Seriously, this shit will give you nightmares, like those twins from The Shining, but more hag.
Holy CRAP!
Pregnant Gypsy Kim Kardashian tested the integrity of this dress recently...Mmmm she be lookin' all Aunt Jamima-y-I need pancakes and a rapper-STAT.
Okay, okay, an NBA player or Scott Disick will do...to the tiny suit store!
Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are Dee-Vorced
Oh, but they look so darn happy...
According to their representatives, Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are divorcing after eight years of marriage. Of course, before they announced the divorce, Josh Brolin gave an interview in which he referred to his wife as "extremely strong" and a "woman of steel". This means she caught him cheating and he didn't end up with Secretariat's head next to him in his bed-that's the only time a woman wants to be called a woman of steel-jerk.
Or not-I don't know...maybe he just always left his Adidas sweatpants and porkpie hats all over the place.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Rob Kardashian Blames Massive Weight Gain on His Ex-Girlfriend
That's right, Rob, your sisters don't get to be the only ones with big asses. Rob Kardashian is saying the reason he has become such a fatty is because of his turbulent relationship with Rita Ora--the woman he infamously accused of cheating on him with 20 dudes. Well apparently he was cheating on her with a whole bunch of Twinkies. Can't wait to see Rob's weight loss story on the cover of UsWeekly in a few months, maybe he can borrow Kourtney's bikini!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Oscar Pistorius, Are You Doping?
According to police searching Oscar Pistorius' home after he fatally shot his girlfriend, testosterone and needles were found. Pistorius' defense team insists that the runner took no banned substances and everything is herbal. At this point, we'd have to say claiming he never took banned substances is right up there with claiming he never left the toilet seat up. While Pistorius is claiming he shot Reeva Steenkamp in the pitch dark by accident, thinking it was an intruder, a neighbor claims that he heard shots, followed by a woman's screams, went on his balcony and saw that the lights were on in Pistorius' house. Nosy neighbors--making sure justice is served!
Clive Davis: Bi, Bi, Bi!
In his new memoir, Yep, I'm Gay . . . oh no, I mean, The Soundtrack of My Life, 80-year-old record mogul Clive Davis reveals he is bisexual. He says, that his relationships with men didn't come until later in life, after 2 marriages and divorces with ladies. Within the past 20 years, he has had relationships with 2 men, a doctor and an unnamed suitor. Just to be clear, Clive, the doctor isn't the one who did your colonoscopy right? Because that doesn't necessarily count as a sexual relationship. One person who is taking issue with Clive's book is Miss Kelly Clarkson. Not because of his bi admission, but because, according to Kelly, his "stories and song are mixed up." This was her reaction to Clive saying in his memoir, Kelly cried when he told her "Since U Been Gone" was going to be on her album Breakaway. Kelly says the reason she cried was because of her emotional attachment to "Because of You" which Clive hated prompting him to call her a shitty songwriter. Hmm, we're going to go with Kelly on this one, Clive is 80, which automatically makes him less reliable, plus he's admitted he was confused about his sexuality, he totally coulda been confused about Kelly Clarkson songs too, just sayin.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
R.I.P. Jerry Buss
Jerry Buss, the 80-year-old owner of the Los Angeles Lakers passed away Monday in Southern California, after a lengthy bought with cancer. Buss bought the Lakers in 1979 and transformed them into the iconic glamorous team that permeates the league today. Mr. Buss leaves his children and eight grandchildren. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.
Yeah Boyyy-eee
51-year-old former Culture Club singer Boy George has lost a lot of weight. So how did he do it, you might wonder? NO, not AIDS, at least I don't think so, geez, sick minds people. George says his new figure is thanks to a "burst of exercise all day," "porridge with cherries and a dash of cinnamon," and now for the real way, something called Freer Nutrition, which is some weight loss program headed by a nutritional therapist. Yeah, it's probably the same program Tracy Gold used in For the Love of Nancy. How come that movie's not on anymore? It was a classic!
Celebrity Rehab Death Tally is Up/R.I.P. Mindy McCready
Country singer Mindy McCready was found dead of an apparent suicide yesterday on the porch of her Arkansas home, which is the same place her boyfriend shot himself a month ago. She leaves behind two sons, one of whom is only ten months old. She was best known for her breakout hit "Guys Do It All The Time". She was 37.
Our prayers go out to her poor kids who are now without a mother, and her family.
This Celebrity Rehab trend of death is really starting to add up; someone go keep an eye on Heidi Fleiss
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Uhm-I Don't Know
So if you've been wondering what Spencer Pratt has been up to lo these many months, click above to see a balls out rap by MMA fighter Kevin Casey, with Pratt bouncing around in the background. It's very odd and disturbing. I'm not really sure how these two know each other, but I'm gonna go with they have the same gynecologist.
I don't know what a gynecologist is.
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Steve Urkel from Family Matters
Oops. Did I do that? If you're talking about getting me all hot and bothered, then yes, you did.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Brown Out With Rihanna
Rihanna gave Chris Brown the cold shoulder at L.A. club Playhouse early Friday morning, refusing to acknowledge him. This just days after they were all lovey dovey at the Grammys. Apparently the source of the tension is Brown spending Wednesday night at an event with ex-girlfriend Karrueche Tran, seen here in the pic that doesn't involve two morons dressed like Mad Max at a basketball game. Rihanna, you have to understand, Chris has two fists, there is plenty of his love for the both of you.
Uh-Oh
Is the return of Crazy Britney upon us? Dazed look? Check. Disheveled and/or no hair? Check. Lollipop? We're not sure what that is. Clearly somethin's a brewin'.
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