And for your penis this evening, may we present a very fit looking Britney Spears. Who knew under all those Doritos and anti-depressants there was a skinny hillbilly tunneling her way out? This guy did, Britney, this guy.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Promoting Literacy and Fear of Our Lives...The More You Know
It's almost time for summer reading so why not shove this book under your damn kid's nose? In fact, buy a few copies and hand 'em out as gifts. It will save us an unholy beating.
Get your copy here or don't and know that you angered Kathleen. She'll know.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Chris Martin Got Tired of Gooping Gwenyth Paltrow
So Lord and Lady Vegan of Pretentionshire have decided to part ways because you can only smell each others farts out of champagne glasses for so long. Via UsWeekly:
"It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate,"
the statement read. "We have been working hard for well over a year,
some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been
possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we
love each other very much we will remain separate."
Who knows what this will do to their kingdom. Someone should really place the serfs into solitary, lest they gain the power of literacy and read the royal scrolls. All will be lost.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Gentlemen, Commence Your Weeping...Mila Kunis is Knocked Up
That's right fellas...these two are gonna be parents. But hey-how many kids are gonna be able to say that Mila Kunis was their first apartment? Not many, I'll bet. Not many at all.
R.I.P. James Rebhorn
Veteran character actor James Rebhorn has passed away at the age of 65. Via The Hollywood Reporter:
"He died from melanoma, which had been diagnosed in 1992," Busch stated. "He fought it all this time. He died Friday afternoon at his home in New Jersey, where he had been receiving hospice care for a week and a half."
Rebhorn also had a recent recurring role on the USA Network hit White Collar as Special Agent Reese Hughes, head of the FBI's Manhattan white-collar crime unit.
During his prolific five-decade career, the Philadelphia native also was memorable as the district attorney that sent Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer to jail on the Seinfeld finale in 1998 and as the prosecution’s FBI expert automotive witness in the hilarious film My Cousin Vinny (1992). He also had stints as attorneys on the David E. Kelley shows The Practice and Boston Legal and recurring roles on Third Watch, The Book of Daniel, Law & Order and Big Lake.
We are very sad about James Rebhorn's passing. He was one of those talented actors who embodied any role he was handed and truly one of those actors you always loved to see in whatever you were watching. Rest in Peace and God Bless, James.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Kim and Kanye's Vogue-us Journey
Does anyone else have the feeling that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are like Jacobim Mugatu and Maury Ballstein from Zoolander somehow hynotizing Anna Wintour with Frankie Goes to Hollywood songs? Anyone?
Friday, March 21, 2014
Damn, Johnny Weir
So Johnny Weir went full bitch on his soon to be ex-husband, Victor Simon Weir-Voronov, and took a huge bite out of his arm. This is also amid the other messy divorce to-do's such as allegations of lying and shakedowns. Listen ladies-if you thought marriage would take the spice out of our Johnny-think again bitches. Mee-Owww
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Can Someone Please Push Lena Dunham Back to the Cave She Rolled out of...You Know What? Lock it...Lock a Damn Cave
Ugh...
Because we live in a world where people like slagathor up there are allowed to be famous and voice their dumbass opinions, (and people like me write about it at work because fuck it, what else am I doing?)...the Huffington Post was treated to a pretentious Lena Dunham rant about how guilty Woody Allen is even though...oh my God you guys, you tots shouldn't convict his work GAHL! Via The Huffington Post:
The “Girls” star previously tweeted her support for Dylan Farrow,
Allen’s adopted daughter, after The New York Times in February published
an open letter by Farrow about alleged sexual abuse by Allen. However,
Dunham told Maron that she is “not comfortable living in a world where
art is part of how we convict people of crimes.”
“I’m not gonna indict the work,” she added. “I think that you can decide that you don’t want to support the work of somebody who has molested a child. That’s a completely appropriate choice. But going through it and saying, ‘Look, he’s told us in 57 ways that he rapes kids.’ That’s not the thing. The thing is to look at the actual evidence that exists in the world, which I think strongly suggests that Woody Allen is in the wrong.”
Maron mentioned that someone had tweeted at him, saying they are now “nauseated” by Allen’s artistic work. Dunham responded, “I’m nauseated with the person.”
“People who really believe Woody Allen is guilty have not felt comfortable saying that because they’re so afraid to lose their connection to his work,” she said. “And the thing is, I feel like people need to understand that you can hold two positions in your mind. You can know that someone’s made work that’s meaningful to you and also know that they have most likely molested their daughter.”
“I’m not gonna indict the work,” she added. “I think that you can decide that you don’t want to support the work of somebody who has molested a child. That’s a completely appropriate choice. But going through it and saying, ‘Look, he’s told us in 57 ways that he rapes kids.’ That’s not the thing. The thing is to look at the actual evidence that exists in the world, which I think strongly suggests that Woody Allen is in the wrong.”
Maron mentioned that someone had tweeted at him, saying they are now “nauseated” by Allen’s artistic work. Dunham responded, “I’m nauseated with the person.”
“People who really believe Woody Allen is guilty have not felt comfortable saying that because they’re so afraid to lose their connection to his work,” she said. “And the thing is, I feel like people need to understand that you can hold two positions in your mind. You can know that someone’s made work that’s meaningful to you and also know that they have most likely molested their daughter.”
Okay, so basically, this untalented, squashy, pale semi-human is going off saying that Woody Allen is guilty, (she really is, even if she's trying to make it sound somewhat diplomatic by saying his work could be considered meaningful) with absolutely no evidence, and SAYING that there is evidence against him out there, the only evidence being his bored daughter making claims that don't make sense and the shell that's left of Mia Farrow agreeing with her. So yeah...totally appropriate to basically slander someone with no evidence-way to be. Hmm...if Woody Allen gave a fuck about Lena Dunham or even knew who she was for that matter-me thinks he would be all like: "Pshh...what's his problem?"
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Kevin from Just Shoot Me
Awkward, huge, and a slow-talker...what every woman needs in her life.
Oh Yes, TLC-This is The Way to Go
Because TLC must want a night off from exploiting obese redneck children and people who are addicted to eating graveyard dirt, they are airing a one-night special featuring Kate Gosselin and her band of unpaid sweatshop workers children. Via UsWeekly:
Kate plus eight -- six years later. TLC announced Tuesday, March 18 that it will be bringing back the reality TV family -- minus dad Jon Gosselin -- on its network for a one-hour special slated to air this summer.
"In 2007, viewers first fell in love with one of the most talked about families in reality television history," the network shared of the Gosselin family in its press release. Indeed, the Pennsylvania-based family rapidly rose to fame as the popular series chronicled two parents raising eight kids -- twins Cara and Mady, now 13, and sextuplets, Alexis, Hannah, Aaden, Collin, Leah, and Joel, age 9.
I think "fell in love" with the family is a bit strong, TLC. We didn't love the Gosselins...we had a weird relationship with them that culminated in shock and awe as we watched Jon Gosselin wave a gun around George Zimmerman style at a photographer and Kate squirm in her Spanx on television as her daughters basically said with their eyes what an unfit mother she was. That's not love, TLC...it's a fun mix of pity and concern. Mix it with vodka and you have my last
Sunday, March 16, 2014
R.I.P. David Brenner
Via People:
David Brenner, the gangly, toothy-grinned Tonight Show favorite whose brand of observational comedy became a staple for other standups, died Saturday. He was 78.
Brenner, who had been fighting cancer, died peacefully at his home in New York City with his family at his side, according to Jeff Abraham, his friend and publicist.
The lanky, always sharply dressed Brenner became one of the most frequent visitors to Johnny Carson's Tonight in the 1970s and '80s.
His 150-plus appearances as guest and substitute host turned the former documentary filmmaker into a hot comedian, one who was ubiquitous on other talk shows and game shows.
Brenner, who had been fighting cancer, died peacefully at his home in New York City with his family at his side, according to Jeff Abraham, his friend and publicist.
The lanky, always sharply dressed Brenner became one of the most frequent visitors to Johnny Carson's Tonight in the 1970s and '80s.
His 150-plus appearances as guest and substitute host turned the former documentary filmmaker into a hot comedian, one who was ubiquitous on other talk shows and game shows.
Truly a great talent-a hilarious slice of life comic. One of those guys who when you thought about his material-it just made you smile. God Bless
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Britney Spears' Little Sister Got Married Y'all
This might be a picture from the wedding of Jamie Lynn Spears and Jamie Watson (that's right, they're both named Jamie, and so is her dad for that matter) we're not sure, but like I said, it might be. Britney's 22-year-old little sis married the 31-year old businessman yesterday in New Orleans. Not sure what business he's in, but if I had to guess I'd say fertilizer.
Chris Brown is a Totally Cool, Upstanding Citizen. Just Kidding-He was Arrested
Via CNN:
Details were not
immediately available about why Brown, 24, was kicked out of the Malibu
facility where he has been treated for the past four months.
Nor was it clear exactly
why he was taken into immediate custody, but he had been serving a
five-year probation sentence when he entered rehab. That sentence
stemmed from a 2009 assault on then-girlfriend Rihanna.
He was "cooperative when
taken into custody" as he was picked up from the facility and taken to
the Los Angeles County men's central jail where he was being held
without bail Friday afternoon, a sheriff's department statement said.
His lawyer and representatives did not immediately respond to CNN calls for comment.
Whoa whoa whoa hold the phone-wait a damn minute...CHRIS BROWN IS ONLY 24????? Geez Louise, beating up women really takes a toll on you. More impressive: HE WAS COOPERATIVE?? My whole universe has gone topsy-turvy.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Kim Kardashian Makes Desperate Bid for Attention; Steals Child's Swimsuit
Of course, there is no other type of attention she goes after so ya know...
Apparently Kim Kardashian stole her 16 year old sister's bikini and posted it on Instagram to prove to the world not only can she somehow shimmy into a bikini meant for a child, but also is a raging thieving lunatic! Her daughter is going to be so proud one day ashamed...her daughter will be ashamed and a resident of Iceland. I hear they got those cool hotels there now.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
OMG You Guys Taylor Swift is Like, the Biggest Bitch in Ninth Grade
Okay, because Taylor Swift is 24 and totally knows how to act like a mature adult-she is tots not talking to her bestie Selena Gomez cuz she like h8s her boyfriend! GAWD!
Via UsWeekly:
The "Boyfriend" singer sent his ex $10,000 in flowers and flew from Miami to McAllen, Texas to see her on March 7. Two days later, the "Come And Get It" crooner accompanied the Biebs to the SXSW music fest where he sang his hit "As Long as You Love Me" to her.
But Gomez rekindling of the Jelena flame isn't the only thing peeving Swift. She believes Gomez "used" a brief romance with the Grammy winner's pal Ed Sheeran last June to make her jailbird sweetie jealous.
"After Selena pulled that move, Taylor started distancing herself," a source tells Us.
And Swift has plenty of besties to spend time with otherwise. Recently she's been spotted with Modern Family's Sarah Hyland, True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld, Victoria's Secret model Karlie Kloss, and even Gomez's enemy, New Zealander Lorde. But while their friendship may be struggling, a Swift pal insists that the country artist-turned-pop vocalist loves Gomez and will always be there for her.
So yes-as you can see, Taylor Swift is totally normal. She just ACTS like the pied piper of impressionable young women and we shouldn't be concerned at all. If she was a fifty year old computer geek with sweat pants and yellowed aviator glasses, sure but no, no, we should just leave her alo-NOW!
"Hi there Taylor-why don't you just take a seat right-right over there. That's right. I'm Chris Hansen." (I'm not really Chris Hansen but I think you get my point and I can stop talking into my stapler now.)
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Leave It To Bieber…
…to be a bratty little bitch in a deposition. Acting like a petulant child in the principal's office, Justin Bieber was snide and downright rude to opposing counsel when "answering" questions in a deposition March 6th. I can't believe my grandma lent him her new sporty jacket for the occasion. He probably stunk it up with his funky attitude! Click the link above to see the video.
Monday, March 10, 2014
No Moss! Marriage to Fred Armisen is a Traumatic Experience
Really? He always seemed like he might be gay to me, so I was really surprised when he married a woman, and even more surprised when they got divorced just eight months later, basically I was just walking around suprised for a year. In a new interview with New York Magazine Elisabeth Moss says her marriage to Armisen "extremely traumatic" confirming Armisen's own admission in a Howard Stern interview that he was a "terrible husband." Moss, a star on Mad Men had previously told the New York Post of the SNL alum and new bandleader for Late Night with Seth Meyers "One of the greatest things that I heard someone say about his is, 'he's so good at doing impersonations. But his greatest impersonation he does is that of a normal person.'" Well I think the greatest impersonation he does is of Joy Behar, but so what, who cares.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Oh Good...Aaron Carter is pulling a Robin Thicke
"She will be mine, Mr. Fluffy Paw."
Aaron Carter has vowed to win back Hillary Duff because apparently now, we live in a vow-swearing Jane Austen netherworld. Here is a tweet from Sir Aaron regarding Hillary Duff's ex-husband, Mike Comrie:
"Don't be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever.. Like me…"
Words we can all live by in the pursuit of love, Sir. Now please don't terry-run down to the estate and fetch out the dowry from the chesterfield made by Lady Puffington to marry off her daughter to Lord Wigglesworth. Tut tut hurry along. That's a good lad.
Mary Kate Olsen is Engaged to Your Creepy Uncle
Since she's been wearing this huge antique diamond ring around, I guess it's safe to say that Mary Kate Olsen is engaged to Olivier Sarkozy, or as he is know in French "Le Creep du Statutory a la Full House".
Mazel, you crazy kids.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
HOTTIE OF THE DAY!
Miranda Hobbes from Sex and the City
She's no Mena Suvari…but she's still kinda hot!
Realty Reality Check
Well, I am just sick about this! The house that I was led to believe was the Jenner House on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, because it always says "Jenner House" when it pops up on screen, is NOT the Jenner house. It is just used for exterior shots, and happens to be on the market now for 6 mil. It looks more Olive Garden than gypsy inside. The actual Jenner house is actually 20 miles away. Apparently they don't want to show it for security reasons. I haven't felt this betrayed since my cat stood me up for date night yesterday. Anyway, here's a pic of the actual Jenner house. You're welcome!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Teresa and Wario Giudice Plead Guilty
Our favorite housewife and her always irreverently funny hubby, Joe pleaded guilty to a shit ton of fraud charges and now could potentially face jail time and/or hefty fines. Here's hoping for no jail time because let's face it-they're awful people, but they have young daughters at home and having both parents in jail is like a one way ticket to sad stripper-junction. I love strippers-but only the happy ones. Anyway, I feel like I've gone off topic, but that's just because I've been marathon watching my DVD set of Friends all night and quite frankly, can't even think straight. Remember Chandler, you guys? Always a riot, that guy.
Guess Who Is Ruining Something From My Childhood?
According to Entertainment Weekly, the slagathor known as Lena Dunham will be shitting all over Archie Comics by writing a four part story for them. I am so mad, I could have kittens because who wants to bet she is gonna make Betty super fat, Veronica super ugly and Moose super fucking naked? WHY MUST YOU RUIN EVERYTHING? WHAT'S NEXT? MAKING MY SIMON A WHINY OVER PRIVELEGED "WRITER" WITH NO TALENT?
*uses inhaler* I'm okay...who wants to talk about boobs?
Someone Knocked Up Scarlett Johansson
And that someone is...Romain Dauric. So ya know-whatever. DAMN-that kid will never go hungry. *nudges Pam in payroll* Huh? Huh? Know what I mean? Haha boobs.
Monday, March 3, 2014
The Oscars Are So Yesterday
So our Oscar reporting will cover the people who have absolutely no business being at these Oscar events and after parties, in a segment we like to call "Who Let YOU in?"
Looks like the the Kardashians are planning some kind of ventriloquist act. Save it for Beecher's Madhouse ladies.
Allison Williams is just the prettiest girl at Prairie prom
Proactiv may have cleared up Adam Levine's skin, but does not prevent him from making that dumbass smirk, seriously who let you in?
Miranda Kerr makes as much sense at an Oscar party as a Grammy. Ohhh snap!
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