Sit on it you say? Why, don't mind if I do...
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Friday, June 28, 2013
Alec Baldwin Likes to Pick Fights With People Who Can Tell Time
For those of you who have been under a rock for the past 24 hours, Alec Baldwin did a little ranty-rant on his Twitter machine when it was discovered the vapid plastic Goodwill mannequin he married (I refuse to spell her stupid fucking name) was actually Tweeting during James Gandolfini's funeral. It was proven she was tweeting, just so you know, and what was so important it couldn't wait until after family and friends and the MINISTER were done talking?? About wedding anniversary present ideas, smoothie recipes, and some Rachel Ray bullshit. So of course George Stark pointed this ridiculous shit out, and of course Alec Baldwin got his puffy self into a homophobic frenzy: Via Hollywood Take:
“George Stark, you lying little b*tch, I am gonna f*ck you up,” tweeted Baldwin. “My wife and I attend a funeral to pay our respects to an old friend and some toxic Brit writes this f*cking trash. My wife DID NOT use her phone, in any capacity, at our friends funeral. Now, f*ck this twitter + good luck to all of you who know the truth.”
Tweeting under his Alec Baldwin Foundation account, his tirade also included a series of homophobic remarks. “I’m gonna find you, George Stark, you toxic little queen, and I’m gonna f*ck you up,” he wrote. “[I’d] put my foot up your f*cking ass, George Stark, but I’m sure you’d dig it too much.”
Of course, Baldwin has since "apologized" but let's be for real...every time Alec Baldwin goes on one of these rants, he puts on his Thor costume, claps his hands and makes major proclamations from his stairway. "GEORGE STARK IS A TOXIC QUEEENNNNNN" *CLAPS HANDS* LET IT BE SO." That is, until he inflates his wife for the day.
This Isn't Creepy At All
C'mon Gramps, you promised I could meet Channing Tatum
66-year-old actor James "Don't tell your parents just meet me in the" Woods is dating a 20-year old who was recently arrested for marijuana and controlled substance possession. Hey, when he goes all out, he really does it right. Woods brought his lady Kristen Baugness to the premiere of his new movie White House Down starring Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx. Woods recently split from his 26-year-old girlfriend, whom he had been dating for 7 years. Is anybody else hearing Matthew McConaughey from Dazed and Confused?
Patriots in a Tight Spot with Tight Ends
For all you sports fans…With one of their main guys dropped after his arrest and charge with first degree murder, and their other main guy kind of retarded, not to mention his sidelining injuries, the New England Patriots are going to be scrambling for tight ends this season. They can always use their new acquisition, Pretty Boy Floyd up there, but I think they'd be better off just runnin' the option with the quarterback sneak. I think they will get a lot of homeruns and free throws that way.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Kat & Mau5...Know What? Fuck It-This Circus Act Broke Up
These two broke up because apparently someone doesn't like to be cheated on. Drama Queen. Though, once you've dated Jesse James, isn't it like telling the whole world that you're cool with that? She might as well have a "Welcome Home, Herpes" banner outside her snatch.
So This Guy Isn't Gay?
Matthew Morrison is engaged to this model, or as I like to call her...MEGA BEARD. Never fear, The Midwest...Mega Beard is here, so it's ok to watch Glee. Feeling a tickle in your trousers? That's just your straightness acting up.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
George Lucas Gets Married; Sorry Nerds
That's right baby-tell me more about retaining merchandise rights. Time to make a baby!
In what I consider nerd blasphemy...I mean he's touching a girl...ewww-Star Wars creator George Lucas married an incredibly hot woman on Skywalker Ranch. Did I mention he's rich? Cuz I think that's the most important thing to remember here. He's incredibly rich.
I Wonder What Paula Deen Would Say...
On the heels of Kim Kardashian pooping out his spawn, Kanye West had a humble little interview with W Magazine where he totally doesn't sound like a self-important douche with a Jesus complex. Via UsWeekly:
Yeezus revealed to W magazine that he wrote the humble little ditty after an "unnamed designer" invited him to his show -- on the condition that West not attend any other shows that season.
Cause it's like, Yo! Nobody can tell me where I can and can't go," West lamented in the interview with W. "Man, I'm the number-one living and breathing rock star. I am Axl Rose; I am Jim Morrison; I am Jimi Hendrix. You can't say that you love music and then say that Kanye West can't come to your show."
JIMI HENDRIX: Genius musician, arguably best guitar player ever. Died at 27.
JIM MORRISON: Artistic genius, songwriter and poet. Died at 27.
AXL ROSE: Bloated ginger freak whose career died about 20 years ago. Yeah, I totally see the similarities.
Soooo...yeah, 2/3 of his comparisons are neither living nor breathing, and one's soul died a long time ago. We will give you Axl Rose. And Jimmy Buffet. That's you. You are this generations Jimmy Buffet.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Just Joyce
Sorry I've been gone for so long, I had to do a bid upstate. But don't worry, everything's fine, I'm just not allowed to hang out with my friends anymore for 2 years, or goddamn Big Brother will put me away again. Anyways, enough about me. I was gonna hang up my journalist career, and get my degree to be an exterminator, but I feel like I gotta say something in defense of poor old Paula Deen. Now, I don't even like Paula Deen, I have no tolerance for people who give themselves diabetes, but I feel like the backlash she is facing now because she said n***** is completely ridiculous. First off, she never should have admitted it, and second off, she's a 66-year-old white woman from the South. Does a bear shit in my house every October for some reason? Of course she's said n*****! Don't mean she's a racist for cryin' out loud, and she shouldn't be dropped by all these companies where she makes her living, unless of course she said it while wearing a white hood next to a burning cross, now that's another story. Now, I don't have all the facts on the case here, because I don't care to, but from what I gather this is all stemming from a lawsuit brought against her brother Bubba and his restaurant, it's not like she said n***** on the air or in her cookbooks, or at a job interview like I did once by accident, just slipped out. You know what Paula shoud do, she should sue for elder discrimination, even better Southern White Woman elder discrimination. Hell, didn't that Dog the Bunny Hunter get in trouble for all that a few years back, and his ugly mug is still showin' up all over town. Stay strong Paula, we all say things we don't always mean, or remember, or just kind of slip out at bad times. You're not running for public office, or an award winning actress, you make whoopie pies, so who cares, let's just move on and forget about it.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
This is A Great Idea!
Perhaps it's a nod to his Chicago roots, or maybe they are just that kind of clever that can be confused with brain dead, but it has been reported that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn daughter North West. If this is true, I just don't know how they expect their daughter to ever be taken seriously in Hollywood.
If Armie Hammer Weren't Married He'd Be a Rapist
Who's up for a good time?
In Playboy's July issue, the star of the upcoming The Lone Ranger says he was a much more "dominant" lover before his marriage to Elizabeth Chambers. He tells the mag, "Well, if you're married to a feminist as I am, then it's…I don't know how much we can put here without my parents being embarrassed, but I used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But you can't really pull your wife's hair. It gets to a point where you say 'I respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.'" I can tell you one thing, I'd break his little armies with a fuckin' hammer if he layed one finger on my weave, little pervert. And by the way, all the sexual offenders out there thank you for their new defense. They aren't rapists, they're just "dominant lovers."
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
The Galloping Gourmet
This hottie got me through so many lonely nights in college
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
R.I.P. James Gandolfini
It deeply saddens me to type this, but James Gandolfini, the actor who played iconic Tony Soprano on The Sopranos, has died of an apparent heart attack while traveling in Rome. He was 51 years old. While best known for his role as the complicated mob boss, Gandolfini had wide range as an actor appearing in many films, including Not Fade Away, Zero Dark Thirty, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, and True Romance to name a few. Gandolfini is survived by his wife Deborah Lin, their young daughter and his son from his first marriage. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends.
Charlie Sheen Has Trouble With Co-star; Shocker!
Bitch, don't kill my vibe!
The show may be called Anger Management, but as far as Charlie Sheen is concerned it was The Blair Bitch Project, ooh, that was a good one. Sheen has allegedly had his co-star Selma Blair fired from the show because she complained to producers about his late arrivals to set and his work ethic. Sorry Selma, but didn't you pay any attention to what happened with his last show? Complaining about Charlie Sheen's work ethic and late arrivals is like being hall monitor in San Quentin. As long as he shows up at all and doesn't reak of tiger's blood, he's golden.
Hmmm…
We're not exactly sure what Madonna is going for with this outfit, but we are fairly certain this is what Marlene Dietrich would look like NOW.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Disagree With Brad and Angie? You Must Be Cuckoo Bananas!
Not everyone thinks Angelina Jolie should go into sainthood for having a double mastectomy for preventative reasons. Melissa Etheridge, who is an actual breast cancer survivor and friend of Brad Pitt's, gave an interview to LGBT magazine The Washington Blade, questioning Jolie's "brave" decision. Etheridge has the same gene mutation as Jolie, but says the double mastectomy is "not something I could believe in for myself." Etheridge goes on, "I wouldn't call it the brave choice. I actually think it's the most fearful choice you can make when confronting anything with cancer…Plenty of people have the gene mutation and everything and it never comes to cancer. I would say to anybody faced with that, that choice is way down the line on the spectrum of what you can do and to really consider the advancements we've made in things like nutrition and stress levels." Of course Melissa would shudder at the removal of a woman's boobs, and we get that it's not necesarilly a "brave" choice, switching from Pepsi to Diet Pepsi, now that's a brave choice. But you know what, when it comes to someone's personal health and family history, that's their business--Go away from their window!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Jonah Hill is a Wolf and Shall Be Treated as Such
Up there is lesbian Jonah Hill, in his new role in The Wolf on Wall Street. If you've been keeping up with his interviews and press conferences, you will have noticed that he has become a colossal douche lo these many months, claiming he is now a "serious actor." (If you haven't seen it yet, please read his Rolling Stone interview-I don't even know how he was able to form words with his head so tightly lodged up his own ass).
Well, you know what they say-the further you climb, the harder people will realize you are an entitled fart-sniffer who would suck his own dick if humanly possible. I think Galileo said that.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Kim Kardashian Gave Birth
Kim Kardashian popped out a co-star yesterday, a baby girl. Via USA TODAY:
For those wondering, apparently the baby has dark hair and looks like her mom. This, too, comes out via E!
In all seriousnesslikebusiness, congratulations to the new parents. And don't let Kris Jenner get too close-she'll eat it.
Kris Jenner is a possum.
Kanye West Should Be Expecting That Lightening Bolt Any Day Now
There is a fine line between run of the mill douche and all-out-should-be-expecting-a-shit-ton-of-locusts-sacrilege-filled-narcissism. Guess which one Kanye West is. Apparently, he is considering naming his new album I Am God. He might be half-kidding, but still-calling yourself Yeezus ain't gonna fly at the pearly gates...
ST. PETER: So, Mr. West, says here you thought you were God on Earth?
KANYE: Well, I did lower myself to hanging around a band of gypsy whores...
ST. PETER: I want to punch you so hard right now.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Amanda Bynes Apologizes to Drake; Cannot Marry a German
Because she s under the impression Drake even knows who the fuck she is, Amanda Bynes apologized to Drake via her only talking device, Twitter, for calling him "ugly" the other day:
"I'm sorry about the tweets I said about @drake I didn't mean what I said. I hope to become friends with him instead of smashing him!"
I'm sure he just heaved a giant, mega-Degrassi sigh of relief...but not bigger than the Germans, whom Amanda Bynes CANNOT MARRY: Via Twitter:
“I could never marry a German because I’m Jewish.”
Oh look-I just got a telegraph from Germany...
"Oh, Gott sei Dank ...Dat bitch cray...and German who would marry her would be de biggest embarrassment to de German people. Ever.
CONCLUSION:
Watch old episodes of Degrassi and you can thank me later.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
In Wildly Inappropriate News...
Rob Kardashian has enlisted his two half-sisters, Kendall and Kylie (second from left and far right) to model for his weirdo sock line, pants-less of course, because what else do you do on a Thursday with your two UNDERAGE sisters?
No, really.
Here is Some More Amanda Bynes Crazy...
Apparently, Amanda Bynes was getting bored just jumping on trampolines and confusing the geography of the United States, so she started repeatedly calling Miley Cyrus ugly on Twitter for no reason, and attached photos of Cyrus with no makeup to illustrate her thesis more clearly for the professors at Batshit University. Go Wildcats!
Via E!News:
And Cyrus wasn't Bynes' only online target earlier today: After lobbing a slew of "ugly" comments at both Drake and her father this week, the 27-year-old once again took a shot at Drake.
"Is that an ugly face or what?" she tweeted, attaching a photo of Drake.
Bynes also remained indignant about her posts, later adding: "This is my twitter. I say whatever I want. Thanks!"
But in a quick change of pace, the star perked up when it came to plugging a few projects she seemed to have in the works.
"I'm so looking forward to recording my album and going on tour! I can't wait to see you all at my concerts!" she wrote."
Miley Cyrus responded in the way most celebs are to Amanda Bynes, basically with a "I don't want to add fuel to the fire" type line. You know, the way the teachers in school told you to respond to the overly strong kid who liked to play with squirrels. Any snooch-I can't wait til Leatherface up there goes on tour, because that is what the doctors at Shutter Island told her will happen. Yes, yes...a concert-she will think she is performing at a concert...fire up the lobotomy drill.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Kanye Kheated with Kanadian
According Tbe New York Post and Star Magazine (The only respectable publications left out there, if you ask me!) Kanye West cheated on Kim Kardashian with a 24-year-old Canadian Model named Leyla Ghobadi. Ghobadi wasn't going to go quietly into the good night, spilling details of her hookup with Queazy Yeezy. Her relationship started with the rapper in July 2012, while he was dating Kim, at his concert in Atlantic City. West spotted Ghobadi in the crowd dancing to his song "Mercy" and just had to have her. Kim was also in attendance, cheering from a V.I.P. section. Apparently West had some of his boys get Ghobabdi and her friends to come backstage after. He then invited her to a bar for some cocktails, and then he invited her to his hotel room, which Ghobadi says she declined. No word on Kim's whereabouts during this. West gave Ghobadi and her friends for the next night's show and was able to convince her this time to go back to his room, where they got it on. She says she was concerned about his relationship with Kim, and Kanye told her he was only with Kardashian to build his fan base. Yeah, Kanye really needs that 14-65 year-old female fan base bad. Bublé can't get them all to himself. Apparently, West even tried to get Ghobadi to sleep with him this past weekend, but refused because she knew Kim was pregnant. Klassy.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
U-Chi-Tel This Just Wouldn't Last
Haha, I'm such a slut
Rachel Uchitel's husband Matt Hahn filed for divorce Monday citing "cruel and inhumane treatment" according to TMZ. Rachel, of course, is Tiger Woods' Mistress Number One. The two were married a year and a half ago, after the whole Tiger Woods fiasco, and have a one year old daughter. Apparently they have had many explosive fights in the past year, resulting in Rachel repeatedly slapping her former Penn State Football player husband. As if Penn State hasn't gotten enough bad publicity lately, now these two losers have their names attached to it.
Monday, June 10, 2013
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Kitty from That '70s Show
She makes us nostalgic for hot casseroles and hot bodies
Try and Cleavage Your Way Out of This One!
Erin Brokovich-Ellis, the legal advocate/ environmental activist made famous by Julia Roberts' Oscar winning portrayal, and her huge jugs, was arrested on Friday for drunk driving…a boat. Erin was observed by a game warden on Lake Mead having trouble docking her boat at the Las Vegas Boat Harbor. He asked if he could help her with a motorboat. Kidding, that didn't happen, I don't think, but it should have. He did ask her to take a field sobriety test, which I'm not sure is the same for boats as it is for cars. Do they make you swim in a straight line? Anywho, she failed and they booked her in the Clark County Detention Center. Man, I haven't been there in a while. Good times, good times. She was released after posting $1,000 bail. Brokovich-Ellis stated, "After a day in the sun and with nothing to eat it appears that a couple of drinks had a greater impact than I realized." Come on, I thought you're supposed to pretend to be a lawyer. Nothing to eat? Sun? You can do better than that.
Friday, June 7, 2013
R.I.P. Esther Williams
Esther Williams, perhaps the only woman ever to get her hair done and then was not afraid to get it wet, has passed away in her sleep in Los Angeles. She was 91 years old. Williams was the star of so many Technicolor water musicals throughout the 1940s and 50s. Williams started out as a competetive swimmer, but her goal to swim in the 1940 Helsinki Olympics was thwarted when the event was canceled because of the second world war. After that, Williams decided to go to Hollywood. She starred in such movies as Easy to Wed, Neptune's Daughter, and Dangerous When Wet. The movies included extravagant numbers with Williams the center of water ballet in its earliest and most spectacular form. Our thoughts and prayers are with her children, family and friends.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
I Guess People Really Don't Like The Today Show
Apparently it drives some people to try suicide. A Queens man in his fifties was taken to the hospital this morning after cutting himself outside of Today's Rockefeller Center Studios. According to witnesses the man, standing on the plaza with other spectators, was screaming "The IRS is watching me!" and trying to pass out flyers. Nobody took his flyers so he threw them up in the air and proceded to cut himself with, what witnesses said, looked to be a boxcutter. He was stopped by security and taken to St. Luke's Hospital. It was a very scary scene for people nearby, but The Today Show mentioned the incident just after it happened, at the top of the 8:00 hour, saying the man only intended to hurt himself and not others. Geez, somebody needs to let this guy know, if you don't like today, there's always tomorrow, or Good Morning America.
This is Lil' Kim Now
Here is Lil' Kim performing at Hot 97's Summer Jam, and my oh my what the fuck happened? I mean, it's not like this is unexpected, but holy shit. She looks like that doll your sister had when you were little, and then you got "curious" and then had to hide the doll in the backyard cuz her plastic eyes were silently always judging you. Then the dog dug it up and peed on it. Then you got curious again.
Sorry sis...I mean-errr BOOBIES!
Covered that one flawlessly.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Buffy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
How funky is your chicken? Not as funky as this hottie!
Now, We Are Not Judging…
But Kate Winslet is pregnant with her huband Ned Rocknroll's child, which will be her third child with as many baby-daddies. Now she was married to all these men, and she does have a British accent, so she's not exactly trashy, but…
Jennifer Love Attention
Jennifer Love Hewitt knows where her bread is buttered, and since posing for paparazzi shots playing tennis in a bikini never landed her on the cover of glossies like UsWeekly (just hot pics), she decided to up the ante. She just announced that she is pregnant, and engaged to her Client List co-star Brian Hallisay. Now, we are not suggesting that she got pregnant and engaged just for media attention, but it wasn't necessarily a bad move on her part. Babies are all the rage these days, as well as shotgun weddings. So, well played Hewitt, well played. Oh no! Who's watching Amanda Bynes?!!!
I Don't Like the Looks of This
Russian officials are turning to none other than Stevan Seagal-kov to promote their weapons industry. Wow, this seems like a great combo, doesn't make me worried in the least. NOT! as the Russian kids are saying these days. Apparently Russian officials are big Seagal fans, as seen here above when he met with President Vladimir Putin in March. I can't tell if Europe is behind us with their trends (see Germany hearts David Hasselhoff) or are they just way ahead? My brain hurts from all this thinking.
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