Oh, I forgot to Make Fun of Bieber's Angry Soccer Mom Hair Do!

Or HAIR-DON'T-amirite...ladies??

 

Oh Yeah, and Kanye West wants to be President

 

Apparently, Kanye West was so impressed with himself during his acceptance speech for the biggest douche douchery in douchedom that he announced his 2020 presidential candidacy.  Here is the full line of bullshit:

 

Bro, bro, listen to the kids. Jeremy, I got to put it down for a second, it's beautiful, Jeremy Scott designed... First of all, thank you Taylor for being so gracious and giving me this award this evening. And I often think back to the first day that I met you. Also, you know, I think about when I'm in the grocery store with my daughter and I have a really great conversation about fresh juice, you know, and at the end they say, "You're not that bad after all." And I think about it sometimes, like it crosses my mind when I go to a baseball game and 60,000 people boo me. It crosses my mind a little bit.
And I think, if I had to do it all again, what would i have done? Would I have worn a leather shirt? Would I have drank half a bottle of Hennessy and given the rest to the audience? Y'all know you drank that bottle too. If I had a daughter at that time, would I have went on stage and grabbed the mic from someone else's...
You know this arena, tomorrow, it's gonna be a completely different set up or something like that. This stage will be gone. After that night, the stage will be gone, but the effect it had on people will remain. The problem was the contradiction. The contradiction is: I do fight for artists, but in that fight I somehow was disrespectful to artists. I didn't know how to say the right thing, the perfect thing. I just... I sat at the Grammys and saw Justin Timberlake and Cee-Lo lose. Gnarls Barkley and the Future Sex album... Justin, I ain't trying to put you on blast but I saw that man in tears, bro. And I was thinking like, he deserves to win album of the year. And this small box that we are in as the entertainers of the evening. How could you explain that? Sometimes I feel like, you know, all this bullshit that they run about beef and all that, sometimes I feel like I died for the artist's opinion. For the artists to be able to have an opinion after they were successful. I'm not no politician, bro. And look at that. You know how many times MTV ran that footage again? 'cause it got them more ratings. You know how many times they announced that Taylor was gonna give me the award? 'cause it got them more ratings. Listen to the kids, bro.
I still don't understand award shows. I don't understand how they get five people who worked their entire life one sold records, sold concert tickets, to come stand on a carpet and for the first time in their life be judged on a chopping block and have the opportunity to be considered a loser. I don't understand it, brah. I don't understand when the biggest album and the biggest video... I've been conflicted, bro! I just wanted people to like me more. Fuck it bro.
Two thousand and fifteen. I will die for the art, for what I believe in. The art ain't always gonna be polite. Y'all might be thinking right now, "I wonder, did he smoke something before he came here?" The answer is yes, I rolled up a little something to knock the edge off. I don't know what's gonna happen tonight. I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow, bro. But all I can say to my artist, my fellow artist, just worry about how you feel at the time man. Just worry about how you feel and don't never... I'm confident, I believe in myself. We the millennials, bro. This is a new mentality. We're not gonna control our kids with brands. We're not gonna teach low self esteem and that to our kids. We gonna teach our kids that they can be something. We're gonna teach our kids that they can stand up for themselves. We're gonna teach our kids to believe in themselves. If my grandfather was here right now he would not let me back down. I don't know what I'm finna lose after this, it don't matter though cause it ain't about me. It's about ideas bro, new ideas. People with ideas. People who believe in truth. And yes, as you probably could have guessed by this moment, I have decided in 2020 to run for president.

Yeah, I don't know-I stopped reading at "bro".



R.I.P. Wes Craven

Very sad news for the entertainment world...

 

Horror movie magician and amazing director Wes Craven died on Sunday after a heroic battle with brain cancer at the age of 76.  The Nightmare on Elm Street director is remembered fondly by actors, directors and all who knew him.  Rest in peace, Wes, you scared the crap out of everybody with your movies and your amazing talent.  

This Also Happened at the VMA's

 

That's right...all of that. 

 

Apparently Justin Bieber broke down in tears because well ya know, the meth, after a high flying stunt and a song supposedly about ex Selena Gomez.  You know what I think?  I think that the first time a girl gets her period it can be a very emotional time, so why don't we just leave Justin alone with a bottle of Midol and some chocolate bars and she'll be good as new. 

Nicki Minaj Was in No Mood, Miley...No Mood

 

So the 2015 VMA's were last night, and one of the big moments of contention came when Nicki Minaj won what I am guessing is the award for most confusing boner-giver.  Basically, she put her attitude on full blast (after thanking her pastor) towards the host of the evening, Miss Miley Cyrus. 

 

Here's the run-down via Us Weekly:

 

As previously reported, Minaj was accepting the Moonman for Best Hip Hop Video for "Anaconda" when the face-off went down on Sunday. After saying her requisite thank yous, she turned to Cyrus, 22, and said, "And now...back to this bitch that had a lot to say about me in the press. Miley, what's good?" 
The "Wrecking Ball" songstress looked taken aback for a few seconds before she replied, "Hey, we are all in this industry and we all do interviews and say s--t. Nicki, congratuf--kinglations."

I mean-why is it these flash in the pans use the VMA's to air out their grievances?  I remember when this was like the "fun" awards show-not an excuse to pretend you're actually going to do something.  Let's get it straight Nicki-you're a fucking pop star.  You're trying to trash talk a 22 year old girl who is wearing eyeballs as a bra.  This is essentially just a fever dream, and you look like an idiot. 



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Nigel Thornberry

 

Delicious.

I'm Sorry

 

I am so, so sorry.

Sad...

 

So I'm not sure how many people were aware of this guy, but you may recognize 35 year old Toby Sheldon from reality programs Botched and My Strange Addiction.  He is famous for spending over $100,000 on several surgeries to look like his idol, Justin Bieber.  Anyway, he was found dead in a hotel room in West Hollywood following a break up.  Drugs were found at the scene, but a cause of death is still undetermined.  Those of you who saw Toby on those shows probably could deduce that there was an infinite sadness there...something he was trying to fix with ridiculous plastic surgery that he did not need.  It's sad when someone is clearly in need of help they don't get.  

Rest easy, man-I hope you finally found happiness.  

Ronda Rousey is an Abusive Husband's Mistress

 

 All righty, let's get to it...

So apparently Ronda Rousey is dating married MMA fighter and reported domestic abuse enthusiast Travis Browne.  That's Browne's current wife on the right, and she has confirmed the rumor that Rousey and her husband are rolling around together.  Seems about right. 

Prayers for Virginia Victims

 

Please keep these two innocents in your hearts and prayers.  Alison Parker and Adam Ward were simply doing their jobs today when a crazed gunman shot and killed them both live on air.  They were young, vibrant people who respected journalists.  The piece of shit who killed them apparently worked at the station and was a fucking homicidal maniac who deserves the hell that awaits him.  

Please pray for their families, their significant others, and all who knew them. 

Snooki's Husband May Have an Ashley Madison Account; Be Retarded

 

I mean is retarded-he is retarded.  

So basically, we live in a world where Snooki has a podcast, and on said podcast, she chastised Anna Duggar for staying with admitted pervert Josh after his Ashley Madison accounts became public.  Fine, okay seems legit-EXCEPT it seems Snooki's own husband, Jionni very well may have his own Ashley Madison account.  GASP!  (Except not really because, I mean, come on).  SOoooOooO-yeah.

Jared Fogle's Charity was a Steaming Pile of Bullshit

 

Surprise, surprise.  Turns out Jared Fogle's "charity" never actually issued out any grants.  Via The Huffington Post: 

 The charity was supposed to shell out $2 million a year to schools and community organizations. But the foundation spent an average $73,000 per year from 2009 to 2013, USA Today reported, citing the organization's tax records. Sixty percent of that went to Taylor, and 26 percent is unaccounted for.

Taylor, a friend of Fogle's who was hired by the Jared Foundation in 2009, was arrested in April for child exploitation, possession of child pornography and voyeurism.

Investigators found more than 400 child pornography videos on computers and hard drives, and four minors were identified as victims.
Fogle, who at the time of Taylor's arrest said he was "shocked to learn of the disturbing allegations," pleaded guilty last week to traveling to engage in "unlawful commercial sexual acts" with minors and to possession of child pornography.
The charity was supposed to shell out $2 million a year to schools and community organizations. But the foundation spent an average $73,000 per year from 2009 to 2013, USA Today reported, citing the organization's tax records. Sixty percent of that went to Taylor, and 26 percent is unaccounted for.

Taylor, a friend of Fogle's who was hired by the Jared Foundation in 2009, was arrested in April for child exploitation, possession of child pornography and voyeurism.

Investigators found more than 400 child pornography videos on computers and hard drives, and four minors were identified as victims.
Fogle, who at the time of Taylor's arrest said he was "shocked to learn of the disturbing allegations," pleaded guilty last week to traveling to engage in "unlawful commercial sexual acts" with minors and to possession of child pornography.

So basically, this charity was just Fogle and his friend sitting around comparing notes on kiddie porn.  Good, great, dandy.  Enjoy prison style foot longs you fucking perverts. 

Of Course Johnny Depp's Daughter is On the Spectrum

 

Of sexuality that it...

So basically, because every whim is news now when it comes to bisexuality with celeb spooge, 16 year old Lilly Rose Depp has revealed that her sexuality falls "on the vast spectrum" whatever the fuck that means.  I bet it means she humps tigers.  

Jessa Duggar is an Attention Whore; Feels Brother's Perviness is Overshadowing her Bullshit

  

Yeah so basically, one of the baby machines from 19 Kids and Counting is all pissed off because her sister got all the TLC attention for her kid's birth because you know, the show was filming before it was revealed their brother was a fucking pedophile and this is upsetting the little Duggar who is getting so little.  Besides being pissed, she is obsessively posting pictures, polls about her future baby and all kinds of other attention-seeking B.S.  on her Instagram page.  Damn that pedophile brother, taking away all the glory of pooping out babies from that poor girl.  That's how girls do it right? Pooping?

These Two Trash Bags Got Married

 

These two winners (Tyler Baltierra and Catelynn Ispellmynamefuckingretarded) from season one of MTV's Teen Mom and I'm sure stars of several spin-offs of that abortion have gotten married and are gonna have lots of chillen, (I'm guessing that's how they say that) securing that the world's collective IQ will be down 20 points in ten years.  I honestly don't think this is news, I just want to avoid posting anything Kardahsian-related for at least a week, so enjoy the trashy placeholders.  

Kelly Osbourne Continues to Put Fat Foot in Mouth

I guess when your only claim to fame is being the grown up, purple-haired spooge of music's greatest buffoon, we can't expect you to be competent.  Kelly Osbourne proved just that when she slammed Giuliana Rancic, calling her a "liar" for basically no reason except to try to put some of the heat off of her misfired immigrant remarks on The View.  I don't know-I mean, why doesn't she just stop-you know?  Make like that other Osbourne daughter and just avoid the cameras and attention?  I mean, she sucks, she's stupid, and her only novelty now is being a tad less fat than she was ten years ago.  So, yeah-go away, grown-up Ozzy cum. 



America: FUCK YEAH!

 

 I just want to give a huge HERO SHOUT-OUT to the amazing and BRAVE men who took down a maniac with a machine gun on the Amsterdam-Paris train yesterday.  Without men like you who have balls of fucking steel, well, who knows what would have happened...cheers to you, guys-you're what 'Merica is all about.

Jared Fogle's Butt is in Serious Trouble

(Editor's Note: There were so, so, so many good foot-long pictures)

Welp, it looks like Jared Fogle is the monstrous pervert we all thought he was when he started with those pushy Subway ads.  Not only did he refer to middle school girls as "hot" and have sex with two minors but also obtained pornography of children as young as SIX YEARS OLD!!!!  This has all come to light via Rochelle Herman, who documented all the grossness for years.  

Fogle will be serving anywhere from five to twelve years.  Who knew the footlongs would one day be going in another way for ol'  Jared?

I'm sorry.

Oh, This is Delicious...

 

So Josh Duggar, you know Josh?  The pedophile who molested his own sisters and is still a judgmental douchebag from the TLC show Womb for One More? (It took me a while to come up with that one-other options included I'm a Fetus, Get Me Outta Here! and of course, Hoarders)  Anyway, it seems the molestation of his own sisters was just the tip of the iceberg...turns out he paid almost $1,000 on two separate Ashley Madison accounts (the site that helps married people have affairs-as if you didn't know)  and here are some juicy details via UsWeekly:

The site also pointed out that the leaked data indicates the person using the account was looking for someone who is interested in “one-night stands,” “experimenting with sex toys,” "someone who can teach me,” “open to experimentation,” and more. The user’s predilections for potential partners, according to the data reviewed by Gawker, include “professional/well groomed,” “short height,” “high sex drive,” “natural breasts,” “girl next door,” “naughty girl,” and more.

This is just-this is just so wonderful. 

Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox are Dunzo

 

That's right, kids-the blackest white kid from Beverly Hills and his slowly-turning-into-an-animorph wife have decided to split the fuck up.  Is there no hope for love anymore?  Huh? huh?  ANSWER ME, HOLLYWOOD B-LIST!

End scene.  Nailed it.

Come on, Mike Epps

 

Apparently, Mike Epps isn't familiar with how the internet, women, or screenshots work, because he got caught by his wife while trying to flirt with another lady on Twitter...of course, the woman is married to Mike Epps is well, married to Mike Epps so she just responded to the overt twitter-flirting with an eye-roll emoji.  I guess it just goes with the territory, being married to triple threat Mike Epps and all.  

Side note: I'm not sure how well sarcasm comes through on these posts but let's just see what we see.

Well Hello There, Britney Spears

 

Well, apparently the Teen Choice Awards were last night and I totally didn't watch because I am NOT a pervert you guys, I swear!!  Ha ha what thirty year old man watched teen award shows, I'll tell ya who does NOT and he has two thumbs and a pair of kickass Power Ranger pajamas...hint-it's THIS GUY, ladies...no substitutions.  Any snooch, here are B-Spears's tits and crayon colored hair...wait a minute, Britney-did ya'll get into the Crayolas again and melt them on your head hair?  Not good, Britney, not good.  

For Anyone Who Thinks Caitlyn Jenner is some kind of Hero...

 

Yeah, he's not...

So basically, Jenner has been doing nothing but attention whoring since the whole fake tit procedure, and surprise surprise he posted a picture of himself with a drawn on crown, parading around young stars like Nikki Minaj and Katy Perry and posted it on his Twitter with the caption "Vote for the obvious #SocialMediaQueen in this group of young princesses! #Cait4Queen http://vote.teenchoice.com "

So yeah, he's basically trying to win a teenage award voted on by young girls, taking it away from women who are, first of all, WOMEN and about forty years his junior.  so, yeah-buying the courage award (thereby taking it away from a more deserving person-like a war hero or a girl who battled cancer) was just not enough, now he needs to be crowned the "social media queen".  Seriously...fuck you Bruce Jenner.  You are nothing but a profiteer and fucking fame whore, and you have somehow become a worse entity than the gypsy band that made you

Sesame Street is Going to be on HBO?

 

Today's show is brought to you by the letter BETTER HAVE MY FUCKING MONEY BITCH!

That's right kids, HBO has picked up Sesame Street...via CNN:

 Sesame Workshop announced Thursday that the beloved children's show, which has been on PBS since its debut in 1969, will be distributed by HBO starting this fall. Episodes will become available to PBS stations and websites nine months after they're on HBO. (Like CNN, HBO is owned by Time Warner.)

Because it's high time we saw Bert and Ernie finally get. It. On.

The Grown Up Jenner Cum was on a Yacht

 

Hey! Is that an unassuming black athlete we can destroy?  

Hey guys, because I like to make you mad so you make that adorable mad face (remember when I told your mom at Thanksgiving that you had both female and male junky parts?  Ha ha-we laughed and laughed...) Here is the grown up semen from the Bruce Jenner science project (thank you Snoop Dogg) celebrating their vapid, awful existence on a yacht...oh and by the way, Tyga got Kylie Jenner a Ferrari for her 18th birthday.  Yes, that is correct- a goddam Ferrari because she totally deserved that.  For God's sake-she's 18, has fake tits and a GED...she should be working at a Denny's in Arkansas not getting a goddam sports car.  Oh, and for a little perspective, Malala Yousafzai marked her 18th birthday by opening a school for refugees in Syria.  So, yeah, there's that.

This is Pretty Perfect

Taylor Swift is Tots Not Buying A Castle to be Near Her Boyfriend You Guys

 

Because that's soooo not something she would do-because she's totally normal when it comes to relationships.  Actually this assumption is pretty stupid, seems some people thought the serial mover-iner was going to buy a Scottish castle to be near her new boyfriend, Scotty McRedBush.  That's not his name, I just don't care enough to Google him. 

Rosie Perez Apologized to Kelly Osbourne; Said "Fuck That", Quits The View

Okay, so the rundown of this is:

-Donald Trump said his immigrants comments

-Kelly Osbourne shows how amazingly white and privileged she is by saying liberal douche backfire  comment "If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilets, Donald Trump?"

-She gets weepy during the commercial break because people will rightly see her as racist

-Rosie Perez got all pissed and fired off on Twitter

-ABC forced Perez to apologize to Ozzy's grown up cum

-Perez said something all fast and told ABC to kiss her ass-then she dances, brothers and sisters, she dances til the dawn.  

Rachel is a Bitch; Didn't Invite Chandler and Joey to Bullshit Wedding

 

How you doin'?

Not great, according to sources...it seems that Matt Le Blanc and Matthew Perry were tots not invited to Jennifer Aniston's wedding to Leatherpants McWearstoomuchjewlery.  Via UsWeekly:

They've been bamboozled! Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc confirmed on Monday, Aug. 10, that they were not invited to the surprise wedding of their former Friends costar Jennifer Aniston and her new husband, Justin Theroux.

"I was surprised," Perry, 45, told Entertainment Tonight of Aniston's Aug. 5 nuptials. "I didn't know about it."
Despite the invitation snub, Perry — who played Chandler Bing on Friends — said he was "very happy for them."

 Damn...I mean, Howard Stern's melted essence was invited, as was Chelsea Handler's cellulite rack, but no Joey and Chandler?   Me thinks she thought they would steal the show with their awesome back and forths...or not and she wants to forget her Friends roots...why, Jennifer?  Why?  Would you turn your back on Leprechaun?

R.I.P. Frank Gifford

 

Football legend and television personality Frank Gifford has died at the age of 84 at his Connecticut home. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family. 

Rest easy big guy. 

These Two Got Married, I Guess? I Don't Care

 

Forty-somethings Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have pulled off a covert wedding because that's what Hollywood types do-have secret weddings that Chelsea Handler can brag that she was invited to.  Anywho sources say it was a big old success but let's be honest...who really gives a fuck-I mean, when the middle-aged mom down the street got remarried we all kinda just politely tipped our hats and said "Let's hope this one sticks, Helen!"

One of the Duggars Made a Trashy Wedding Registry? Noooo

 

Even though their show was cancelled, the trashiest, most hypocritical family of all time is still making news for their dumbass shit, notably asking fans to give them gifts...via The Stir: 

The moment you've been waiting for has arrived: Amy Duggar's wedding registry is now available to view. The former 19 Kids and Counting reality star and her fiancé Dillon King are registered at Dillard's and list everything you would expect to see on a registry of wants from future newlyweds.
So why are they being criticized? 
For starters, the 28-year-old niece of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar didn't make fans too happy after suggesting fans give a gift. Some felt it was a "read between the lines" situation because she put her address on full blast in order to receive cards and other items. If you sent a gift, that's on you.
At least now you know what the couple really wants.
Featured on Amy and Dillon's wedding registry are plenty of Kate Spade products to keep their home stylish, Ralph Lauren linens, and an assortment of practical household items. Under normal circumstances, this might be no big deal, but seeing as we're talking about a Duggar, it's under a microscope.

Well, I can't say I'm at all surprised at this...I mean, these people are cut from the same threadbare, incestuous cloth as the Duggar family so I guess asking for shit from Dillard's is probably the least offensive thing they could have done.  

 

Michael Jackson's Doctor Gets High with Michael's Son on a Yacht

 

Don't worry, not the doctor that killed him...no, no, this is another credible member of the medical community, getting high with MJ's son on a yacht somewhere.  See guys?  Weed is not only awesome but it brings people together...notably, a creepy old doctor and an 18 year old boy.

Busta Rhymes Arrested for Throwing Muscle Milk

 

Tracy Morgan, is that you?

Okay so apparently Busta Rhymes was working out at Steel Gym when he got into an argument with someone who pissed him off enough to toss a container of Muscle Milk at them.  The kicker?  Busta was arrested for second degree assault.  Seriously.  Hope you beat the rap on this, Busta...but you know, street cred.

Kim Richards Stole a Shitload of Stuff from Target

 

Ah the face of undeserved fame...

Okay, so for those of you normals who don't jerk off to the Real Housewives because your mom took away your Amelia Bedelia books, Kim Richards is the alcoholic aunt of Paris Hilton, and star of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills...oh and she's also a psychotic pill-popping kleptomaniac.  Via UsWeekly: 

She needs to sit down for some real talk. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kim Richards was arrested on Sunday, Aug. 2, after she was caught shoplifting from a Target store in San Fernando Valley, Calif.
The Van Nuys Police Department confirms to Us Weekly that Richards, 50, was suspected of walking out of the store with close to $600 worth of items in her cart. She was apprehended at about 4:30 p.m. in the afternoon, and placed under citizen's arrest.

According to authorities, Richards spent the night in jail and was released on Monday, Aug. 3, on $5,000 bail.
Her ailing ex-husband, Monty Brinson, told Entertainment Tonight late Monday that he was surprised by the shoplifting claims. "I couldn't imagine Kim stealing or shoplifting anything. She is a giver," he told the site. "I am in complete shock. Guaranteed this must be some kind of mistake, and the facts will come out soon. She was arrested for shoplifting toys in a cart, but this was a clear misunderstanding. This was not alcohol or drug related."

Okay yeah sure...there was a "misunderstanding".  The only misunderstanding here is the fact that she wound up inside the store and not just in a crumpled heap in front of the doors.  

Did Bethe Correia Shit Her Pants?

 

Ooopsie Poopsies!  It looks like Ronda Rousey literally beat the shit out of Bethe Correia on Saturday.  Of course, nothing has been proven yet, so I'm off to find the truth.  *pulls out magnifying glass and pipe* "Ah, there is brown on her bottom...this is getting curiouser and curiouser.  I shall put my poop snooping skills to use, as I did in the case of Nancy Drew and the Case of Grandma's Panties."

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!!

David Byrne

So much energy, so much jacket, so much hot.

R.I.P. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

 

Sad news from the wrestling world today, Hall of Famer "Rowdy" Roddy Piper has died at the age of 61.  He leaves behind his wife Kitty and their four children.  

Roddy was diagnosed with Hodgkins lymphoma about a decade ago, but had been in remission.  

I gotta say, this guy was the real deal...he seemed like one of those genuinely awesome, down to earth dudes-check out what he said in response to the Hulk Hogan racial slur debacle just last month on The Rich Eisen Show: 

"With Hulkster, I don't agree with all his choices, but I don't hear people saying all the great things he's done," Piper told Eisen on July 24. Of Hogan's critics, he added: "I think everybody needs to get a life." 

Class act until the end.  Rest in Peace, man-you will be missed.