Wait, What?

Okay, so there have been different reports about this, but Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise apparently "hooked up" in London and are now dating.  Now, Lindsay Lohan denies they are dating, but I am just furious that they think they can pull one over on us here.  There is no "hooking up" going on in Tom Cruise's life except for those damn e-reader thingies that measure Thetan levels or whatever  the fuck.  Now, I don't blame Tom Cruise for wanting to brainwash someone who, let's be honest-is a perfect candidate for joining the Xenu loving (or hating?) cult that has taken so many before her, but I will not stand by, dear sirs, and act like Tom Cruise put his penis anywhere near a vagina or whatever Lindsay Lohan has in place of her vagina.  I'm guessing Goya Fiesta Baked Beans.  That sounds right.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe

Let's be painfully awkward together!

Yeah, I Farted…

jealous?

Sorry J.Lo…

not even you can pull of a Sexy Gumby costume.

Sorry Adrian…

not even you can pull off a Sexy Gumby costume.

Bruce Jenner Likes His Nails Red and His Penis a Vagina

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Bruce Jenner-Olympic athlete, escapee of the dreaded Kris Jenner succubus and now, some kind of lady handed golf pro.  This is what happens when you get involved with the Kardashians folks. 

Look Who Kris Jenner Has Got Her Claws in Now

 

By claws in, I mean BANGING!!  SHE IS BANGING THIS YOUNG MAN SOMEONE CALL THE COPS.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Sky Corrigan from Superstar

I invented a new dance. It's called Sky's the Limit for Hotness!

Jesus Tap Dancing Christ...

Via TMZ:

Mama June is seeing someone new, but there's a big problem ... the guy just got out of prison after serving time for molesting one of June's relatives ... TMZ has learned.

The new guy is 53-year-old Mark McDaniel. He was convicted in 2004 for aggravated child molestation. Prosecutors say he molested an 8-year-old child -- forcing oral sex. June was dating McDaniel at the same time he molested the child.  

We will not identify the child but it's someone with whom June has contact.

Okay, so  Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has officially been cancelled.  I'm so glad it took dating a CONVICTED FUCKING CHILD RAPIST to cancel the parade of human garbage and diabetes that is Honey Boo Boo.  Here are some pictures of the scumbag via TMZ.  Enjoy:

Teresa Giudice is Serving her Time in "Orange is the New Black" Prison

 

 

Our favorite housewife, Teresa Giudice, will be serving her jail time in the Danbury, CT prison that was the inspiration for the book and hit Netflix series Orange is the New Black.  Now, I know my girl is going to be just fine, but I would recommend not having a concurrent story line with a boring fiancee and awful best friend, and to just focus on the happenings in the prison.  And more Sophia!  I can't get enough sass...Ah, I see I have confused reality with a show again.  This world is imploding.

Holy Shit, Renee Zellweger

World, Renee Zellweger's New Face, New Face, this is the World.

Oh Geez...

 

So Tori Spelling was hospitalized for "Ebola type symptoms" but does NOT have the virus.  Via UsMagazine:

 

Tori Spelling can't catch a break! The reality star was rushed to the Cedars Sinai Hospital on Saturday, Oct. 18, after having a severe cough attack, a source tells Us Weekly. 

Over the weekend, the True Tori star started coughing so intensely that she nearly passed out and had to be hospitalized. She was eventually admitted for severe bronchitis and possible pneumonia. Spelling, who was filming for her Lifetime reality show at the time, is still being treated at the hospital and is expected to stay through the week. At her side was husband Dean McDermott, with whom she recently reconciled following his talked-about affair.

Due to her illness, Spelling had to cancel a promotional appearance for upcoming season two of True Tori, which premieres on Tuesday, Oct. 21, on Lifetime at 9 p.m.

TMZ first reported that the Beverly Hills, 90210 alum was being quarantined like an Ebola patient, and upon arrival at the hospital, was initially kept from other patients while the medical staff took precautions treating her. The site confirms, however, that Spelling does not have the feared virus.

Oh brother...this is all Tori would need at this point.  A bucket of AIDS may as well have kicked her in the crotch.  Keep your head up True Tori.  Not you, Fake Tori.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Anna Sui

How Sweet is Sui!!

We Get It…

Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts really like bikes. They probably don't even have a place to go home to, they just pedal around all day and night. Their poor privates.

If He Wasn't Jude Law, He'd Be In the NBA

Ah, that loveable rascal. Jude Law has impregnated yet another EX. This will make five for the beguiling Brit--he has three children with ex-wife Sadie Frost, a daughter with ex-girlfriend Samantha Burke, and his most current baby-mama is ex-girlfriend Catherine Harding. Hmm, I'm beginning to wonder if a baby is just a parting gift.

Here's An Idea…

Instead of paying her ridonculous amounts of money for doing things she is not qualified to do (we're talking to you NBC) why doesn't someone cast Chelsea Clinton as Eleanor Roosevelt? Just putting it out there. I mean, she has plenty of experience "acting."

The Oscars are Going to be Extra Splashy this Year

Meet your 2015 host, peasants. 

Snoop Dogg is a Mean Girl

So Fetch you Guys...

All right honestly this is like the dumbest internet beef of all time, and it involved Iggy Azalea, Snoop Dogg, and T.I.  Basically one thing led to another which led to Snoop Dogg calling Iggy a cunt, which T.I. made him apologize for (I know, right?).  Anywho...here is a link to all the fun high school drama along with pictures and tweets and for God's sake are these people actually adults?  Yes they are, they are rich adults and I'm sitting here making minimum wage and stealing staplers for the sheer thrill of it all.  Enjoy: Dumbest Beef Ever 

R.I.P. Elizabeth Peña

Via Yahoo News:

Elizabeth Peña, who recently completed work on El Rey Network’sMatador, has died. Her film credits included Rush Hour, La Bamba, andThe Incredibles. She was 55.

Her nephew, Latino Review writer Mario-Francisco Robles, shared the news in an obituary on the site. He said Peña died Tuesday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. No cause of death was immediately available. 

In John Sayles’ Lone Star (1996), Peña was memorable as the history teacher who rekindles a teenage love affair with Sheriff Sam Deeds (Chris Cooper). She recently guest-starred in a pair of Modern Familyepisodes as the mother of Sofia Vergara’s character, Gloria. Peña broke into sitcom territory decades earlier, when she toplined I Married Dora for ABC. The series ran for one season from 1987-1988 and centered on a couple with a green card marriage. 

She was a great comedic actress and will be missed.  God Bless, Ms. Peña. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Leo Johnson

  

The drug-trafficking trucker with a heart of gold.

The Fuck is Going on Here?

 

All right so to be honest with you, I always just thought of Kesha as the nonsense nightmares of hipster clowns, and don't pay all that much attention to news regarding her.  Then I read that she's suing Dr. Luke, her former producer, for a mess of shit including sexual and verbal abuse.  Anywho...it seems that Dr. Luke is filing a counter-suit because he believes Kesha made all this shit up to get out of her contract.  Anyway, here's the scoop via TMZ:

 Kesha is a liar who is making up stories just so she can get out of her legally binding contract with Dr. Luke ... and she tried extorting him to boot ... this according to a new lawsuit.

Luke filed suit hours after Kesha filed her own lawsuit ... accusing him of sexual and physical assault over a period of years.

But in Luke's lawsuit ... he says the pack of lies is being engineered by Kesha's mother, Pebe, and Kesha's new management firm. Luke claims Kesha tried to extort him by threatening to spread lies about him to a blogger who started a "Free Kesha" website unless he released her from her recording contract.

And Luke says in his lawsuit he's had a copy of a draft of Kesha's new abuse lawsuit for months, and she was threatening to file it if he didn't release her. In other words, he's alleging more extortion.

Luke's lawyer, Christine Lepera, tells TMZ, Kesha's lawsuit about abuse is part of "a campaign of publishing outrageous and untrue statements," calling the allegations scurrilous.

Lepera says Kesha and her mom have already admitted the statements are false.

Kesha's attorney, Mark Geragos, tells TMZ, "This is just another pathetic and entirely predictable example of Dr. Luke’s continued abuse, and a misguided attempt to keep Kesha under his tyrannical control. This lawsuit has absolutely no basis in fact, the law or reality. Kesha is focused on reclaiming her voice and her freedom. She is determined to move on with her life and her career by putting this dark period behind her."

Huh-quite the soap opera. I don't know who is telling the truth here though, the "Dr." or the woman who claims she was fucked by a ghost.  Look it up, Kesha claimed that shit hardcore. 

How You Doin', Amber Rose?

 

Is it a good or a bad sign?  The young scientist wondered as he flipped through his scholarly journals.  We live in the era of ass selfies, but at what cost?  Fuck it, he thought, and on he gazed.

Zach Galifianakis No Longer Funny

As is stated in the Drew Carey Doctrine.  

Oh Really, Chelsea Handler? REALLY?

ugh...fart

Fame and regular whore Chelsea Handler claims that being friends with Jennifer Aniston is a "burden" because, and this is a quote: "Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Do you know what it's like to walk down a red carpet and [reporters] go 'When are Jen and Justin [Theroux] getting married?' like I'm in charge of that," 

Ugh...she's such a wet fart.  Chelsea Handler is that person who is just like "omG you guys!   Being friends with a famous person is so hard I mean like TOTALLY GAWLL!"  And I seriously hope Jennifer Aniston talks girl bathroom shit about her when she's not around because this bitch just reached a whole new lever of insufferable.  She's about as close to Jennifer Aniston's wedding as Angelina Jolie's pubic hair.  Also...where is she always going that people are asking her about the century's most boring wedding?  GAWL!

Amanda Bynes's Spaceship Should be Coming for her Soon

Goddamit where to begin...

Okay, so in the past 24 hours, Amanda Bynes has  lost her shit in an epic fashion.  It's almost too much to comprehend but here's what we got:

-She took to her Twitter to accuse her father of physical and sexual abuse, but then retracted the statements, saying she had a microchip in her head that MADE her say those things.  She then accused her father of having her microchipped in the first place.

-Tweeted this to the tabloids (in general) "help a nigga out and hop off ma dick"

-Tweeted "I need to tell the truth about my dad" 

-Stood in the middle of the road when at the airport, pretending to be on the phone and ranting about how she wished she had Britney Spears's dad.

-Was placed on involuntary psychiatric hold.

There's more, obviously, as there always is with Amanda Bynes.  I honestly don't know what kind of joke to make here because after watching the video on TMZ it just looks like she is so fucked up that it's too sad to even take a shot at this Gary Busey/Margot Kidder/Courtney Love Frankenstein.  Oh look-I did it.  

But seriously, this is a fucked up person who is in so much need of medical attention it's not even funny.  I really do hope she gets the help she needs because this video truly shows what a descent into madness looks like.  Enjoy: Video

UPDATE:  It looks like Sam Lufti has something to do with all this...for those of you who don't know (because everyone forgot) Sam Lufti is Britney Spears's ex-manager who was pretty much responsible for her breakdown.

UPDATE:  It looks like Sam Lufti helped Amanda Bynes's parents trick her into going to the mental hospital...which is good I guess?  I don't know.  Also, the man whom Amanda claimed to be betrothed to has come forward to say they are NOT getting married, were simply friends in rehab, and haven't spoken in months.  

Jan Hooks has Died at 57

This is devastating, via TMZ:

Jan Hooks, who worked alongside some of the biggest "Saturday Night Live" stars ... died Thursday ... TMZ has learned. She was 57.

We've learned she passed away this morning in New York City. Sources tell us Jan had been battling a serious illness.

Jan was part of the 'SNL' cast from 1986-91 ... the same time as Chris Farley, Mike Myers, Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey and Dennis Miller ... and was most famous for being half of the Sweeney Sisters ... and also for her impressions of Sinead O'Connor and Hillary Clinton.

She most recently played a part on "30 Rock."

Right after 'SNL', Jan joined the cast of "Designing Women." She also had a famous role in "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure." 

Jan had dated fellow SNL star Kevin Nealon ... before she was on SNL.

She was nominated for an Emmy in 1998 for a role on "3rd Rock from the Sun."

I loved Jan Hooks when she played Charlene's naive and adorable sister Carlene on Designing Women.  She made such an impression on SNL and I really can't believe she's gone.  Rest in Peace, Jan.  God Bless.

  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Daria's Aunt Amy

Just an older, hotter Daria. 

This is the Best Thing that Has Ever Happened

Gwyneth Paltrow is Weird

 

So apparently, the Gooper wants to start spending time with Chris Martin's current squeeze,  Jennifer Lawrence, under the pretense that they would "get along".  Now don't get me wrong, JLaw IS probably around Goop's kids, and I can respect that the mother wants to know the beard girlfriend of her ex-husband.  I totally can, but let's just be honest...any time a woman wants to "spend time" with another woman who is almost 20 years her junior and not as insufferable (though she is pretty damn close), well-trouble's afoot.  I'm betting JLaw meets with the business end of a sharpened carrot. 

I Can't Believe I didn't Post this Sooner

 

TWIN FUCKING PEAKS IS COMING BACK IN 2016 TO SHOWTIME.  Holy shit on sticks...you can't imagine my excitement.  8 or 9 episodes (I'm still unclear) and they will all have the Frost/Lynch magic that served us so well in the early 90's.  The series takes place in the present day, (or as present as you can get in Twin Peaks) and will undoubtedly be amazing.  I don't get out much...is that obvious in this post?

More Amanda Bynes News!

photos via TMZ:

  

What you're looking at here are the claw and bite marks of Miss Amanda Bynes on a fan's neck and arms because she "got too close" in a nightclub.  It should also be noted that Amanda Bynes spent a good deal of Tuesday morning "limping around Bloomingdale's Department Store with one shoe on and mumbling incoherently."  Here are some pics of that courtesy on TMZ...

 

So what we got here is a mumbling idiot who attacks people for no reason and seemingly has no idea where they are most of the time.  What we got here, folks, is the newest player for the Baltimore Ravens.  

My voice in my head editor literally just told me to go fuck myself.

 

These Two are Knocked Up

 

Don't act like you care.  I know you don't.

Ahhhhh...Yeah, Okay-Miley Cyrus' Homeless VMA Date Got Jail Time

 

Okay, so remember at the VMA's, Miley Cyrus brought a homeless guy because-I don't know, she wanted to look like she cared about something?  Well, it looks like the guy was also kinda a prick because he broke into someone's apartment in 2010...anyway here's the scoop via UsWeekly: 

Jesse Helt, Miley Cyrus' homeless date to the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards, was sentenced to jail on Tuesday, Oct. 7, after violating his probation.
The Associated Press reported that Helt, 22, was handcuffed in an Oregon court, after his attorney Whitney Boise — who was hired by Cyrus — asked the presiding judge to be lenient and give Helt one more opportunity to meet his probation. "In a few words, he wants to change his life," Boise said in court. "He wants to make a difference."
Long before he was Cyrus' date to the VMAs and became the face for homeless youth in America, Helt was arrested in 2010 for breaking into an apartment. In 2011, he violated his probation and moved to L.A., where he pursued a career as a model while working low-paying jobs. Helt met Cyrus when she visited a homeless youth shelter in L.A., where he was staying.

Helt found himself in the spotlight for the first time ever this past August, when Cyrus brought him as her date to the VMAs. Cyrus had him accept the award for Video of the Year on her behalf, and Jesse delivered a heartfelt speech, which moved viewers — including the "Wrecking Ball" songstress — to tears.

Okay, fair enough that he wants to turn his life around...but I can't forgive the male modeling.  I just can't.

Ick

There are certain actors, who you don't really think about on a daily basis, you know, the non-Jeff Goldblum types, but when you do see them in say, A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story, you think to yourself, "Gee, I really am a fan of this guy." That's how I felt about Stephen Collins, Reverend Camden on 7th Heaven, until today, when tapes from a 2012 therapy session were made public, in which Stephen confessed to molesting underage girls. Stephen divorced his wife Faye Grant, seen above, rather abruptly in 2012, but not before she secretly recorderd the sessions, and then handed the tapes over to authorities who asked for them in connection with a criminal investigation. Grant, however, denies having anything to do with the public release of the tapes. Hmm, not sure if I believe that. Hell hath no fury, right?

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Dr. Beverly Crusher from Star Trek:The Next Generation

Helllll-ooo Doctah! And she's Will Wheaton's mom! Well in the show, I mean. Hottttt either way! 

That's Right…

…I farted and it ripped my dress to shreds! Jealous?

Michael Phelps Will Be Entering Rehab, and From the Looks of It, Not Women Any Time Soon

Michael Phelps announced that he will enter a rehab facility following his September 30th DUI arrest, his second in 10 years. Phelps tweeted about his decision to enter rehab, saying he recognized his lapses in judgement, and although swimming is important, he needs to focus on not having lapses in judgement. Oh, and he's been suspended by the U.S. Swim team anyway, so it's either rehab, or hang out at Subway. 

Amanda Bynes "Engaged" to a "Human Male"

The saddest thing is that all of the reports start with "The troubled actress claims to be engaged."  I'm glad we're all on the same page.

ANYWHO...The troubled actress claims to be engaged to a 19 year old who works in a bait shop and is named Caleb.  I am writing this entirely as fiction because their is no way in fucking hell a working male who is not insane is getting tied down to this fucking thing.  But let's play along shall we?  Here is an eloquent quote from the Oscar Wilde of our time regarding her imaginary fiancee:

 "I am very needy for friendship and I hate men. I want to f--k them, but I can now say I’m engaged — get away from me... I want to be married and I want to be away from people."

So, so touching...I bet the Shutter Island she's on is having a fun time decorating the shock therapy room for the "wedding".

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Gael Monfils

It's how big?!!!!

Charlie Sheen Sued For Sexual Battery After Visit To Dentist. On the Bright Side, Charlie Sheen Went to the Dentist.

Winning! Ah, it never gets old. But actually, our old friend Charlie is quickly on his way to Andy Dicksville. He is being sued by a dental technician, who claims, during a procedure Charlie ripped his nitrus oxide mask off, grabbed her boob, and yelled, "I'm going to fucking kill you!" The technician claims that Sheen, then tried to pull her bra strap and scrubs down, and then lunged at one of the dentists with a knife. Not sure if it was a knife being used in the procedure or one Charlie brought from home. Either way, No bueno. But, in Charlie's defense, a dentist visit can do strange things to people. That being said, I'm sorry Rhonda, and please tell Dr. Andrews I am sorry to him as well, and see if he will consider taking me back as a patient. I don't even have that tooth anymore.

Editorial Section

 

Okay, I know this is an entertainment site, and we pride ourselves on giving you fine folks up to date(ish) entertainment news etc, but I need to say something before I have a fucking aneurysm.  I don't think I'm alone here, so here it goes...

WHEN I AM HAVING A CIGARETTE, I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME IT'S BAD FOR ME.  I AM AWARE OF THE DANGERS OF SMOKING AND I STILL CHOOSE TO SO FUCK OFF YOU DUMBASS DO-GOODER MORONS.   Phew, that's much better...seriously though-do people think they are helping with their bullshit "my husband is on oxygen because he smoked" stories?  How about fuck you?  How's that sound?   For fuck's sake, do they actually think that if they tell a smoker how bad it is, we are going to be like "Oh my GOD IT'S BAD FOR ME???  YOU DON'T SAY???  WHY, I MUST BE WORSE THAN HITLER!!"

I know I'm ranting...but seriously-you're a moron if you go up to someone who is trying to relax with a cigarette and make them feel like shit, and plus you're probably disturbing their break so fucking stop. 

Uh Huh, Yes, this Seems Right

 

If you can't tell, there is a band-aid on her face as well because why the hell not?

Anyway...if you though Amanda Bynes was just going to straighten up and fly right by going to some fashion school, you were dead wrong buster.  Here she is strolling through the Upper East Side just being Amanda.  Read: Run if you see her.

 

BREAKING: Joe Giudice Gets 41 Months in Prison

 

Okay, okay, I know they are both complete scumbags but I really do feel bad about this.  Here's hoping Teresa gets a more lenient sentence.  See?  I have a soul.  Wait...no wait that's a Skittle.  See?  I have a Skittle.

UPDATE: Looks like Teresa got 15 months, but the judge is letting them stagger their sentences so one of them will be home with the kids. 

Keeping Up With Statch

We're not really sure who has worst taste in mates in this one--Tyga and Chris Brown, or Kylie and Kendall Jenner respectively--but we do know that Tyga is 24 and Kylie is 17, so yeah, that's a little rapey. But Chris Brown has been known to hit a bitch, and I have a feeling Kendall Jenner is probably 

more annoying than Rihanna, soooo, I guess this one is a wash. You're all winners.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

He Hate Me from the XFL

You would too if he stole yo' boo

Justin Bieber Punched a Photographer in Paris; How Romantic

 

Ahh Paris memories...

After a dinner date with Kendall Jenner, Justin Bieber was apparently greeted by photographers outside the restaurant.  Like any sane human, he started throwing punches because how dare they interrupt his dinner with the spawn of hellfire?  They were talking about shoes people.  Shoes.  You don't just interrupt shit like that.