HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Silent Bob

In honor of Kevin Smith's 85 pound weight loss...which made the news for some reason.

Donald Trump's Piss Colored Hair Made A Nasty Comment About Mexicans; Got Himself Fired

 

NBC has cut ties with Donald Trump after he said this:

 "The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems," when Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're not sending you… They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people."

So goodbye Celebrity Apprentice...I'll miss the nonsense.  As for Trump, well...he's officially won the Archie Bunker Award for saying something terrible while looking hilarious.  

Yay for the Gays!

 

It's feels nice in a world of hateful bullshit to finally have some good news to post, so here it is...gay couples can now get married in all 50 states! 

So I was Just Thinkin'...

 

Okay, since this is an entertainment site I try to stay out of the heavy stuff as much as humanely possible but I just felt the need to point something out about the whole confederate flag debate.  So yes, the confederate flag is an outdated, stupid symbol of rebellion and hatred, sure.  It SHOULD be removed, and in fact probably should have been removed a very long time ago.  But how come I'm not hearing a damn thing about GUN CONTROL?? Let's face it, taking a flag down isn't going to stop assholes from being racist pricks, but what would help?  Not letting said assholes buy fucking guns.  Just something to think about.

Pump the Breaks, Rose McGowan

 

Okay, so basically Rose McGowan has lost her damn mind and is now waging a twitter war against what she believes is sexism in Hollywood.  In reality, she just went ape shit because I don't know?  Her period? And called out a casting notice, implying it was for an Adam Sandler movie, that said something along the lines of "push up bra encouraged".  Because how dare Hollywood have a character that may have big tits...those shouldn't exist.  OH WAIT that is exactly how this chick got her fucking start.  I think since she started wearing turtlenecks, she's started to believe she's Ruth Bader Ginsberg.  Anyway, she got fired by her agent so I'm sure you will see her in Celebrity Marriage Bootcamp or whatever it is sad actresses do at the end of the road very soon.

For some perspective on how much of a hypocrite she is...

 

This Shit is HAPPENING!

 

What you are looking at is the cast photo of Lifetime's The Unauthorized Full House Story.  I saw the promo while enjoying A Deadly Adoption and let me tell you guys, they left no stone unturned for this one.  Did you know Uncle Jesse's name was originally Uncle Adam?  That's the type of hard-hitting shit you will be getting when this premiere's in August. 

Screech is Going to Jail for Four Months

 

So Dustin Diamond is going away for four months on a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct charge.  Personally, I think it's a tad extreme...I mean let's face it you guys, he was just covering for Zach.  That douchebag has been using Screech for ages now...

Uhhhmmm

 

So adultery is okay as long as what you're banging has a penis and tits?  Is that the rule?  Because then Thailand, here I come!

Hey-You Guys Remember Scott Storch? Me Neither, But He's Broke Now

 

So once upon a time, in a land called the early 2000's, there existed an elf who wore suits of stripes and sunglasses that were bigger than the whole globe.  His name was Scott Storch and he produced songs of the land...everything from "Cry me a River to "Fighter" was handled by his mighty elf hand. 

Any snooch, he blew his several million dollars on drugs, and what I can only assume are specially made ties that are cut to fit a miniature cigar store Indian. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The movie, Cyberbully

  

I am not joking when I say that this is the most unintentionally hilarious movie I have ever seen.  It's on Netflix-get baked, watch and thank me later.

Diddy Arrested after Fight with UCLA Football Coach

 

Oh boy, this is what happens when you tell Diddy to "hang on"...via TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, Diddy allegedly attacked the coach with a kettlebell weight. He was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon ... a felony.

Our UCLA sources tell us Diddy confronted Strength and Conditioning Coach Sal Alosi while Alosi was on the phone. We're told Diddy was told to "hang on" but he wasn't having it and picked up a kettlebell and swung it, narrowly missing Alosi. One source said if Diddy had connected it could have killed Alosi.
We're also told the entire altercation is on video.
And get this ... we're told Diddy is referred to by the UCLA staff as a "helicopter dad," for hovering over practices.
By the way ... Alosi is infamous in his own right.  He was a NY Jets coach who was suspended by the NFL in 2010 after tripping a Miami Dolphins player who was covering a punt. 
Head Coach Jim Mora called this an "unfortunate incident for all parties involved" -- and said they would let the legal process run its course.

Wow...so basically if you need a minute before you can talk to Diddy, you're risking a life-threatening injury.  Do you think he carries a kettlebell around with him at all times and if like, he's at a dentist appointment and they say "the dentist will be with you in a minute" he's all like "aw hell no, bitch" and just swings the kettlebell at the hygienist?   Ooohh I bet his worst enemy is the bank line.  Let me tell you, it's all worth it if he has a super clever catch phrase:

*slides on Ray-Bans* "It's time to put the kettle to the metal"...WAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Turns Out Caitlyn Jenner is a Huge Publicity Whore

All right, all aboard the "no-shit express"...

Okay, so according to multiple sources, ever since Bruce Jenner got implants shoved into his pec muscles, or however that works, he's been acting like a huge douche (liberals, don't get all pc on me...he still has a penis, so biologically, is still a dude, but for the rest of the post I'll use "she" because I want us to still be friends).

Anywho...not only has she alienated her son, Brody Jenner with her newly found constant need for attention but also some of the Kardashian Klan.  One source is quoted as saying “It is really making people wonder about her intentions because she does not even acknowledge her past life anymore,”

Brody will not be attending the ESPY's where his father/mother will be receiving the Arthur Ashe Courage Award.

Okay, so I've kinda suspected all along that Bruce/Caitlyn is full of shit.  I totally support equal rights for all people, but something always seemed very disingenuous about the way Caitlyn Jenner is approaching this.  The reality show, the $500,000,000 she stands to earn?  Before we blindly call someone a "hero" maybe we should look at the fact that in reality, this is not a very good person, but more than likely, a profiteer who stands to make a fortune off of an issue that people fight in private every day, and don't get paid millions for.  The only way I will truly believe that she isn't absolutely full of shit?  If she donated the oodles of money she earned for being filmed getting her makeup done to a charity focusing on the struggles of people with the same issue.   

Kim Kardashian is Having a Boy

Kim Kardashian revealed via Instagram that the baby that's inside her has a penis.  Fantastic.

I was debating on what kind of joke to put in here but I'm not one to shit all over someone's good news...well, I am, but honestly, being a mother is probably the hardest job in the world and it's kinda pleasantly surprising to see Kim Kardashian doing a job that doesn't start with blow.  

Aaaannnnd I'm back.

Miley Cyrus is Probably Dating Stella Maxwell

 

So this is one of the shots from one of these gals's Instagram page that has sent the Entertainment world a flutter with the promise of an attractive girl-on-girl romance.  Even though I am pretty sure this is just a publicity stunt, as the only contact I have ever had with lesbianism is either through porn or Indian wrestling with Uncle Jenny, I say shine on you crazy diamonds!

Kim Kardashian Pissed off the NPR Crowd

 

Okay, this is going to be a rare occurrence where I jump to a Kardashian's defense, so listen up because I didn't go to law school for nine years for nothing...(I'm lying, it was a waffle house-I lived in the dumpster and survived off of sweet, sweet syrup).

 

Anyway, the producers of "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" (one of the "oh isn't that droll" shows on NPR) booked Kim for God knows why and got a very heavy backlash from the crowd of Birkenstock Wearing, Kale eating, fart-sniffers that keep that program on lock in their Prius' because they want to prove that they can be funny too, as long as what they are listening to involves overly close microphone talking and inoffensive jokes about Republicans.  Basically, these listeners took to their complaining boards to say things like "the four horsemen have mounted", "I've been contaminated through the speakers" and "my first impulse after listening to the show was to question the meaning of life".

 

Okay, so I don't really listen to NPR except for Garrison Keillor (Prairie Home til I DIE BITCHES!) but for God's sake, people get your head outta your ass.  Sure, maybe the producers should know their audience and probably should have booked a horticulturist instead, but aren't these people the same people who cry freedom for all kinds?  I mean yeah, Kim Kardashian isn't a great person, but she was gracious enough to do the show, pregnant no less.  She's no less of a person because she sucks, and it's really not her fault because let's be honest, she probably has no idea what NPR is...my guess is she thought it stood for Nipple Pussy Rejuvenation and that's a tune we can all dance to.  

Prayers for Charleston

So this is supposed to be a total dick joke site and a place where we can poke fun but I have to take a minute and just say that we stand by the folks of Charleston, South Carolina in this dark hour.  The one place we all used to feel safe was at church, and it is disgusting that some little racist dickhead piece of shit completely obliterated that feeling.  The past few years have seen an upswing in this type of violence, and that is truly ridiculous.  I honestly cannot even fathom the gun laws in this country, and I sadly do not think they are going to change, even though nine innocent people were murdered in cold blood the other day for no other reason than ignorance and evil.  All we can do now is pray.

Happy Birthday, Garfield!

So today is my hero, Garfield's birthday and I don't know about you, but I plan on celebrating by getting stoned as fuck and eating two lasagnas with just my hands.  Happy 37th, buddy.

R.I.P. Rick Ducommun

Rick Ducommun, seen here in The 'Burbs alongside Tom Hanks, has died at the age of 62.  Though he wasn't a household name, many will surely remember his comic genius in such films as Little Monsters, Spaceballs, and Groundhog Day.  Rest in peace, brother.  You will be missed.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Brain

 

Smarter than most mice, sexier than most humans.

Charlize Theron and Sean Penn Broke Up

 

In what was probably the most quietly intense conversation about feelings of all time, these two have split.  Let's all be honest...I don't care, you don't care and they don't care. *Grabs tissue, sobs* If they can't make it in this crazy world who the hell can?

Donald Trump's Piss Colored Hair is Going to be Our Next President

Because we live in a world where throwing on some size 13 pumps and a dress makes you a hero, and basically donning black face and a braided wig makes you black, of course this cartoon character thinks he can be president.  In related news, I just ate a pan of lasagna and hate Mondays, so guess what?  I'm Garfield-and that means my birthday is this week so pony up, bitches.  

Anywho...Trump announced his plans to be "the greatest jobs president God ever created"  saying that he is officially running for president and will make this country great again.  I honestly gotta say, I enjoy this-he's utterly ridiculous but it's not stopping him from running for president.  We could all take a page outta Trump's book of unbelievable self-satisfaction and delusion.  Off I go to run for president of wherever the fuck the Smurfs lived, because this is America and if you can dream it, you better believe anyone who makes fun of you is now considered a bigot and worse than Hitler. 

Here Ya Go...

So I don't really watch the "news" or "read" papers and sure most of my information is just a hodge podge of drunken opinions and Garfield quotes...but I DO KNOW FUNNY and this video is an amazing parody of that Washington black face lady.  

Make sure you're not drinking anything when you watch this because you will shit your pants.

VIDEO: Brandon Rogers.  Subscribe to his YouTube Channel, folks. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mike from Saved by the Bell: College Years

  

You know you wished he was your creepy RA.

RIP Sir Christopher Lee

 

Sir Christopher Lee, known as the master of horror, has died at the age of 93 after being hospitalised for respiratory problems and heart failure.

Christopher Lee: an actor of muscular intelligence with a staggering career

From his electrifying roles as Count Dracula, to his venerable turns in Lord of the Rings and Star Wars, Christopher Lee possessed a rare grace and charm

Read more

The veteran actor, immortalised in films from Dracula to The Wicker Man, and via James Bond villainy to the Lord of the Rings trilogy, died at 8.30am on Sunday morning at Chelsea and Westminster Hospital in London.
His wife, the former Danish model Birgit Kroencke, decided to hold back the information for four days until all family members and friends were informed. The couple had been married for more than 50 years and had one daughter, Christina.

Via The Guardian:

With the news that the actor Christopher Lee has died, share your tributes and your favourite cinematic moments The actor was knighted in 2009 for services to drama and charity, and was awarded the Bafta fellowship in 2011.

News of his death prompted an outpouring of grief from actors, musicians, and even the prime minister; all paid tribute to Lee’s great talent.
Tim Burton, the director who worked with Lee on five films, described him as “a true legend”.
“Christopher has been an enormous inspiration to me my entire life. I had the honour and pleasure to work with him on five films (Sleepy Hollow, Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Alice In Wonderland and Dark Shadows),” he said.
“He was the last of his kind - a true legend - who I’m fortunate to have called a friend. He will continue to inspire me and I’m sure countless others for generations to come.”
Leading the tributes online were his Lord of the Rings co-stars Dominic Monaghan and Elijah Wood, as well as Sir Roger Moore, who played 007 opposite Lee in The Man With The Golden Gun.

A truly great talent who will be missed.  Rest in Peace, Mr. Lee.  

Holly Madison had a Bad Experience dating a 900 year Old? No Fucking Way

 

Holly Madison has a brand new book to sell, and I can only assume it contains the finest jewels and pearl necklaces of her wisdom (see what I did there?  Because I don't know if it works and well, your opinion means the world to me).  Anywho, here are a few excerpts via Us Weekly:

The exclusive excerpts, which are featured in the cover story for the new issue of Us Weekly, include Madison’s recollection of the first time she met Hef in August 2001. 
“‘Would you like a Quaalude?’ Hef asked, leaning toward me with a bunch of large horse pills in his hands, held together by a crumpled tissue,” Madison wrote in her memoir.
After she declined the drugs, “Hef did not miss a beat: ‘Okay, that’s good,’ he said, nonchalantly. ‘Usually, I don’t approve of drugs, but you know, in the ‘70s they used to call these pills thigh openers.’
“I want to scream ‘PAUSE!’ and freeze-frame that moment of my life. I want to grab that young girl, shake her back into reality and scream, ‘What the hell are you thinking?’” Madison continued. 
She ended up spending that night at the Mansion and moved in several weeks later. Though she wrote that there were constantly changing alliances between the girls in the house, Madison later discovered that there was one person controlling them all. 
 “I learned Hef was the manipulator and that he pitted us against one another,” she noted. “I realized I wasn’t treated well. I’m done being afraid of people. I don’t have any loyalty to Hef. I haven’t talked to him in four years, so there’s no reason to reach out now. Besides, it’s the truth.”

Okay, so I don't care how naive you are trying to appear as like this little Alaskan girl who well shucks, just doesn't know any better, but let's get real...you are at the fucking Playboy Mansion...nobody goes there expecting a Scrabble Competition.  Also-of course Hef is pitting you dumb bitches against each other.  I mean, come on-he's a relic from the days of swing clubs, dressing up for airplanes, and a broad knowing how to make a great Manhattan.  After America got its balls cut off, this was all he had. 

This PC Shit is Getting Ri-Goddam-Diculous

 

Okay this is seriously fucking stupid now...

Our girl Iggy Aalea had to cancel a Pittsburgh Pride appearance because...Oh no hold on to your monocles...she said "homo" on Twitter five fucking years ago.  Via some fucking news site:

 Azalea announced the news via a statement on Twitter, writing in part: “Unfortunately in the past as a young person, I used words I should not have…I meant no harm and deeply regret ever uttering those words.”

In one of the tamer tweets, which she wrote in 2010, Azalea said: "When guys whisper in each other's ears I always think it's kind of homo."

Seriously?  Fucking seriously, world?  So nobody can say anything anymore ever about anything that might hurt a specific person's feelings...huh-ya know, I always thought when I traveled back in time to Nazi occupied Poland, I would feel like I at least left my chair.  

Shout out to Jerry Seinfeld, who sees through the bullshit, and stated that all this PC shit is killing comedy...and honestly just making talking not fun anymore.

Happy Tuesday, Miley Cyrus's Tits

All this and more will be in the Summer 2015 issue of Paper Magazine (you know, the publication that featured a giant ass with a Kim attached?)...anywho, enjoy, paint enthusiasts.  

How am I just Hearing About Tom Hanks's Rapping Son NOW?

 

I begged my mom for a secretary-someone to keep me in the know on these trainwrecks but NoooOOoOo-the cat needed ear medicine instead, and I'm an "adult" living in their "basement" and watching porn all day doesn't "merit a secretary you loser, please leave before I hurt you."

 

ANYWAY...apparently Colin isn't the only fruit dangling from the Hanks family tree and God has blessed us with Chet Haze, Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks's 24 year old rapping son who just loves using the n-word, no matter what mommy and daddy say.  Honestly, what did they expect from a son they named Chester?  But yes, this person exists and I urge all of you to check out his Twitter page.     

Uhmm...Can you People Just Stop Touching Little Girls? Cool? Cool.

 

All right, so long story short...Sarah Palin found a passage in that dude on the  left's book (it's Lena Dunham but let's get real, she has a penis)...that basically says she used to sexually experiment with her little sister when she was seven.  Okay wait, there's more...Sarah Palin then used that to basically say "well then liberals why is this bitch touching her sister acceptable but Josh Duggar isn't? Drrr..." (I paraphrase).  ANYWHO...here's what I am trying to say:  WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE-BOTH OF YOU-UGLY GUY AND JOSH DUGGAR, GO TO YOUR FUCKING ROOMS AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE YOU SICK FUCKS!

The Duggar Crazy Train Keeps Goin'

 

All right, so I may not be big time lawyer, therapist, or have any formal education of any kind except for what I learned on Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, but I DO know what fucked up is, and this shit is fucked up...via UsWeekly:

 

Speaking out. Fox News has revealed that both Jill and Jessa Duggar will appear on their parents' interview with Megyn Kelly on Fox News Channel’s The Kelly File, speaking as molestation victims of their older brother Josh Duggar. 

During part of the interview obtained by Us Weekly, the now-pregnant Jessa reflected on her brother’s actions when he was a teen, calling them “very wrong.” 
But that didn’t stop Jessa, 22, from defending Josh against those who have spoken out against him. 

"I do want to speak up in his defense against people who are calling him a child molester or a pedophile or a rapist, some people are saying,” Jessa told Kelly. “I’m like, ‘That is so overboard and a lie really.’ I mean people get mad at me for saying that, but I can say this because I was one of the victims.” 
Since news of Josh’s scandal broke last month, prompting him to release a public apology, the family’s TLC show, 19 Kids and Counting, has been pulled from the air.

Okay, so Jessa Duggar (above), is saying that yes, her brother did SOMETHING wrong and that yes, she is a victim at his hands...but heaven forbid we call this pervert a child molester.  That would be just overboard.  It should also be noted that this family is incredibly homophobic and judgmental so this is just delicious. 

Family Guy: Prophets of the Trannies

Okay, as I pointed out a few months ago, Family Guy totally unintentionally called the Bruce Jenner circus in 2009, and here is the clip in question for your viewing pleasure.  You know what, it's a great episode so if you don't already have Hulu or Netflix, get them and sit down with 2009's "We Love you Conrad" from season 7 of Family Guy.  Or don't and see if I give a shit.

I do give a shit.  Can we still be friends?  I'll buy you toffees.

Oh Good Grief, Chris Brown

 

All right, so everyone's favorite lady beater Chris Brown apparently blew pot smoke in the face of a flight attendant and was heard saying:

‘I paid $60,000 for this jet, so I own it and everyone inside,’

But wait, there's more pearls, according to UsWeekly: 

According to the insider, the 26-year-old lit up again before the plane landed and gave some jaw to another flight attendant. “He told her, ‘What is your old ass doing here anyway? I like to have the help be people I’d actually like to f---,’” 

So basically, Chris Brown has taken on the identity of a Southern dandy who calls flight attendants "the help" while blowing smoke in their face.  The herb in question is grown from the plantation he sits in front of, rocking his chair and asking the help for more mint juleps.  My favorite part is when he swats his cane on the ground and yells at his butler "Suh! I say, suh!  More juleps for me and my constituents!  We will win this election, yet."

 

Some More Caitlyn Photos for your Spank Bank

 

 

Okay, so I'm all for equality and women getting the vote and whatever the hell this circus is, but I'm just gonna say what we are all thinking: Bruce Jenner makes one very ugly woman. One ugly woman with a working penis...so what are you doin after this, bro?

Tasteless Entertainment: a place for equality...ladies?

Prepare to Throw your Boners into the Fire, For they will no Longer be Needed

Here it is, world...the first look at Bruce Jenner as Caitlyn.  

Caitlyn is a strong, mannish woman who fell into a K-hole when a slagathor's husband died and she took the mythical beast as her own.  Caitlyn hasn't seen the light of day since that dreaded wedding day, when the tribes of the two families melded into one super circus.  Now, with the evil slagathor vanquished and the three headed gypsy monster distracted by pretentious rappers and ex-convicts, Caitlyn may emerge, penis tucked, victorious onto the cover of Vanity Fair.