I'M GOIN' ON BREAK!

 

Listen up, my beautiful babies, I will be going on break to smoke a ton of weed and dream about all of you chasing me through a meadow because they're my fucking dreams.  But seriously my babies, I will be taking a small break from this dick-joke machine, but rest assured, my ass will be back sooner than you can say "court-appointed-rehab".  

Adriana Lima is Dating Julian Edelman

 

In the grand tradition of VS smoke-shows dating NFL players, Adriana Lima and Julian Edelman are now banging.  In related news, I am a master Jenga player, my mom and grandma some people might even say I'm the NFL-iest of all Jenga players...ladies?

Omarosa is Engaged

 

Grade-A cunt and Satan's bff, Omarosa, is engaged to some poor fool named John Allen Newman.  In an ironic, Poe-esque twist, her new guy is a pastor at Calvary Church in Florida.  I just...I don't know...run, dude.  Just. Run.  

R.I.P. Garry Marshall

 

This is truly sad news...

Iconic director and creator of such pop culture jewels such as Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley has died at age 81.  This guy was a fucking dynamo...he basically WAS pop culture and honestly, I'm gonna miss the hell out of him...rest easy Garry, you've earned it.

Damn, Joseph Kahn

Snap and snap.  Director Joseph Kahn ain't playin when it comes to defending buck-toothed giant, Taylor Swift against Kanye West and whatever bullshit they have going on this week...(it's like get a room already, amirite?)  Any snooch, Kahn is apparently mad that Kanye called Swift a bitch in his latest song, you know, because that SO matters, and went on the defensive on Twitter, saying: 

"Ain't the first time the Kardashians supported the murder of an innocent blonde woman."

Gotta say...super obvious joke, bro, I would have expected more from a pudgy faux-celebrity.  

Drew Barrymore Divorced What's-His-Nuts

 

In "who truly gives a shit" news, Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman have decided to stop having boring, vegan, white people sex and release their terribleness on the world separately.  Big ups to the next people that need to deal with either of them.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!!

Annie's Boobs

 

This furry little thief will never Chang

Charlie Sheen Wants to do the World's Most Depressing Reality Show

 

Is seems Charlie Sheen wants to do a reality show about his life, and living with HIV.  He is reportedly shopping around the idea to producers, who I am assuming are just brooms in wigs that he placed around a table in his hotel room.  I mean, seriously-yikes. 

 

Oh Good, All My Dreams are Coming True

 

Starting and ending with Kate Beckinsale dressed as a giant penis.  I just hate that when she does it, everyone is like "yay for women dressing like penises" and shit but when I dress up as one, everyone is all "what are you doing?" "get out of here" and "sir, this is a funeral."

Pssh...double standards, amirite?

Beyonce and Jay-Z Staying Strictly Street By Going to Wimbledon

 

Here we see Beyonce and Jay-Z doing their part for the black community by attending Wimbledon.   Now, for those of you commoners who don't know, Wimbledon tickets can cost upwards of $20,000...for tennis.  Honestly, Beyonce and Jay-Z are turning more and more into the old rich white couple from Gilligan's Island every day.  You just know they have a lawn jockey and a waiter who they force to wear white gloves. 

BBB to Kylie Jenner's Lip Kits: Your Shit's Weak

Surprise, surprise, an 18 year old can't run a cosmetics company. 

It seems that Kylie Jenner's Lip Kit scam is seriously taking a hit, at least according to the Better Business Bureau, who gave the company a F in customer satisfaction.  According to reports, customers have complained about everything from security breaches to just plain not hearing back from the company after calling. 

Now, I'm sure Kylie Jenner has about as much to do with the officey things of her company as I do, but damn.  This bitch had the opportunity to turn it all around for the Karajenner gypsy clan and she failed.  If I was the youngest member of a family known mostly for sex tapes, bad marriages, and whatever Caitlyn Jenner is now, than I would be like, you know what?  I'm gonna take that job at Walgreens and be the best damn Jenner I can be.  But no...lip kits.

BREAKING FOR THE WEEKEND...SEE YOU GUYS TUESDAY!

 

I'm breaking a little early for the July 4th weekend because suck it, that's why.  Haha you guys I'm tots playing around with you, like how a cat plays with yarn.  I'm horny is what I'm saying.

Johnny Depp is Doing Just Fine, Thank you very Much

Johnny Depp is back and mohawkier than ever.  The escaper of Frigid Cunt Mountain made a stop at The Comedy Store in L.A. to just be Johnny, I guess.  Kudos to you, Deppy.  Let that freak flag fly out of Tim Burton's hair. 

Kanye West's New Video Horrifies and Creeps

That's right, Kanye West's video, Famous, has come out on Tidal and is hard as hell to find, but if you really want to know what you're missing, here's the nuts and balls of it.  Basically, it was shot like a snuff film and features several famous scroti, tits, and the terrible mess that constitutes Caitlyn Jenner's body and are mostly digitally placed.  I think-this world is scary and new to me.  Are you the nurse?

Dana White Denies $4.2 billion Sale of UFC, Which For Sure Means it's True

 

Bond villain and Michael Chiklis impersonator Dana White is still denying rumors that the UFC is for sale, which is what ESPN reported a month ago.  So gear up, UFC fans cuz this shit is gonna be turning Japanese in no time. 

Selma Blair Had an Outburst on a Plane

Well this is weird...

A seemingly in her right mind Selma Blair was having a grand old time in Mexico with her ex-husband and four year old son, but when she hit the air on her Delta flight, she apparently also hit the limits of sanity and lost all her damn shit.  Via MSN:

An official close to the situation told PEOPLE that Blair "was met by paramedics at LAX as soon as her plane arrived," who removed her from the aircraft on a stretcher after witnesses reported to TMZ that she started to cry during the flight, as she spoke about fears regarding an unnamed male after allegedly mixing wine and medication.

"He burns my private parts. He won't let me eat or drink," she reportedly stated. "He beats me. He's going to kill me."

The source also confirmed that it seemed "she had taken a combination of prescription medication with alcohol," but that it was unclear "what sort of prescription medications."

Fantastic.  It's good that she has a child because this is clearly a woman who can handle taking care of another life.  Like, seriously, is anyone looking into that?  I mean, if Cracky-Sue down the block pulls this shit, the gov'mint gone done take her baby but with Selma Blair it's like-aww...here's hoping she feels better...sheesh, says I...sheesh and sheesh again.

Anton Yelchin, 27, Dies in Car Crash

Very sad news here.

Anton Yelchin, best known for playing Chekov in the Star Trek movies has died at the age of 27.  Authorities say that that Yelchin stepped out of his car at his home when the car slid backwards and pinned him against a brick pillar and a security fence.  Yelchin's tragic death is one of many this year of people that we did not want to say goodbye to. 

R.I.P. Ron Lester

Ron Lester, who stared most famously as Billy Bob in Varsity Blues has died of liver and kidney failure at the age of 45.  This dude was larger than life and seemed like just a genuinely awesome human being.  Rest easy, Ron.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Greendale Human Being

 

You can't get much more politically correct or HOT!

Mila Kunis Pregnant with Second Child

 

It seems that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis will be welcoming another child to the world, which is a bit of good news following a week of "fuck, the world is a dark fucking place and we are all doomed."  Anywhoseville, while these two are all "mature" and "having kids" I have been keeping myself quite busy with this paper clip chain that I started back in February.  This baby is a champion and totally not "a waste of company time and resources."  Psshh...people be jealous of the guy with the chain. 

Lil Wayne Hospitalized with Multiple Seizures

According to reports, Lil Wayne had to be hospitalized in Omaha following multiple seizures aboard his private jet.  He had ingested an ungodly amount of "lean" (see: syrup/sizz-urp/Promethazine-Codeine mix) before the seizures.  He is stable and in good spirits. 

Well, this certainly puts my addiction into perspective.  *puts bejeweled pimp cup in curio cabinet* Goodbye old friend.  We had some good times-remember at grandma's 90th birthday?  How we thought the cake was full of jackrabbits and tried to dive in to cuddle them?  Ahh...'worse day ever' my ass, cousin Jill-you jealous cunt.

#PrayForOrlando

And the world.  Please pray for an end to the violence.  Let's not politicize the horrific events, but let us not forget how easy it was for a psychopathic, pathetic, imbecile who was on an FBI watch to legally obtain the firearms that claimed the lives of 49 innocent people.  I want to apologize to them, and their families on behalf of the backwards laws that this country still vehemently tries to defend.

Please Love

The shooting death of 22 year old Christina Grimmie and the absolutely horrible events at Pulse nightclub this morning show that this is a terrible, dark time.  The only way we can possibly overcome this type of darkness is to pray and love one another.  Please, just love.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mr. Belding's Brother

I would go on a crazy field trip with this cool Belding.

Oh This is Fucking Delicious

Bi-sexual celebrity succubus Amber Heard may be trying her damndest to paint Johnny Depp in an Ike Turner light but it turns out that this whole fiasco is turning into a pot calling the kettle abusive situation.  According to court docs, Heard was herself arrested for domestic violence in 2009 against her girlfriend at the time, Tasya Van Ree.  Heard was booked for misdemeanor domestic violence.

Now, I'm not saying Johnny Depp is blameless here.  I mean, he did hook up with this mess, but hopefully this puts the whole thing into perspective...like the perspective that marrying a twenty-something who looks like she has major daddy issues maybe isn't the best way to usher in your fat Brando years. 

What the Fuck is Going on with Richard Simmons??

Okay, so the reclusive fitness guru has been exhibiting some weird behavior this past year.  From calling into shows assuring us that he is okay to maybe being held hostage by his housekeeper to being hospitalized for odd behavior, this bitch is cray.  The latest buzz on his hospital stay?  Dehydration of course.  Click HERE for more of the crazy.  And here's hoping everything works out well for Richard. 

Kimbo Slice has Died

Famed backyard brawler turned MMA fighter, Kimbo Slice, has died at the age of 42 from unknown causes at a Florida hospital.  Many recall Kimbo's meteoric rise from street fighting sensation to UFC fighter, finally coming to rest with the Bellator organization. 

Rest easy, gentle giant.

 

Amy Schumer Goes Pantsless for Gun Control...Makes Me Want to Shoot Myself

 

Okay first of all, I am COMPLETELY in favor of gun control but come on Amy Schumer.  Nobody needs to see your sucked in muffin top to get the point that you don't like guns. I mean, seriously, you're actually making gun control look bad...or at least pudgy.

R.I.P. Muhammed Ali

Boxing legend and ultimate champion Muhammed Ali has died at the age of 74.  Ali proved that an incredible athlete could also be quick-witted, hilarious, and otherworldy levels of clever.  Rest in peace, Champ.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tommy Fucking Wiseau

 

A hottie very close to my heart.  This dangerous, unhinged, amazing, hilarious nutfuck is just...everything. Do yourself a favor and get stoned as fuck and watch his 2003 masterpiece, The Room.

These Two Idiots Are No Longer Banging Each Other

 

So Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris (who I swear to God I thought was a cartoon character) are no longer having skinny white people sex (read: tapping nipples while looking at Pintrest).  Honesty, no judgement here but has anyone ever thought about the sheer amount of caked on STD's Swifty is probably rocking in her lady hole?   I mean, def not enough to send me packing, but still girl, you did bang a Kennedy...so ya know...call me. 

 

So It Looks like Amber Heard May have been Lying all Along

Okay honestly I don't know what else to expect from an unstable, sometimes bisexual quasi-star but it looks a little suspicious that Amber Heard did this, according to TMZ: 

 Amber Heard is not going through with her promise to belatedly file a police report ... because she says she still loves Johnny Depp and "doesn't want to bury him" ... so say sources connected with Amber.
As we reported, Amber's lawyer, Samantha Spector, vowed Tuesday Amber would file a police report because she was being trashed in the media, thanks to Johnny and his team.
We're told Amber has now had a change of heart, saying she believes a police report would trigger an arrest and prosecution, and she doesn't want to set the wheels in motion for People vs. Depp.
Sources connected with Johnny scoff at Amber's sympathy, saying she timed the allegations to hurt his new movie, "Alice Through the Looking Glass," which tanked.
Heard claims she still loves the man she now says repeatedly brutalized her.  

Huh...okay, so her evil plan of destroying a seemingly terrible movie has succeeded, evil genius that she is...but seriously, can she be more of a Disney villain right now?  Vacuous blonde with vacant eyes destroys a man-child's life of playing dress-up for millions of dollars.  It writes itself, and shall be called Boob Avengers VI: The Curse of the Shining Nipple.  You are welcome Hollywood.  Or Dollywood.  Whoever gets back to me first.
 

The Amber Heard/Johnny Depp Crazy Train Keeps Derailing

While Amber Heard continues to make domestic violence claims against Johnny Depp, close friend of Depp, comedian Doug Stanhope, has jumped to his buddy's defense, and wrote an article basically saying Heard is full of shit and blackmailing Depp.  I can believe that, but you know what I can't believe?  That Johnny Depp and Doug Stannhope are friends...isn't that fucking weird? 

Good Morning. Here's Jessica Simpson's Veiny Patriotic Tits

Because what better way to say "thank you" than by showing America your weird stomach and Indiana Jones map tits? 

Happy Memorial Day!

Thank you.

So Basically, Hollywood is Chock Full of Pedophiles

 

According to our favorite Corey, that is...

Okay so basically, there was an interview with Elijah Wood recently where he pretty much pointed out the huge problem of child star rape in Hollywood.  While Wood has clarified that he himself was never molested, Corey Feldman has popped up to say that he and Corey Haim were both molested on movie sets and at parties.  While he didn't name names (except for a nod to Michael Jackson) Feldman did say that Haim was more involved with direct abuse than he was.  

Elijah Wood said that he was able to avoid diddlers thanks to the fact his mom didn't let him go to creepy Hollywood parties as a child.  Good looks, Mrs. Wood...good looks. Now, kids like me never had to worry about this kinda thing...back in my day, I was what was known as "not molester pretty".

Amber Heard is One Cold Bitch

Amber Heard has made the ice queen hall of fame by filing from divorce from Johnny Depp only three days after his mom died.  Now, I don't want to judge anybody's weird, faux-eurotrash marriage, but day-um, Amber...you just set a very high standard for what it takes to make you stay in a marriage.  Did your basic ass think it was just gonna be chain-smoking and trips to the wig store?  Because that's how I think a Depp lifestyle goes down.  Don't take that away from me.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Nina Van Horn

The actual first supermodel.

Bill Cosby Ordered to Stand Trial

Bill Cosby will be standing trial for a 2004 incident involving Andrea Constand.  Bleak, man.  Here's hoping everything goes okay for the Cos...I, of course am operating under the assumption that this lady is full of shit.  I know, I know, unpopular opinion, kinda like my "save your own feces" platform when I ran for class president.  In 26th grade.  I was 30.

Of Course Tyga and Kylie Jenner Have a Sex Tape...The Prophecy has Been Fullfilled

 

Welp it's come full circle in the Kardashiverse with news of a Kylie/Tyga sex tape.  Leaked screenshots have pretty much confirmed that these two are taking Kim's route to fame, and why not?  I mean, it's a family tradition.  According to Jackie Collins, who passed away last year and was good frenemies with Kris Jenner and Robert Kardashian, those two made several sex tapes during their marriage.  I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the dumpster fire full of human garbage. 

R.I.P. Morley Safer

 

Legendary newsman Morley Safer has died at the age of 84.  Safer started his CBS career in 1964, and made broadcasting history with his hard-sitting piece on the torching of Cam Ne in 1965.  He was with 60 Minutes for 46 years, and personally, I always found him to be a source of comfort on Sunday nights.  Rest easy, Morley.  You will be missed. 

Blake Lively Made a Harmless Joke and is Now Considered Racist...Sounds about Right

 

See that harmless caption up there?  Well, it has caused the unemployed to lose their minds because somehow, it has been deemed racist.  How, exactly?  Because people are stupid, and when people are stupid, they will latch on to anything they can to try to deflect from their rampant retardation.  Here's the thing, for all the social justice warrior pussies out there: it's an homage.  Blake Lively, I can 1000% guarantee, is NOT racist.  But you know what is racist?  Getting all up in arms because God forbid she compare herself to a black person (which she didn't even do)...like seriously, get a job whiners.  Look at me, I have a job taste testing yogurt for a man who claims his van produces yogurt.  So what if he makes me suck it out of a tube blindfolded oh my God I'm getting mouth raped. 

Caitlyn Jenner May Not be Kendall Jenner's Mother/Father

 

Modeling the latest look from the Bea Arthur Collection

 Okay, well this is from the dregs of the internet so it may or may not be true, but according to "sources" there are rumblings in the Kardashiverse that Caitlyn Jenner's cheese blintz may not be responsible for the existence of Kendall Jenner.  It is very possible that Todd Waterman, a soccer player (pictured below) could be the real baby daddy.  Damn, Kris Jenner has had more athlete's dicks in her than a bin full of jock straps. 

 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tori 

 

We never wanted a replacement for Kelly, but we would never tell this chick.

Courtney Stodden is Pregnant! My Life is Complete

This is just...so fantastic.

Okay, so in a statement on Monday, the...I don't know, future porn star...what am I saying?-porn actress... announced that she and her geriatric husband, Doug Hutchison are expecting what I can only assume will be a future ward of the state.  Okay, now here is where shit gets awesome...it seems that Courtney's mother is in love with her daughter's fucking husband!  Yes! The mother of the year who married off her 16 year old to a 55 year old is herself in love with said 55 year old!  I fucking love it...oh, and the cherry on top is of course the fact that Mama Stodden does not believe her daughter is pregnant.  Click HERE for more information on my favorite family of all time,. 

Apparently Sinead O'Connor was Missing

 

Via UsMagazine:

 Sinead O’Connor has been found unharmed after going missing for more than 24 hours, according to The Wilmette Beacon. “Sinead O’Connor has been located. She is safe and is no longer listed as a missing/endangered person,” Wilmette police told the newspaper.

Original story below
Police in Wilmette, Illinois, received a request to check on the well-being of Sinead O’Connor after she failed to return from a bike ride more than a day later, according to a statement obtained by Us Weekly.

Hmm...I hate to poke fun at the mentally ill...wait a minute, no I don't, in fact, nothing bones me up more!  How much you guys wanna bet this crazy cue-ball called in her own missing person's report?  Donald Trump/John Miller style?  She was probably all like "oy, it's me Sinead...I mean, hello fellow American, I would like to report a missing person.  My name? Why, Jane...Jane, uh *looks around room* Jane Picturesofcatsandoldtunacans...yeah, that's the ticket."

 Brought to you by Club MED Hell...Hell: come for the brimstone, stay for the strip steak.  And demon rape.

Kendra Wilkinson is Pissed at Holly Madison; Incoherent Tweets Reveal All

 

Apparently, Kendra does not approve of an interview Holly gave with who I can only assume was a fellow bus passenger.  In the interview, Holly said that she lived in fear at the mansion-well Kendra ain't having none of that shit...here are her tweets to prove it: 

Now Holly is on cover of People mag sayin she lived in fear at the mansion. She wasn't in fear with that dick in her ass for a paycheck

— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) May 12, 2016

That bitch is in fear now knowing so many of us saw her doing some nasty shit. She's embarrassed and in shame. She was the clean up girl

— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) May 12, 2016

Hollys job was to get Hef hard again and clean him up with her mouth

— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) May 12, 2016

Oh MY! *fans self before fainting onto velvet couch* Kendra, Kendra, Kendra...I mean, sure Holly is definitely a nasty ho-for sure, the nastiest.  But I can't help but feel that someone who knowingly stayed by her tranny-banging husband's side after said tranny-banging probably shouldn't be throwing dildos at glass houses.  But that's just the opinion of a fine society type like myself.

Eminem is Dropping a Shirt

Eminem teamed up with @unfortunateportrait for this masterpiece, but there's a pretty big marketing catch.  So if you want this thing, you probably won't be able to get it because they're only available through pre-order and only for 3 days starting yesterday. 

Enjoy.

I for one Welcome our New Alien Overlords

Okay so here's what's up:

Blac Chyna, you know, the stripper who became famous because she let an obese diabetic drug addict knock her up, has begun the Kardashian trademark process.  Basically, she has trademarked what her married name will be (Angela Renee Kardashian) to secure future business deals.  Who inspired the marketing ploy?  Why, none other than her future slagathor-in-law, Kim Kardashian West, who did the same thing.  So get used to that weird face and body, America-it's here to stay. 

Now, when I trademarked my name, Mistake Dream-Killer McGee©-I got nothing, so don't get your hopes up Blac Chyna Angela Renee Kardashian Jenner Simpson West Target McDonalds©.