Breaking: Hipster Douche Population Growing, Poised to Take Over U.S.

With the presidential election coming up, I've been Google imaging a lot of maps, and what I found was more shocking than which candidate is leading in which state.  I found something else that is pretty terrifying: the hipster population is growing exponentially.  The good news is this: they travel solely by bike or public transit, so they don't move fast, but folks-watch out: these pretentious douchenozzels are more of a presence than you might think.  Here is a map that I spilled ketchup on:


Red=Hipster Invasion

             I'm pretty sure it got on the right areas...as you can see, the tight pants population is hitting the U.S. from the outside and bottom, and moving their way up into the heartlands.  There are states that won't allow it ("Get the fuck outta here Sally"-Missouri to a straight man with a handlebar mustache, looking for a farmer's market) but some states (I'm looking at you, Oregon) are more than happy to placate the suspender-wearing masses.  Here's the long and short of it, people-if you see these:

Ignore them.  Hipsters thrive on attention and telling you their reasons for why they won't buy a New York Times Bestseller, listen to Top 40 music, or go to a chain grocery store.  They also try to connect with decades past by:
-wearing a bowler hat
-wearing suspenders
-looking like an old-timey saloon keeper
-using a rotary phone
-saying they are an "old soul"

So remember, if you ignore them, their powers are taken away.  The most dangerous thing you can do is actually have a conversation with them.  It won't end.