HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Harry from 3rd Rock 

More than just a transmitter to me.

Here Ye Here Ye...I Have an Announcement

 

Okay, so I've been toying with the idea of adding original content to our humble blog...you know, like pop culture lists and fun shit like that.  Basically, stuff that any 80's-90's kid would appreciate...and plus it gives me somewhere to put my thoughts when I'm high.  So in addition to celebrity lampooning, you will also be able to take a peak inside the scary space where monsters jerk off that is my brain.  I'll try to kick it off next week if I can find time between running my therapy practice and also running my hotel in Vermont.

Chelsea Handler's Flabby Ass is Now Claiming Bill Cosby Tried to Rape her and that she "Forgot" Until Now

Ugh...wouldn't touch with a dead hobo's dick...

 

 

Okay, so here's the scoop of the queen of sad sixty-year olds's latest line of bullshit via Fox News:

 

“…He tried to Cosby me,” she told the magazine. “Oh, I was in Atlantic City playing, doing stand-up, and he was doing stand-up in Atlantic City in the same hotel, and at like three o’clock in the afternoon, someone from the hotel came down and said, ‘Oh, you know, Mr. Cosby would really like to meet you up in his hotel suite.’ And I thought, ‘That’s really weird.’ This was like ten years ago. And I said, ‘That’s really weird. I don’t want to go alone.’ I go, I don’t know him. So the three guys I was with—thank God these guys were with me. One was filming and one was like a producer; we were filming something— I brought them up with me to his room and thank God I did, because now I know what would’ve happened if I went up there alone. And I forgot about it when all the stories about Bill Cosby came out. I was like, I didn’t even think of it. Then my friend texted me the other day saying, ‘Do you remember that night we went up to, or that afternoon we went up to Bill Cosby’s and you were so freaked out you made us come with you?’ And I said, ‘Yeah,’ and he said, ‘Hello! You could’ve been one of his victims if we weren’t there.’ And I went, ‘Oh my gosh . . .’ Yeah, so yeah, he’s guilty… I think it’s pretty obvious now.”

 

Okay, first of all, this bitch is basically taking a totally benign story and trying to use it against a man who HELLO HASN'T BEEN CHARGED WITH SHIT CUZ LET'S FUCKING FACE IT THESE HOES ARE LYING!  Second of all...we are expected to believe that this sad shell of a mummy "forgot" when a man supposedly hit on her?  Trust, Chelsea Handler is the type of bitch who will tell anyone who will listen about any man contact her flabby self gets.  P.S. Fifty Cent, the fuck were you thinking??

 

Sorry for the harshness but really I'm not because fuck Chelsea Handler, who by the way only got to where she is because guess what?  SHE FUCKED THE HEAD OF E! of and how do I know?  BECAUSE SHE FUCKING TOLD EVERYONE!!

 



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Jasmine from Friends

 

That's right...you know you remember her...

Madonna is Crazy and Maybe Racist? I Don't Know...

 

But we do know that she would "be invited to the White House if she were married to Jay-Z."  At least according to her 25 things we didn't know about her for Us Weekly.  Listen Madonna, the reason you're not invited to the White House is because you're an inhuman succubus, not because you're not married to Jay-Z, oh and because I'm pretty sure you're John Wilkes Booth, and you know...fool me once, right?

So Basically Nobody Can Say Anything That Might Offend the Fat and Lazy

 

Okay so basically, Eva Mendes made a very harmless joke about sweatpants being the leading cause of divorce, but since we live in a world where Lena Dunham is celebrated for being gross on camera, there was a huge backlash.  I mean this is getting fucking ridiculous people.  It was a joke...it's ridiculous that we live in a world where there is literally no freedom of speech if it might offend some moron in a pair of Walgreens sweats.

Anywhooo...we applaud Eva and her hilarious Twitter response and let's be honest...sweatpants are stupid.  If anyone read this blog we would be in trouble.

Howard Stern is now that Old Guy who Tells you to get off his Lawn

This is sort of old news but we thought it was important to show you the rampant douchery of Howard Stern.

Okay, so in an effort to pretend his show hasn't just turned into a steaming pile of him talking about watching DWTS with his vapid wife, Howard Stern went off on an unnecessary rant about podcasts.  Basically he says shit like "you have to prove yourself on terrestrial radio" before building a following, and:

 "I’m still waiting for a guy, a team, a morning show get the kind of numbers I used to rack up on terrestrial radio. And then once you do that you’re a proven commodity."

AND

"That’s what a podcast is. You can sit in your room and pretend you’re on the radio. Pretend you’re broadcasting."

Okay, so this fossil is doing what he does best, comparing every goddam thing in the entire world to himself.  Seriously, if Jesus Christ came in to get interviewed, Howard Stern would somehow liken being crucified to doing terrestrial radio.  And Robin would laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.  

Thankfully, Ari Shaffir took to the unworthy podcast airways to point out the stupidity in Grandpa Stern's arguments.  Hopefully, he'll get over the senility in time for Thanksgiving to hand out racist jabs.  And shit his pants.

Tim Tebow is an Amazing Guy

 

Okay, so it's not really news, but it was just brought to my attention just what an incredible guy Tim Tebow is and I thought we should just give him a little shout out on our humble blog, you know, to break up the dick jokes.  

So hats off to Tim Tebow, who spends a ton of his own money helping sick and handicapped kids, and almost made Brendan Shaub cry with his awesomeness.  Anyway, check out his charity, the Tim Tebow Foundation, and feel super bad about yourself because let's face it, this guy is an angel. 

Anyway, back to our normal banter...anyone see boobies today? 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mr. Hat


 Who wouldn't want to stick their hand up there?

The Rundown

 

Hey guys, sorry it's been a while but Gotham doesn't protect itself-er uhm, I mean staplers, I've been busy with staplers.  

Here's the rundown of all the fun shit that's happened the past few days, in a condensed little soup can for your comedy pleasure.

-Kanye West tweeted naked pics of Kim Kardashian to show how lucky he is, because that sex tape she's famous for didn't do a good enough job of showing what a catch she is.

-Gigi Hadid may or may not have snorted cocaine on Snapchat...I have literally no idea what any of those words were.     

-Kathy Griffin left Fashion Police because...oh wait, nobody gives a fucking shit about Kathy Griffin.

There is probably a ton more shit that I've missed but not to worry, I will be back on schedule within the next week.  Just don't go to another low-budget blog in the meantime, okay?  Promise?

 

Lindsay Lohan Fails on Instagram, Which is a Nice Change for Her

 

In a sad Photoshop attempt to make her butt look bigger (wavier?) Lindsay Lohan only managed to make herself look all kinds of dumb in the picture.  Of course, captioned the photo with:  “My feet look red lol - had to take that out. Only real red is my hair,”  This is so sad, not only because of the obvious Photoshop job, but because it doesn't even make her ass look that much bigger-I mean, go big or go home, right?  Actually, Lindsay-just go home.  Go home and take a long hard look at yourself and maybe go ahead and get that degree from University of Phoenix Online, because you know what?  You deserve it.

Chloe Sevigny Doesn't Like Jennifer Lawrence

Independent movie mainstay and probably very smelly woman, Chloe Sevigny, does not care for Jennifer Lawrence all that much, calling her "too crass" and "annoying", amid a host of other pretentious observations about actors in show biz today during a V Magazine interview.  While she may have a point about JLaw being annoying, didn't Chloe Sevigny blow a guy in a movie for reals?  Yes, yes she did.  It was called Brown Bunny...check it out or be like the rest of America and say "yeeach, not for me."   

R.I.P. Sam Simon

 

We are huge, huge Simpsons fans over here at Tasteless, so we are very sad to report that Simpsons co-creator and all around genius, Sam Simon has passed away after a heroic battle with colon cancer.  This is a huge bummer, and the world is a little less funny today without him, but heaven just got hilarious.  Rest in Peace, Mr. Simon. 

Welcome to your Nightmare

 

Seriously, what the fuck is this?  It looks like the cover of one of those cheesy horror novels where the tagline is something like: She'll steal your heart...and then your soul.  For real guys-make it stop because I literally JUST got rid of my night light.

Chelsea Handler Got Her Boobs Done



 

So basically, Chelsea Handler got her boobs done before her 76th  40th (really? ) birthday because she's "terrified of looking saggy".  She has also taken to oversharing topless photos of herself because she is "obsessed" with the results.  There you have it ladies, the woman comic you all look up to is basically just a sad girl with body issues, forcing naked pictures of herself down your throat to distract from the fact she is just not funny.  Oh, and we should also all remember the only reason she got anywhere is because she was sleeping with the head of E!, so ya know, aim high girls.  

And Here is a Blonde Khloe Kardashian, So ya Know

 

Sorry for the slow news day, but it's hard running an interior design firm with my wacky friends and thrice married baby sister always getting into hilarious trouble.  And then there's Anthony always picking up the pieces or dressing like a cleaning lady.  Ah, good times.  

If any of you got the Designing Women thing, can we be friends?