BREAKING FOR THE WEEKEND...SEE YOU GUYS TUESDAY!

 

I'm breaking a little early for the July 4th weekend because suck it, that's why.  Haha you guys I'm tots playing around with you, like how a cat plays with yarn.  I'm horny is what I'm saying.

Johnny Depp is Doing Just Fine, Thank you very Much

Johnny Depp is back and mohawkier than ever.  The escaper of Frigid Cunt Mountain made a stop at The Comedy Store in L.A. to just be Johnny, I guess.  Kudos to you, Deppy.  Let that freak flag fly out of Tim Burton's hair. 

Kanye West's New Video Horrifies and Creeps

That's right, Kanye West's video, Famous, has come out on Tidal and is hard as hell to find, but if you really want to know what you're missing, here's the nuts and balls of it.  Basically, it was shot like a snuff film and features several famous scroti, tits, and the terrible mess that constitutes Caitlyn Jenner's body and are mostly digitally placed.  I think-this world is scary and new to me.  Are you the nurse?

Dana White Denies $4.2 billion Sale of UFC, Which For Sure Means it's True

 

Bond villain and Michael Chiklis impersonator Dana White is still denying rumors that the UFC is for sale, which is what ESPN reported a month ago.  So gear up, UFC fans cuz this shit is gonna be turning Japanese in no time. 

Selma Blair Had an Outburst on a Plane

Well this is weird...

A seemingly in her right mind Selma Blair was having a grand old time in Mexico with her ex-husband and four year old son, but when she hit the air on her Delta flight, she apparently also hit the limits of sanity and lost all her damn shit.  Via MSN:

An official close to the situation told PEOPLE that Blair "was met by paramedics at LAX as soon as her plane arrived," who removed her from the aircraft on a stretcher after witnesses reported to TMZ that she started to cry during the flight, as she spoke about fears regarding an unnamed male after allegedly mixing wine and medication.

"He burns my private parts. He won't let me eat or drink," she reportedly stated. "He beats me. He's going to kill me."

The source also confirmed that it seemed "she had taken a combination of prescription medication with alcohol," but that it was unclear "what sort of prescription medications."

Fantastic.  It's good that she has a child because this is clearly a woman who can handle taking care of another life.  Like, seriously, is anyone looking into that?  I mean, if Cracky-Sue down the block pulls this shit, the gov'mint gone done take her baby but with Selma Blair it's like-aww...here's hoping she feels better...sheesh, says I...sheesh and sheesh again.

Anton Yelchin, 27, Dies in Car Crash

Very sad news here.

Anton Yelchin, best known for playing Chekov in the Star Trek movies has died at the age of 27.  Authorities say that that Yelchin stepped out of his car at his home when the car slid backwards and pinned him against a brick pillar and a security fence.  Yelchin's tragic death is one of many this year of people that we did not want to say goodbye to. 

R.I.P. Ron Lester

Ron Lester, who stared most famously as Billy Bob in Varsity Blues has died of liver and kidney failure at the age of 45.  This dude was larger than life and seemed like just a genuinely awesome human being.  Rest easy, Ron.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Greendale Human Being

 

You can't get much more politically correct or HOT!

Mila Kunis Pregnant with Second Child

 

It seems that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis will be welcoming another child to the world, which is a bit of good news following a week of "fuck, the world is a dark fucking place and we are all doomed."  Anywhoseville, while these two are all "mature" and "having kids" I have been keeping myself quite busy with this paper clip chain that I started back in February.  This baby is a champion and totally not "a waste of company time and resources."  Psshh...people be jealous of the guy with the chain. 

Lil Wayne Hospitalized with Multiple Seizures

According to reports, Lil Wayne had to be hospitalized in Omaha following multiple seizures aboard his private jet.  He had ingested an ungodly amount of "lean" (see: syrup/sizz-urp/Promethazine-Codeine mix) before the seizures.  He is stable and in good spirits. 

Well, this certainly puts my addiction into perspective.  *puts bejeweled pimp cup in curio cabinet* Goodbye old friend.  We had some good times-remember at grandma's 90th birthday?  How we thought the cake was full of jackrabbits and tried to dive in to cuddle them?  Ahh...'worse day ever' my ass, cousin Jill-you jealous cunt.

#PrayForOrlando

And the world.  Please pray for an end to the violence.  Let's not politicize the horrific events, but let us not forget how easy it was for a psychopathic, pathetic, imbecile who was on an FBI watch to legally obtain the firearms that claimed the lives of 49 innocent people.  I want to apologize to them, and their families on behalf of the backwards laws that this country still vehemently tries to defend.

Please Love

The shooting death of 22 year old Christina Grimmie and the absolutely horrible events at Pulse nightclub this morning show that this is a terrible, dark time.  The only way we can possibly overcome this type of darkness is to pray and love one another.  Please, just love.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mr. Belding's Brother

I would go on a crazy field trip with this cool Belding.

Oh This is Fucking Delicious

Bi-sexual celebrity succubus Amber Heard may be trying her damndest to paint Johnny Depp in an Ike Turner light but it turns out that this whole fiasco is turning into a pot calling the kettle abusive situation.  According to court docs, Heard was herself arrested for domestic violence in 2009 against her girlfriend at the time, Tasya Van Ree.  Heard was booked for misdemeanor domestic violence.

Now, I'm not saying Johnny Depp is blameless here.  I mean, he did hook up with this mess, but hopefully this puts the whole thing into perspective...like the perspective that marrying a twenty-something who looks like she has major daddy issues maybe isn't the best way to usher in your fat Brando years. 

What the Fuck is Going on with Richard Simmons??

Okay, so the reclusive fitness guru has been exhibiting some weird behavior this past year.  From calling into shows assuring us that he is okay to maybe being held hostage by his housekeeper to being hospitalized for odd behavior, this bitch is cray.  The latest buzz on his hospital stay?  Dehydration of course.  Click HERE for more of the crazy.  And here's hoping everything works out well for Richard. 

Kimbo Slice has Died

Famed backyard brawler turned MMA fighter, Kimbo Slice, has died at the age of 42 from unknown causes at a Florida hospital.  Many recall Kimbo's meteoric rise from street fighting sensation to UFC fighter, finally coming to rest with the Bellator organization. 

Rest easy, gentle giant.

 

Amy Schumer Goes Pantsless for Gun Control...Makes Me Want to Shoot Myself

 

Okay first of all, I am COMPLETELY in favor of gun control but come on Amy Schumer.  Nobody needs to see your sucked in muffin top to get the point that you don't like guns. I mean, seriously, you're actually making gun control look bad...or at least pudgy.

R.I.P. Muhammed Ali

Boxing legend and ultimate champion Muhammed Ali has died at the age of 74.  Ali proved that an incredible athlete could also be quick-witted, hilarious, and otherworldy levels of clever.  Rest in peace, Champ.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Tommy Fucking Wiseau

 

A hottie very close to my heart.  This dangerous, unhinged, amazing, hilarious nutfuck is just...everything. Do yourself a favor and get stoned as fuck and watch his 2003 masterpiece, The Room.

These Two Idiots Are No Longer Banging Each Other

 

So Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris (who I swear to God I thought was a cartoon character) are no longer having skinny white people sex (read: tapping nipples while looking at Pintrest).  Honesty, no judgement here but has anyone ever thought about the sheer amount of caked on STD's Swifty is probably rocking in her lady hole?   I mean, def not enough to send me packing, but still girl, you did bang a Kennedy...so ya know...call me. 

 

So It Looks like Amber Heard May have been Lying all Along

Okay honestly I don't know what else to expect from an unstable, sometimes bisexual quasi-star but it looks a little suspicious that Amber Heard did this, according to TMZ: 

 Amber Heard is not going through with her promise to belatedly file a police report ... because she says she still loves Johnny Depp and "doesn't want to bury him" ... so say sources connected with Amber.
As we reported, Amber's lawyer, Samantha Spector, vowed Tuesday Amber would file a police report because she was being trashed in the media, thanks to Johnny and his team.
We're told Amber has now had a change of heart, saying she believes a police report would trigger an arrest and prosecution, and she doesn't want to set the wheels in motion for People vs. Depp.
Sources connected with Johnny scoff at Amber's sympathy, saying she timed the allegations to hurt his new movie, "Alice Through the Looking Glass," which tanked.
Heard claims she still loves the man she now says repeatedly brutalized her.  

Huh...okay, so her evil plan of destroying a seemingly terrible movie has succeeded, evil genius that she is...but seriously, can she be more of a Disney villain right now?  Vacuous blonde with vacant eyes destroys a man-child's life of playing dress-up for millions of dollars.  It writes itself, and shall be called Boob Avengers VI: The Curse of the Shining Nipple.  You are welcome Hollywood.  Or Dollywood.  Whoever gets back to me first.