Missing Those Nostalgia Boners? Well Here's the Cure...

 

Hayden Panettiere is Pregnant With This Guy's Baby…Ouchie

Hayden and her fiancé Ukrainian boxer Wladimir Klitschko are reportedly expecting a child together. 5- foot Hayden and 6-foot-6 Wlad have been together on and off and engage for about a year now. Hopefully for Hayden's sake, the baby will be a wee wlad or wladette. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Pat

So confused by the hotness

Not to Be Judgy, But Anyone With Children Should Not Be Hooking Up With Justin Bieber…Just Sayin'

Guess who Mommy was with last night? Newly single, mother of two, Brazilian model Adriana Lima allegedly gave Justin Bieber the Mrs. Robinson experience in Cannes earlier this month. 32-year-old Lima recently spit from her husband of five years Marko Jaric, and 20-year-old Bieber recently split from reality. Bieber instagrammed the above pic with lyrics from his song "Confident." "I think she foreign, I think she foreign." What a wordsmith.  I think she desperate, I think she desperate.

R.I.P. Maya Angelou

Via The Chicago Tribune:

American author and poet Maya Angelou, who is best known for her groundbreaking autobiography "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," has died at age 86 in North Carolina, her publisher confirmed on Wednesday.

The prolific African-American writer penned more than 30 books, won numerous awards, and was honored last year by the National Book Awards for her service to the literary community.

"Dr. Angelou has passed in Winston-Salem," said Sally Marvin, of Random House.

No other details were immediately available.

Angelou provided eloquent commentary on race, gender and living life to its fullest in poems and memoirs. Her latest work "Mom & Me & Mom," about her mother and grandmother and what they taught her, was released last year.

"She was beyond simply being a writer of autobiography and poetry. I think she transcended the idea of writing and using writing as a transcendence medium to further the individual," Harold Augenbraum, the executive director of the National Book Foundation, told Reuters.

"She was an extraordinary symbol in the United States of what can accomplished using the arts," he added.

This is so sad-Maya Angelou was truly an American treasure, a profound thinker, a champion for women and one of the greatest writers and truth-tellers of all time.  God bless Maya, you were truly the best.

Aaannnnd Here Ya Go

I think the Mayans predicted this...

Happy Memorial Day!

 

For those of you winners who have plans for Memorial Day, and aren't just planning on watching reruns of Sabrina, The Teenage Witch on YouTube, please take a moment and reflect on the fallen soldiers who gave their lives for our freedom.  We can never truly repay them for their service; for being our heroes and our guardian angels, but I offer them a humble "Thank you."

The Big Day!

So today is the day! You two are getting married! This is what it usually looks like when

you already have a child together

the bride has been married twice before

the groom is prone to (possibly alcohol infused) rants

the bride became known because of a sex tape made with Ray J

the groom gets into physical fights with people taking pictures

the wedding won't even be legal

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Willona Woods from Good Times

It's always a great time with this sassy broad!

Still A. Dick

Ay yi yi. Andy Dick who competed on Season 16 of Dancing with the Stars and was a fan favorite, was escorted from the ballroom on Tuesday before the finale. On the show, Dick expressed pride in being sober, after years of pretty much drinking, inhaling, smoking and groping everything. But apparently on Tuesday, sober was not an adjective used to describe Dick.  According to PEOPLE, "he was running in and out of the ballroom every five minutes yelling 'I have to pee!'" and that "within the hour he lunged at a production staffer's breast." Security then told Dick he had to leave to which he replied "Why? Because I'm Drunk?" The only person who should be more embarrassed than Andy Dick for his behavior, is the poor observer who has to describe Andy Dick's behavior to the press.

It looks like Charlie Sheen has Feigned Sanity for too Damn long-Time for a Rant

 

All righty...

 

So apparently, Charlie Sheen took his 24 year old daughter's friend fiancée out for dinner for her birthday (haha no you guys it wasn't at Chuck E. Cheese...grow up) and who else was dining there but Rihanna!  Any snooch...Charlie Sheen sent over a request to the Monster singer for her to meet his child bride and RiRi said no.  Hilarity ensued.  Via Radar Online:

 

Charlie Sheen has a new enemy: Rihanna.
The former Two and a Half Men star trashed the “We Found Love” singer Thursday, calling her a “Village idiot” in an elongated Twitter post after the Barbadian beauty blew off the actor’s request for a quick meet-and-greet as they both dined at Giorgio Baldi in Santa Monica Wednesday evening.
Sheen said he was at dinner with his girlfriend Brett Rossi upon learning the singer was there. (He added that “personally [he] couldn’t pick her out of a line-up at gunpoint.)

The “Diamonds” singer declined Sheen’s request, the actor said, by telling them that there were too “many paps outside and it just wasn’t possible at this time.
“At this time? AT THIS TIME?? lemme guess, we’re to reschedule another random … 11 million to 1 encounter … with her some other night…?”

Sheen, 48, said he personally couldn’t care less that he didn’t get to meet the “Stay” singer, likening a possible pow-wow to “84 interminable seconds of chugging Draino.” (He cracked, “I’m guessing you needed those precious 84 seconds to situate that bad wig before you left the restaurant.”)
But the 26-year-old “Umbrella” beauty’s holier-than-thou attitude rankled Rossi, who Sheen said “was NOT OK with” being brushed off, “Bday or not.”
Sheen continues, “Sorry we’re not KOOL enough to warrant a blessing from the Princess” — “or in this case the Village idiot” — noting that despite his longtime celebrity status, he’s always taken the time to be warm and cordial to fans and industry peers with a show biz etiquette that’s been “established over time to exist radically in concert with a code of gratitude!”
Sheen — who hasn’t been this vitriolic since his infamous falling out with Chuck Lorre — then went in on the singer’s funky look, as she’s currently sporting bright pink tresses.
He wrote, “oh and Riahnna, Halloween isn’t for a while. but good on you for testing out your costume in public. it’s close; a more muted pink might be the answer, as in: none.
“See ya on the way down, (we always do) and actually, it was a pleasure NOT meeting you … clearly we have NOTHING in common when it comes to respect for those who’ve gone before you.”

Fantastic.  So basically, Charlie Sheen has taken on all the qualities of a chubby, obsessive high school girl who is mad at the head cheerleader (or in RiRi's case, I don't know-the naked girl who hangs out with the band kids?) for not saying hi in the cafeteria.  I mean-Jeez Chuckles, you sure know a hell of a lot about her hair for someone who "couldn't care less" about her.  I think he should have gone the route of senile billionaire and consistently mispronounce her name and get her confused with Katy Perry in his tweets.  For example:

"Damn kids today got no respect for their elders.  I was using war bonds to buy my sweetheart supper and that Rwanda didn't want to come and say hello.  It's a travesty I say, consarnit.  Damn kids-aw now my depends are all cold.  Dagnabbit."

You're welcome, America. 



Okay, So this is Happening...

 

According to the internet, Benji Madden and Cameron Diaz are now dating.  Let the message go forth to the commoners of the land.  And be sure to tell the serfs slowly, as they have yet to gain the power of literacy.

Ryan Reynolds got Booed at Cannes; Cried into Blake Lively's Boobs

"Why is my penis so damn sarcastic?"

Via UsWeekly:

Sad Ryan Reynolds! The actor attended the premiere for his latest movie The Captive at the Cannes film festival on Friday, May 16, but after a disastrous screening, he was a no-show for the film's afterparty, a source tell Us Weekly.

The move came fresh off of Reynold's latest thriller getting not-so great reviews. Variety reviewed the film as “a ludicrous abduction thriller that finds a once-great filmmaker slipping into previously unentered realms of self-parody," adding the film "was greeted with a smattering of boos” during the Cannes screening.

The 37-year-old and his wife Blake Lively, who stunned at the premiere in a Gucci strapless gown, instead opted for a "low-key late-night snack,” the source says.

The couple were spotted at Hotel Martinez terrace restaurant around 1 A.M., while the rest of The Captive cast attended the afterparty.

A source tells Us: "Ryan definitely seemed a little on edge. Wouldn't be surprised if he skipped out on his party because the film is getting terrible reviews."

Reynolds "seemed preoccupied on his cell phone" while the duo dined at the restaurant but was still "really affectionate" with Lively, the source adds.

"[It] looked like Blake was trying to cheer him up a few times … she rubbed his arm like she was consoling him and kept whispering in his ear,” the source continues. "At one point, Ryan smiled … and leaned into her for a kiss on the lips."

As someone who is frequently booed...at Barnes and Noble...when I'm not wearing any pants...I can empathize with Ryan Reynolds-oh wait, do I have a beautiful blonde wife to cry at when I'm booed?  NO I DON'T-I TAKE IT LIKE THE PANTSLESS MAN I AM.  Screw you Gary the manager...If I was Thomas Pynchon it would be all like "oohh look at the reclusive genius out for a stroll."  Damn literary politics.

Here's Johnny Depp as Whitey Bulger

 

Haha Bulge-r...like a bulge.  Guess who's sleep-deprived and too tired to type?  Thisguyfgsml;snhvuehtgsdnjhdu

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Unlce Ned from Family Ties

Yeah, he had issues, but he was a fun uncle, and not in a creepy way

34-Year-Old Woman Arrested for Posing as a High School Student

Yeah, that's what happened to me too, I'm just posing as a high school student, it's not like I've been held back for 16 years or anything, that's crazy. Arrest me, please, it would be way less embarrassing that way. Texas woman Charity Johnson, who is either 31 or 34, but definitely NOT 15, was arrested Wednesday for posing as a high school sophomore. the principal of the school said Johnson filled out paperwork with a guardian in October to enroll, and that "she acted like a 15-, 16-year-old. She was an attentive student, respectful, did her homework." Maybe she was just going undercover to write an article for the newspaper about what it's like to be a high school student. That's also my excuse.

Beyonce Responds to Solange Being all Psycho-y

 

Via The Associated Press:

 

"As a result of the public release of the elevator security footage from Monday, May 5th, there has been a great deal of speculation about what triggered the unfortunate incident. But the most important thing is that our family has worked through it.

Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family.

The reports of Solange being intoxicated or displaying erratic behavior throughout that evening are simply false. At the end of the day families have problems and we're no different. We love each other and above all we are family. We've put this behind us and hope everyone else will do the same."

Oh good, a nice vague statement that basically says nothing except that there was an "incident".  Here is what we had hoped to see...

-"Solange was all pissy and shit cuz who knows she poppin pills lika a mother fucka."
-"She's Solange and I'm Beyonce...case closed."
- "Jay-Z cheated! Nobody plays Beyonce like that."  H-town and all that. Tut, tut, Cheerio."
-"Hemorrhoids."

So what I'm saying is that anything, absolutely anything would have been a more satisfying explanation. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Nikki Coleman from Good Morning Miss Bliss

Hottest tomboy in the mid-west.  

Also-we dug this up from Cracked...hilarious: http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/why-saved-by-bell-all-dream-conspiracy-theory/

Searching for Sugarman Director Found Dead

 

Via CNN:

 Malik Bendjelloul, the Oscar-winning director of "Searching for Sugar Man," died suddenly on Tuesday, police said. He was 36.

No crime is suspected in the filmmaker's death, Stockholm Police Sgt. Janne Gyllstedt told CNN.

Gyllstedt would not specify the cause of death and said he was unable to disclose any additional information.

"Searching for Sugar Man," Bendjelloul's critically acclaimed film about singer Sixto Rodriguez, won an Academy Award for best documentary last year. The documentary tells the story of Rodriguez, a singer from Detroit who never gained fame in America but became -- somehow -- a legend in South Africa.

"This is the best story I ever heard in my life," the director said of his decision to make the movie.

Very sad...our thoughts and prayers are with his family.  God Bless.

Jesus Christ...

"Stop and Smell my Farts...teehee."

Above is  Kim Kardashian's ass posing in front of a wall of roses that were given to her by Kanye West for mother's day.  This is in a series of fart-sniffing photos taken by the Special Olympics participant award winners, and they also included their offspring as well as Kylie Jenner.  

"Tear down this wall...oh and give the broad in front of it a backhand from the Gipper." -Ronald Reagan's ghost.

99 Problems and a Bitch is One...

 

 

Okay that headline was stupid easy...

 

So apparently at the Met Gala last week, Solange Knowles lost her shit at Jay-Z in an elevator and started to attack him while her sister Beyoncé looked on like a character from Ordinary People, never really helping her sister or her husband and just vacantly adjusting her dress.  A body guard had to man the crazy sibling while she tried again and again to dismember Jay-Z...ya heard?  Click here  to see the full footage from the excruciatingly long elevator ride. 

 

ed. note: As of press time (lunchtime at my desk followed by last night's episode of The Simpsons) there is no word on what caused the attack, but my spidey sense is telling me there will probably be a divorce soon.  And I'm not talking about Jack in payroll...everyone knows his wife is giving it to the copy guy but they'll work it out-they always do.

 





HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Graham Norton

Hijinx and hotness all in one…sign me up!

Sherri Shepherded Out of Her Marriage

It pains me to give you this news, but yes, I occasionally do watch The View co-hosted by Sherri Shepherd. I remember just 3 years ago, she was so excited for her wedding where she would be marrying her second husband Lamar Sally, showing various stages of planning and whatnot. Well, now that marriage is kaput! Sally filed for legal separation, and full custody of their unborn child who the couple is expecting via surrogate--talk about complicated!! According to TMZ, Sally is expected to file for full on divorce in 3 months. In California, where the docs are filed, you can only file for divorce after residing there for 6 months, Sally has only been there 3. Wonder what went wrong, or maybe the better question is, what ever went right?

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Beaty McDouchenozzel Gets 131 More Days in Prison

 

After confessing to violating parole, Chris "She Walked into a Door" Brown will be residing in prison for another 131 days.  I can't think of a joke to close this out on...there's no "punchline"-get it?  HAHAHA...  Wait...what do you mean I'm fired?  I created this...okay, okay, I'll go quietly.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Barry Melrose

The unofficial mayer of HockeyTown, and ToonTown

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket, or Are You Just Freakishly Excited?

Kate Hudson is smiling so big at

               a) shiny bright lights

b) a mirror

                                              c) nothing. She has a condition you know

Finally! Shia LaBeouf Looks Normal!

Have you seen him lately? This outfit almost makes you feel okay having him babysit your kids, minus the rope thing.

What the Fucking Fuck?

 

"Hahahahaha pedophilia is such a quaint delight."

Okay, so what you are seeing above is a photo of 20 year old Moises Arias and 13 year old Willow Smith laying in bed together.  Now, I have no fucking clue who Moises Arias is except for the fact that he is a person who stupidly takes topless photos of himself with young pretentious teenagers and then posts them for the world to see and her equally pretentious parents to defend.  SoooooOOOooooOOoo douche?  Yeah he's a douche.

Ch-Ch-Check This Out

 

If you guys have a Roku and want to check out our favoritest person in the world hosting an awesome show with special guests, tips, and all kinds of other fun treats, check out the HerTube channel on Roku, under The Young and the Tasteless and enjoy away!  You can also see on Hertube.tv on the interwebs.  Or you could not, and risk a lot of bodily harm to us at the hands of Kathleen Uhm-nobody, nobody will hurt us if you don't watch *she's right behind us...on my signal, run like the fuckin wind out of Kim Kardahsian's ass*

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mr. Mackey

 

He's super hot Mmkay?

Ah the Flamboyancy...

 

And here is Kim Kardashian's hollow soul and her date, the Penguin and/or a character from Gosford Park, I haven't decided yet-farting up the Met gala.  Other people wore stuff too...so here's a late rundown of it all for you to enjoy while drawing penises over their faces on your computer screen:

 

 

 

 

AND THESE TWO....WAH WAH WAAAAAHHHHHH

Farrah From Teen Mom was a Bad Example

 

Oh right...because all of the other pregnant teenagers were what?  Role models for today's youth?  Modern day Susan B. Anthony/Amelia Earhart combinations?  They were, right?  Via UsWeekly:

The show may go on -- but this time without Farrah Abraham. Two years after they signed off from MTV's Teen Mom, Maci Bookout, Catelynn Lowell, and Amber Portwood are negotiating a return to the series for a potential fifth season. One person who will not be making an appearance, however, is Abraham, whose porn career and other headline-making antics have isolated her from the rest of the group.

A source reveals in the new issue of Us Weekly that MTV execs "willingly cut Farrah" from negotiations, in part because, as Us reported back in March, the three other alums refused to do the show if she did. "MTV agreed," the insider says. "They feel she set a bad example and doesn't 
 represent the network well."

I love how the network that not only glamorized teen pregnancy, but also threw together a bunch of drunken rejects from the free clinic and shoved them into a New Jersey beach house now all of a sudden have a sense of moral obligation.  Would this have happened to Daria, MTV?  WELL WOULD IT HAVE????? 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Dick Solomon from 3rd Rock From the Sun

Too hot for the obvious dick joke, let's just appreciate this hot piece!

Oh Look, Grandma is still Banging that Nerd

 

Yeesh...

While I guess this isn't the most offensive sport-related story this week, I still wanted to share this picture of Susan Sarandon and her 12 year old boy toy at a hockey game.  There is only one crime here, however-and that is the fact that Huggy Bear is now walking around hatless. Shame on you Sarandon.