HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Sloth

 

 

HEY YOU GUYS!  Hot.

This Idiot Wrote a Book; Plans on Learning to Read Soon

I'm not even going to get into how awful it is that intelligent people can't even get published, yet the mentally challenged puppets of Andy Cohen can get a book deal like THAT *tries to snaps fingers with Judy from HR's pen in hand, loses Judy from HR's pen-she is gonna be PISSED*  but that's the world we live in, so enjoy the train ride to hell...ANYWAY-apparently Real Housewife of New Jersey, Melissa Gorga (retard number one, holding what she is told is a book, pictured above) is reportedly in a tizzy after the reviews of her book were not fabulicious.  I was just handed a bulletin that 'fabulicious' is a term coined by one of the other dead-eyed shells of a person on the Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Will I ever learn?  Via UsWeekly:

Last week, Jezebel roundly slammed the the memoir/advice book in a post entitled "Real Housewife Melissa Gorga's New Book Advocates Marital Rape." Argued the blog: "The amount of sexism, gender essentialism, and caveman logic within its pages is so appalling that it's difficult to believe that her book is anything but a cry for help."

"I was upset that a website accused me and Joe of horrible, disgusting things," Melissa wrote Monday, Sept. 30 on her BravoTV.com blog. "But now I see it as an opportunity to further explain my philosophy about marriage."
Of a passage in which she tells her readers that "Husbands want their wives to submit; wives want our husbands to dominate," the "On Display" singer explained of sex with Joe: "Fans of Fifty Shades of Grey can attest that there's a difference between racy and 'rapey.' When Joe and I talk about dominance and submission, it's racy. It's about a man being a man, a woman being a woman, a man taking charge and a woman letting it happen -- consensually! There are times I play hard to get, and Joe knows those signals. But when I am not in the mood, Joe doesn't force me to do ANYTHING."

 

I would just like to hear what a "conversation about dominance and submission" sounds like: 

 

WIFE: Oh, darling, while the children are on holiday for the week, I would just love it if you would whip me with a hose.

HUSBAND: Why that would be quite sporting dear, would you prefer rubber or shall I ask gardener for another type?

WIFE: Whatever you can find dear, but do treat me like a serf.  You know that's how I get me jollies.

HUSBAND: Very good, beloved.  I shall be back in gimp garb within the hour.

WIFE: I love you Reginald.

HUSBAND: And I, you, Betsy.  Safety word is Grey Poupon.

 



Yeezy Still Crazy

If you thought fatherhood was going to mellow Kanye West and prevent him from engaging in pointless, irrational, dementedly one-sided arguments, well you are wrong! West's latest hapless victim is none other than Jimmy Kimmel, who did a skit on his late night show where he had kids acting out Kanye West's recent interview on BBC Radio 1. Cute bit right? Wrong! Kanye responded in the new language he learned from the Kardashians, Twitter.  Jimmy Kimmel is out of line to try and spoof in any way the first piece of honest media in years.  Then things got personal. Jimmy Kimmel, I don't take it as a joke . . . You don't have scum bags hopping over fences trying to take pictures of your daughter. Because you know to Kimye, that is the mark of really making it, having scumbags hopping over fences to take your picture. Just so we're clear though Kanye, this is Jimmy Kimmel you are picking a fight with, even though they look alike, it's not Kim's brother Rob.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY

Pennywise

Sexy as Hell.

Oh Boy-Lamar Odom Is On Crack and Partying Hardy Marty

According to TMZ, Lamar Odom is bunkering it up Hitler style 100 miles away from L.A.-reportedly smoking crack and holing up with two women, or four midgets in two trench coats-you decide:

"Multiple sources privy to Lamar's current state tell TMZ ... Lamar has a driver who is regularly shuttling back and forth from L.A. to his rental home with one purpose -- scoring drugs, including crack.  

We're told Lamar is so paranoid ... he insists the driver only buy small quantities of crack at a time, so as not to draw too much attention to him -- and that means frequent trips to score the drug.

Lamar almost never leaves the home.  He's smoking crack and partying with the 2 women, both in their early 20s. His life now revolves around smoking crack and listening to rap music.

Our sources say Lamar is extremely paranoid about getting caught.  He believes people -- not the 2 girls -- are watching him so he's using a phone app that allows him to text people but the texts are automatically deleted once the texts are read.  The app also notifies Lamar if they try and screenshot the message.

Lamar's best friend is also staying at the house.

We're told Lamar has been living in 3 different residences in the last 2 months -- partly because he feels if he stays on the move he won't get caught."

Jeez-he's like Walter White-if Walter White married Chewbacca and put up with Chewbacca's evil slagathor gypsy mother until it drove him to crack addiction.  The end, go to bed, children.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Norm from This Old House

The handiest man around

Aww C'mon Guys! Can't We Make This Work?

Cathernine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas have decided to talk things out to try to save their marriage, is it too much to ask that this middle-to-old aged couple above do the same?  Richard Gere and Carey Lowell (Our favorite female asst D.A. on Law & Order by the way) have split up after 11 years of marriage and about 18 years of being a couple. Apparently Gere's Buddhist lifestyle of solitude and Lowell's desire to be more social don't mesh well and the two have been leading relatively separate lives. Listen, you guys aren't gonna find anyone better. Richard might date some hippie Buddhist girl half his age, probably younger actually who will encourage him to do more socially conscious movies (Say bye bye to Shall We Dance Gere), and Carey, well you'll probably have a bunch of one night stands with 20-something playboys and eventually end up with VD. Now, What kind of life does that sound like?

Some Things Are Permanent, Like Stephen Baldwin Being Crazy, and Miley Cyrus Being Gross

In her most offensive gesture yet, Miley Cyrus exposed her stinky feet because she had "Rolling $tone tattooed on the soles for her interview with the magazine. As for the cover, I remember striking that same pose in the pool in high school gym, but all it got me was prompt placement in special education classes.  Miley reveals in the article that Stephen Baldwin is such a Hannah Montana fan that he actually got the initials HM tattooed on his shoulder. Now that's badass!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Kit from Pretty Woman

Now, she's worth it!

Commercials and Circle-Jerking Were On Last Night With Some Awards Thrown In

Breaking Bad won Best Drama, and Tina Fey's nip popped out is all you need to know.  Carry on.

Jon Gosselin Was Allowed a Gun; Threatened a Photographer With It

IMAGE VIA TMZ.COM

This is probably the most unsettling thing you will see all day.

Because we live in a country where any psycho can obtain a weapon, Jon Gosselin pulled a gun on a photographer (who is still photographing this dick lick?)  and proceeded to shoot a warning shot before tailing her as she drove away. 

Fantastic...so he's armed now.  Get into the shelter everyone.  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Garth Algar from Wayne's World

We'd love to party on with this excellent hottie!

Androgyny: A Love Story

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel remind us of a ventriloquist and his dummy. Not sure who would be who, but I guess Jessica would make a good dummy since I honestly do not think I have heard her speak a word since the two were married.

Yesssssss!!

A Saved By the Bell reunion of epic proportions. Our favorite macho pig and his mama reunited when Elizabeth Berkley dropped by the set of Extra promoting her stint on Dancing With the Stars. Wonder if DWTS will do the Sprain this season.

What's Up With Zac?

It's hard to believe our precious Zac Efron has been battling a monster cocaine addiction, but apparently the hunky star had to go to rehab twice this year. Zac took it upon himself to go to rehab for his addiction to cocaine and Molly, the pure form of ecstasy, in March, but then relapsed in April while shooting the Seth Rogen movie Neighbors. After the shoot ended, Zac received outpatient care. Apparently Zac has all kind of issues leading to his drug use, including drama with his family, girl troubles and career streess. We sincerely hope Zac beats his addiction every day, he is a bright light in Hollyweird that never fails to bring a smile to your face!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof

He couldn't get any hotter, even if he was a rich man!

Oh Dear!

                                                                        courtesy of TMZ

Just because you're famous, doesn't mean you don't have family drama, actually seems like these days, chances are you'll have more family drama. This little looker above is Justin Timberlake's Aunt Jane Harless, well, step-aunt technically. She is the sister of Paul Harless, who has been married to JT's mom Lynn since he was 5. Apparently Jane has been forging checks, stealing more than $64,000 from Paul and Lynn. She was arrested in Tennessee, and above is her mugshot, which appears to have been taken in night school. If I was forging checks to myself from JT's parents, I would have made it out for way more than $64,000, just sayin'.

People Should Probably Stop Letting Their Kids Have Stupid Fucking Opinions

Because apparently the fresh prince of pretentious hasn't learned that smacking your stupid teenager will get them to stop being a damn fool, Jaden Smith (Will Smith's kid who walks around dressed as superheros, ya know-cuz he's not a fucking retard) went on the Twitter machine to speak out against America's greatest enemy: going to school.  Via UsWeekly:

"People Use To Ask Me What Do You Wanna Be When You Get Older And I Would Say What A Stupid Question The Real Question Is What Am I Right Now," the Karate Kid star began. He continued: "All The Rules In This World Were Made By Someone No Smarter Than You. So Make Your Own."

"School Is The Tool To Brainwash The Youth," he added. "Education Is Rebellion. If Newborn Babies Could Speak They Would Be The Most Intelligent Beings On Planet Earth."

Finally, Smith -- a close pal of Justin Bieber -- declared: If Everybody In The World Dropped Out Of School We Would Have A Much More Intelligent Society . . . Everybody Get Off Your Phones And Go Do What You Actually Wanna Do."

Yes, yes-listen to the boy who capitalizes every fucking word in his stupid pointless sentence, and thinks 'use' and 'used' are interchangeable words.  He knows the way.  Education is rebellion?  What the fuck-did someone let him watch V for Vendetta and eat a pixie stick before bedtime?  The sad thing is, dumb fucking teenagers are going to look at this and not realize that this little pussy was handed a film career constantly playing his father's kid in stupid movies because he happens to be the product of what I can only assume was Jada Pinkett-Smith's first successful rape of a man after she got the sex change.  

Can This Please Stop?!!!!

Another senseless shooting in America. This time it is at the Navy Yard in Washington, D.C. where over 3,000 people are employed, military and civilian personnel. At this point between 4 and 7 people are believed to be dead and several others injured. One gunman is said to be killed, while up to two more are possibly still at large. Details surrounding this horrific event are not clear at this time, but one thing definitely is clear: NO MORE GUNS!!! NO MORE VIOLENCE!!! I'm not sure how we can make this happen, but our legislature has to do SOMETHING MORE to protect its citizens, because as long as they fail to pass sensible laws banning the use of guns, they are violating the human rights and safety of its people!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Boomhauer from King of the Hill

You don't have to understand him to understand he's HOT!

She's From Planet "Look At Me! Look At Me!"

It's next to Uranus. Not to be outdone by her underaged daughters' bikini shots, Kris Jenner evened things up a bit with a decidedly overaged bikini shot. She posted this shot on her instagram Sunday with the caption "Last day of summer gonna miss you." We're not sure if that's even seasonally correct since the first day of Autumn is September 22nd, but clearly Kris is trying to be more Jugs than Farmer's Almanac.

Dina Lohan Got a DUI...The Prophecy Has Been Fullfilled

Via Daily News:

Lindsay Lohan’s mom has switched roles with her scandal-magnet daughter and now is dealing with the fallout from a dramatic drunk driving arrest in Nassau County.

Police say Dina Lohan had a blood-alcohol level more than twice the legal limit when she was pulled over in her white BMW on the Northern State Parkway at 11 p.m Thursday.

The Merrick momager had been driving 77 mph in a 55 mph zone and later blew a 0.20 in a Breathalyzer, authorities said.

After being taken to a Farmingdale station for processing, the raspy-voiced reality TV star alleged she was injured during the course of the arrest, police said.

Of course she alleges she was injured during arrest-because that should buy her another few days in any tabloid.  The surprising thing is: this doesn't happen all the time.  You would think someone who raised Lindsay Lohan would be not only constantly getting DUI's but also driving on top of the elderly while doing a beer bong while texting her equally ghoulish friends while blowing a guy named Leon in the passenger seat.  Oh Leon, where did you go? 

What Mom Wouldn't Be Proud of This?

Even though she couldn't be in attendance, Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta was super proud of her 16-year-old daughter Brielle who walked the runway at New York Fashion Week in an ensemble that featured a shirt that says "Pretty Lil' Bitch" with a poodle on it. Yeah, well when I was 16, I had a pretty bad ass shirt with a dog on it myself, it said "Great Scott" and had a little scottie on it. Who's the baddest bitch now?!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Cindy Crawford from House of Style

In honor of New York Fashion Week (which somehow seems to go on for way more than a week) we have to give props to the most awkward interviewer of all time.

This is Kim Kardashian Now

While Kris Humphries is busy auctioning off the engagement ring that started off their sham fairy tale, Kim Kardashian is trying her damndest to look like anything but the band of gypsies she usually dances around with.  No longer shall she be associated with the peasants that for years stole loafs of bread and fruit to feed their nomadic families. The days of dancing for pennies and fine silk are behind her, for she.Is. A. BLOONNDEE.

Remembering 9/11

We make a lot of dick/celebrity/fat/whathaveyou jokes on this site, but we would like to ask everyone today to take a moment of silence for the tragedy that shook our nation twelve years ago.  Yet, America, being the resilient badass she is, stood strong and carried on.  Let's never forget the bravery, the courage, and the strength that shined on.

Oh It's Good To See Kanye West Acting Like an Adult Human

Because Kanye West is such a rational, grown up person, he went on Jimmy Fallon's Celebrity Masturbation Circus show last night to sing one of his ditties where he insulted Ray J by calling him "Brandy's little sister."  The man in the skirt, yes, yes, this makes complete sense.  Good one, Kanye, I have no idea how Ray J will ever recover from that slam dunk.  Oh wait-he escaped the gypsy clutches of Kris Kardashian's band of big-assed bandits, so yeah- he pretty much won this round.  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Dale Cooper

Damn fine detective-damn fine.

Gwen Stefani Has Mastered the Black Magic to Work on Her Uterus

Gwen Stefani is reportedly pregnant at the age of 76.  Good for her, because if there is a shortage of one thing in this world, it is kids with weird names and overly trendy parents.  Brava madame, brava.

I Don't Think This Construction Site is Up to Code

Oh dear, Miley's got all naked and crazy again. For her video for Wrecking Ball, which I was surprised to find out IS NOT an homage to Bruce Springsteen's latest album, the popster mounted a giant wrecking ball and made out with a sledge hammer. Two words. Tetanus. Shot.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tami from Strangers With Candy

We're nuts about this Littlenut!

The Shining: Full House Edition

Come play with us… or at least buy our overpriced clothes

Just Sayin…

"I always hope that I'll know when I no longer need to show my breasts for good. Like I'll know when to pack it in and put a bra on. That is my prayer to the universe." -Lena Dunham to Marie Claire Magazine

"Now. Anytime before now would have been great too." -Universe to Lena Dunham

Liam Hemsworth is a Class Act-Unlike That Whore He Dated...According to Liam Hemsworth

Because is anything would make me want a clean break from someone, it would be seeing them have a seizure all over Beetlejuice's cock...Via UsWeekly:

According to a source close to the actor, the pair is "just weeks away from calling it off permanently."

"He is over her and wants to make a clean break," the source tells Us of the Australian hunk. "No more back and forth."

I actually didn't know these two were still dating, and I really didn't know we were still referring to Miley Cyrus as a "her".  I mean-she's just a scary spider to me now-a scary, inbred, spider.

Ladies and Gentlemen-Your Nightmare for the Evening

Here is a pre-birth Kim Kardashian scaring the hell out of you for some fashion magazine.  I don't know much about fashion or women, but what I do know is RUN AND HIDE!!!!! *grabs stapler and hides under desk* They'll never find me here-will they stapler?  No-no they won't.

Miley Cyrus: History Maker

After waiting over a week for Miley to comment on her trashtastic performance with Robin Thicke at the VMAs, MTV will air a documentary about the entertainer? where she opens her mouth, and allows the pollutants that are her words into the air. Before going on stage, Miley says, "Me and Robin said the whole time, 'You know we're about to make history right now.'" If by history, you mean a 24 hour nonstop vomiting campaign in my bathroom, then you are right.

Is It a Hooker With a Baby or Beyoncé?

Ahh, one of my favorite trivia games! Since she seems to be boarding a boat, I'm gonna go with Beyoncé. Hookers may wait in port, but rarely board.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Jerk (Navin)

He was born a poor black child...

R.I.P. Tommy Morrison

Via UsWeekly: 

Tommy Morrison has died at the age of 44. The Rocky V star and heavyweight champion died on Sunday, Sept. 1, in a Nebraska hospital, TMZ reports.
 

Morrison's promoter, Tony Holden, confirmed the news that he had been in and out of the hospital for several months. He died with his wife by his side.

Morrison, nicknamed "The Duke," won his first heavyweight fight in 1989, by knocking out Alan Jamison in the first round. He then went on to play Tommy 'Machine' Gunn in 1990's Rocky V, alongside Sylvester Stallone. Three years later, he defeated George Foreman for the heavyweight championship in 1993.

Very, very sad.  God Bless, Tommy.

That Book That Middle-Aged Women Masturbate to is Gonna Be a Movie Starring These Two

I don't know much about 50 Shades of Grey, but I do know if you pretend to be the author of it and sign those books, Barnes & Noble will throw you out pretty damn fast.  Any snooch-it's gonna be a movie and these two are the stars: Dakato Whatserface and Charlie Vikingstein.  Okay those aren't their real names but does it really matter?