Just Joyce

Joyce at the Grocery Store

So Gee Whiz, I went to the grocery store today, and was bombarded by all these pronouncements on these freakin products: Gluten Free! No Trans Fat! No Hydrogenated Oil! And Jiminy Christmas, this is on a freakin bag of potato chips. And what does kettle cooked mean? Can anyone tell me that please? You mean to tell me these huge corporations, these Lays, and Cape Cod Potato Chips have kettles actually cooking in their huge factories, I DON'T THINK SO!

So everywhere I look in the grocery store, it's like Gluten Free! And I'm thinking, who the hell cares? I don't know what it is, in or out of me. And all these people are like, oh no I have gluten allergies, and my kids have gluten allergies. What? How do you even know that? When were you and gluten even in the same room, just you two that you could come up with that conclusion. So you happy? You got everything gluten free, but now America's got all these obese humans, so if you ask me, we don't have a problem with gluten, we got a problem with gluttons! As far as trans fat goes, I don't know what that is, but I think potato chips should probably have it. I work hard for this bod, and I like to give myself a little treat at the end of the day or in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, or whatever, and a bag of potato chips usually does the trick, so does ice cream, or cookies or a chocolate bar. But now thanks to these bratty little kids and whiny assholes all my treats seem to be gluten and transfat and hydro....androgynous......hydrogen oil free. So it's like I can't help but feel like something is missing. I never worried about that crap 25 years ago, and it was delicious, but now that I am being told it's missing, I can't help but feel cheated! And so I also think I know why everyone is so freakin fat, because, you got all these "healthy" labels on junk food, and I don't care how much gluten and oil is taken out of it, it's still crap, but people think they can just eat it regularly, like hourly, because oh it's so healthy, look ma, no gluten. And you know, not everyone is as lucky as me, I have a speedy metabolism thanks to mile high coke binges in the eighties. I can eat three Denny's Grand Slam Breakfasts and not gain a pound. It's true, I tried it before. So I give gluten free and all that other crap half a cat paw for good intentions but 5 judgemental eye rolls for freakin up my day!