HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Duck Lips from Full House

I don't know.

Come On, Ladies...Get it Together

All right, so apparently, Orlando Bloom took a swing at Justin Bieber, but Miss Bieber, (being the MMA champ she is) ducked the punch (dammit) and then posted a picture of a crying Orlando Bloom on Instagram to mock him, ya know because they aren't grown men, but rather middle school girls who just got their period for the first time together.  That's how it works, right?  They all get their period together?  And also, a period is a dragon that comes from a woman's vagina once a week?  Anyway, while I read up on that, here is the rundown, via The Los Angeles Times:

Orlando Bloom may have just done something many people have been pining to do for a while: Throw a punch at Justin Bieber.  Seriously, rumor has it that people applauded after the fact.The "Pirates of the Caribbean" star, 37, reportedly tried to punch the embattled "Beauty and the Beat" singer, 20, early Wednesday while they were at the star-studded Cipriani restaurant on the Spanish island of Ibiza, according to TMZ.

"Orlando took one swing at Justin and missed," a source told People magazine. "They were separated and Justin stayed at Cipriani with friends for a while before leaving."It's unclear what instigated the scuffle -- sources told TMZ it might have been Bieber's history with Bloom's ex, supermodel Miranda Kerr -- but the British actor threw the punch, missed when Bieber ducked and his bodyguard took the hit, according to video of the incident.

8

The New York Post reported that Bieber and Bloom had been seated at different tables, but when Bieber & Co. walked by Bloom's table, the actor reportedly refused to shake the singer's hand. Then the YouTube sensation is believed to have said something rude that may have alluded to Kerr, though the Post's Bieber source said that comment was made after the altercation and another said that it was never made at all.

Bieber's rep declined to comment the matter while a rep for Bloom did not immediately respond to The Times' requests for comment.

Soon after the fight, Bieber took to Instagram to post a photo of a bikini-clad Kerr, which he promptly deleted, TMZ said.

Ew...girls do WHAT once a month?  Anyway, while I deal with that, let us all appreciate the fact that Miranda Kerr probably fucked Justin Bieber.  You're welcome.  

Just To Make You Smile

Leonardo Dicaprio may put his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us, but it sure looks like he has a hard time doing it.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Hillary Farr from Love It or List It

Love it! Love it! Love it!

Is Beyoncé Bey-ouncing From Her Marriage?

Whatever, whatever! I do what I want!

According to The New York Post, Beyoncé went apartment hunting in NYC without her hubby Jay-Z, leading sources to suspect she is looking for a private little hidie hole. How very King of Queens of her. Rumors have been swirling for months that there is trouble in Carter-dise, ever since the notorious video of Bey's sister Solange attacking Jay-Z in an elevator was released. This is just like Dreamgirls, well except for a lot of the details and plot points. Life imitating art, people.

Oh Geez

Mama-to-be Scarlett Johannson debuted a sensible but chic new do in NYC this week. Her fiancé, French journalist Romain Douriac looks neither sensible nor chic, but since he is French we will give him a pass. He's carrying a purse, you see that right? Damn, I wish his fly was open, that would be the only thing to make his ensemble look masculine.

We're Not Surprised Kim Kardashian Made Out With Her Brother, We're Just Surprised it Was Her Step-Brother

Apparently, in a time after Bruce and Kris Jenner tied the knot and united their broods, Kim Kardashian and Brandon Jenner shared a moment. This seems completely normal, compared to the sometimes way-too-close antics put on display between the sisters and their blood brother Rob. We know, we know, the Gypsy blood looses its power when diluted with the blood of an outsider, but still, there must be a second cousin or something you could flirt with.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Stu Pickles from Rugrats

They don't call him pickles for nuthin'

Ugh, Here We Go...

 

Because every awful book needs an awful movie, as long as it makes mommy a little less stressed and a little more S&M-y, here is the official trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey.  It's good to know that in a world of bullshit, Twilight fan fiction still has a place in people's hearts...wait a minute...shit.

Uhhmm...

 

Okay, so I don't know who Steven Bauer is, except for the fact that he is a 57 year old actor and is dating the 18 year old on the left, a la Courtney Stodden and that shaved puppet, (not her vagina, you guys-gross) anywhoooo...enjoy the funny uncle creepiness before Entertainment Tonight tries to make it sound "wrong".

Paul and Linda Hogan's Marriage is Officially Dun-dee

After leaving his wife and mother of his FIVE children in 1986 for Linda, his co-star in Crocodile Dundee, Paul Hogan is once again officially divorced. Ladies, please control yourselves, the line starts over there! Linda filed papers in October, but the divorce was just finalized, with Linda getting 5.775 million and Paul retaining the rights to Crocodile Dundee. The two have one child together, a fifteen-year-old son of whom they will share custody. We can't wait for Paul to get re-married, and then get  Linda and his new wife together at some point, and Paul can point to Linda and say "That's not a wife," and then point to his new lady and say, "This is a wife." Ahh, classic!

Lana Del Ray Lived the American Dream of Fucking Lots of Music Industry Dudes

 

So apparently, Lana Del Ray told Complex Magazine that not only did she sleep with a bunch of industry dudes but none of them gave her a record deal.  The AUDACITY!  Via UsWeekly:

 

Young and Beautiful and totally honest! Lana Del Rey opened up to Complex magazine in its August/September 2014 issue, and said that sleeping her way to the top did not work for her.
While addressing her track, "F---ed My Way Up to the Top," Del Rey, 29, said that unlike the self-explanatory title, her reality was a different scenario. "It's commentary, like, 'I know what you think of me,' and I'm alluding to that," the Ultraviolence singer mused. "You know, I have slept with a lot of guys in the industry, but none of them helped me get my record deals. Which is annoying."

I agree with Lana Del Ray-it is annoying when you sleep with someone and they don't help you out with your career.  I slept with Cookie Monster for the promise of a guest spot on Sesame Street and all I got was Herpes and or a broken heart.  It was the hand up his ass that broke the deal for me.  Dumb blue bastard.

The Hot Chick from Glee Married This Guy

 

As someone who doesn't watch Glee, I'm not really sure what else to say about this.  Boobtitsky.  That is all.

Here is the Proof that Beyonce and Jay-Z aren't Getting a Divorce

 

Because for some Jay-Z and Beyonce think the world will crumble if news of their divorce reaches the serfs, they have taken to Instagram to post pictures of themselves in various poses of marital boredom.  This one I call, "J. Crew  Fun, Take it Mortals, and Know Your Royalty Shalln't Betray your Humble Trust".  Also Known as "Fart Sniffing."

You May Not Mention Drew Barrymore to Cameron Diaz. NO YOU MAY NOT!

Because when you're a celebrity, you need to always have a big fluffy chip on your shoulder and get all pissy about bullshit, this happened: via UsWeekly:

In defense of Drew! Cameron Diaz cut an interview short on KIIS 106.5's Kyle & Jackie O show, after one of the Australian radio program's hosts, Kyle Sandilands, made a snarky comment about her best friend Drew Barrymore's troubled tween and teen years.

Diaz, 41, along with her Sex Tape costar Jason Segel, called into the show on Monday, July 21, when Jackie O mentioned that their daughter in the movie, Giselle Eisenberg, reminded her "a little bit" of Barrymore's character in E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

"Aw, yeah!" Diaz remarked of her Charlie's Angel costar, 39. "She does, now that you mention it. And she's as bright and lively as Drew is, as well. She's a sweet little girl."

Sandilands quipped, "Let's hope she misses out on the Drew Barrymore drug years, because those were a great thing to watch, but not so good to be in, I'd imagine." While the first half of the interview was sprinkled with laughter from Diaz, the bubbly blonde remained silent after Kyle's comment. (Barrymore famously struggled with substance abuse when she was very young, entering rehab twice at age 14.)

To break it up, Jackie O added: "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Still stuck on Sandilands' jab at Barrymore's drug phase, Diaz remarked: "I'm sure, Kyle, you've never been through a drug phase, have you? Or alcoholism or anything like that? Pretty clean… always did it right? Congratulations.”

I like how Cameron Diaz basically talks about Drew Barrymore being coked up at age 9 or whatever like she just went through a bad goth phase in high school.  

"Oh look, little Drew is at it again-always putting shit up her nose.  You silly butt, get down from that tree!  Ha Ha, oh mercy."

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Lunch Lady

Sloppy joe, slop sloppy joe of HOT!

Is Shia LaBeouf Designing Clothes Now?

Because it sure as shit looks like Jared Leto is wearing the Spring Collection! Why Jared? Why dress like Jesus Christ Superstar meets The Wizard of Oz? Listen, we're all in to personal expression, but you are too pretty to do this to yourself! Now, these are words I don't like to say to men, but…I think you need a stylist.

Just To Make You Smile!

Oooh Child!

Farrah Franklin, one of the dozens of ex Destiny's Child members, hit the town hard on Saturday night, and ended up paying dearly for it. Franklin was arrested for disorderly conduct after a night out in Myrtle Beach, SC with two NFL players, who had to call the police on her after she exhibited bizarre behavior. One of the players, Da'Quan Bowers, told police he thought she might be involved with drugs because she disappeared to the bathroom for extended periods of time. When police arrived, they found Franklin lying down on a neighbor's yard, claiming she wanted to sleep in the woods. The police described her as highly intoxicated, but Franklin denied using any drugs. You know, Destiny's Child might not have been a good fit for you Farrah, but have you considered reaching out to Solange? Maybe you can start a duo…Problem Child. Bah-dum-bum. You're Welcome!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Jeff Lewis

Need we say more?

R.I.P. James Garner

Via Variety:

Amiable film and television actor James Garner, who starred in popular television series, “Maverick” and “The Rockford Files,” died Saturday at his home in the Brentwood neighborhood of Los Angeles. He was 86.

Like many popular leading men of Hollywood’s heyday, Garner boasted all-American good looks and a winning personality that carried him through comedy and drama alike. Garner won two Emmys and racked up a total of 15 nominations. He had his greatest impact in television, first on “Maverick” in the ’50s and then in the ’70s on “The Rockford Files,” for which he won an Emmy in 1977. He later appeared in several quality telepics including “Promise,” “My Name Is Bill W.” and “Barbarians at the Gate,” as well as the occasional strong feature such as “Victor/Victoria” and “Murphy’s Romance,” for which he captured his sole Oscar nomination for lead actor.

Not only a handsome face, but also funny, down to earth, and kind.  You will be missed, Maverick.  God Bless.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Twins from the Parent Trap

 

Just because it's summertime and this is the best summertime example of parental neglect.

Here Are Courtney Stodden's Boobs and New Face in Lettuce

 

We haven't done a Courtney Stodden post in a while, and well, we just can't have that, so here she is in all her forty-something glory being a salad or some shit for PETA.  The funny thing is, I've never seen people less interested in walking tit-lettuce.  You know the guy in the back would jizz over a naked wonder woman doll but he knows whats up here and is like "NooOoo Thank you ma'am.  I can put my OWN penis on salad, thank you very much."

R.I.P. Elaine Stritch

 

The world got a little less funny today, via The New York Daily News:

Feisty, fearless and relentlessly frank, Elaine Stritch had a storied career that spanned seven decades on stage, film and television.
She died at age 89 on Thursday, leaving a showbiz legacy and a flair for outspokenness that none could match.
Known as Stritchie to intimates like Noel Coward who wrote the 1961 musical "Sail Away" for her, she famously enjoyed flirtations with Ben Gazzara, Marlon Brando and Frank Sinatra. She came close to having a one-night stand with John F. Kennedy.
She won three Emmys and was nominated for four Tonys.

She was truly the funniest broad there was.  Her personality, laugh, and general aura were one in a million qualities, and she will be missed.  God Bless.

Chrissy Teigan's Tits Were at the ESPYS for Some Reason

 

Here they are in all their pant-suited glory.  She can be the next great women's basketball coach and or president.  Right?  Cuz presidents wear pants thus she can be president, as is my understanding.

JWoww Gave Birth. That JWoww Right There

Mazel to JWoww and Roger Whatshisface, and a special mazel to the brave baby that had to traverse through a vagina filled with more whisky bottles and DNA than the backseat of a Trans Am at Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute concert.  

It's called journalism, folks.  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Angry Lesbian from Legally Blonde

 

Sexy and angry...Harvard hottie.

Blake Lively Launching Lifestyle Website; Rich White Women Rejoice

 

Because if there is one more thing we need, it's another blonde member of the nobility telling us lowly serfs what kind of vegan centerpiece to make for the country club dinner.  Thank you, internet.

Come on, America

 

Just...come the fuck on. 

Good Old Charlie Sheen is Back to Doing What he Does Best...Drunk

 

So according to TMZ, Chuckles Sheen is still our good old fashioned mind numbingly fucked up self and we LOVE IT!  via TMZ:

 Charlie Sheen videos don't get any more REAL than this -- it's Charlie totally blitzed in the middle of a late night Taco Bell run ... and he looks and sounds EXACTLY the way you'd think.

The clip starts with a totally disheveled Charlie stumbling over to a car at the drive-thru -- looks like the driver called him over -- and the Ma-Sheen quickly unloads this awesome line ... "Sorry, I'm so f****** hammered."

Honesty really is best.

Unclear exactly where and when this went down ... the clip was posted sometime on Tuesday, but it doesn't really matter.

Watch ... the Warlock rips open his shirt, shows off his tatts, and even attempts a little couples counseling.

Don't worry, doesn't look like Charlie was driving. You can see his typically chauffeur-driven Benz in the background.

Here is the video, so enjoy it and maybe a Charlie Sheen will show up to your car one day too, Virginia.

Oh No, Bethenny Frankel

Above is Bethenny Frankel's weird attempt at getting attention via her Instagram account.  She captioned the photo: "This is my daughter's nightgown and PJ shorts, think we're ready to share clothes yet?"   Now, I don't know women very well, (according to my grandma) but I do know when someone is screeching for help-and this has to be it.  Let's look at it totally objectively: This is a forty-something year old woman who is going through her four year old daughter's laundry bin and putting on her clothes.  The only thing separating this woman from the watchdog list is the fact that this is her daughter's outfit...which does in fact put her on the crazy list.  Sidenote: no man is gonna want to bang the lady wearing clothes meant for a four year old...unless it's this four year old:

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Slim Goodbody

 

Elementary school was never hotter.

R.I.P. Tommy Ramone

 

Via UsWeekly:

Tommy Ramone, an original member of The Ramones, has died at the age of 65. The musician passed away Friday at his home in the Ridgewood area of Queens, New York and had been in hospice care following treatment for bile duct cancer, according to Variety.

"We are saddened to announce the passing of Tommy Ramone (nee Erdelyi), the original drummer for the Ramones, earlier today, 11 July 2014," the band said in a statement on their Facebook page.
The official site also posted a quote of Ramone's from 1978. "It wasn't just music in The Ramones: it was an idea. It was bringing back a whole feel that was missing in rock music – it was a whole push outwards to say something new and different," he once said. "Originally it was just an artistic type of thing; finally I felt it was something that was good enough for everybody."

So sad!  We love the Ramones-God Bless, Tommy.

French Montana is into Butts

 

Didn't know if you could tell, but he loves butts and here's Khloe Kardahsian's butt and butt butt butt he's tots not gay cuz here's the butt of a girl he's butting. 

Harry Potter Actor Dave Legeno Found Dead in Death Valley

 

Via TMZ:

One of the villains from the "Harry Potter" movies -- British actor Dave Legeno -- died while hiking in Death Valley ... TMZ has learned.

Legeno's body was found by a pair of hikers on Sunday in an area so remote ... a CHP helicopter had to be called in to remove it.

50-year-old Legeno played the werewolf Fenrir Greyback in the 'Potter' movies. He was also in "Snatch."

 The Inyo County Sheriff's Department (in CA) tells TMZ it appears Legeno died of heat related issues ... and may have been dead for 3-4 days before his body was discovered. Summer temps in Death Valley are known to go over 120 degrees.

We're told the coroner still has Legeno's body while his family makes plans.

He has a daughter in her 20s.

He was also an MMA fighter in the UK.  This is really sad, particularly since he was so young and had a daughter.  Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Marcia Brady from A Very Brady Sequel

Breaking step-brothers' hearts for generations

These Two Are Getting Divorced…Again

It was a match made in sex tape heaven. Pamela Anderson, of course, a pioneer for celebrity sex tapes after her romp with then husband Tommy Lee was made public, and Rick Salomon, the man who spent One Night in Paris. But alas, it was not meant to be, Pamela filed for divorce this past week. She announced in January that they had married again, after getting their first union annulled after just two months in 2007. If these two crazy kids can't make it, then what hope is there the rest of us! Sonofabitch!

There is Leaked Audio of Britney Spears Without Autotune

 

In all fairness, this is hardly newsworthy, but nothing else on this site is either so take off your judge's robe.  It's pretty hard to track down the audio file now, but I heard it last night and actually didn't think it sounded so bad, considering it's Britney Spears and let's be honest, her without auto-tune should sound like Kermit getting gang-banged.  Anywho-download Aliens because why the hell not?

Holy Shit Selena Gomez

 

If you direct your eye above the sweat marks you will see Selena Gomez just got some spankin' new tits.  Sidenote: her sweat is forming the face of a disenchanted French woman. 

Here are Your 2014 Emmy Noms. Nom Nom Nom I'm High as FUCK

FYI-They're on August 25th and hosted by Seth Meyers.  And if Downton Abbey doesn't win fucking everything I will freak the hell out.  DOWNTON STYLE.
Drama Series Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
House of Cards
Mad Men
True Detective
Comedy Series The Big Bang Theory
Louie
Modern Family
Orange Is the New Black
Silicon Valley
Veep
Lead Actor in a Drama Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Woody Harrelson, True Detective
Matthew McConaughey, True Detective
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge
Martin Freeman, Fargo
Billy Bob Thornton, Fargo
Idris Elba, Luther
Mark Ruffalo, The Normal Heart
Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock: His Last Vow
Lead Actress in a Drama Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Claire Danes, Homeland
Robin Wright, House of Cards
Lizzy Caplan, Masters of Sex
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor
Minnie Driver, Return to Zero
Kristen Wiig, The Spoils of Babylon
Cicely Tyson, The Trip to Bountiful
Lead Actor in a Comedy Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Ricky Gervais, Derek
Matt LeBlanc,, Episodes
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Louis C.K., Louie
William H. Macy, Shameless
Lead Actress in a Comedy Lena Dunham, Girls
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Taylor Schilling, Orange Is the New Black
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Reality Competition Program The Amazing Race
Dancing With the Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
The Voice
Variety Series The Colbert Report
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Miniseries American Horror Story: Coven
Bonnie & Clyde
Fargo
Luther
Treme
The White Queen
Television Movie Killing Kennedy
Muhammad Ali's Greatest Fight
The Normal Heart
Sherlock: His Las Vow
The Trip to Bountiful
Supporting Actor in a Drama Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan
Supporting Actress in a Drama Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Joanne Froggatt, Downton Abbey
Lena Headey, Game of Thrones
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Guest Actor in a Drama Paul Giamatti, Downton Abbey
Dylan Baker, The Good Wife
Reg E. Cathey, House of Cards
Robert Morse, Mad Men
Beau Bridges, Masters of Sex
Joe Morton, Scandal
Guest Actress in a Drama Margo Martindale, The Americans
Diana Rigg, Game of Thrones
Kate Mara, House of Cards
Allison Janney, Masters of Sex
Jane Fonda, The Newsroom
Kate Burton, Scandal
Writing for a Drama Moira Walley-Beckett, Breaking Bad
Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad
David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, Game of Thrones
Beau Willimon, House of Cards
Nic Pizzolatto, True Detective
Directing for a Drama Tim Van Patten, Boardwalk Empire
Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad
David Evans, Downton Abbey
Neil Marshall, Game of Thrones
Carl Franklin, House of Cards
Cary Joji Fukunaga, True Detective
Supporting Actor in a Comedy Andre Braugher, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Fred Armisen, Portlandia
Tony Hale, Veep
Supporting Actress in a Comedy Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Allison Janney, Mom
Kate Mulgrew, Orange Is the New Black
Kate McKinnon, Saturday Night Live
Anna Chlumsky, Veep
Guest Actor in a Comedy Bob Newhart, The Big Bang Theory
Nathan Lane, Modern Family
Steve Buscemi, Portlandia
Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live
Louis C.K., Saturday Night Live
Gary Cole, Veep
Guest Actress in a Comedy Natasha Lyonne, Orange Is the New Black
Uzo Aduba, Orange Is the New Black
Laverne Cox, Orange Is the New Black
Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live
Joan Cusack, Shameless
Writing for a Comedy David Crane and Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes
Louis C.K., Louie
Liz Friedman and Jenji Kohan, Orange Is the New Black
Alec Berg, Silicon Valley
Simon Blackwell, Tony Roche, and Armando Iannucci, Veep
Directing for a Comedy Iain B. MacDonald, Episodes
Paris Barclay, Glee
Louis C.K., Louie
Gail Mancuso, Modern Family
Jodie Foster, Orange Is the New Black
Mike Judge, Silicon Valley
Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie Colin Hanks, Fargo
Jim Parsons, The Normal Heart
Joe Mantello, The Normal Heart
Alfred Molina, The Normal Heart
Matt Bomer, The Normal Heart
Martin Freeman, Sherlock: His Last Vow
Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie Frances Conroy, American Horror Story: Coven
Kathy Bates, American Horror Story: Coven
Angela Bassett, American Horror Story: Coven
Allison Tolman, Fargo
Ellen Burstyn, Flowers in the Attic
Julia Roberts, The Normal Heart

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mrs. Brody 

Brody-licious.  Wouldn't mind being stuck in a boat with her.  Also would have accepted: "We're gonna need bigger pants."

These Two are Having a Baby

Because this week it's my mission to destroy all women's fantasies about the men that are on those "celebrities I can sleep" with lists, I am breaking the news to you broads that Ryan Gosling has knocked up Eva Mendes.  Take that, internet.  

Just remember ladies, Andy Dick will always be there to dry your tears and use them as lube.

These Two are Banging

My editor, Mr. PreciousPurrfect just informed me that the two that are in fact banging are Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, which destroys most of my jokes.  ANYWHOoOoOo...

Eh, These Two Got Married…As You Were

Jessica Simpson wore a custom Carolina Herrera gown when she wed Eric Johnson in a lavish ceremony Saturday in Montecito, CA in front of more than 250 guests. A lavish ceremony with more than 250 guests?  A custom gown? Eric Johnson?--he's practically a commoner, how long can one wear the badge of ex-NFL player? Plus, among those 250 guests, their two children. Listen, I'm not being judgy (well I guess I am) but doesn't that seem like a little much for a second wedding? Johnson's been married before and we all know Simpson's story. Perhaps that's why I'm so jaded about this spectacle. Had I not invested so many hours in Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica only to have it blow up in my face, then maybe I wouldn't have written this as my Maid of Honor toast. Congrats you two! Salut!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!

 

While I personally will be celebrating by watching every episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey on Hulu alone in my hidey-hole, drinking and smoking the pain away, I wish all of you the very happiest of fourths.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Uncle Jesse from The Dukes of Hazzard

He's weird…and that is HOT!

Hey Working Mothers...Kim Kardashian Has Some Advice for Ya!

Because who else to take advice from than someone who is literally NEVER around their kid, and also-does not have a career.  Via ABC News:

Kim Kardashian credits motherhood with changing her view on life.

However, it also altered the way she looks at her career.

"It is an adjustment trying to balance a career and motherhood for sure, but the key is to prioritize. You become more selective and work on projects that are so meaningful because you want every other waking moment spent with your family," the reality TV star told Julia Restoin Roitfeld for her blog, Romy and the Bunnies. "You have to remember though to make time for yourself. If you feel good, you will be happy in your career and family life and everyone is happy!"

Oh I see...by "selecting meaningful projects" she means only starring on some of her awful family's reality shows...Kim and Khloe Invade Poland or some shit. I'm sorry, but Kim Kardashian giving mothering advice is like Honey Boo Boo's mom giving fitness tips...or teaching math...or speaking correct English. And by "career" she simply means the fiberglass empire E! has built surrounding a novelty family whose only claim to fame was a sex tape and a patriarch peripherally involved in the O.J. Simpson trial.  So come on, ladies...if you working mothers don't picket the E! building for unleashing this completely delusional gypsy onto the world, then Gloria Steinhem grew a penis in vain.  

Ed. Note: It's been brought to my attention that I know nothing about Gloria Steinhem or the women's movement.  Nevertheless, put on your prettiest dress, some lipstick and get out there you crazy broads.

Kat Williams Pulled a Gun on Someone

 

Everyone's favorite miniature, Kat Williams is apparently not a fan of hecklers.  He drew a gun on one in a West Hollywood comedy club.  Via TMZ:

 Katt Williams drew a gun on someone at the Comedy Store in West Hollywood Tuesday night ... triggering a 911 emergency that ended with deputies racing to the scene with guns drawn.

Eyewitnesses tell TMZ ... Katt was inside the club when a heckler started talking smack about the comedian's height and race.  We're told Katt was not on stage ... he was milling around.   An eyewitness says he went crazy, threatening the heckler with a gun.  At that point someone called 911 -- reporting a man with a gun at the Comedy Store -- and 6 cop cars raced to the Sunset Strip.   Deputies pointed shot guns and bean bag guns at the club as they prepared for a confrontation.  Turns out ... Katt had already left. So far no arrest warrant for Katt.  Cops tell us they're still investigating.

 My favorite part is the fact that he was just "milling around" the comedy club, and still managed to get heckled.  Tis the sign of a true tiny warrior, when thou can be eye level with a table and stillith be the butteth of thy jokes. 

Shia LaBeouf is Seeking Treatment for Drinking Problem

Honestly, I'm getting sick of posting his stupid face, so here's Jerri Blank to illustrate the point that after being a boozer, a user, and a two time loser, you too can go back to high school at age 46.

R.I.P. Paul Mazursky

Very sad...via The Chicago Tribune:

Paul Mazursky, the Oscar-nominated writer-director who excelled at mining the urban middle class for laughs as well as tears in such movies as "Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice," "Blume in Love," "An Unmarried Woman" and "Down and Out in Beverly Hills," has died. He was 84.

Mazursky died of pulmonary cardiac arrest Monday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, according to family spokeswoman Nancy Willen.

A gentle satirist of contemporary society, Mazursky at his best chronicled the social trends of the late 1960s and the '70s, including its touchy-feely self-improvement fads, shifting rules for love and sex, drug experimentation and other excesses.

A true legend...rest in peace, and God Bless.