Kris and Bruce Jenner Made a Sex Tape...I'll Be Leaving the United States Now-Those Who Are Fair of Heart May Join Me

 

Did we anger you, God?

 

 

According to The New York Post, the two crypt-kreepers up top decided to rub their wrinkly parts together in front of the cameras:

 

 

Reality star Kris Jenner admitted to following in her daughter Kim Kardashian's footsteps and making a XXX-rated home movie with husband Bruce Jenner,

The Kardashian matriarch, who was the brains behind Kim's rise to fame after her sex tape with singer Ray J was leaked in 2007, made the confession in an upcoming episode of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians."
Jenner and her hubby said they made their own naughty film "to spice things up" in their relationship.


I'm not sure, but I think if we traveled back in time and showed this tape to Hitler before he got all Holocaust-y, he would commit suicide, and BOOM-no genocide of 8 million people. 

It's called science...get used to it.  

Here's Some Good News!

Valerie Harper's doctor, Jeremy Rudnick says the 74-year-old actress is close to remission with her brain cancer. This buys some time, because at some point the cancer will develop a resistance to treatment. Hopefully, in this time, other methods can be explored. Considering, she was given 3-6 months to live in January, it looks like Valerie has already defied the odds, and we have no reason to believe she won't continue to do so. She is Rhoda after all, and Rhoda kicks ass!

Go Ahead, Make My Day and Get the Hell Out of My Life!

I guess Clint Eastwood found conversation with an empty chair more stimulating than his wife of 17 years, Dina. The two have separated, per UsWeekly.  According to the magazine, a source says, "Clint fell out of love with Dina a long time ago." But they insist the split is amicable. The two have one child together, Morgan, 16. Maybe she can rework the title of her reality show to "The Former Mrs. Eastwood & Comany." That would surely bring in more ratings than some silly boy band from Australia. What's that, they're from South Africa? How do you even know that?

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

1978 Garfield

Funky Cat.

Catherine Zeta-Jones is Done Giving Michael Douglas Vagina Throat Cancer

 

 

According to the New York Daily News, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are "taking a break" from marriage.  This shouldn't really be shocking because well-you know-she's bat shit crazy and he just discovered this year the sweet taste of Matt Damon.  And I think that guy in the back is casting a "leave your husband" spell on her---I've used that look before, chief.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Judy from Family Matters

The youngest always get lost in the shuffle

Alec Baldwin Doesn't Understand How to Interact With People

Listen, I get the same way with my grandma when she's trying to snap pictures of me, but this is just the latest in a serious of physical spats Baldwin has had with photographers. It's just like, relax Dude! I'm sorry you're famous too.

Miley Cyrus Eases Robin Thicke's Groin Pains

We get it Miley, you're crazy and don't care what anyone thinks, blah, blah, blah. Well you managed to make everyone think they are very uncomfortable with your raunchy performance with Robin Thicke at the VMAS who is married and has a child BY THE WAY!!! If I were Robin's wife, Paula Patton, I would bitch slap the twerk jerk and tell her to keep her foam hands off my husband. But congratulations to Robin, looks like they promoted him to president of Foot Locker.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Billy Bob from Varsity Blues

More to love!

The News I've Been Waiting For!

Reunited and it feels so unnecessary

Every night I wish upon the stars, "Please oh please let Danity Kane reunite! Please is it too much to ask for cryin' out loud?!" Well tonight, my wish will be granted because they will announce at the VMAs their officical reunion. I can't wait to hear them perform all their hit songs like…uh…well you know the ones I mean. Did you know the group named themselves after the movie Citizen Kane? Yeah, his first name was Danity. I'm pretty sure that's true.

What Kame First? The Krack or the Kardashians?

According to TMZ, in a very surprising story, Lamar Odom, basketball star and husband to Khloe Kardashian has been into crack cocaine for at least the past two years. Apparently that has been the real problem in their marriage, although all those cheating allegations can't really help. Apparently, Lamar went to rehab last year, but left after only three weeks, and started using again after the basketball season ended. While most sane people would agree anyone who marries into the Kardashians would have to be on drugs, this is a very sad story, and we hope he gets the help he needs!

Here is Kim Kardashian's Baby-Thank You Internet.

Is it a baby Ewok?  Something I Googled while bored at work/high/drunk?  OR Gypsy/Narcissus offspring?
YOU DECIDE!  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Witherspoons from Our House

They're too hot to pick just one!

Of Course He Leaked Information…He's a Woman!

Bitches be chirpin'! So the U.S. soldier  who was just sentenced to 35 years in prison for leaking classified information, Bradley Manning, is not manning up, so to speak. He said in a statement Thursday that he identifies himself as a female and wants to be known as Chelsea Manning. He also wants to begin hormone therapy immediately, which he wants the military to provide for him while in prison. Yeah, I'm sure they'll get right on that. Although, he does look like he could use a little help. To the right is his pic as Chelsea he sent to a supervisor a little while ago when discussing his gender crisis. Lipstick and a wig! As if that's all it takes to be a woman! This ain't Bangkok Honey!

Wentworth Miller is Gay; Doesn't Like Russia Now

Insert obvious drop the soap Prison Break comment here...and on we go-

As if anyone should be surprised that a man named Wentworh is gay, Wentworth Miller came out today, basically in an open letter to Russia telling them to shove their invitation to their film festival-you know where, girlfriend:  Via USA Today:

Wentworth's letter, which is posted on GLAAD's website, thanks festival organizers for an invitation but states that "as a gay man, I must decline. I am deeply troubled by the current attitude toward and treatment of gay men and women by the Russian government."

Ahh---the "duh" heard 'round the world...oh yeah-my poptarts are done.  Shine on, Wentworth-you crazy diamond.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Harriet the Spy

What a little wierdo.

Come On Down, Bitch

 

 

Aaron Paul on a 1998 episode of the Price is Right is bound to make your day a little brighter.



It's Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

Hardly! More like shitty shitty car on fire! Beloved actor Dick Van Dyke was pulled from his Jaguar on the L.A. freeway after the car burt into flames. A good samaritan was driving on the 101 when he saw Van Dyke's car filled with smoke and the actor hunched over the wheel. Van Dyke, 87, is understandably disoriented over the incident, but luckily required no medical attention. Thank God he is okay! Like I say about Jaguars, those things are always in the shop…or SHOULD BE!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie

One hot crazy bitch!

Oh, This is Kind of Embarrassing

Justin Bieber and Jay-Z were photographed in a car together in Miami Beach Saturday. We are not certain about the nature of their relationship, but Bieber is actually closer in age to Jay-Z's daughter Blue Ivy than to the rapper, so maybe he was picking Justin up for a playdate.

Whoaah, Simmer Down Now!

We get it Jennifer, you don't want to be that

predictable girl anymore. You want to go crazy

with a drastic sidepart and some leather belty thing.

But you don't have to change for us to like you. We

like you just the way you are.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Matlock

Ain't nothing getting by this hottie

This Has Gotta Be Weird

If you were the daughter of Olivier Sarkozy, you would be pictured here on the right. Your father's girlfriend would appear to be the late Sam Kinison, but would actually be half of the twinset that played little Michelle Tanner on Full House. And you would be taller than her, and she would look like she could be your sister. But your dad's French, so it's probably not that weird. Nevermind, as you were.

Oh No She Din't!

Never look a gift horse in the mouth, even if that horse has a psychotic smile and is Katie Couric. Kim Kardashian received a baby gift from Couric, and instead of sending a thank you note, like a normal person, she tweeted and instagrammed and whatever else Kardashians use to communicate, her displeasure with Katie Couric. Showing a pic of a onesie Couric bought from Barney's (C'mon Katie, kids should be wearing stuff with Barney, not from Barney's) and a little note, Kim captioned it with #IHateFakeMediaFriends and then #MayIHumblySuggestYouNotSendGiftsThenTalkShit

Apparently, Katie Couric talked shit about the Kardashians recently. And by talking shit I mean asking why they are famous? Who dares to question the Gypsy power?! 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Joe from Blue's Clues

I'm as confused as you are.  Very lost, people.  Very.

Lori From That 70's Show Died

Lisa Robin Kelly, who played the deliciously evil Lori on That 70's Show died on Wednesday at the age of 43 while in rehab, of apparent cardiac arrest.

All we can say is that this is really sad, and she was absolutely brilliant as Lori.  Rest in Peace, and God Bless, girl.

This is Angus T. Jones Now. Drink it In.

Above is Rabbi Jones, and my God!  He's levitating those bikes with the mighty power of the sweatpant.  Go forth with this power, young Angus, for this is just the beginning-soon you will hold the power of the couch, the Funyion, and the overflowing belly button lint.

Gia Allemand from "The Bachelor" is Dead at 29

Gia Allemand, seen here with boyfriend Ryan Anderson of the New Orleans Pelicans, has died of an apparent suicide.  

I don't watch The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love or any of the spin-offs which made Gia famous, but during my research I found that Gia did a lot for needy animals and different charities.  This girl seemed like she had a lot of love to give, and it's too bad she couldn't come to terms with whatever was happening  that she had to end her life. 

Super sad-God Bless

Somehow Justin Long is Banging Amanda Seyfried. Check Her Urine.

Something just doesn't seem...quite...right-

Oh right-boobies.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tripper Harrison

Good, dirty, summer fun.

Gwynnie and the Fam attend Library Benefit in the Hamptons

Yes, this is the wonderment with which Gwyneth Paltrow looks at a book.

Katy Perry Must Have Gotten a Ride From My Brother Jimbo

Always helping people out, that Jimbo.

Danielle Jonas Debuts Baby Bump, Kevin Jonas Debuts Gay Hairdo

While I have always thought the best way to show up to the Teen Choice Awards is knocked up, I'm wondering if all that hairspray, and Dippity-Do is safe to have around an unborn child . . .  Kevin.

Case Dismissed. See, All Better?

The case in which a former employee sued Paula Deen and her brother Bubba for sexual harrassment and racist attitudes has been dismissed. Well, the racist attitudes part of it anyway, since apparently the woman suing them is white. Even if Deen and her brother did say racist things, that'd be like Dale Earnardt, Jr. suing NASCAR fans for subjecting him to racism. U.S. District Court Judge William T. Moore, Jr. ruled that Jackson has no standing to sue them for race discrimination. Luckily Paula got out of this whole hoopla unscathed with all her dignity and finances completely intact.

Teen Choice Awards? Let Me Just Go Into My Dominatrix Drawer...Kids Love That Shit

Because why not dress like that transexual hooker you accidentally picked up one night when you were too drunk to see his Adam's apple  and notice that his voice was deeper than your dad's...uh-for the kids.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Jessica Fletcher

SEXY, she wrote...

Chris Brown Had a Seizure

I didn't know being a woman beating douche gave you seizures...off to the doctor's then.

R.I.P. Sean Sasser

AIDS Activist and Real World star Sean Sasser has died at the age of 44 of mesothelioma (a rare and deadly form of lung cancer).  He leaves behind his loving family and husband.  

Though he wasn't a full cast member, his romance with cast mate and AIDS victim Pedro Zamora touched viewers hearts brought talk of AIDS to the forefront.  Sean had since been a vocal activist in the fight against AIDS and an important educator about the realities of living with HIV.  

God bless.

Amanda Bynes Sane? Nope, Not Even a Little Bit

So remember when I reported a little while ago on how the psych ward folks said Amanda Bynes was responding super well to her cocktail of anti-thebugsareeatingmyface? Well, that was a tots JK you guys, my bad.  In reality, according to the legal mumbo jumbo I scanned through on the interweb, the judge presiding over this NUTCASE...(haha see what I did there?) has granted full conservatorship to Amanda Bynes's mother on account the doctors at the crazy hospital deemed her "gravely disabled due to mental illness".  Damn docs...little harsh?  No? Ok I'll sit quietly. 

Scientology Must Have Really Pissed Off Leah Remini

On Wednesday, Leah Remini filed a missing person report for Michelle Miscavige, who is the wife of David Miscavige, the head brainwasher of dumbass trendy celebrities and their delicious money yum yum yum the head of the church of Scientology.  Los Angeles police apparently made contact with what I can only assume is a hand puppet, or David Miscavige in a dress and wig, because they have deemed the report "unfounded."  LAPD investigators say they have made contact with Michelle Miscavige.

Sooooo...only after Leah Remini leaves Scientology does she think it's appropriate to alert the police to the crazy ass fact that this "wife" of the "leader" hasn't been seen in years.  Uh-huh, it didn't seem to bother her for the years leading up to it, no-no everyone was perfectly happy with the explanation "Uh, guys, Michelle isn't gonna be here tonight, she's on her lady period again-haha girls right? Ew-amiright?  Who wants to take a bath in Tom Cruise's mini tub?"  

-How that happened.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Dr. Richard Burke

Why the hell was he sleeping with Monica when he had sweet Rachel ass RIGHT THERE?

Britney Spears Can't Hold A Conversation; No Shit Said Everyone With A Goddam Stream of Consciousness

Ex Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon (I don't know either) apparently has a roundtable type discussion show where they discuss important issues, like the Civil War, foreign policy, and how tots stupid Britney Spears looked ten years ago when she shaved her head you guys-what a fucking turd-I'm gonna soooo spill my lunch on her in the cafeteria.  Loser.

Via UsWeekly:

Adrienne Bailon kept things, well, real, on her daytime talk show The Real this week when the roundtable discussion turned to troubled former child stars. Bailon, who came to fame through her band 3LW and Disney Channel's "The Cheetah Girls," immediately jumped into the conversation by dissing "Ooh La La" singer Britney Spears, calling her the "pop princess who had the ultimate meltdown."

"Britney Spears needs to call Miley's stylist ASAP," the feisty talk show host said, as the now-infamous image of Spears shaving her own head popped up on the screen. But Bailon's snarky quips didn't end there.

"I've had to work with her on X Factor," Bailon explained. The singer served as a co-host for Pepsi's pre-show web series. "I would sit and do my interview with Demi [Lovato], I would do the behind-the-scenes stuff. [Britney] can't hold a conversation! Like, they have someone that feeds her what she's supposed to say. She can't hold a conversation.

Pshh-bet that bitch can't even throw up right-all bald six years ago and shit.  She is so not gonna make varsity you guys.  Cunt.

No Backsies!

Here we go again, that old story of a man who wants to be a woman, turns into a woman, only to discover during a period of amnesia he now wants to be a man again. Oh, you haven't heard one like that yet? Well step right up and and learn about Don Ennis, the ABC news editor. In May, Ennis announced (in dress and wig no less) that he wanted to be known as Dawn, and that he was splitting from his wife. But "Dawn" recently had a two day bout with amnesia that made him want to live as a man again. He thought his new "breasts" were a cruel joke that his wife had played on him. She must be some trickster. Ennis also thought it was the year 1999. Clearly this man is confused about a lot, so happy he works in newsmedia.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Dos Equis

I don't always run out of "Hottie of the Day" ideas...

But when I do-I use Dos Equis Guy.  Masturbate away, ladies.

Lindsay Lohan Bailing on European Vacation Because Oprah Made it So

Because Oprah Winfrey only has so much free time when she's not fishing Cheetos out of her couch cushions, she apparently told Lindsay Lohan not to go on vacation to Europe for fear she may relapse.  This wouldn't be good for the deal they struck for a docuseries on Lohan's post-rehab life.  According to TMZ, Oprah has called Lohan several times over the past 24 hours to convince her not to leave the country.  OPRAH HAS SPOKEN!

All I'm hearing here is that Oprah has given up on African schoolchildren and has decided to focus her energy obsessively on someone who, let's be honest, doesn't really deserve jack shit.  I'm assuming she chose this path because it means less trips off the recliner.

Russell Brand to Boobies: "Fuck Off"

Russell Brand apparently isn't a fan of marriage or candy colored tits-he apparently made fun of his marriage to Katy Perry by saying that he would imagine "anyone else" during sex with her, which makes sense-because she doesn't have a penis, and that's just plain wrong, man.

Megan Fox is Knocked Up Again

In her only remaining career move, Megan Fox is expecting her second child with husband Brian Austin Green.  Of course, she will still be raping my childhood by playing April in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie, so it's not a complete loss.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Midge

She was Barbie's friend, or sister?  I'm not sure.  I used to sit on them.

Jodie Foster: Lesbian Superhero

Apparently, Jamie Lee Curtis was in a car accident on Thursday, only to be saved by the iron jawed snatch of Jodie Foster.  Via UsWeekly:

It was a Freaky Thursday for Jamie Lee Curtis and Jodie Foster. Curtis, 54, was involved in a serious car accident in Venice, Calif. the morning of Aug. 1, suffering minor injuries. As photos at TMZ attest, the Fish Called Wanda star and Activia spokeswoman was transported to a local hospital via ambulance -- but fellow Hollywood veteran Jodie Foster arrived on the scene to help, following an apparent phone call from longtime pal Curtis.

UPDATE: A rep for Curtis tells Us Weekly that "Jamie was not hurt and is doing fine," and also confirms that Foster was at the scene.

Wanna know how Jodie Foster got so powerful?  Vagina.  And poop yogurt.

Here is Kim Kardashian's Big Reveal; Yep-Still a Gypsy Fame-Whore

Because the Kardashians have perfected the art of media incest, here is a still of Kim Kardashian in a video message to her slagathor mother, congratulating her on being able to drug a network head, take photos of him fucking a printer, and then bribe him into giving her a talk show.  I guarantee you that is what happened.  Check the security tape.

Amanda Bynes is No Longer Hearing Voices; My 1998 Self Just Cried a Little

"Aww where did my friends go?"

So according to TMZ, our favorite little psychopath has apparently responded shockingly well to her cocktail of anti-schizophrenia medication.  So she was schizophrenic-which completely explains the talking to herself, the "ugly" tirades on Twitter, and her overall craziness.  

But saying Drake should murder her vagina...nothing explains that-that was pure Amanda.  

I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN

"Let her play her own stalker," they said "It'll be fine", they said.