Bruce Jenner's New Name is...

 

Kaitlyn...fucking Kaitlyn.  

So basically, Bruce Jenner, the Olympic athlete who made everyone super patriotic in 1976 with his almost super human abilities, is going to have the same name as the stripper that took your wallet that time. Enjoy America.

Bobby Flay Cheated on his Wife with January Jones

Master burger flipper Bobby Flay cheated on his wife with master homewrecker January Jones, according to divorce court documents.  To be fair though, his wife, Stephanie March who is claiming this is also the same woman who credited Flay's success to "her amazing palate" so let's take this with a grain of salt and a sprig of parsley, hmm? 

I'm a Bit Confused...

 

So okay, this chick is all over the place because she's fat and a plus sized model who is now infiltrating the mainstream modeling world because the world  is all about not hurting people's feelings no matter how much their heart is in trouble.  My question is, how come whenever I light a cigarette, people will without fail always make some retarded comment about how bad smoking is, but we are all more than willing to jump of the diabetes bandwagon, pulled by Big Bertha here?  I mean, this is a picture of someone with a disease, people...I'm just saying maybe we shouldn't celebrate something so deadly.  I'm all for the plus sized ladies, but this just looks like a health issue.

Professor Comedy Says: Khloe Kardashian Isn't Racist

 

Okay, so this is the thing that Khloe Kardashian posted on her Instagram that's got everyone's panties in a knot.  Let's break this down: first off, it's not racist, it's just her way of trying to be funny.  And you know what, it ain't half bad...I mean let's be honest, the KKK is such a ridiculous organization that I think by this stage, it's okay to poke some fun, and make light of them.  It's like Colonel Klink from Hogan's Heroes-so let's stop being so sensitive, people.  This is probably the smartest thing to come out of the Kardashians. Ever.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Zach Woods

No apologies. 

What the Fuck?

Okay so I must have been in a haze last week thanks to my cramming for my Garfield final, (I give myself an exam on Garfield the Cat every year, just to keep me on my toes), because I completely missed this shit:  Apparently Josh Duggar, the oldest child of the TLC circus 19 Kids & Counting is a fucking molester?? Well, I can't say I'm fucking surprised.  Anywho, TLC has pulled the show...and I just wanna point out that this is the second show to be pulled from TLC amid allegations of fucking molesting so get your shit together The Learning Channel!  Didn't shit about space used to be on that show?  What the good goddam fuck is going on over there?  There have been multiple reports and allegations that Josh Duggar fondled five underage girls, and while I usually hate when people accuse others and don't present proof, this pic is basically all the proof I need:

And also, he's a hateful creep so fuck him.  

Johnny Depp Faces up to 10 Years in Prison

...But don't worry, forty-something housewives, your noontime fantasy won't be serving any time.  

Seems the whole fiasco with Deppsters bringing his dogs to Australia early this month violated a bunch of laws down under, and our most precious resource will probably just end up paying a hefty fine.  But the maximum punishment is ten years, so I wasn't lying-I was just trying to get your attention.  My dad used to do it all the time when we were little, only it involved a lot more fire.  And dragons.  

Happy Memorial Day!

And please remember that a lot of people gave their lives for the freedoms we have in this country.  Appreciate it. 

R.I.P. Anne Meara

 

Anne Meara died today at the age of 85.  She was a comedy legend, best known for Stiller & Meara, the comedy duo she and husband Jerry Stiller created that launched a 60 plus year career making people laugh.  She also cracked us up in Night at the Museum and Zoolander, just two of the many cameo appearances she had, (alongside her son Ben Stiller).  She was truly a queen of comedy and will be missed.

 

Keep 'em laughing up there, Anne.   

Well Hello There, Neville Longbottom

 

Whassup Harry Potter fans...and for the lady Pot heads out there, here is a very hairy, cardigan wearing Matthew Lewis (Neville Longbottom), posing for Attitude Magazine.   Now, I didn't catch all of the movies on account of the fact that I was well into adulthood by the time the last few came out and let me tell you, nothing creeps people out more than a grown ass adult wearing a wizard hat, glasses, and a smile while sitting in the front row of a movie theater, asking when the holy hell the sex is gonna start.  

Thanks for the Laughs, Dave!

 

Tonight will be David Letterman's final show, and I just wanted to offer a hearty thank you to the man who has provided us with that fantastic dry wit over these many years.  You gave a lonely grade-school kid the inspiration to write comedy, buddy and it has served me well...I just got curtains in my mom's basement after all!

Kris and Bruce Jenner Get Mascara All Over Each Other

On last night's "About Bruce Part 2", Bruce Jenner confronted Kris to talk about his soon to be mangled penis and wouldn't you know it, she managed to turn the whole thing into a self absorbed Kris loop.  Anywho, it's ridiculous and pre-packaged so enjoy this clip courtesy of TMZ, right HERE

Kanye West Appeared Pretty Much as America Wanted Him To at The Billboard Music Awards

 

That is to say barely visible and soundless...

 

 So basically at the BMA's last night, Kanye West took to the stage only to be unseen by a David Blaine-esque smoke façade and a continuous bleeping (too many naughty words, tsk tsk Mr. West)-but the biggest awesomest thing about the whole night was the barrage of boos that were aimed at Kendall and Kylie Jenner before the performance.  Listen, it's not that I think anyone should be booed, but let's be honest, the lot of them plainly suck so hard it makes me want to cry. So boo on, BMA audience, for what is the world without booing?  Communism, that's what.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!!

Francine Smith

Hot and has a powerful CIA connect!

Holy Shit You Guys...There is a Courtney Stodden Sex Tape!

 

ANNNDDD...She's donating the profits to charity!

So, you guys know that I am obsessed with the circus that is Courtney Stodden...have been since she was just a jack-toothed young teen marrying a middle-aged pseudo-celeb for what I am assuming she thought was his vast fortune.  ANYWHO...she totally made a sex tape, clips of which can be found at TMZ...HERE is the link to that awesomeness.  She says that her profits will be going to PETA, and "families contending with cancer."  So, I guess good for her, she's doing her part to help and getting railed in the process...she will make a great grandma someday. 

R.I.P. B.B. King

 

King of the blues and music icon B.B. King passed away today at the age of 89.  He influenced countless musicians during his sixty plus years of performing, and was truly a one of a kind, class act.  You will be missed, Mr. King but your soul and legacy will live on forever.

A Truly Shitty Fucking Day

 

Say it ain't D'oh!!

So basically, life sucks now because Harry Shearer is leaving the Simpsons, taking with him the voice of Mr. Burns,  Ned Flanders, Principal Skinner, and countless other beloved Simpsons characters.  He is leaving the show (and $14 million paycheck) to pursue other projects.  The full article about this heartbreak can be found here 

I gotta say...this is truly the beginning of the end...The Simpsons has been signed on for two more limping to the barn seasons, but without Shearer I truly don't think this will work.  Sorry to get all serious on you guys but it seems like this is going to be a rough couple of seasons in Springfield.  Now, off to drown my sorrows in a vat of pudding and most likely get kicked out of Costco...

Please Do Enjoy Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea's New Music Video

Gotta say, nothing says summer like these candy coated ladies.  Love it, love it, fucking love it.  Enjoy your new anthem, I know I will as I hum it in the corner of the Gap dressing rooms just waiting for my princess to toss aside her pastel capri pants and jump into my arms.  I gave away too much didn't I?  I always do that, I think it's because I love too much...ladies?

HOTTIE OF THE DAY

Hoyle from Quick Draw

 

The hottest sheriff in any time.

Emilia Clark is Fucking Weird

In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, this chick who I just had to Google said this crazy shit:

“I was at a Golden Globes after party and Channing f--king Tatum came up to me, and his stunning missus, Jenna Dewan,” Clarke recalled. “And they said, ‘We call each other ‘moon of my life’ and ‘my sun and stars’ and all that. And I was like, ‘I cannot contain this. Please, can we all have something sexual together? You’re both beautiful, even just a hug.’”

Oh sure when she says it, it gets put in a magazine, but when I say it to the checkout lady at Home Depot, I get served with a goddam restraining order.  This country...

No Headline Just Throw Up Noises

You guys, I'm so sorry to have to show this to you, and I promise I will pay for the dry cleaning...

Okay, I know it may come off that I hate Lena Dunham, and to be fair I truly, truly do, and it's not just because she straight up nasty, but the fact is, she is the worst.  I mean, okay, we get it-you're fat and you think you're funny and you think you are doing something for women, but in all fairness, all the women I know hate her too because she isn't doing jack shit for women.  Being gross and self-indulgent isn't a cause, it's just encouraging other people to be gross and self-indulgent and we already have Zack Galifianakis for that.  

Kenya Moore's Boyfriend was Married: In Related News...No Fucking Shit

Okay so for those of you who don't know because you're busy with your "jobs" and "families", Kenya Moore is a former beauty queen, current Real Housewife of Atlanta, and winner of  the "worst person ever" award that  I give out bi-weekly, usually to my cat.  Sorry Miss Precious Perfect, this was not your week.  Anywho, she just found out that her Millionaire Matchmaker approved boyfriend is married, because this is the Bravo TV universe and that shit just slips through the cracks.  I put up Kenya's "music video", Gone With the Wind Fabulous for you guys, because I'm mad at you and we're in a fight.  Seriously, watch it and try not to have a stroke...betcha can't.

American Idol Has Been Cancelled...Somewhere Brian Dunkleman is Laughing and Still Employed

 

That's right, bored housewives and cats that were left alone in the rom while the television was on...the contest show that launched tens of careers is coming to a close after its 15th season.  I don't know about you, but I'm definitely going to miss watching Jennifer Lopez pretend she gives a shit what Flatiron McBleacheshisbangs and Country Von Butnottoomuchforprimetime thinks while some poor kid from Oklahoma gives his best Broadway rendition of All That Jazz.  I don't watch the show. 

Selma Blair is Going to Be Playing Kris Jenner in That Miniseries

 

All right! I hope you all had a very happy Mother's Day...I made my mom a macaroni picture frame with a picture in it of myself and let's just say she was not so much "happy" as concerned and frightened at my lack of prospects, a job a wife and a house  glitter...glitter on the frame.  ANYWHO...speaking of mothers, Selma Blair has been cast as Kris Jenner in the FX miniseries about the OJ trial, American Crime Story: The People V. OJ Simpson.  So we got David Schwimmer, Cuba Gooding Jr. and Selma Blair...don't tell me the nineties aren't coming back...oh and don't tell my mom I borrowed her car to get weed...if she asks I was interviewing at Dominos Pizza all day.

Sugar, Sugar

 

Adam Levine was sugar bombed (which is apparently a thing) while signing autographs outside of Jimmy Kimmel last night.  I love his incensed yet hurt look...it compliments the New Mexican rug that he's wearing so, so well.

Remember Brandon Davis? Well He's Fucked

 

About a decade ago, oil heir Brandon Davis gave us all the glorious gift of firecrotch when he famously repeated the insult about Lindsay Lohan while hopping into a limo with Paris Hilton (it all sounds like a wonderful dream)...anywho, apparently now he owes a shitload of money to Vegas casinos (about $300k). I don't really know what else to say about this except that looking at this picture it has become clear to me that his whole face looks like a giant anus.     

Here's Adele

 

Dressed as George Michael...

 If you want a confusing boner, well then look at a blender in a bikini cuz this sure as hell isn't gonna do it.

Here's Some Nostalgia for You...

 

So basically last night, I was high as holy fuck and was all "I wish I could still play those super awesome Carmen Sandiego games that put me in such good stead as a stoner child."  Anywho, I figured I couldn't be the only one who missed these games, so enjoy the images of a youth gone by.  

 

 

The Met Gala: A Study in the Unnecessary

Egads...Rihanna looks like Big Bird's abortion and here I am all dressed up with no invitation to such a fancy affair.  *Sigh-picks up Teddy Ruxpin from desk* Someday, my sweet, someday.

Apparently Kylie Jenner Has Completely Lost Her Shit

All right, so besides Instagramming while driving (see pic below), this spoiled hellspawn has reportedly applied to have her name trademarked, for "entertainment in the nature of providing information by means of a global computer network in the fields of entertainment, fashion and pop culture."  That's right.  Smart money is on the fact that she has absolutely no clue what any of those words mean, so I can only assume this is the work of Kris Jenner in an attempt to totally fuck up the world because her ex-husband all like clapped his hands and said "I'm out" to his penis after it was exposed to her cooter dungeon.  I hear there's still a hiker in there who has been trapped since 1982.