It's Friday, So Here is Amanda Bynes On a Trampoline

 

Because calling every celebrity ever "ugly" on your Twitter can get mighty tiresome, Amanda Bynes wandered into Buffalo, and proceeded to spray her crazy all over a trampoline class.  Besides getting knocked over by an instructor, and failing to follow the rules of the class (I know, there are trampolines classes now?  What the Whaaa?) she also proceeded to deny the fact that she was in Buffalo to somebody talking to her-while in Buffalo-like literally, someone asked her why she was in Buffalo, and she answered with "we aren't in Buffalo."  I know it's not surprising, but Jeez...

 

To be fair though, Amanda Bynes does seem to think she has the power to not only morph into a black stripper, but also to warp time and space.

 

AMANDA: "By Thor's Hammer, we are now in Detroit!"

PHOTOG: "Ah, no Ms. Bynes we're still in Buffalo."

AMANDA: "Aw dammit.  And that's Captain Planet to you, fiend!"

Philip Seymour Hoffman Went to Rehab

 

Via USA Today:

 

"Philip Seymour Hoffman has just finished a 10-day stint in a rehab program for a drug problem that included snorting heroin.
TMZ is reporting that the actor, 45, struggled with substance abuse in the past, but had been clean for 23 years. More than a year ago, Hoffman, who won an Oscar in 2006 for his work in Capote, fell off the wagon.
He tells TMZ it started slowly, with prescription pills. But it grew until Hoffman was snorting heroin. After a week or so of that, says the site, Hoffman checked himself into a detox facility on the East Coast. He checked out last Friday (May 24) after 10 days."

Now, I was told to be nice about this story, because drug addicts need hugs too.  So, uh-keep on truckin' Capote!



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Wolf Blitzer

 

 

Who wouldn't wanna get down with his wolf pack? 

Just Because...

 

I could go the easy route with an "I farted" joke, but this is a blog so classy, Earl Grey tea spurts out of our assholes.  Sooooooo-uh-LOOK OVER THERE!   *looks around, dives under desk and curls into fetus position*

 

"They'll never find me here."



This Looks Like a Healthy Relationship

 

"But daddy, I wanted to be Batman."

 

"Sorry Jaden, Iron Man is better to disguise yourself while with the Jenner spawn."

 

Parents just don't understand.

 

 

Seen above is Will Smith's kid, Jaden, and his girlfriend, Kylie Jenner, whose family, the other day was completely bashed in an interview with Will Smith.  Basically, he said a bunch of big words and alluded to their famewhoring cleverly, then retreated back up his own ass for a few days.  Sooooo-yeah, this looks totally well-adjusted and normal-for all we know, Kylie Jenner probably just thinks she's dating the REAL Iron Man-who is tots more into Kendall, you guys.

 

 



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Church Lady

 

 

Isn't she special?

Adam Levine is a Huge Fucking Douche-Oh, You Already Knew That, You Say?

Because apparently, Adam Levine thinks his pantywaste show The Voice is an accurate microcosm of America, he was heard muttering "I hate this country" into his mic after two of his "team members" were voted off yesterday.   He claims he said it out of "frustration", which must be the same frustration whatever guy he's banging feels when he realizes Adam Levine has no penis-juustt a smooth spot.

 

"Go back to Vaginaslavia you commie bitch."

 

-Dwight D. Eisenhower. 



HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Madison the Mermaid from Splash

She can boil the cold waters of Cape Cod with her hotness

No Jessica Simpson, Do Not Do This to Us Again!

Ughh, we are still recovering from images of your five year pregnancy with your first child. Between you and Kim Kardashian, Maternity clothes are making no sales. Pregnancy is beautiful and all that mumbo jumbo, but lets get a little amish and keep it under wraps.

Finally!

In that relief that's usually reserved for Dr. Kevorkian's patients, UsWeekly reports that Billy Ray Idol and Liam Hemsworth have officially split. Thank goodness, I just don't know how much of their back and forth I can take polluting my glossies on a weekly basis. "They are definitely over," an insider tells the mag. Hey, that's good enough for me. 

Oh Yeah-I Bet Robert Pattinson is Sure Regretting Breaking Up with This Princess

 

It's good to see young women expressing themselves in such a classy, mild mannered way these days.  Sure is nice...

 

 

"And, when all else fails, just flip those fuckers off-grab your crotch if need be, tell them to suck it.  Let your dirty retro tank top wave at the camera as proud flag of douchery."

 

-Eleanor Roosevelt

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Father Guido Sarducci

 

The hottest priest in church.

 



Amanda Bynes is "Suing Everybody"; Take THAT Sanity!

 

Because apparently, Amanda Bynes doesn't know how words work, she is now "suing everybody" including every newspaper ever printed, the NYPD, and Johann Gutenberg for inventing the printed word.  So, ya know, carry on with whatever it is you're doing, people being threatened by Amanda Bynes, because sooner or later, she is gonna forget she's not a tree frog, and just go back up to her hole in that Redwood. 

For the Fallen Soldiers

Memorial Day 5/27/13

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Christine from You Can't Do That On Television

This hot piece can do whatever she wants

In Other News…

Katie Holmes re-enacts her mating ritual with Tom Cruise

Kylie Dorothy Jenner, YOU ARE GROUNDED!

Since your mother doesn't seem to mind that you and your 17-year-old sister consistently post pictures of yourself with your Jenner-tals nearly hanging out, I am taking it upon my myself to put an end to this. When I was 15, I wore a scuba suit with a t-shirt when we had our swim unit in gym class. Now those were sexy photos!

Amanda Bynes Must Think Bongs and Cigarette Butts Can Be Disposed of the Same Way

Oh Lordy, Amanda Bynes is at it again. The 27-year-old former child star turned person having a hard time with sanity was arrested Thursday night for posession of marijuana, tampering with evidence, and reckless endangerment. Bynes allegedly threw a bong out the 36th floor window of her apartment. According to some sources, Bynes claimed she does not do illegal drugs and that it was a vase she threw out of her window, not a bong. For some reason, I think it is a more likely story that Bynes did just randomly throw a vase out her window, then have the presence of mind to actually try to hide incriminating evidence.

R.I.P. Steve Forrest

 

Via The Los Angeles Times:

 

Actor Steve Forrest, best known as the star of the 1970s action drama "S.W.A.T.," has died.

Forrest passed away at his home in Thousand Oaks on Saturday, his family announced. He was 87.
"S.W.A.T.," which aired on ABC for two seasons in 1975 and 1976, was a spinoff of the Aaron Spelling and Leonard Goldberg-produced series "The Rookies." Forrest played Lt. "Hondo" Harrelson, the tough-yet-tender leader of the S.W.A.T. team in a Southern California city. He was best known for his catchphrase, "Let's roll."


A very cool dude-Rest in Peace, Steve.

God Bless.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Bianca from Beverly Hills Teens

The richiest bichiest hottie on the block

Frances Bean Cobain AKA Captain Obvious

Frances Bean Cobain, offspring of Courtney Love and the late Kurt Cobain took to twitter to respond to a tweet from Kendall Jenner, offspring of E! Jenner tweeted on Tuesday, "Just wish things could be easier sometimes mann" We're guessing, maybe she wishes maybe spelling could be easier? To which Cool Beans responded "Oh shh. There are kids on earth abandoned&homeless who forcibly drink contaminated water because clean water isn't accessible" Guess her childhood with Courtney Love has really stuck with her. She goes on to tweet "Oh ya, not to mention CANCER, famine, poverty, draught, disease, natural disasters, Death. Fuck, Humans are so self involved" and then continues with "I'd rather be a scumbag than a fucking idiot" Geez Frances, can you please take the judge's robe off? You and Kendall have a lot more in common than you might think. Like it or not, you are both humans, and you both have mothers who are psychopaths. So, you know, you should be friends.

Memo to Brad Pitt: Forgetting Faces Isn't What Makes You an Asshole, But it Doesn't Help

In addition to further bashing his life when married to Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt tells Esquire he thinks that he suffers from prosopagnosia, known as face blindness. He says that even if he's had a real conversation with someone, he'll forget the person's face as soon as they walk away. "So many people hate me because they think I'm disrespecting them," he tells the mag. He may also have that thing old people get when they repeat themselves, because once again, he talks about how unfulfilled he was at the time of his marriage to Jennifer Aniston. "I spent fucking years off. But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago." Hmm, for someone who laments the time he spent with Jennifer Aniston so much, he sure is doing his damndest to look like her.

Here is Your Dose of Courtney Stodden for the Day

 

 

And I should mention that this picture was taken at Disneyland, for God's sake...

 

 

Seen above is the Dr. Frankenstein of pedophiles, Doug Hutchinson, parading  his monster blow up doll child bride around the amusement park for all the yokels to be confused by. I kid, I kid--she is clearly a forty-five year old transvestite, you guys know how I like to joke around...

 

More power to you creepy guy from one episode of LOST...enjoy the circus (i.e. whatever the hell your wife is rocking in place of a vagina)!

This picture is my favorite!






HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mr. Pool from Sabrina the Teenage Witch

 

 

Smart, frustrated, and surprisingly young for a biology teacher.

Oh Good-Rober Pattinson is Done with the Thing you Should Scrub off Your Underwear

Apparently Robert Pattinson got himself a pickup truck to move his crap out of Kristen Stewart's house, thusly ending his cuckold status. 

 

 Tis a proud day, young Robert, when thou can find the strength to say to the dead-eyed slagathor, 'I am done with thee scallywag!  Please do change the sheets, as the odor can be smelled far and wide, and the serfs are starting to complain.'

 

-Chaucer

 



Justin Bieber isn't Respected by His Peers? Noooooooo

 

Okay, so this is totally late reporting on my part, but I've been in a drunken casino haze for the past few days so cut me a break MOM!  Any snooch, I don't usually watch the Billboard Music Awards, cuz it interferes with my night time ritual of eating cheese and crying, but I heard about Justin Bieber getting booed while receiving the Milestone Award, and I had to check on that.  It's pretty intense booing, as you can check out above-Justin stumbles and looks dazed whilst Cee-Lo (who I think refers to himself as Liberace?) fans himself like a southern dandy waiting for that damn waiter to bring him his mint julep-you would think you could find good help these days...

 

Anyway, if you wanna see a nineteen year old boy get lambasted for receiving an award some dick thought should be given to a nineteen year old in the first place, above would be your spankin' material for the night-quick before it gets taken down, and you're stuck with your uncle's old stiff copies of Home & Garden Hustler.  

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Balki Bartokomous from Perfect Strangers

Foreign guys are always hot!

R.I.P. Ray Manzarek

Following a long battle with bile duct cancer, Ray Manzarek, one of the founding member of classic Rock band The Doors, passed away Monday in Rosenheim, Germany. He was 74. Manzarek was the band's keyboardist, contributing to their signature sound. Manzarek is survived by his wife Dorothy, son Pablo, and three grandchildren. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends.

Bipolar II: The Sequel

                               Honey, I'm Home!                  I'll be in France if you need me

While Michael Douglas is promoting his Liberace extravaganza Behind the Candelabra in sunny Cannes, his wife Catherine Zeta-Jones is finishing up her ongoing treatment for Bipolar II disorder. Douglas tells People Magazaine "She comes home tomorrow. She's doing a really good job of getting balanced. I'm proud of her." Listen, I'm not sure what the difference is between Bipolar I and Bipolar II, and honestly I don't know the difference between Bipolar and having a crazy good day and a crazy bad day on the same day! Do you really have to go to treatment for that?  Where I'm from, we have a saying, "There's nothing a new kitten can't cure."

Pray for Oklahoma

 Monday afternoon, a massive tornado, said to be a mile around completely leveled Moore, Oklahoma, directly hitting two elementary schools. It has been reported that at least 91 people are dead, with 20 children among those confirmed. If you would like to help donate to disaster relief, please visit redcross.org.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Craig Sager

This is what Ballin' looks like

Ashley Hamilton Struggles with Anorexia and Bulimia

And in case you didn't realize it, Ashley is a man. He's also the son of George Hamilton. I guess when your dad is famous for being tan, it must be hard to find your own identity. But, I don't think you want eating disorders to be your legacy. Just sayin'. The younger Hamilton currently has a small role in Iron Man 3 and feels very grateful, at 38, for another chance in Hollywood after being clean and sober for 6 years. "I suffered from bulimia and anorexia," Hamilton tells People Magazine. "I believe it was my problem before I got into drugs and alcohol. I used the drugs and alcohol to control the food addiction…It's almost like drug addiction is totally acceptable to talk about in Hollywood. But food addiction? Nobody wants to talk about that. It's really shameful as a man to have that." Yeah exactly, so if you know what's good for you, keep your yapper shut about what has gone in and out of it! Talk about the drugs man, let's edit the whole eating disorder aspect. Geez! Am I the only one who cares about image in this town?

LeAnn Rimes Sent Brandi Glanville Mother's Day Flowers; Is a Goddamn Lunatic

Because LeAnn Rimes lives in an ether/starvation fueled netherworld, she thought it would be a peachy idea to send mother's day flowers to the woman whose family she all cunted up.  Oh, and then LeAnn Rimes bemoaned the fact she didn't get a thank-you card or anything sent to her...making a psychotically cryptic note on twitter of how "twisted things can get" and how she doesn't put up with it.

Now, I don't really think either of these two women are particularly stellar examples of ladylike behavior, but can LeAnn Rimes get any crazier?  It's past the point of passive aggressive bitchery-we're gonna have the boys in the lab check this out...

beep boop beep

Results are back in...says here that...OH MY GOD...OH NO! GET IN YOUR HOMES AND STAY THERE...SHE LEARNED HOW TO USE SCISSORS!!!!!!

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Mr. Matthews 

The dad you want to babysit for.

Beyoncé Cancels Show, Ergo She's Pregnant, Right?

I don't FEEL good!

Fueling rumors that she's expecting another baby, Beyoncé canceled her Tuesday night concert in Belgium, blaming those old celebrity standbys DEHYDRATION and  EXHAUSTION. Geez, you'd think these people would get enough fluids and sleep. We're professionals people, are we not? Anywho, Bey wrote a letter of apology to her fans in Antwerp, where the concert was to be held, promising she's make it up to them. Yeah, yeah, we heard it all before. Don't you ever for one second go on thinking you're irreplaceable.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Rod Serling from The Twilight Zone

Am I crazy, or is this guy hot?

Mastectomies Are So In!

Thanks to Angelina Jolie, who recently shared in an Op-Ed piece for The New York Times that she had a double mastectomy in two procedures earlier this year because of a faulty gene that increases her chances of cancer, other women are coming forward with their own desire for a mastectomy. CNN's Zoraida Sambolin revealed that she too will have a mastectomy later this month. "This inspired me to talk. When we went into the story, it felt right to share it," Sambolin says of Jolie's piece. Angelina says that she shared her story to inspire other women to consider the procedure since it greatly reduced her risk of cancer from 87% to 5%. Angelina lost her mother, Marcheline to cancer several years ago, and considered her children, she says, when getting the procedure. Gosh Darnit! I don't want to like her, I'm totally a Jennifer Aniston superfan, but you know, it just goes to show that celebrities who look like they have these perfect lives, and bodies and faces, are often anything but. They struggle with real issues just like everyone else, sometimes worse than everyone else. So kudos to you Angelina for sharing something very personal, for knowing what your image represents, and using that to help women facing similar struggles as your own. I guess my cats were right about you.

Adderall? Not At All!

My prettiest mugshot ever!

Lindsay Lohan wants to get the Hell out of the Betty Ford Clinic where she is currently serving a 90 day stint, so she can go to a rehab that's a little more cool about using drugs. Lindsay thinks she should be allowed to take Adderall which she uses for ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). For someone with ADHD, she sure is focused on getting her Adderall back. Betty Ford doesn't allow the drug because it is addictive, and they have found many people just use it to keep them from eating. Lohan, meanwhile has been looking for other facilities to complete her rehab, but sources close to the case don't think the court will go for Lindsay's choice of rehab, Sea World.

R.I.P. Joyce Brothers

Joyce Brothers, known to many as Dr. Joyce passed away Monday in New York City at the age of 85.

Brothers, a psychologist with a doctorate from Columbia was at the forefrunt of advice in the media. She gave advice in print, on radio, and on television.  She first rose to stardom in 1955, after appearing on The $64,000 Question, and becoming the only woman to win the top prize.  Joyce's husband Milton passed away in 1992. Our thoughts and prayers are with her friends and family.

And Here is What Ashton Kutcher is Doing to Mila Kunis

The cutest couple in special ed.  I'm going to Hell aren't I?  I am?  Aw, Audrey from accounting what the hell do you know you stupid face?  What's that?  I don't work here?  Well then, on my way I go AND I'M TAKING THIS COMPUTER WITH MEEEEE!!! 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Uncle Phil had the dough but you know he got the hoes.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Fletch

The smoothest cop we know

Alright Gwynnie, We'll Get on Board With You for a Few Miles

She usually annoys the Hell out of us with all her Goop lifestyle muck, but we actually appreciate Gwyneth Paltrow's recent candor when talking about the Met Gala. While doing an  interview  with Australian radio hosts Kyle and Jackie O. Paltrow did preface her comments saying she was drunk after one martini and drinking with no food, apparently the interview was held over some kind of meal or liquid lunch. Paltrow goes on to say about the Met Gala, "You want me to be honest? It sucked. It seems like the best thing in the world, you always think, 'Oh my god, it's gonna be so glamorous and amazing and you're going to see all these people' and then you get there and it's so hot and it's so crowded and everyone's pushing you." Funny, that's exactly how I felt about lunch the first day at my correctional facility stay, it was so disappointing. Paltrow goes on to express her dislike for the Punk theme. "I think we're all a bit old to dress up punk," she says. And in majorly jeopardizing her street cred, even criticized Kanye West's performance. "Kanye West was playing and he was all furious and he threw his microphone down and it was all drama. I don't know why." Gwyneth, if this is you drunk, we like it. Stay this way.

Posture People! And Puh--lease Watch Where You Are Going!

Taking a cue from Justin Bieber, Kimye is walking around town like second from left on the Evolution of Man Chart. While househunting in Bel Air Friday, Kanye West, blinded by his own anger, or maybe perhaps just a large posterior walked smack dab into a street pole. But Kim rushed to his aid to make him all better. And they trudged on.













Ouchie!

R.I.P. Marge Groening

Margaret "Marge" Groening, mother of The Simpson's creater Matt Groening, and the inspiration for the matriarch Marge Simpson has passed away. She was 94. Matt drew on much of his real life experience when creating the iconic cartoon family. His mother and his father Homer Groening were high school sweethearts. Homer passed away in 1996. Margaret also had three daughters, Lisa, Maggie, and she was predeceased by Patty in January 2013. Our thoughts and prayers are with Marge's friends and family.

This Also Happened

Apparently Classiest Woman Alive, Farrah Abraham has signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment to release the sex tape she made with porn star James Deen for almost $1 million.  I think my favorite thing about this train wreck is this quote right here:

 

Via UsWeekly:

 

"I did not make a porn video," she insisted, adding that she hired a company to find a porn actor for the low-brow project to keep it professional. "I made my own personal video. My personal video does not show any other male's face. He is just like the prop in the background. It's more about me. I'm celebrating my body, and I'm showing my feminine side. This is something that never should have been talked about publicly, because it was something that I personally wanted when I'm older. I want those sexy photos of me of my best year."

Yes ladies, show your feminine side by getting fucked in the ass in a low budget porno.  It's chapter one in Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette, right after how to drink your tea with your pinky up and to always refuse yourself dessert.  Yes, this will be a proud mention in the country club newsletter.   This truly was her best year...not so much for her vagina...it committed suicide-jerk didn't even leave a note. 



Hear Ye, Peasants: Dame Gwyneth Paltrow Shall Cease Attending Met Gala

 

Because Gwyneth Paltrow thinks people should throw a parade when even when she takes an organic, macrobiotic shit, she has revealed that this past Met Gala will be her last...what will the Queen think?

 

Via UsMagazine:

 

"A nation mourns. Gwyneth Paltrow's appearance at the star-packed Met Gala in NYC on Monday, May 6 was apparently her very last. "I'm never going again," Paltrow, 40, told USA Today of the Costume Institute Ball in NYC, where she wore a ladylike, modest Valentino Haute Couture Corolle gown.
The Iron Man 3 star's complaints? "It was so un-fun. It was boiling," she explained. "I did not enjoy it at all."

In  a related note-I just farted.  It was boiling and so un-fun and I did not enjoy it at all.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Rick Moranis

 No explanation necessary

R.I.P. Jeanne Cooper

Legendary Soap Opera Actress Jeanne Cooper passed away Wednesday after being hospitalized for an unspecified illness. She was 84. Jeanne is best known for playing Katherine Chancellor on The Young and the Restless since 1973. She was born in California, and got her start in local theater before getting her big break in film in 1953 with The Redhead from Wyoming starring Maureen O'Hara. She also worked alongside Tony Curtis in The Boston Strangler, as well as Frank Sinatra in Tony Rome. Jeanne was married to Harry Bernson for 30 years. The couple divorced but had three children: Actor Corbin Bernson, Caren and Collin. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family.