Heidi Montag's Father has been Arrested FOR MOLESTING A 13 YEAR OLD

 

Yep-this guy...big surprise.

Via UsMagazine:

 Heidi and Holly Montag’s dad Bill Montag has been arrested for allegedly sexually abusing a 13-year-old girl for years, TMZ reports. According to the site, the reality star’s dad allegedly committed acts of sexual abuse and incest at least 50 times until the girl turned 17.

Uhm...horrible.  Just. Fucking. Horrible.

Suge Knight Killed Someone; In Other News, the Sky is Blue and I like Fart Jokes

 

So Suge Knight has just turned himself in for a hit and run that killed his friend, Terry Carter.  So basically it's just Suge bein' Suge.  That's not funny.  A man in dead-but please people, use this as a cautionary tale before hanging out with Suge Knight. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Jack Geller from Friends

Daddy Cool! And he's best friends with Magnum, P.I.!

Um…Okay

There are a few disturbing elements to this information, so let's just get down to it. Johnny Depp missed a press conference in Tokyo and blamed his absence on being attacked by a chupacabra. Depp told reporters, "I was attacked yesterday morning by a very rarely seen or experienced animal called 'chupacabra." I faught with it for hours. They're very persistent, very mean. And I'm pretty sure it came into my suitcase. I threw him off the 23rd floor. So we'll never see him again. Thank you for understanding." The reporters seem to think Depp was joking, and the real reason for his absence was a cold, which is totally lame, and Hollywood speak for "I've lost my shit and think I'm being attacked by a chupacabra."

And Here Are Miley Cyrus's Censored Boobies

 

If you're anything like me, you are stuck in your house during the aftermath of the "blizzard" and craving yourself some barred up Miley Cyrus titties.  You're also forty pizza rolls deep and trying to figure out how in the good goddam they get those tiny little cheeses in there.  What I'm saying is we should hang out sometime. 

Joanna Krupa Sues Brandi Glanville For Beaver Slander

Uck, we'd hate to to go through the evidence bag in this case.  The two classy broads above from The Real Housewives franchise are engaged in a lawsuit, because according to the lady on your right, Brandi Glanville, the lady on your left, Joanna Krupa, smells bad…down there. Brandi felt the need to tell everyone about it too, also claiming that Krupa had an affair with her Real Housewives of Beverly Hills castmate Yolanda Foster's then husband Mohammad Hadid, from whom Brandi said she obtained said info on Joanna's smelly beaver. Although both Hadid and Foster deny any affair, and Krupa denies any smell, filing papers Thursday in Miami, where she is a "Real" Housewife.  I'm exhausted after relaying all that, this is like a CIA file.  As for her thunder down under, we're sure Brandi is fresh as a daisy, just look at that face, there's no krupa in her glanville.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Stapler from Office Space

 

You know you want it.  You want his stapler.

Here is My Obligitory Deflate-Gate Post

 

Okay, so if you're like me, you get all your prophetic news and pop culture through cartoons-(Stewie claiming that Bruce Jenner is a beautiful Dutch woman about 8 years ago on Family Guy, and of course,  the classic South Park Eek! A Penis episode where they called out the rampant cheating of the Patriots the first time they were caught).  I just gotta say...what the fucking fuck, Bill Belichick?  Like, seriously? Is it that hard to just NOT cheat in a game for once?  I mean, your name has become synonymous with fucking everyone up the ass with rampant douchbagery all for the sake of trotting out Tom Brady's tight stupid ass on Superbowl Sunday.  I'm a Steelers fan, but seriously, Seahawks-if you don't win, I'll stop wearing ironic tee-shirts.  I mean it.

Bruce Jenner is Gonna "Open Up" Soon-Hide the Kids

 

Okay, so basically, Bruce Jenner was pissed about the photo-shopped cover the InTouch magazine gave him (seen above-honestly I don't know why he is so upset, I think he looks like a lovely Sugarbaker woman) , and wants to open up on season 10 of KUWTK about his changing appearance.  Apparently, this is going to be a major plot line of this season, which means I will definitely be tuning in.  Imagine if he just surprises us all-like, what if he isn't even trying to be a woman, but is changing his appearance as some kind of secret government project?  Infiltrating the Kardashians was step 1, and now on to step 2...being the prettiest one of them all.  

"Talk about a... *removes Ray-Bans* ...Kris Kross"

YYEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Here is the Victoria's Secret Superbowl Commercial

I don't know-they didn't really capitalize on the fact that these are VS Angels, but then again, I am watching this at my office with the sound off (like women should be, amiright?...*nudges Joan in the boob, gets pepper-sprayed*), any snooch, here is a waste of 90 seconds of your life.

X-Files is Pulling a Twin Peaks

 

That's right, fellow 90's television nerds, X-Files has been confirmed to be rebooted and brought back with the original cast.  I gotta say, I am loving this decades later return fad that's been going on with my favorite shows from the past.  Here's hoping for a Soap reboot, or at the very least, Benson 2000.

Tiger Woods Lost a Tooth

 

Can we just all agree this is the new look he should stick with?  Okay, good.  I'm glad we covered that because I was worried for a second.  I'm just kidding.  No I'm not.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Stan Smith

The hottest American Dad.

The View is Getting Canceled. My Great Aunt is Pissed

Apparently the trouble is with Whoopi Goldberg and Rosie O'Donnell.  They should have known letting Rosie O'Donnell out of her cave to socialize with humans was going to be trouble.  

According to Spike Lee, Oscar Snubs Means America is Racist

So this means that the reason my movie Duck Boner V: Mr. Pibb's Revenge wasn't nominated is because America is against DUCKS!  

"That really"...*removes Ray-bans* seems  ducked up"

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Shannen Doherty Thinks a Car Accident Caused Her Cuntiness

 

Well, more specifically, she thinks that Jason Priestley's car accident caused memory lapses in his brain and that's why he painted her as a bitch in his memoir.  No, seriously.  Via UsWeekly:

 "I love Jason, but you know he had a car accident, a racing accident, and I think maybe parts of his memory got altered from that," Doherty, 43, alleged during [Just Jenny] which is set to air on Friday, Jan. 16, at 8 p.m. EST. "Everybody changes. They have their own perception of the truth. His is definitely different than mine."

Oh good, so every time someone says something about you that you don't like, just assume they have some type of issue with their memory and all will be well.  Hear that, entire female population?  Looks like it's YOU GUYS that have the problem, not this guy.  *snaps suspenders, realizes not wearing suspenders, trips over rock and down I go*

Bethenny Frankel is Planning to Launch her own Strain of Weed

 

Via UsMagazine:

 

A stoner’s dream come true! Bethenny Frankel’s Skinnygirl empire will soon be capable of supplying customers with the chillest night ever. The Real Housewives of New York City star plans to launch her own line of “Skinnygirl marijuana" in Alaska, Colorado, Oregon, and Washington, where recreational cannabis is legal, sources reveal exclusively in the new issue of Us Weekly.

“It will be a specially engineered strain of pot designed to not give you the munchies,” an insider close to the Skinnygirl cocktails creator, 44, tells Us. “She read about how profitable the cannabis industry is and wants to get in on that.”

Now, I am a huge fan of anybody who is planning on launching their own strain of weed, but the fun of smoking pot is the fact that I can literally eat a whole Domino's Deep Dish and feel okay about it, or totally own some sweet and sour shrimp until I look like Homer Simpson trying to push a shrimp tail into my already bloated face hole.  Why would I want to smoke weed that takes that away from me?  WHY BETHENNY WHY??

Kylie Jenner is Probably Pregnant...Well That Seems About Right

 

Yep, the 17 year old Kardashian spawn is reportedly pregnant with rapper Tyga's baby.  Now, I want to also point out that she denied being pregnant, and the story hasn't been absolutely confirmed, but ya know, it's gonna happen so we might as well roll with it.  This isn't exactly a shining example of someone who DOESN'T get knocked up for publicity by a 25 year old rapper.  P.S. who the hell is Tyga? Is he a real person or some kind of collection of ideas?  I'm cold and scared and the world doesn't make sense to me anymore.

Oscar Noms...Nom Nom Nom-I Don't Know Anymore

Welp, here is the list of Oscar nominations.  You know Wes Anderson is having a pleasantly funny, filtered to shit off-beat boner right now...

 Best Picture

"American Sniper"
"Birdman"
"Boyhood"
"The Grand Budapest Hotel"
"The Imitation Game"
"Selma"
"The Theory of Everything"
"Whiplash"

Best Director
Wes Anderson, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"
Alejandro González Iñárritu, "Birdman"
Richard Linklater, "Boyhood"
Bennett Miller, “Foxcatcher”
Morten Tyldum, "The Imitation Game"

Best Actress
Marion Cotillard, “Two Days, One Night”
Felicity Jones, "The Theory of Everything"
Julianne Moore, "Still Alice"
Rosamund Pike, "Gone Girl"
Reese Witherspoon, "Wild"

Best Actor
Steve Carell, "Foxcatcher"
Bradley Cooper, “American Sniper”
Benedict Cumberbatch, "The Imitation Game"
Michael Keaton, "Birdman"
Eddie Redmayne, "The Theory of Everything"

Best Supporting Actress
Patricia Arquette, "Boyhood"
Laura Dern, “Wild”
Keira Knightley, "The Imitation Game"
Emma Stone, "Birdman"
Meryl Streep, "Into the Woods"

Best Supporting Actor
Robert Duvall, "The Judge"
Ethan Hawke, "Boyhood"
Edward Norton, "Birdman"
Mark Ruffalo, "Foxcatcher"
J.K. Simmons, "Whiplash"

Best Adapted Screenplay
Paul Thomas Anderson, “Inherent Vice”
Damien Chazelle, "Whiplash"
Jason Hall, “American Sniper”
Anthony McCarten, "The Theory of Everything"
Graham Moore, "The Imitation Game"

Best Original Screenplay
Wes Anderson and Hugo Guinness, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"
Dan Futterman and E. Max Frye, "Foxcatcher"
Dan Gilroy, "Nightcrawler"
Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris and Armando Bo, "Birdman"
Richard Linklater, "Boyhood"

Best Foreign Language Film
"Leviathan"
"Ida"
"Tangerines"
“Timbuktu”
"Wild Tales"

Best Documentary Feature
"CITIZENFOUR"
“Finding Vivian Maier”
"Last Days in Vietnam"
“The Salt in the Earth”
"Virunga”

Best Animated Feature
"Big Hero 6"
"The Boxtrolls"
"How to Train Your Dragon 2"
“Song of the Sea”
"The Tale of The Princess Kaguya"

Best Film Editing
"American Sniper"
"Boyhood"
“The Grand Budapest Hotel”
"The Imitation Game"
"Whiplash"

Best Original Song
"Everything is Awesome" from "The LEGO Movie" (written by Shawn Patterson)
"Glory" from "Selma" (written by Common and John Legend)
"Grateful" from "Beyond the Lights" (written by Diane Warren)
"I’m Not Gonna Miss You" from "Glen Campbell: I'll Be Me" (written by Glen Campbell)
"Lost Stars" from "Begin Again" (written by Gregg Alexander, Danielle Brisebois, Nick Lashley and Nick Southwood)

Best Original Score
Alexandre Desplat, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"
Alexandre Desplat, "The Imitation Game"
Johann Johannsson, "The Theory of Everything"
Gary Yershon, “Mr. Turner”
Hans Zimmer, "Interstellar"

Best Cinematography
Roger Deakins, "Unbroken"
Emmanuel Lubezki, "Birdman"
Dick Pope, "Mr. Turner"
Robert Yeoman, "The Grand Budapest Hotel"
Lukasz Zal and Ryszard Lenczewski, “Ida”

Best Costume Design
"The Grand Budapest Hotel"
“Inherent Vice”
"Into the Woods"
"Maleficent"
"Mr. Turner"

Best Makeup and Hairstyling
"Foxcatcher"
"The Grand Budapest Hotel"
"Guardians of the Galaxy"

Best Production Design
"The Grand Budapest Hotel"
“The Imitation Game”
“Interstellar”
"Into the Woods"
"Mr. Turner"

Best Sound Editing
"American Sniper"
“Birdman”
"The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies"
"Interstellar"
"Unbroken"

Best Sound Mixing
"American Sniper"
"Birdman"
“Interstellar”
"Unbroken"
“Whiplash”

Best Visual Effects
"Captain America: The Winter Soldier"
"Dawn of the Planet of the Apes"
"Guardians of the Galaxy"
"Interstellar"
"X-Men: Days of Future Past"

Best Short Film, Live Action
"Aya"
“Boogaloo and Graham”
“Butter Lamp”
“Parvaneh”
"The Phone Call"

Best Short Film, Animated
"The Bigger Picture"
"The Dam Keeper"
"Feast"
"Me and My Moulton"
“A Single Life”

Best Documentary, Short Subject
“Crisis Hotline: Veterans Press 1”
"Joanna"
"Our Curse"
“The Reaper”
"White Earth"

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Hans & Franz

They're gonna Pump. You. Up.

Here's a Courtney Stodden Post

Okay, so you all pretty much know how obsessed this blog is with C-Stod (trademarked by me and the council of elders) so I obviously had to post this picture of her latest face.  Enjoy it, and for nostalgia's sake, here is what she used to look like:

Mmhmm...progress.  If this isn't it, I don't know what is.  

Golden Globes Rundown

Okay so I totally turned off the Golden Globes after the two sad old ladies hosting got into their terrible Bill Cosby impersonations, but here's what I DO know after doing some heavy internet sleuthing:

-Jennifer Lopez's nipple made an appearance.

-Kathy Bates got injured and screamed out in pain...it seems somebody may have stepped on her foot.

-Everyone was sweaty.

-Margaret Cho is still alive...who knew?

-Lena Dunham is a terrible human being and should be exiled to a planet where she is forced to wear clothes that cover the mishmash that is her body.

That's pretty much it.  For more information, please talk to the nurse who takes care of your grandmother because she always leaves that shit on when she's bored.  Granny ain't too fun y'all.  Here's some pictures:

Aannndd Here's the Golden Globes

Enjoy your weird boners.

R.I.P. Taylor Negron

Via Yahoo News:

Sources are confirming that comedian Taylor Negron has died after a long battle with cancer. He was 57.  Chuck Negron, Taylor’s cousin, of the ’70s band Three Dog Night, released an online video with the sad news today saying, “I want to inform you that my cousin Taylor Negron just passed away. His mother, his brother Alex and my brother Rene and his wife Julie were all there with him. May he rest in peace.”

Negron was born in Glendale, CA on August 1, 1957, the son of Lucy (née Rosario) and Conrad Negron, Sr., a former mayor of Indian Wells, CA.  He studied with Lee Strasberg and even had a private comedy seminar with Lucille Ball. Negron interned for Ball when she was 68 years old and he was 19.  Negron told KCET, “I learned from Lucy that you never get what you really want and you have to be flexible.”

Further adding what he learned about comedy from her, “What I learned from her was what she learned from Buster Keaton – know your props, know what you’re doing, know where the exit is, know the entrances, know where the camera is. Get there early. Know everyone on the set. Do not pull any funny business. Be a professional.” Negron started stand-up when he was in high school, getting a spot at the Comedy Store and began cutting his as an extra in movies. He made his full film acting debut in 1982’s soap satire Young Doctors in Love  as a love-struck, pill-popping, dancing intern.

He was also renowned for playing Mr. Pizza Guy in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Rodney Dangerfield’s son-in-law in Easy Money.  In a KCET interview, Negron said, “I became the alternative everyman in movies.”

This is very sad news, this guy was a great character actor and was awesome in any role he was in.  Rest in Peace, brother.

Of Course They Had to Give Justin Bieber a Penis

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen, what I have presented here is indisputable evidence that number one, I am creepy, and number two, (hehe number two) Calvin Klein felt the need to inflate Justin Bieber's vagina into a penis for his uhm...odd? Calvin Klein Underwear campaign.  As if the maniacal hand rubbing wasn't enough of a turn off...I mean-I'M NOT LOOKING AT HIS PENIS!  BOOBIES!!

 

PS The shadow looks like he pissed himself.  Again-not staring at his penis or vagina?  WHAT AM I?

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Zack Hanson

 



Mmmmm-bop.

A Prayer For France

At least 12 people are dead in an Islamic terrorist attack on the Paris offices of satirical French publication Charlie Hebdo.  This is a truly heinous act carried out by two masked cowards.  France, and the families affected by this truly horrible act, we are with you and you are in our prayers.  

A link to the developing story HERE

Welcome to the Circus, Here is Farrah Abraham's Fucking Face

Because she's all about social consciousness, Farrah Abraham shared pics of her plastic surgery gone awry yesterday, with the caption "Girlfriends don't say I didn't warn ya! #BOTCHED California #ER #fixit".  She then compared herself to Leela from Futurama.  

Huh-too bad birth control wan't as much of a priority for her as being a good sport about fucked up plastic surgery is.  Oh what am I saying-if it weren't for her teenage pregnancy, we wouldn't have that porn or her literary genius on record.  Seriously, she wrote fucking books and at least one sold.  Seriously.  This person.  Anyway-enjoy the bullshit. 

Michael Phelps's Intersex Ex Now Doing Hardcore Porn

 

Photo Cred: TMZ

You know, when I was a young whipper snapper dreaming of a career in law or interior decoration with my three closest pals in Atlanta and oh the hijinks we would get into...ahhh sweet Georgia memories...anywho, back to planet earth...I never thought I would be sitting in my tiny little cubicle surrounded by Joan from payroll's goddam Indian takeout containers and writing about this circus.  Anyway, that intersex person who apparently banged Michael Phelps is doing porn.  

I like what I've become.

So Brandi Glanville Lost Her Shit on WWHL

I highly urge you to watch the video above so you fine folks can see what a fucking trainwreck Brandi Glanville is.  If you are like most Americans, and don't know who the fuck Brandi Glanville is-she is the botoxed white wine zombie corpse that Eddie Cibrian left for that skeletor country singer.  ANYWHO...here she is freaking out and crying and being a buffoon of utter proportions in response to a harmless joke delivered by our favorite human of all time, Jeff Lewis.  Enjoy.

Cameron Diaz is Married



So Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are now a happily married couple, having tied the knot just moments ago in their Beverly Hills home.  So just think, kids...if Benji Madden can marry Cameron Diaz, you could tots ask that girl to prom or win that football game.  Naw I'm just fuckin' with ya...go back to Mario Kart. 

 

 

Kids still play that shit, right?  If not this post is going down in flames and I don't know what to do.  Time to crank call Coolio again...

Teresa Giudice Reports From One Big House to Another

Teresa Giudice left her sprawling New Jersey mansion to report to the Federal Correctional Institution in Danbury, Connecticut shortly before 3 A.M. Monday morning. Giudice is starting her 15 month sentence for bankruptcy fraud and conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud. Obviously Teresa and her husband Joe committed acts for which they deserve punishment, but it is just so sad when 4 young daughters' lives are affected. Let's hope for their sake an early release for good behavior, or at the very least for good hair!

R.I.P. Stuart Scott

 

This is a very sad day-Stuart Scott, longtime ESPN anchor, has died after a very brave battle with cancer at the young age of 49.  He had it all...charisma, a certain flair, and the best catchphrases that ever made it to the airwaves.  He was an all-around awesome guy and will be sorely missed.  Rest in peace, Stuart, and a final BOO-YAH in your memory.  BOO-YAH, brother.

UPDATE: Here is the video from Stuart's speech at the ESPY's.  This is probably the most touching thing on earth.  We will miss you, man.

 

 



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Doc Brown

 

Great Scott, he's hot!  P.S. weren't we supposed to have hoverboards this year?