HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Catt Sadler from E! News

Meoww! Catt Woman is usually 10 times hotter than any of those lucky celebrity bastards that have the privilege of being interviewed by her.

Kelly Osbourne is Mad that People think she's a Jackass

"Them's me queen nails they is-tut tut an' all that-sweep yer chimney gov'na?"

So Kelly Osbourne, who for some reason gives fashion critiques now (yay nepotism) has come under fire for spending $250,000 on that manicure above.  All I'm saying is that for $250,000, there better be a fucking Bentley on my hand.  Driven by a trained monkey.  I will name him Mr. Precious and we will have wild adventures in far away lands. *sigh* Anyway, she's pissed off even more people because she tweeted "forgive for not regretting it, it made me feel like a queen!" 
       The thing that I find troubling is that she pretty much asked for forgiveness for NOT asking for forgiveness.  She waved around her black diamond painted paw at the Emmy's like an idiot, pissed off the middle class, and now is like "sorry guys-NOT!"  I mean, seriously-less people were pissed when Ozzy bit off that bat's head.  As if that weren't enough, she then responded to the angry response with "No I did not pay for it. I was just lucky enough to be the one that got picked to wear it." 
        See guys she's totally not so bad-she like, got it for free cuz she's, like, totally rich and famous and like, not swimming in debt like a loser.  Duh.  The thing is, there is no way somebody can wear that nail polish (Azature, is the brand, by the way and it really does cost $250,000, ya know, if you're going to the store and wanna pick up something for girls night) and not look like a total asshole.  It's a ridiculous product, (made with black diamonds for that extra sparkle!) that nobody can afford, and if you can afford it, everyone will think you're a dick.  If you get it for free, everyone will think you're a dick.   What I'm saying is: NAIL POLISH IS TEARING THIS FAMILY APART! *Runs to room, slams door, starts playing Motley Crue so they KNOW I'm mad*

Breaking: Hipster Douche Population Growing, Poised to Take Over U.S.

With the presidential election coming up, I've been Google imaging a lot of maps, and what I found was more shocking than which candidate is leading in which state.  I found something else that is pretty terrifying: the hipster population is growing exponentially.  The good news is this: they travel solely by bike or public transit, so they don't move fast, but folks-watch out: these pretentious douchenozzels are more of a presence than you might think.  Here is a map that I spilled ketchup on:


Red=Hipster Invasion

             I'm pretty sure it got on the right areas...as you can see, the tight pants population is hitting the U.S. from the outside and bottom, and moving their way up into the heartlands.  There are states that won't allow it ("Get the fuck outta here Sally"-Missouri to a straight man with a handlebar mustache, looking for a farmer's market) but some states (I'm looking at you, Oregon) are more than happy to placate the suspender-wearing masses.  Here's the long and short of it, people-if you see these:

Ignore them.  Hipsters thrive on attention and telling you their reasons for why they won't buy a New York Times Bestseller, listen to Top 40 music, or go to a chain grocery store.  They also try to connect with decades past by:
-wearing a bowler hat
-wearing suspenders
-looking like an old-timey saloon keeper
-using a rotary phone
-saying they are an "old soul"

So remember, if you ignore them, their powers are taken away.  The most dangerous thing you can do is actually have a conversation with them.  It won't end. 
     

Arnold Schwarzenegger Talks about Stupidest thing He's ever Done; Rest of World: No Shit

It wasn't Junior he was talking about?  Oh right-that affair.  Yeah, yeah.

While promoting his new book,"Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story"  on 60 Minutes,  Arnie opnes up about how he hurt Maria Shriver and their four children by giving the fat housekeeper his Prince Hapi (character he played in Around the World in 80 Days-all the good movie puns about this were used when anybody gave a shit about this story 2 years ago).  Personally I think the first draft of his book was much more marketable:

 

                "Everybody say to me 'no Ahnold, don't do it.  Don't have da sex wid da hausekeepa.'  So I say to dem, 'but she remind me of da Danny DeVito, and I love dat guy.'"

 

-Excerpt from Jingle all the Way: Judgment Day

Hottie of the Day!

JEM

 

 

 

She is truly outrageous.  

Separated at Birth

Miley Cyrus

Tank Girl

Russell Brand Needs Dry Cleaner/Alibi

We're just gonna ignore this one? Okay then, carry on...

Justin Timberlake Unveils New MySpace, Will Unveil New BetaMax Next

In "Well that's completely unnecessary" news, Justin Timberlake unveiled the new MySpace today.  So basically, he's like a less savvy, but not as Herman Munster-y Mark Cuban with his investments.  Timberlake says that this MySpace will be a way for an artist to connect with their fanbase.  He said something about "bridging the gap" and making "artists feel comfortable" but all I heard was douchetooldouchebridgingthetooldouchegapheyanybodywannagototheGapandtryonladiesvests?

Here's the thing: Justin Timberlake dresses like Ellen.  Case closed.

Suri makes urgent call to get her mom a new stylist!

"She's just taking shit off our furniture and wearing it."

Breaking: Most Boring Actress in Hollywood Gives Birth to...Oh Who Cares?

"It's almost like if she got her chin too close to her stomach it would pop like a balloon." -Science

      Reese Witherspoon gave birth today to a baby boy, whom she named Tennessee James Toth.  She grew up in Tennessee get it?  So of course she is going to make her son carry that shit around his whole life.  I'm just saying Tennessee Toth sounds like that moonshine your uncle brought over that one Christmas,things got a little crazy and...STRANGER DANGER STRANGER DANGER... *gets out from under desk* whew, what were we talking about? Florida Evans?

Congratulations Elle Woods.

Hottie of the Day!

STEVEN KEATON



 

 

Does he even need to ask if you want a mustache ride...ladies?

So, JWOW is Engaged...

Because one of them missing her abortio-ahem...having a baby wasn't enough, Jenni "JWOW" Farley is now engaged to boyfriend Roger Mathews.  Via InTouch:

        "...Mathews proposed while the two were taking a skydiving lesson. After they had jumped and safely landed, she says she looked over and saw a handwritten sign reading, "Jenni, will you..." "I turned to him and freaked out," Farley said. Then she said "Yes." "

This is good-cuz it totally shows young girls that if you work hard and stay in school, you can have it all-wait what?  Oh goddamit.  Okay, starting over-It shows that if you drink to excess, get into random fights at bars, and fuck everything that can dance battle, they too can have millions of dollars, a dream wedding, and be on the cover of every magazine in circulation.  Oh, and chlamydia.  Lots and lots of  chlamydia.

Congrats.
           

Hottie of the Day!

 

UNCLE PHIL

 

 

Ladies, start your vibrators.  This chocolate teddy bear is all business in the morning, and busy at night.  Just don't mention his ne'er do well nephew, Will.

R.I.P. Andy Williams (1927-2012)

Legendary crooner Andy Williams lost his brave battle with bladder cancer yesterday at the age of 84.  He was an extraordinary talent, and will be missed.  One of our favorite Andy Williams quotes:

"The important things are children, honesty, integrity and faith."

He certainly lived this way.  Rest in Peace, Andy;  God has a new angel in His choir.

Madonna Endorses Obama by Giving History Lesson; Correct Birthdate

On Monday night in Washington D.C., Madonna aka the Fairground Stripper showed her support for President Obama by giving the crowd a rousing history lesson, in which she harkens back to when she was just a young lass:

         "In 1864...Abraham Lincoln was president of the United States...and they killed him, as they do-all the prophets.  Then, 100 years later, Martin Luther King Jr. came here to march for the Civil Rights movement, and he won...and they killed him, as they do...and now, we have an African American in the White House!"
    
      She continues on to say "They fought for our freedom!"  before mistakenly calling the president a Muslim.  But you can't blame her, she's at least 200 years old.

     "And then in the twenties, well that was quite a decade, the 1820's mind, I couldn't stand them roarin' 1920's-too much noise.  What was I saying now? Ah yes, my sixteenth birthday-quite a day, quite a day.  Caught me two turkeys with my daddy's rifle, took me three hours to load it, it did."
-Excerpt from Fairground Stripper: The Madonna Memoires

Because they Couldn't get Judy Garland's Ghost...

"Yes, that's right-this will win back my minions from True Blood...lap it up my rainbow colored kitties, Lap. It. Up."  (Sarah Jessica's inner voice/child).

Just Joyce

Joyce at the T.V.

So The Mindy Project  is a very dark hospital drama that focuses on the delusions of a young Indian woman who is a patient in the psychiatric ward. . . at least that's what I took away from it. It's got a lot of twists and turns, but I seen Shutter Island last week on DVD, and so in that movie, Leonardo DiCaprio (such a cutie) he's nuts, but like, thinks he's a cop, and this mental island is there to play along with his delusions, and that's kind of like what I think is going on in The Mindy Project. She thinks she's a doctor, but she's clearly not, she's an alchoholic with an unhealthy fascination with Meg Ryan, and a mental disorder to boot. I guess it's a hospital show, but it also has some Law & Order SVU crap going on because these guys are trying to have sex with her, but it is really sad because she's like mentally ill. And then these guys who "work with her" tell her to lose weight, but it's like c'mon, psychiatric drugs make you gain weight, not that I know this from personal experience, I swear I do not know that from personal experience. I don't like to swear, just take my word for it. So, anyway, I found The Mindy Project to be really disturbing. I'm going to keep my cat's paws far away from it and give it 3 worrisome, but judgmental of course, eye rolls, and maybe a double finger for bringing me back to a bad place in my life.

Salma Hayek Realizes Gypsy's Curse was Real, Giant Gay Doll Will Haunt her Nightmares

"Dios Mio!  Oh, nevermind...he is headed for the busboy."

Thomas Jane to Shoes: "Fuck Off"

At the Emmy's afterparty, (Hung was cancelled, by the way) Thomas Jane showed off that he don't need no stinking shoes to have a good time.  It's just him, his bowler hat, some PCP he got from that guy at the abandoned carnival where all those teens were killed 100 years ago, and some Valtrex...ladies?

U.S. Headed for Bacon Shortage...Oh wait, Here it is

Since the United States is fat as shit now, of course there's an impending bacon shortage.  Let me tell you-if you wanna get Americans riled up about something, don't bother with elections or health care or any of that shit...TALK BACON.  The Guardian reports:

                          "...the cost of bacon has doubled since 2006, and record droughts are to blame. Consumption of bacon is falling as prices have been rising."

So, yeah.  "Git yer guns n head on inter the root celler...them commie basterds ain't taken our meat without r fight.  Grab yer sister-we's gonna need breedin' stock."  (How I imagine any person really upset about this talks).

Today's Pondering

 Why does Nicole Richie have respect now?

Not that long ago

Just Joyce

Joyce at the Grocery Store

So Gee Whiz, I went to the grocery store today, and was bombarded by all these pronouncements on these freakin products: Gluten Free! No Trans Fat! No Hydrogenated Oil! And Jiminy Christmas, this is on a freakin bag of potato chips. And what does kettle cooked mean? Can anyone tell me that please? You mean to tell me these huge corporations, these Lays, and Cape Cod Potato Chips have kettles actually cooking in their huge factories, I DON'T THINK SO!

So everywhere I look in the grocery store, it's like Gluten Free! And I'm thinking, who the hell cares? I don't know what it is, in or out of me. And all these people are like, oh no I have gluten allergies, and my kids have gluten allergies. What? How do you even know that? When were you and gluten even in the same room, just you two that you could come up with that conclusion. So you happy? You got everything gluten free, but now America's got all these obese humans, so if you ask me, we don't have a problem with gluten, we got a problem with gluttons! As far as trans fat goes, I don't know what that is, but I think potato chips should probably have it. I work hard for this bod, and I like to give myself a little treat at the end of the day or in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning, or whatever, and a bag of potato chips usually does the trick, so does ice cream, or cookies or a chocolate bar. But now thanks to these bratty little kids and whiny assholes all my treats seem to be gluten and transfat and hydro....androgynous......hydrogen oil free. So it's like I can't help but feel like something is missing. I never worried about that crap 25 years ago, and it was delicious, but now that I am being told it's missing, I can't help but feel cheated! And so I also think I know why everyone is so freakin fat, because, you got all these "healthy" labels on junk food, and I don't care how much gluten and oil is taken out of it, it's still crap, but people think they can just eat it regularly, like hourly, because oh it's so healthy, look ma, no gluten. And you know, not everyone is as lucky as me, I have a speedy metabolism thanks to mile high coke binges in the eighties. I can eat three Denny's Grand Slam Breakfasts and not gain a pound. It's true, I tried it before. So I give gluten free and all that other crap half a cat paw for good intentions but 5 judgemental eye rolls for freakin up my day!

Kim Kardashian: Our new favorite Krazy Kat Lady!

Celebrity Hairstyles for You

For faces that are square shaped, try this style. It looks BANGin on Crystal Bernard.

If you are a sassy sister with an oval shaped face, try this no fuss do rocked by Phylicia Rashad.

For a combination shape face, try this bob, worn by Carol Channing.  Who? That's who? GooGoo Doll? Oh, I'm not familiar with her.

If you are feeling wild, and have an oval face, try this style worn by Alley Mills.

Separated at Birth

 Real Housewives of New Jersey's Kathy Wakile

Edward Scissorhands

Fez puts on a Suit, so he Totally knows Politics now

Wilmer Valderrama took time out from being a huge douchenozzle/trolling for young damaged d-listers to bang to stop by CNN this afternoon as an "activist.": 

      "We need for the Latino community to stop the bull---- and understand that the Latin community in America needs them to wake up and actually engage.  I just don't think they understand how important it is--that one vote actually does count"

So, basically, what he's trying to say is that the Latin community is bullshitting and can't count.  Also, the Latin community needs to understand the Latin community?  Soooooo-he was doing the Latin community a great service for 8 years playing essentially a black-faced Poncho from ChiPs. 

Latin Voter: So, Wilmer, you say it's important to vote?
Wilmer: djes, berry berry important. 
Latin Voter: I'm sorry, I don't understand?
Wilmer: I SAY GOOD DAY!

-That's how that happened.

Tonight on FOX-Shit Premieres!

So let's see-how is Fox going to fuck up this time?  Ah-here it is...The New Girl returns with not only a premiere but a BONUS episode!  Yay!! That means more  adorable quirkiness from Zooey Deschanel...isn't she so cute with her bangs and her 50's dresses and ukelele?  and there's more!  SHE LIVES WITH GUYS who, aw shucks, just can't get a handle on her adorable-ness.  Can someone please tell her that Dharma and Greg already happened 15 years ago?

Okkaayy what other abortions is Fox gonna air?  Why, Ben & Kate of course! A new show about a down and out brother (that dude whose usually in Broken Lizard movies) movin' in with his sister and her smarty-pants five year old.  Aw Fox, always breaking new ground that you tried and failed with season after season.  Innovators, true innovators.

HEY! Did you think you were gonna get away from New Girl?  Not so fast chief!  another episode airs to really POUND IT INTO YOUR SKULL!!!! The first one was just a bonus!! Bwahaha!!  Is that rain?

Lastly, we have the Mindy Project, which Joyce will be reviewing later.  Uh-I'm not sure what project it is that she's working on, but clearly it's nothing to do with making her look watchable. 

So ya know, watch Fox tonight, or better yet, just go fuck yourself with a dentist drill, cuz it'll be faster and less annoying...oh, and less quirky!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Trent from Daria

Who wouldn't want to animate with with this foxy and wise aspiring musician?

We get it, Taylor Swift. You're fucking Crazy

 

Seen here trying her damndest to look like what she thinks Kennedy spawn want to bang (an 80 year old?), it has become increasingly evident that Swifty should be placed on the Hyannis Port Watchdog website.  Not only is she dating Conor Kennedy...a high school senior (come on, now Chris Hansen, where you at?) but she has been consistantly inserting herself into the Kennedy way of life...much to the dismay of: the KENNEDY'S!  Do you think, if she could, she would Buffalo Bill Ethel's ass just to feel what it's like to be in a Kennedy's skin?  Smart money is on yes...if only she could figure out that damn security code to the shock collar they make her wear.  

Julie Bowen Trying...

NIPPLE, NIPPLE, NIPPLE!!! Is this thing on?

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

                                                                       ANNIE POTTS

This fiery redhead exudes sensuality AND sexuality, but I believe Dash Goff, the writer, said it best: "She's part calico choir girl, and part satin dance hall doll with amber eyes and a dash of hellcat red in her hair, the kinda women a man wants in his bedroom when he's sick, and in his bed when he's not."

2012 Emmys Rundown

Ahoy hoy,

So, the 2012 Emmy's were last night, and to be honest, we here at Tasteless Entertainent only watch the program for the "In Memoriam" segment...which comes way too late and is way too short. 

ANYWAY...for those of you who missed the night of circle jerking and back patting, here is a condensed rundown of the evening:

8:00 pm...The opening sketch, which is never as funny as the producers hope, featured a slowly ballooning Christina Hendricks, Kathy Bates, Mindy Kahling, and a nude Lena Dunham.  You heard me right folks, that thing was nude and eating cake.  Someone needs to tell her that it's the fat MEN that are funny, not fat WOMEN.  Oh yeah, and Jimmy Kimmel and Ellen were in it,  trying their damndest to be HI-larious.  Golf claps ensue.

Julie Bowen won for best supporting actress in a comedy series for Modern Family and prattled on tirelessly about how she didn't deserve it blah, blah, blah.  She attempted thrice to make the audience laugh about nipple covers, but her efforts were for nought, producing only titters from her castmates and the audience. 

9:00 pm...Aaron Paul tries to prove he likes the ladies. 

Ricky Gervais tries, fails, tries again, fails. 

I changed the channel at around 10:00 pm to watch the season finale of The Real Housewives of New Jersey...now, that's some REAL acting...why these ladies weren't invited to this broadcast is BAFFLING to the Tasteless Team.  In a perfect world, this leading lady would bring home ALL the Emmy gold:

So that's it...Julianne Moore won for playing a retard...like Claire Danes did for Temple Grandin!  OH...speaking of Claire Danes, that pretentious mess won for Homeland. 

So there you have it, everything I gathered from the broadcast...if you wanted actual coverage of the Emmy's, well, you're stupid.  It's an awards show, not the election.  Not that I'm even gonna vote. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY! 

Roy from Wings

In honor of the Emmy Awards tonight, we are honoring the incomparable David Schramm who played Roy on one of our favorite sitcoms, Wings. T.V will Tom Nevers be the same. Be warned Ladies, you can be hypnotized by those eyes if you stare too long.

Ben Affleck wears Ann Taylor to film premiere (probably)

Tasteless Entertainment is brought to you by SKIDaddle

UNWANTED ADVICE

ASK BERNICE

SALLY From TOPEKA asks "I was shopping at Wal-Mart the other day and I noticed that there are 2 different types of my preferred tampon--scented and unscented. Is there a big difference? And will one irritate me more than the other?

A: Sally, what in Sam Hill are you shopping at Wal-Mart for? That's for poor people! Do you know there is a place in every Wal-Mart parking lot for some derelect to park their mobile home? And you're buying TAMPONS there?! Ew. Ew to you.

HEY, IT'S OKAY

To do a bump or two to start your day. . . sometimes coffee just doesn't cut it!

To tell the creepy guy that's been oogling you that you have AIDS so he won't ask you out . . . HEY, HE's the jerk, HE's the one who won't ask out a girl with AIDS!

To fail that drug test . . . you didn't want that job anyway!

To have a not-so-secret crush on the boy you babysit!

To experiment!

To invite your cats to your birthday bash . . . and nobody else!

Uh, NOT Okay. . .

To be ugly!!!

Joyce at the T.V.

 JUST JOYCE

So, my hipster nieces have been raving about this new show on HBO called Girls. So I gave it a try.  Gee whiz, what a crock! if that's what girls are like these days I'm glad I got out of my lesbian phase in '77. I was totally turned off by this quartet. I feel like it should be called Girls Who Don't Try Very Hard. C'mon ladies, a little lipstick, you know it goes a long way, maybe shut your mouth when an obvious observation about your generation comes into your head. And the sex scenes in this show, oh my word. So the episode I saw was the first one, and I just had to fast forward through the sex scenes between the main character played by Laura.... no what's that... Elaine.....No Lena Didion, Dunham, and her boyfriend? So vague, no clear definition, but I guess that's the point. I don't know about you, but I enjoy a good Newhart episode, where the characters' relationships are clearly defined. Anyway, the sex scenes were just bestial. So I fast forwarded because I hate to sound mean, but it's like neither one of them prepared for this scene, just kind of like went at it like barnyard animals. So, in my day, I was in some amateur B movies, you know nothing you probably seen, just an extra, don't even try looking for them. They probably stopped making them on DVD, and I think all the film was burned in some fire at the warehouse they were being stored at, but anyway what I'm trying to say is I have experience in showbiz and the actors and actresses, before an intimate scene would get like ready and made up for it. If I had to put my money on it, I would guess that Girls does NOT have a hair and makeup department. And the plot is just kind of like, I can't get a job, and I don't like my boyfriend, and I don't like your boyfriend, and lots of socks with Oxfords. Oh yeah, speaking of Newhart though, that's what I wanted to say, Peter Scolari, who played Michael on Newhart is the father of the evil main character, who is trying to bleed he and his wife for more money to support her city living. Poor Peter, but I'm glad to see he's working.

So this show could also be called Girls with Famous Parents, because I was looking up these actors and actresses on world wide web, and it turns out like all of them have parents in the biz. That's what people in show business call it, the biz, just so we are on the same page here. Like the pretty one on the show, her father is Byron.. what Brian oh yeah Brian Williams the newsguy. It's like Hello, how did you get that job? And then Lena, the main character, well her name in the show is Hannah, her mom's like some hoity toity photographer, and there's a friend named Shoshanna I think who's like uber annoying, but that's like David Mamet's daughter, you know the playwright and director. And this other girl in it, the British girl who's slutty, her dad wrote "Bad Company." I used to love that song, but now when I hear it, I'll be thinking of Girls.

So, it's like I don't know if I'm too old to get it, but I just don't understand this show. Like what's the point? And now I hear it has all these Emmy nominations, and I'm like why? The Emmy's used to mean something, they used to be reserved for only attractive people. I'm sorry, but someone had to say it. Why even watch T.V. anymore, everyone on these shows looks like the Joe Schmos I see picking their wedgies walking down the street.  In conclusion, I give Girls no cat paws up, and three judgmental eye rolls.