The Oscars: A Terrible Way to Spend Five Hours

Okay here's the deal: last night's Academy Awards was probably the worst of all time.  I'm not joking...this year's bullshit made every other year look like a trip to the boobie factory-something I am convinced exists.  If you didn't get to catch the five hour parade of "let's run the whole #oscarsowhite joke into the fucking ground" then consider yourself lucky. 

Basically, this was a night of awkward silences, crying white people, and a new term: gender confirmation surgery.  Oh, and let's not forget that in the first half hour, someone thought it would e a good idea to trot out a timid looking (yet still gorgeous) Stacey Dash to wish everyone a happy black history month (our girl Miss Dash made some very controversial comments regarding doing away with black history month earlier this year)...so was it supposed to be a joke? A public tarring and feathering?  Whatever it was supposed to be, it was the pinnacle of awkward as Stacey stood there amidst silence and scattered applause, because according to Hollywood, she's worse than Hitler and they are all so far up their own asses that they literally believe they are responsible for the Civil Rights movement. 

It just got worse from there...with the exception of Louis CK's presentation of best documentary short.  Oh and Leonardo DiCaprio won, because it's such a big fucking deal for some reason.  He used his speech time to whine about global warming, but I bet he doesn't use energy efficient fuel for his fuck yacht.  

Essentially, the whole night was made up of back-patting, boredom, and tired jokes.  We get it-the Oscars is soooooo white.  Who the fuck cares, really?  Oh that's right, rich-ass white people who don't actually do anything charitable, unless you count crying.  It's amazing really...watching adults give themselves awards for playing dress-up.  They honestly all looked like retards at the aquarium that night.  So fuck it-here's some pictures. 

   

According to Internet Nutjobs, Katy Perry is JonBenet Ramsey

Why not start your weekend off with a completely insane conspiracy theory?  It seems that the man who made this video, which is taking over the internet on account of its weirdness, thinks that JonBenet Ramsey's murder was a hoax, and the beauty queen grew up to be none other than Katy Perry.  Of course, the whole damn thing is shut down due to the fact that Miss Perry is a whole six years older than JonBenet, but that won't keep this weirdo down.  Peep the video above to see just how much time this man has on his hands.   

Sorry for the Kanye Post

 

Ugh I feel like this blog has officially been taken over by the Kardashians and all their unholy offshoots...touche, Satan.  Anywho, it looks like Kanye West's Tidal bullshit may have completely blown up in his face, costing him $10 million in sales.  Here's the breakdown according to TorrentFreak: The Life of Pablo album has been illegally downloaded 500,000 times already and counting.  Now, I'm no mathemagician, I wish I was, but I have recently found out that this is not a real word-but I can deduce that this may add to his supposed $53 million debt.  I can also deduce that Kim K's ass upkeep far exceedes that amount and we are going to have a national, Hindenburg type disaster on our hands.

Khloe Kardashian Would Like you to Know she is No Longer the Fat One

 

So if you've been on the internet lately, you have probably been inundated with pictures of Khloe Kardashian's half-nekkid ass because she is thin now you guys and every goddam person will know it even if she has to tie them down and force feed her Instagram down America's bloated throat.  

 I mean, I get it...she was the kinda big, ugly duckling of the band of gypsies and murderer-get-offers (jk Rob Sr. you know we love you like Kanye loves spray painted faces on denim) and now she's finally coming into her own in a weird twisted way, so she's all about showing her shit  off.  Go on, Khloe...you be the smartest kid on the short bus and you be it proudly.

This Dr. Luke/Kesha Thing is Gonna Reach Cosby Staus

 

Okay so I haven't been reporting on this as much as I should-because HELLO LAST SEASON OF DOWNTON ABBEY!! But, as I am, first and foremost a man-baby that likes to be dressed in diapers   journalist, here is the simplified scoop: basically Kesha is trying to get out of her Sony contract and has alleged that Dr, Luke (I don't know) drugged and raped her in 2006.  Of course in 2011, she swore under oath that he DID NOT drug and rape her.  SOoOoOOoooo...I don't know-I mean aren't they all just terrible?

 

Well, Yeah...

According to OK! Magazine Caitlyn Jenner is pretty disappointed that the male population hasn't been knocking down her door to take a crack at the old cheese blintz.  So now, the ex-Olympian is going to be auditioning men to play her love interest on her "reality" show, I am Cait.  This...this sounds about right.

Liam Hemsworth Just Saddled Himself With a Future Police Report

According to multiple sources, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus have decided to shit glitter all over the institution of marriage and have gotten hitched.  Congratulations idiots-it'll be a great two weeks.

Please Do Enjoy Kanye West's Ridiculous SNL Meltdown

The Kanye Krazy Train Continues

 

So following a backstage meltdown at SNL, begging Mark Zuckerberg for a loan, and basically just being Kanye, Mr. West has named his children (2 year old North and 2 month old Saint) as creative consultants on his new album.  Actually, this is probably the least selfish and most sane thing Kanye has done all week so kudos to you, gay fish. 

 

Mob Wives Star and Reality Personality Big Ang Has Died at Age 55

 

Larger than life reality star Big Ang (real name Angela Raiola) has lost her battle with cancer at the age of 55.  Via UsMagazine:

Mob Wives star Big Ang died in the early hours of Thursday, February 18, after battling stage IV lung and brain cancer, her friend Vinnie Medugno confirmed via the star's Twitter account, on behalf of her family. The reality personality was 55.

According to Medugno, Big Ang — whose real name is Angela Raiola — passed away at 3:01 a.m., surrounded by friends and family. 
"It is with sad regret that we inform you that at 3:01 a.m. Angela Raiola peacefully ended her battle with cancer, and was called home," the message on Twitter reads. "She was surrounded by nothing but love from her immediate family, and closest friends. YOU, (Her fans) were some of the most special people in the world, and she loved you immensely."

Rest in Peace, Lady-you were one of a kind.

Some Guy Set up a GoFund Me for Kanye West

That's right folks!  Help get Mr. West out of his supposed debt by donating to this GoFund Me abortion.  Or, ya know-don't.

Please Do Enjoy Taylor Swift's Snatch

Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present Her Lady of #FuckYou's surprisingly large vagina.  In other news, I didn't watch the Grammy's because my new Netflix produced Degrassi installment ain't gonna binge itself, so this is pretty much all I got.

Lady Gaga's Bowie Tribute: Watch

Paul McCartney was Denied Entrance into Tyga's Bullshit

PHOTO: TMZ

Okay, so apparently Paul McCartney, Beck, and Taylor Hawkins were denied entrance into Tyga's Grammy Awards after party.  That's right folks, the biggest abortion in music denied three legends entrance into his party, to which Sir Paul said "How much more VIP do we gotta get?" 

I'm glad these three kept it classy, because honestly if it was the other way around, well let's just say every social justice warrior bitch would be crying racism.  By the by...why the fuck would these winners even want to party with that joke?  Seriously, Tyga' only claims to fame are fucking the most surgically enhanced Jenner after Caitlyn and knocking up a cellulite ridden ex-stripper. 

I Know We Should Feel Bad But...Nah

 

Kanye West is apparently $53 Million in debt, according to his Twitter.  I'm assuming he is in such financial peril because of his clothing line, which looks like the shit refugees or Scarlett O'Hara's less skilled sister wear (that joke was for the moms).  But yeah, when it comes to Kanye, Kim, or any of those wastes of carbon, I'll just assume that this is the universe doing something right.  Anywho, I'm sure Kim will come up with a vitamin line for your ass and they'll make their cash back. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Gavin McInnes

 

Magic personified.

Paris Jackson is in AA

 

In true millennial form, Paris Jackson "let it slip" on a ranty Instagram post that she attends AA meetings...which makes me think she is missing the point of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

Actually, I feel pretty bad for the kid.  She was dealt a ridiculous hand in life and of course she's struggling.  I really, truly hope she gets the help she needs and doesn't do anything stupid.  Stay strong girl-it'll be good in a few years.  Well look at me!  Being warm and fuzzy and shit.  That dumb cunt Joan in HR told me I needed to work on my person to person skills but fuck you Joan!  Who's "dangerously unstable" now?
 

Remember Rob Kardashian's Sock Line?

 

Well here is Blac Chyna probably making some wicked skid marks on a pair of Arthur & George socks.  Funny, because literally a week ago I did a Google search for his socks and my internet just shrugged and was like "nah."

 

I Have Mixed Feelings

 

Why is it once Oprah is involved with something, even if it's with Deepak Chopra, it just seems fucking smarmy?  I don't know, maybe this shit is legit but the minute I take weight loss advice from Oprah is the day I wheel out a bunch of chicken meat and then promptly put the weight back on.  Again and again and again and again.

Pauly D Has Found a Proper Cum Dumpster

 

Reality television has-beens and human garbage Pauly D and Aubrey O'Day have found love.  The two celebrities(?) met and fell in cum on the new show by E!, Famously Single.

It always warms my heart to see two people who are off the charts riddled with STD's find the yin to their yang, the halter top to their jean shorts...the Honey to their Boo-Boo.  Good luck you two crazy thirty-somethings who still dress like retarded ten year olds.

I Really Hope This is Real

That's right folks-that is my favorite booze bag, Johnny Depp in a promotional still for The Art of the Deal...which is a Funny or Die produced biopic about Donald Trump.  If this doesn't win him the election then we better just pack up our freedoms now.  Haha I'm just playing-I don't know nothin' about the polly-tix.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Ari Shaffir

 

'Nuff said.

Congratulations Broncos, and Papa John

That's right folks, that there is a tender kiss between Peyton Manning and his sponsor overlord.  Good for you, ya crazy kids...gonna go drink some refreshing Budweiser while you watch your DirecTV wearing Nike brand sweatpants?  I betcha are.

The Cosby Court Sketches are Here

 

And they picture Bill Cosby as an unsettling mix of Dr. Claw and Dr. Evil...with a little V.I.L.E. villain from Carmen Sandiego mixed in.  Remember Carmen Sandiego?  Ahh...simpler times. 

 

Caitlyn Jenner is Probably Chock Full of Shit

 

Fuck!  Another fucking Kardashian-centric post because it is truly the end of days and these people have spread like big assed locusts.  ANYWHO...it seems the Olympian was trying to lady it up back in the 1980's, claiming that he was taking hormones and even had 36B breasts.  Oh, and of course, Kris knew, but for some reason, before 40th birthday he took his boobs out and went back to being the sideshow act we came to love as Bruce.  I don't know...I call straight up bullshit on this whole thing.  Though I must say, it must make Kendall and Kylie feel terrific to know they were conceived by two terribly self-absorbed women. 

Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson: Mannequin Edition

Check this shit out: Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson played mannequin while promoting Zoolander 2 in Italy.  Sure, it's cool when they do it, but when I did it, Sears was all "you can't sleep here, sir-please give us back the sheets...OH GOD NO WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR SHEETS???"



Rob Kardashian is a Ride or Die Bitch

What do you do when your classy ex-stripper cum dump of a girl is locked up in Texas for public intoxication?  Why you drive 20 hours from L.A. to pick her abnormally large ass up!  At least that's what Rob Kardashian did for human petri dish, Blac Chyna.  Our favorite diabetic (sorry Wilford Brimley) dragged himself away from what I can only imagine was a bowl of cookie dough and made the trek because oh me oh my, you can't let a delicate rose like Blac Chyna languish in a holding tank...not when it's cotillion season at the estate.