The Amber Heard/Johnny Depp Crazy Train Keeps Derailing

While Amber Heard continues to make domestic violence claims against Johnny Depp, close friend of Depp, comedian Doug Stanhope, has jumped to his buddy's defense, and wrote an article basically saying Heard is full of shit and blackmailing Depp.  I can believe that, but you know what I can't believe?  That Johnny Depp and Doug Stannhope are friends...isn't that fucking weird? 

Good Morning. Here's Jessica Simpson's Veiny Patriotic Tits

Because what better way to say "thank you" than by showing America your weird stomach and Indiana Jones map tits? 

Happy Memorial Day!

Thank you.

So Basically, Hollywood is Chock Full of Pedophiles

 

According to our favorite Corey, that is...

Okay so basically, there was an interview with Elijah Wood recently where he pretty much pointed out the huge problem of child star rape in Hollywood.  While Wood has clarified that he himself was never molested, Corey Feldman has popped up to say that he and Corey Haim were both molested on movie sets and at parties.  While he didn't name names (except for a nod to Michael Jackson) Feldman did say that Haim was more involved with direct abuse than he was.  

Elijah Wood said that he was able to avoid diddlers thanks to the fact his mom didn't let him go to creepy Hollywood parties as a child.  Good looks, Mrs. Wood...good looks. Now, kids like me never had to worry about this kinda thing...back in my day, I was what was known as "not molester pretty".

Amber Heard is One Cold Bitch

Amber Heard has made the ice queen hall of fame by filing from divorce from Johnny Depp only three days after his mom died.  Now, I don't want to judge anybody's weird, faux-eurotrash marriage, but day-um, Amber...you just set a very high standard for what it takes to make you stay in a marriage.  Did your basic ass think it was just gonna be chain-smoking and trips to the wig store?  Because that's how I think a Depp lifestyle goes down.  Don't take that away from me.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Nina Van Horn

The actual first supermodel.

Bill Cosby Ordered to Stand Trial

Bill Cosby will be standing trial for a 2004 incident involving Andrea Constand.  Bleak, man.  Here's hoping everything goes okay for the Cos...I, of course am operating under the assumption that this lady is full of shit.  I know, I know, unpopular opinion, kinda like my "save your own feces" platform when I ran for class president.  In 26th grade.  I was 30.

Of Course Tyga and Kylie Jenner Have a Sex Tape...The Prophecy has Been Fullfilled

 

Welp it's come full circle in the Kardashiverse with news of a Kylie/Tyga sex tape.  Leaked screenshots have pretty much confirmed that these two are taking Kim's route to fame, and why not?  I mean, it's a family tradition.  According to Jackie Collins, who passed away last year and was good frenemies with Kris Jenner and Robert Kardashian, those two made several sex tapes during their marriage.  I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the dumpster fire full of human garbage. 

R.I.P. Morley Safer

 

Legendary newsman Morley Safer has died at the age of 84.  Safer started his CBS career in 1964, and made broadcasting history with his hard-sitting piece on the torching of Cam Ne in 1965.  He was with 60 Minutes for 46 years, and personally, I always found him to be a source of comfort on Sunday nights.  Rest easy, Morley.  You will be missed. 

Blake Lively Made a Harmless Joke and is Now Considered Racist...Sounds about Right

 

See that harmless caption up there?  Well, it has caused the unemployed to lose their minds because somehow, it has been deemed racist.  How, exactly?  Because people are stupid, and when people are stupid, they will latch on to anything they can to try to deflect from their rampant retardation.  Here's the thing, for all the social justice warrior pussies out there: it's an homage.  Blake Lively, I can 1000% guarantee, is NOT racist.  But you know what is racist?  Getting all up in arms because God forbid she compare herself to a black person (which she didn't even do)...like seriously, get a job whiners.  Look at me, I have a job taste testing yogurt for a man who claims his van produces yogurt.  So what if he makes me suck it out of a tube blindfolded oh my God I'm getting mouth raped. 

Caitlyn Jenner May Not be Kendall Jenner's Mother/Father

 

Modeling the latest look from the Bea Arthur Collection

 Okay, well this is from the dregs of the internet so it may or may not be true, but according to "sources" there are rumblings in the Kardashiverse that Caitlyn Jenner's cheese blintz may not be responsible for the existence of Kendall Jenner.  It is very possible that Todd Waterman, a soccer player (pictured below) could be the real baby daddy.  Damn, Kris Jenner has had more athlete's dicks in her than a bin full of jock straps. 

 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tori 

 

We never wanted a replacement for Kelly, but we would never tell this chick.

Courtney Stodden is Pregnant! My Life is Complete

This is just...so fantastic.

Okay, so in a statement on Monday, the...I don't know, future porn star...what am I saying?-porn actress... announced that she and her geriatric husband, Doug Hutchison are expecting what I can only assume will be a future ward of the state.  Okay, now here is where shit gets awesome...it seems that Courtney's mother is in love with her daughter's fucking husband!  Yes! The mother of the year who married off her 16 year old to a 55 year old is herself in love with said 55 year old!  I fucking love it...oh, and the cherry on top is of course the fact that Mama Stodden does not believe her daughter is pregnant.  Click HERE for more information on my favorite family of all time,. 

Apparently Sinead O'Connor was Missing

 

Via UsMagazine:

 Sinead O’Connor has been found unharmed after going missing for more than 24 hours, according to The Wilmette Beacon. “Sinead O’Connor has been located. She is safe and is no longer listed as a missing/endangered person,” Wilmette police told the newspaper.

Original story below
Police in Wilmette, Illinois, received a request to check on the well-being of Sinead O’Connor after she failed to return from a bike ride more than a day later, according to a statement obtained by Us Weekly.

Hmm...I hate to poke fun at the mentally ill...wait a minute, no I don't, in fact, nothing bones me up more!  How much you guys wanna bet this crazy cue-ball called in her own missing person's report?  Donald Trump/John Miller style?  She was probably all like "oy, it's me Sinead...I mean, hello fellow American, I would like to report a missing person.  My name? Why, Jane...Jane, uh *looks around room* Jane Picturesofcatsandoldtunacans...yeah, that's the ticket."

 Brought to you by Club MED Hell...Hell: come for the brimstone, stay for the strip steak.  And demon rape.

Kendra Wilkinson is Pissed at Holly Madison; Incoherent Tweets Reveal All

 

Apparently, Kendra does not approve of an interview Holly gave with who I can only assume was a fellow bus passenger.  In the interview, Holly said that she lived in fear at the mansion-well Kendra ain't having none of that shit...here are her tweets to prove it: 

Now Holly is on cover of People mag sayin she lived in fear at the mansion. She wasn't in fear with that dick in her ass for a paycheck

— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) May 12, 2016

That bitch is in fear now knowing so many of us saw her doing some nasty shit. She's embarrassed and in shame. She was the clean up girl

— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) May 12, 2016

Hollys job was to get Hef hard again and clean him up with her mouth

— Kendra Wilkinson (@KendraWilkinson) May 12, 2016

Oh MY! *fans self before fainting onto velvet couch* Kendra, Kendra, Kendra...I mean, sure Holly is definitely a nasty ho-for sure, the nastiest.  But I can't help but feel that someone who knowingly stayed by her tranny-banging husband's side after said tranny-banging probably shouldn't be throwing dildos at glass houses.  But that's just the opinion of a fine society type like myself.

Eminem is Dropping a Shirt

Eminem teamed up with @unfortunateportrait for this masterpiece, but there's a pretty big marketing catch.  So if you want this thing, you probably won't be able to get it because they're only available through pre-order and only for 3 days starting yesterday. 

Enjoy.

I for one Welcome our New Alien Overlords

Okay so here's what's up:

Blac Chyna, you know, the stripper who became famous because she let an obese diabetic drug addict knock her up, has begun the Kardashian trademark process.  Basically, she has trademarked what her married name will be (Angela Renee Kardashian) to secure future business deals.  Who inspired the marketing ploy?  Why, none other than her future slagathor-in-law, Kim Kardashian West, who did the same thing.  So get used to that weird face and body, America-it's here to stay. 

Now, when I trademarked my name, Mistake Dream-Killer McGee©-I got nothing, so don't get your hopes up Blac Chyna Angela Renee Kardashian Jenner Simpson West Target McDonalds©.

Ozzy and Sharon are Fucking Done

Looks like Ozzy has stumbled into his last wide-awake nightmare...he and Sharon are calling it quite after 33 years semi-consciously together.  The split comes after rumors of Ozzy having an affair...but I don't think sleepwalking should count.  Seriously, imagine the booby trap setup of whores Sharon Osbourne definitely went through to get Ozzie to have an affair.  It's mind-boobling.

Blac Chyna is Gonna Shit Out a Kid

The national useless retard average is about to skyrocket because Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian are pregnant.  The duo announced their pregnancy via a dumbass picture on her Instagram of a pregnant cartoon character.  Ahh, America-we can always count on you to make a pregnant stripper top news. 

Oh Good, Caitlyn Jenner has a New Manslaughter-mobile

 

Because not only did Bruce Jenner turn into a woman, but also, apparently a pimp with Grimace taste, here is Caitlyn Jenner's new Porsche, complete with an innocent bystander cow-catcher and bitch, move out the way lasers!  

Met Gala 2016: These People Exist

All of these outfits cost more than your house and they are adorning idiots.  Have a great day!

Farrah Abraham Wants to Show you Where she Went from Girl to Stank Ass Ho

Jeezy creezy...

Farrah Abraham, or as we better know her, that grown up cum dumpster, wants to show you where she lost her virginity.  She gave a (hymen tour? I guess?) to fans via an Instagram video of her teenage bedroom, because nobody asked for it, so goddamit they're gonna get it.  I personally have maintained that Farrah was never a virgin, but rather born from the anus of a swamp monster, already with three dicks twixt her thighs.  

Leave it to Kim Kardashian to show off a Necklace in the Creepiest Way Possible

 

The ghost of Kim Kardashian's original face popped up to show off a necklace gifted to her mother by murder victim, Nicole Brown Simpson.  Way to give everyone the willies, Kim...ya jerk.