I'M GOIN' ON BREAK!

 

Listen up, my beautiful babies, I will be going on break to smoke a ton of weed and dream about all of you chasing me through a meadow because they're my fucking dreams.  But seriously my babies, I will be taking a small break from this dick-joke machine, but rest assured, my ass will be back sooner than you can say "court-appointed-rehab".  

Adriana Lima is Dating Julian Edelman

 

In the grand tradition of VS smoke-shows dating NFL players, Adriana Lima and Julian Edelman are now banging.  In related news, I am a master Jenga player, my mom and grandma some people might even say I'm the NFL-iest of all Jenga players...ladies?

Omarosa is Engaged

 

Grade-A cunt and Satan's bff, Omarosa, is engaged to some poor fool named John Allen Newman.  In an ironic, Poe-esque twist, her new guy is a pastor at Calvary Church in Florida.  I just...I don't know...run, dude.  Just. Run.  

R.I.P. Garry Marshall

 

This is truly sad news...

Iconic director and creator of such pop culture jewels such as Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley has died at age 81.  This guy was a fucking dynamo...he basically WAS pop culture and honestly, I'm gonna miss the hell out of him...rest easy Garry, you've earned it.

Damn, Joseph Kahn

Snap and snap.  Director Joseph Kahn ain't playin when it comes to defending buck-toothed giant, Taylor Swift against Kanye West and whatever bullshit they have going on this week...(it's like get a room already, amirite?)  Any snooch, Kahn is apparently mad that Kanye called Swift a bitch in his latest song, you know, because that SO matters, and went on the defensive on Twitter, saying: 

"Ain't the first time the Kardashians supported the murder of an innocent blonde woman."

Gotta say...super obvious joke, bro, I would have expected more from a pudgy faux-celebrity.  

Drew Barrymore Divorced What's-His-Nuts

 

In "who truly gives a shit" news, Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman have decided to stop having boring, vegan, white people sex and release their terribleness on the world separately.  Big ups to the next people that need to deal with either of them.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!!

Annie's Boobs

 

This furry little thief will never Chang

Charlie Sheen Wants to do the World's Most Depressing Reality Show

 

Is seems Charlie Sheen wants to do a reality show about his life, and living with HIV.  He is reportedly shopping around the idea to producers, who I am assuming are just brooms in wigs that he placed around a table in his hotel room.  I mean, seriously-yikes. 

 

Oh Good, All My Dreams are Coming True

 

Starting and ending with Kate Beckinsale dressed as a giant penis.  I just hate that when she does it, everyone is like "yay for women dressing like penises" and shit but when I dress up as one, everyone is all "what are you doing?" "get out of here" and "sir, this is a funeral."

Pssh...double standards, amirite?

Beyonce and Jay-Z Staying Strictly Street By Going to Wimbledon

 

Here we see Beyonce and Jay-Z doing their part for the black community by attending Wimbledon.   Now, for those of you commoners who don't know, Wimbledon tickets can cost upwards of $20,000...for tennis.  Honestly, Beyonce and Jay-Z are turning more and more into the old rich white couple from Gilligan's Island every day.  You just know they have a lawn jockey and a waiter who they force to wear white gloves. 

BBB to Kylie Jenner's Lip Kits: Your Shit's Weak

Surprise, surprise, an 18 year old can't run a cosmetics company. 

It seems that Kylie Jenner's Lip Kit scam is seriously taking a hit, at least according to the Better Business Bureau, who gave the company a F in customer satisfaction.  According to reports, customers have complained about everything from security breaches to just plain not hearing back from the company after calling. 

Now, I'm sure Kylie Jenner has about as much to do with the officey things of her company as I do, but damn.  This bitch had the opportunity to turn it all around for the Karajenner gypsy clan and she failed.  If I was the youngest member of a family known mostly for sex tapes, bad marriages, and whatever Caitlyn Jenner is now, than I would be like, you know what?  I'm gonna take that job at Walgreens and be the best damn Jenner I can be.  But no...lip kits.