Mary-Kate Olsen Married Everyone's Creepy Uncle

Mary-Kate Olsen and Olivier Sarkozy tied the knot on November 27th, giving all rich, old, creepy guys hope that they too will be able to find love with a girl who is essentially just a warmed over cocaine fetus.  Congratulations, ya crazy kids.  Here's to a lifetime of looking like a couple Tim Burton thought up in a fever-dream.  

Tim Tebow Wants to Stay a Virgin

Tim Tebow and Olivia Culpo (former Miss Universe/Jonas Brother girlfriend) have split up because...get this...the 28 year old Heisman winner didn't want to bang the former Miss Universe until marriage.  Now, I totally respect people's religious beliefs, but if I was a 28 year old virgin, and I knew that the person my girlfriend dated before me was a Jonas brother (i.e. vagina haver) I think I would roll the dice on the one.  Even Jesus is shaking his head right now.  Welp, the upshot is that Olivia Culpo is single and apparently horny enough to dump someone.  I'll take my ticket now, please. 

Annnnndd Jesus is shaking his head again.  

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all you loyal readers of Tasteless Entertainment!  This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for all you sexy bitches, and, of course, Miley Cyrus's fake penis.  For Turkey Day dinner, remember, black sweatpants still look like slacks so go all out.  

See you Monday!

Way to Stay Classy Kourtney Kardashian

 

Jesus Christ...how is this guy famous again?

 

Anywho, for some reason, Kourtney Kardashian and French Montana were invited (read: snuck in) to Diddy's birthday party, and because they are all mature adults and parents who are totally viable human beings, Khloe's ex and Kourtney posed together for an Instagram pic meant to tease Scott Disick...Montana posted it, with "where you at?" underneath it addressed to Disick.  So basically this mother of three is pouting in a photo with a known scumbag that used to bang her sister, all to make HER drug addict ex-boyfriend jealous.  It should also be noted that these people are all near or past the age of forty.  So basically, we are all just watching a universe that begs the question: What if trailer trash had money?



Chris Hemsworth is Lookin' Fine

Ugh, I feel so fat-shamed.  Off to my safe space...

 

Above is a super svelte Chris Hemsworth taking a photo before heading off to cheerleading tryouts.  I hope he gets is, you guys, because the other girls are tots bitches and he worked so hard to get in shape.  Actually, I think this is for a movie, but who really watches movies anymore?  Not you, Miss Hemsworth if you want to make varsity this year.  FOCUS! 

Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello Got Hitched

 

The two most attractive people in show business got married in a sexy, lavish affair in Palm Beach.  The wedding included cascading flowers, caviar, a set by Pitbull, and A-list stars.  In other news, the transmission on my '87 Oldsmobile just blew, so I'm gonna go jump off a bridge. 

 

Congrats, jerks. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY

Miley Cyrus's Fake, Pixelated Dick

 

That's right, world.  This is what's up. 

Presenting...Rose McGowan's Shaved Head

I'm not sure what this is for, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and presume it's a last ditch effort to stay relevant.  I just don't get you, McGowan. 

Kylie Jenner and Tyga End Their Weird Relationship

 

That's right folks, these two morons have effectively called it quits on the rapper's 26th birthday.  There goes the last chance at a relationship for Kylie until her mother or mother/father do what they do best with their kids; suck out their soul and spit it in the nearest basketball player.  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Danny Hanson from Boston Public

 

 

Check it out ladies...Danny Hanson don't take no guff.

Holly Holm is Nicer than Most

 

I'm sure if you're like me, you sat in awe as Ronda Rousey got her ass handed to her by Holly Holm last Saturday.  A lot of celebs have come out against Rowdy citing her arrogance and bullshit (of course Donald Trump was one of those folks so ya know) but Holly "The Preacher's Daughter" Holm has kept a very graceful distance from the name-calling, letting her skills speak for themselves.  She appeared on TMZ Sports to defend the fallen champ, which in my book is fucking classy considering Ronda was a capital C Cunt to her the day before, and during the fight.  Props to you, Miss Holm, for David and Goliathing the shit outta Rousey and then staying classy as shit.  

Charlie Sheen's Interview

Click above to see Charlie Sheen's exclusive sit-down with Matt Lauer.  It's pretty depressing and a tad incoherent.  So, ya know, Happy Tuesday.  Oh yeah, and apparently he's gonna cure AIDS.  Go for it Charlie! 

Charlie Sheen Has HIV

Shocking and sad news about Charlie Sheen...the actor apparently has HIV.  Via People:

 

Charlie Sheen is going on the Today show to discuss being HIV-positive, sources tell PEOPLE.

According to top Hollywood publicist and crisis manager Howard Bragman, he was approached by people close to Sheen six months ago to deal with the crisis, but never dealt with him directly. "The interview could open up a lot of sympathy for him, but he has to be concerned about a fear of litigation from former sexual partners. You don't take that lightly."

Bragman says he was informed that Sheen "is getting treatment, and a lot of people in his life know about it."

"It's been going on for quite awhile. He's not necessarily comfortable talking about it. It was very hard to get up the courage for him to talk about it."

"I've known about this a long time, it's not a surprise to me," says Bragman of the news (which was first reported by the National Enquirer). "I feel very sorry for his pain. And I hope it's used as a teachable moment for the world. This is a disease that can affect anyone."

The actor, 50, has long struggled with substance abuse and has admitted to soliciting prostitutes in the past.

His volatile personal life was reportedly behind his public feud with Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and subsequent departure from the CBS sitcom, and his unpredictable behavior has frequently been a wedge in his contentious relationship with ex-wife Denise Richards, the mother of his two daughters (he has twin boys with his third ex, Brooke Mueller).

In recent months, Sheen has seen had many ups and downs, including his 50th birthday, both blowouts and celebrations with Richards, drug dependency accusations from his former Two and a Half Men costar Jon Cryer, a brief hospitalization from food poisoning and even a flirtation with a run for public office.

When reached by PEOPLE, Sheen's longtime publicist Jeff Ballard said they are no longer working together. "We had a disagreement how to handle a situation and we parted ways. We have had a 35-year friendship and I love him. I wish him nothing but the best."

 

 

Wow...heavy news.  Stay strong, Charlie. 

We Stand with France

 

 

Lindsay Lohan is a Sick Fuck

Uhm...I so don't know where she was going with this but everyone's favorite crackhead Lindsay Lohan dressed up as Sharon Tate and Instagrammed a bunch of nonsense...oh and of course on Charles Manson's 81st birthday.  I'm not sure if this is a weird homage to a  murder victim or what but look out for her Nicole Brown costume, coming this July 9th!

Farrah Abraham is Pregnant Again

That's right folks, because we are living in the end of days, Teen Mom star turned terrible writer turned porn "star" Farrah Abraham is once again going to spawn.  Be a porn star, be a reality star, hell be the leach on society you were born to be...but I'll be goddamed if she is gonna bring another child into this world and that child think for one second that the vagina he rolled out of belongs to a writer.  That, madam, is some straight up bullshit.  Carry on.

Well Goddam, Charlie Brown

So up there is Peter Robbins, who voiced the beloved Charlie Brown character in all sorts of Peanuts specials.  Now for the fucked up part: this dude has pled guilty to making all sorts of death threats...including a San Diego sheriff.  You can read the whole story HERE.  What a blockhead.  

Gavin Rossdale was Banging the Nanny

In true rich white guy fashion, Gavin Rossdale was sleeping with his nanny for years, which is what caused the breakup of his marriage to Gwen Stefani.  Round of applause for the Gavmeister for pulling off the cliché most douche bags only dream about.  Now, he can join the ranks of Ben Affleck, Jude Law, and all of the Upper East Side of Manhattan. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Principal from Parker Lewis

 

 

If she was my principal, high school would have been a lot more interesting. 

Vivica A. Fox May have Outted 50 Cent

Damn Fox!  On Nov. 9th's episode of Watch What Happens Live Ms. Vivica basically called ex-boyfriend 50 cent gay, insinuating that he is with Soulja Boy.  After some faltering, she goes on to say he is merely "confused" but watch the clip above and tell me he didn't ask for butt stuff when they were dating, I dare you. 



Caitlyn Jenner's Penis was at Glamour's Women of the Year Event

 

Here is Caitlyn Jenner accepting an award for...I don't know...most self-serving bullshit artist of the year? at Glamour's Women of the Year event.  All I can say is this: I only read Glamour when I'm in my mom's bathroom and need to feel guilty about oppressing women and/or want some super cool Pintrest inspiration (I call it Pinspiration), but I'm kinda disappointed in Glamour for giving this fame whore a weird trophy when there's gotta be at least fifty other more deserving ladies.  Then again, this is a magazine that prides itself on telling women it's okay to be fat as long as you wear the right tablecloth to cover it up, so I'm not that surprised.  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Cassie Glen

 

Totally rockin' superstar extraordinaire...you're welcome.

Seriously guys, check out First Period on Netflix.  It's amazing. 

Lamar Odom Doesn't Want Khloe Around

 

MMmmkay, here's the latest on what is starting to be looking a lot like a publicity stunt gone too far for the announced Lamar Odom reality show: Khloe Kardashian is trying to do her best June Carter impression by controlling who visits Lamar in the hospital.  She even turned away his own children, according to reports.  

Okay here's the thing...fuck everyone involved in this circus.  Fuck the drug addict who overdid it at a brother, fuck the Kardashian gypsy circle, and fuck the media (myself included) who made them fucking famous.  Also...fuck you, O.J. Simpson Trial...I'm pretty sure this can all be traced to you.   

These Two Idiots Broke Up

 

So apparently Gigi Hadid (who honestly?  I've got no idea) and former thirteen year old girl masturbation mascot Joe Jonas have broken up.  Anyone want some gross recycled reality show water trash?  Because it's back on the market and stinkier than ever!

Here is What Heidi Klum Wasted Thousands on This Halloween...

Now, I don't begrudge anyone Halloween cheer...I mean why should I be annoyed that a 42 year old woman who got rich from posing and pretending to understand fashion design can easily drop nine hours of time and tons of money to dress up for a day when I can barely afford my student loans?   Nope not pissed at all.  My homemade Oscar the Grouch costume went over just fine.  Oh who am I kidding...I live in a garbage can.  

Fred Thompson has Died

Fred Thompson, former U.S. Senator, Republican presidential candidate and beloved actor has passed away at age 73.  He was a longtime lawyer and politician before becoming a familiar face on Law & Order.  Rest in Peace, Senator.