HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Bubba Sparxxx

This hottie is off the charts--and the map!

Kristen, Are You Trying to Look Unattractive?

Congratulations! You've succeeded admirably

UPDATE: Joan Rivers Still in "Serious Condition" According to Her Daughter

 

I've been holding out on posting about Joan Rivers' condition until I had a good sense of what was going on, so here is the scoop according to CNN:

(CNN) -- Comedian Joan Rivers is "resting comfortably" in a New York hospital after apparently suffering cardiac and respiratory arrest during a procedure at a medical clinic Thursday.

Her daughter, Melissa Rivers, issued a statement on Friday.

"My mother would be so touched by the tributes and prayers that we have received from around the world," she said. "Her condition remains serious but she is receiving the best treatment and care possible. We ask that you continue to keep her in your thoughts as we pray for her recovery."

A law enforcement official told CNN that Rivers stopped breathing during throat surgery. Rivers, 81, was taken by ambulance in critical condition to Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City.

So that's the deal so far, our thoughts are with Joan and her family, and we hope she has a speedy recovery. 

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Got Married

Famed fart-sniffers Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were married in France over the weekend, which means divorce should be just around the corner.  So if there are any of you bisexual twenty-somethings out there looking to land a jaded man (a la Johny Depp), now's your chance.  Here is where the magic happened...

Seriously, line up ladies.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Billy Eichner

 

So loud, so funny, so hot.

Here's More Naked Chelsea Handler...Because I Hate You

Because her show is ending, Chelsea Handler is really trying to shove her naked middle-ageness in everybody's faces, what better reason than that, America?  Anywho...here it is, and I'm sorry.

Welp...Yep

 

I personally love it when celebrities wear clothing right after a break-up that somehow tells the world how they feel about the situation; see: Nick Cannon's "Saved" hat, and basically anything Khloe Kardashian wears ever.  Also, Bruce Jenner's new boobies. 

The 66th Primetime Emmy Awards

Here are some of the greatest fart-sniffing moments from last night,

and some red carpet pictures as well...I'm just happy Breaking Bad won pretty much everything because let's face it...Bryan Cranston in a mustache will always win.  Always.

It should also be noted that Billy Crystal gave a very moving speech in tribute to Robin Williams, in which he shared anecdotes about their friendship, and his late friend's warmth and energy. 

Oh...and Sarah Silverman's boobs almost popped out. 

 

 

 



R.I.P. Richard Attenborough

 

Via TMZ:

 Lord Richard Attenborough -- the English actor who made dinosaurs come to life in "Jurassic Park" -- has died after years of poor health.

Attenborough was one of England's leading actors ... but was also a director and producer. He's probably best known for "Jurassic Park" ... but also starred as Santa Claus in the remake of "Miracle On 34th Street"

His 70-year career also included "The Great Escape" with Steve McQueen ... and he directed "Gandhi" -- which won 8 Oscars.

Attenborough's son told the BBC his father died Sunday at lunchtime -- he'd been living in a nursing home with his wife for the past few years.

Attenborough was 90.

Rest in Peace, Richard...I know that my generation looked at you as some kind of dinosaur magician, and you made our movie night more magical.  God Bless.

Here is My interpretation of the VMA's

 

 

 

Boobies, my girl Miley mouthing that Ron Weasley's aborted fetus is an asshole, and Miley Cyrus's homeless friend, Jesse accepting Miley's award for Wrecking Ball in an attempt to raise homeless awareness.  So what did I learn from all this?  Boobies.

Presenting Katy Perry's Boobies Doing Their Best Britney Spears Impression; Also, Riff Raff

The MTV VMA's were tonight, and here is my favorite red carpet moment: Katy Perry and Riff Raff (that's right America, don't pretend you didn't make this happen) channeling Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake from 2001.  Why would someone do this?  I don't know-according to Katy Perry's Twitter, it's some kind of impression.  Anywho...I didn't watch the VMA's because let's face it, that pile of Betty & Veronica Double Digests isn't going to read/jerk off to themselves so choices had to be made.  Regardless, we are a legitimate news site and still try to deliver the facts goddamit.  Now here's an old picture to prove that I am a journalist who wears a hat that has a little piece of paper in it that says "press"...and nothing else.  Ladies?

And Presenting Bruce Jenner's New Tits...

 

Everyone's favorite male-female Kardashian/Jenner/whocareswe'reallgonnagetsuckedintothevoidanyway (hahahaha I'm just kidding, everyone's favorite is Khloe) Bruce Jenner was seen taking his A-cups out for a spin the other day.  Now, I know these could very possibly just be old man titties but let's be honest, Bruce Jenner would not let himself go like that...those puppies are gonna be perky by next week or his name isn't Foxy Macintosh Bruce "Breakfast of Champions" Jenner

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Detective Andy Sipowicz

 

My one regret is that he didn't do full-frontal

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon are Getting Divorced

Who'd a thunk it?

Via The Hollywood Life:

 
Mariah Carey, 45, has allegedly hired security for her husband of six years, Nick Cannon, 33, to keep him away from other women! The parents of twins, Monroe and Moroccan, have reportedly been going through some issues, and have now hit a point where living together is no longer an option, according to a new report!

“He hasn’t been staying at their home,” an insider told Page Six. “He’s been living out of hotels. They’re fighting a lot.”

Well, as someone who has followed the ups and downs of Mariah Carey's batshit crazy behavior over the years, I have to say I'm surprised a younger, manic entertainer didn't cure what ailed her.  But the important thing is they brought children into the world to accept the brunt of their insanity.  Fantastic.

Jane Fonda Sits on Ryan Gosling's Face

 

Haha, gotcha suckers...it's a prop for her new Netflix sitcom.  OR IS IT???

Of Course Beyonce asked Gwyneth Paltrow for Divorce Advice

 

-"Oohh you know what really pisses them off? When you hide their vegan chilli and tell them their music sounds like a twink's nightmare."

-"I love you Gwyneth!"

Via UsMagazine:

 

That's what friends are for! Beyonce, whose marriage to rapper Jay Z has been on the rocks the past few months, has asked Gwyneth Paltrow for divorce advice, a source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly.

The "Crazy in Love" singer "has sought Gwyneth Paltrow's advice as she plans her split," the insider says. Multiple sources tell Us that Queen Bey, 32, and Jay, 44, will separate in the fall, after completing their On The Run tour dates. 
Blue Ivy's mom is planning for the breakup to echo the Goop founder's amicable "conscious uncoupling" from Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, the first source says.

"The day after the announcement, Bey and Jay will be spotted together," adds the insider. "The two will be all lovey-dovey."

Earlier in the month, while in town for their Los Angeles shows, Beyonce stopped by Paltrow's Brentwood home. Last year the singer gushed about the Oscar winner, calling her "incredible" and a "great friend on every level."

I mean, I think the last person who should be giving advice is Gwyneth Paltrow, unless the end result Beyonce is after is having Jay-Z bang a hot blonde Oscar winner who is much younger than herself...smooth move, Paltrow, smooth fucking move.

Here's Matthew Mcconaughey With a Fanny Pack

 

Enjoy the pants party.  Looks like that guy just couldn't handle it.

R.I.P. Don Pardo

 

Don Pardo, the man whose voice made you excited for Saturday Night Live, has died at 96 years old.  Via The Christian Science Monitor:

 

Few would recognize his face, but most would know his voice: that booming baritone that for nearly four decades would introduce the lineups on "Saturday Night Live."
Don Pardo, the durable television and radio announcer whose resonant voice-over style was widely imitated and became the standard in the field, died Monday in Arizona at the age of 96.
Pardo, with a strong chin and confident smile that were overshadowed by his majestic delivery, graced newscasts, game shows, and TV programs for more than 60 years. During the original version of "Jeopardy!," his answers to the statement, "Tell 'em what they've won, Don Pardo," became a memorable part of the program.

I am definitely going to miss his "It's Saturday Night Liiiiive!"  Nobody could do a job like you, Don-Rest in Peace.



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Gallagher

 

I'd like to squeeze his melons...ROWR.

This is Creepy

 

It's Lady Gaga channeling Amy Winehouse for an odd selfie because this is what people do now.  Enjoy.

Rob Schneider Has a Theory on Robin Williams Suicide

 

According to UsMagazine, Rob Schneider is blaming Robin Williams' suicide on the medication he was taking for Parkinson's disease, writing:

"Now that we can talk about it. #RobinWilliams was on a drug treating the symptoms of Parkinson's. One of the SIDE-EFFECTS IS SUICIDE!"

 "The Evil pharmaceutical industry ADMITS TO OVER 100,000 people in the USA DIE A YEAR FROM "PRESCRIPTION" DRUGS!! #RobinWilliams."

It does make you think, I mean-weed doesn't kill anybody and in fact helps people, and it's still a fight for it to be totally legal, yet these prescription drugs that have horrible side-effects are everywhere.  On the other hand, there isn't really any proof that it was the medication that led to Robin Williams' suicide, and he was a depressed person.  Damnit Schneider-you haven't had me thinking this hard since The Animal.

Regardless of all of that...I do think it's time for a nice video that shows what kind of heart Robin Williams had, and try to forget about the darkness.  Here ya go, kids:

Oh God, Make it Stop

 

Apparently, this was Chelsea Handler's nipple-less dig at the Kardashians...she posted it on her instagram with the caption "I'm a Kardashian."  I don't get it but ladies...this is what sleeping your way into cable television looks like, so take note and warning.  Oh wait-now I get it.

'Cause We Like To Party!

Denzel Washington clearly subscribes to the notion that anything worth doing is worth doing well. That extends past his acting career right onto the yacht he had been partying HARD on (haha I said hard on) for the entire month of July. According to TMZ Washington and his wife had a wild and crazy, alcohol infused time aboard the yacht. Consummate professional that he is, Denzel knew when it was time to jump party ship, and when he did, detoxed for two weeks at an Orange County residence where he had a nutritionist, trainer and chef. That's when you know it was a good party, when you need a two week detox after. Reminds me of the last bris I went to.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Hildy Granger from She's The Sheriff

You have the right to remain HOT!!

These Two are Having Pretentious White People Sex

 

According to multiple sources, these two are dating.  So, ya know...enjoy.

Goddamit, OJ Simpson

 

These will do nicely...

Okay, so apparently O.J. Simpson now has a full-blown obsession with Kim Kardashian, who if we are going to connect the relationship dots here is kind of like a niece he never sees because he's in prison, (he was friends with her father) so basically he's like all of my uncles.  Anywho, check this shit out via Radar Online:

 Jailed O.J. Simpson has a creepy obsession with Kim Kardashian, according to a prison insider, as “The Juice” has reportedly been drooling over pinups of the reality TV star from his cell, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.
Now, the disgraced footballer, 67, wants to hook up with Kim, 33, when he gets out if the pokey— and he doesn’t care that she is a married mom.
“He has several sexy pictures of Kim hanging up in his prison cell from her 2007 Playboy shot and he isn’t shy about showing her picture to fellow inmates,” an insider told us.

Simpson is serving a 33-year sentence at Lovelock Correctional Center in Lovelock, NV for a 2008 robbery and kidnapping conviction.
Last year, the NFL Hall-of-Famer was granted parole on lesser charges from his 2007 holdup of two sports memorabilia dealers, but he’ll still has to serve a minimum of three years in jail for convictions related to kidnapping and armed robbery in the case.
Simpson joked to a pal, “She likes black ball players, I am a Hall of Famer — and I still have my Heisman award,” a dig at Kardashian’s former boyfriend Reggie Bush who gave back his college football Heisman trophy after it came to light of some unethical dealings he was involved during his college playing days.

Well, ya can't argue with the facts.  

The Saved by the Bell Unauthorized TV Movie has a Trailer

Enjoy...it's as weird as you think.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Joey Kramer

 

I'll ride in his elevator any day.

R.I.P. Lauren Bacall

What a sad week...via The New York Times:

Lauren Bacall, the actress whose provocative glamour elevated her to stardom in Hollywood’s golden age and whose lasting mystique put her on a plateau in American culture that few stars reach, died on Tuesday in New York. She was 89.

Her son Stephen Bogart confirmed her death.

“Her life speaks for itself,” he said, adding: “She lived a wonderful life, a magical life.”

She was an icon, God Bless.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Divine

  

Damn.  Damn Hot.

Don't Worry, America-Dog the Bounty Hunter is on the Case

 

This actually makes me feel pretty good...Dog the Bounty Hunter has threatened to track down that fucking asshole War Machine, who is now on the run like the little bitch he is after beating up porn star Christy Mack, his ex-girlfriend.  Here's hoping that Dog or SOMEBODY finds this fucker.  He is currently wanted in Las Vegas, so all of our Nevada readers...keep an eye out for this fucking douche: 

 

Annnnd A Little Something to Lighten the Mood

 

In the wake of comedy legends committing suicide, and fucking MMA assholes beating up porn stars , here is a little whipped cream topping for your Tuesday.  Seems despite never being divorced, Courtney Stodden, who ages one year to every human three, as she is only 19, (WTF??) and meat puppet Doug Hutchison are engaged to be married again.  Why?  Because we live in a goddam circus, folks.

Robin Williams Found Dead

via The Daily News:

Actor and comedian Robin Williams has been found dead in his California home in a suspected suicide, according to a sheriff’s press release.

The 63-year-old actor was found unconscious around 12 p.m. inside his unincorporated residence in Tiburon, according to a report by the Marin County Sheriff’s Office.

“Robin Williams passed away this morning. He has been battling severe depression of late," his publicist said in a statement. "This is a tragic and sudden loss. The family respectfully asks for their privacy as they grieve during this very difficult time.”

An investigation into his cause of death is underway while the coroner suspects that it was a suicide caused by asphyxiation. A forensic examination is scheduled for Tuesday.

There are no words.  Please, rest in peace, Robin.  You were truly a gift to the world.

Brody Jenner Dicked his Dad

 

Ha ha ha...not that way you damn silly kids...the NON Kardashian way.

Okay, so according to TMZ:

 Bruce Jenner was busted by both the cops and his son Sunday night.

Bruce was driving on PCH in Malibu and doing a little quien es mas macho ... squealing his tires, and cops noticed. The squad cars lit up and Bruce was pulled over.

Turns out Brody Jenner was right behind and aimed his cellphone camera right at dad.

Cops told Bruce he had committed the crime of "Exhibition of Speed" -- aka showing off. They gave him a warning and let him go.

Brody Instagrammed,  "Dad tried to show off!! Bahahaha."

Ahh, the time in all our lives when our slowly transgendering fathers decide to show off to the Malibu police by squealing tires.  Hallmark may not make a card for this, but in my mind, these are the memories that are bathed in golden light.  Fly, my dove, fly into the warm horizon.

Good Goddam Fuck

 

Because God is punishing us, (probably for inventing the internet, but that's just a guess) Kim Kardashian has just made a deal with Rizzoli Publishing to release a book of selfies, to come out in April of 2015.  I think we have finally reached the end of days, so a few confessions before the world ends...

-I watch Girl Meets World, and not ironically, it's because I truly enjoy the problems those kids overcome 

-I eat Rollos on the toilet

-I learned my entire vocabulary from The Simpsons

-I am the Lindbergh Baby

So Beyonce Basically Told Jay-Z it's Over on Stage

I like this picture...it's like if Game of Thrones meets Mad Max, and something interesting is happening on either side of the stage, but it's making them mad.  Any fuckin' way, according to UsWeekly, during one of  the final shows of their "On the Run" tour, Beyonce made some not-so-subtle allusions to the fact that Jay-Z should just go fuck himself.  Here's the rundown:

-Both Jay-Z and Beyonce appeared "very tired" and the tension was "palpable"

-Bey changed the lyrics to her song "Resentment" to reflect the amount of time her and Jay-Z have been together. (From 6-12 years, and the song is about cheating).

-When he rapped to her, Beyonce just gave Jay-Z a "stone cold look"

-Attendees say that "it was very frosty" between the two.

-Some other shit

Fantastic.  The only thing that would have really tied it all together is if when Beyonce was doing her catty girly thing, if Jay-Z just belted out "99 Problems" but changed every word to "Beyonce is One", then threw on his boa, and scoffed off stage to "I Will Survive."  You see, it's about the theatrics, people...now give me JAZZ HANDS!!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Barbara from Teen Mom 2

She's no teen, but she's one tough mutha

Only Slim Charles Can Be This Cool After Being Beaten and Stabbed

http://www.tmz.com/page/2/

Anwan Glover, the actor who played Slim Charles on the HBO series The Wire was excited to talk to TMZ on Monday, just a day after being beaten and stabbed in a D.C. nightclub. Click the link above to see the full chat with TMZ. Anwan basically says D.C. is not all White House and roses, it can get pretty rough. Shi-eet, anyone who grew up on 227 coulda told you that.

So Kim Kardashian Wants to adopt a Child...

Which is great because she doesn't really pay much attention to her first baby, and I can't think of a greater gift to give to a Thailand orphan that to NOT be raised by mother of the year up there.  P.S. I realize it's unfair to use a ten year old sex tape to discredit her parenting, but she used it to kickstart her career, so HAZAA BITCHES!  via UsWeekly:

Mama once more? Earlier this year, Kim Kardashian seriously considered adopting a second child, the latest episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians revealed. 

The new installment, which aired on Sunday, Aug. 3, showed the Kardashian family on their trip to Thailand. The reality TV stars visited a local orphanage, bringing supplies and donations to the Thai children and getting to know them. 

PHOTOS: Kim Kardashian's love life

During the visit, Kardashian, 33, spent time with a 12-year-old girl named Pink, and expressed her desire to make the tween a part of her immediate family with husband Kanye West and daughter North West. 

Credit: E!

"I literally cannot stop thinking about her," Kardashian told mother Kris Jenner and half-brother Brandon Jenner. "I told Kanye, I was like, 'Honestly, this girl is so sweet and so cute, I would totally adopt her.'" 

PHOTOS: North West's fabulous life

Kris did not immediately warm to the idea, telling Kardashian, "That's a little aggressive. I think that you can't just go to an orphanage and fall in love with a child and then take them home like you're shopping. You get very passionate about things and then you don't think the whole thing through. I bet there are other things that you could do that would make all the difference in this little girl's life."

Kardashian learns it isn't an option for her to adopt Pink, but instead contributes by bringing more gifts for the children. 

All right, so it looks like Pink dodged a bullet there, and I guess it is nice that Kim Kardahsian warmed so quickly to a human being that couldn't possibly get her any publicity unless there were cameras following her around HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!!!

Welcome to the Ninth Circle

 

I always wondered what everyone's nightmare looked like and here it is...your move, Satan.