Amy Schumer Has Been Stealing Jokes...and Cake

Your fat friend's favorite comedian, Amy Schumer is apparently a Mencia-level joke thief, according to several sources.  Not only has she stolen stand-up material from other comics, but her show is riddled with plagiarism...most notably ripping off fellow Comedy Central stars, Key and Peele.  Check this article out to find out what her biggest defender, Joe Rogan has to say about it...and pay attention to the flimsy excuses for her bullshit. 

Bye Felicia!

Miley Cyrus to Star in New Woody Allen Series

 

 All righty...

So it seems that Woody Allen is producing an Amazon series, and he has cast plastic penis enthusiast Miley Cyrus.  The series takes place in the 1960's, and will star Woody himself.  Makes sense...Miley has that dirty Scarlett Johansson thing going on...she's kind of like the off-brand Barbie who has the hair that's okay to cut.  I lost track a while ago of what this post was meant to be about.

BOOBIES!

R.I.P. Abe Vigoda

 

One of our favorites, Abe Vigoda, has died at the ripe old age of 94.  Many will remember him from Barney Miller, The Godfather and Fish, but we will always remember his cameos on Conan fondly.  He was amazing actor who made people smile. 

Rest east, Abe.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson Just Bitch Slapped B.o.B. with Some Science

Someone's been drinking the Tila Tequila...

So rapper B.o.B. went on a bizarre "the world is flat" rant the other day, insisting that the earth must be flat because the horizons are always at eye level, and that the flatness of the earth explains the lack of exploration of the arctic.  Oh, he also said that people don't want him poking around, asking questions because "they" want him to be a "good little rapper".  I'm assuming that "they" refers to the voices in his head, which all sound exactly like Tila Tequila.  Because science is Neil DeGrasse Tyson's bitch, he pulled a little knowledge out and proceeded to humiliate the "once you go flat you never go back" proclaimer with the quiet, reserved, and overall sexy dignity we have come to know and love.  Via UsMagazine

"Earth's curve indeed blocks 150 (not 170) ft of Manhattan. But most buildings in midtown are waaay taller than that," the Cosmos host, 57, directly wrote to B.o.B on Monday. "Flat Earth is a problem only when people in charge think that way. No law stops you from regressively basking in it."
He quipped: "Duude — to be clear: Being five centuries regressed in your reasoning doesn’t mean we all can’t still like your music."

*Mic drop, followed by asthmatic cheering and slutty lady doctors throwing their glasses onstage.*

Rob Kardashian is Dating that Nicki Minaj Doll you left on the Stove

What an unnecessary couple...

 

You heard it hear first-or maybe fifth because God knows I had to dig for this...Rob "Diabeetus" Kardashian is dating the one person who deserves to be less famous than him, Blac Chyna.  I honestly don't understand how this chick is famous...I'm pretty sure she was a stripper who banged Tyga like five days ago but whatever-have fun with your petri dish of diseases you two crazy kids. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Gerald from Hey Arnold!

 

The sassy best friend that never let his buddy down.

Can Stacey Dash be President, Please?

 

She's beautiful, brilliant, and fucking Dionne!  Here's what our favorite Clueless alum had to say about the Oscars controversy on Fox & Friends: 

  

 During a discussion about the 2016 Oscars controversy, Fox News contributor Stacey Dash declared on Fox & Friends on Wednesday, January 20, that the BET Awards and Black History Month should be eliminated — and BET responded that afternoon.  During her morning chat, Dash, 49, addressed the ongoing outrage over the lack of minority nominees in major categories, and turned the tables on networks like BET (Black Entertainment Television) for giving awards largely to black recipients.

 "I think it's ludicrous," the Clueless alum told Steve Doocy. "We have to make up our minds. Either we want to have segregation or integration, and if we don’t want segregation, then we have to get rid of channels like BET and the BET Awards and the Image Awards, where you’re only awarded if you’re black. If it were the other way around, we’d be up in arms. It’s a double standard."

I don't think getting rid of Black History Month is a very popular proposal but I have to agree with what she's going for here:  we cannot keep segregating.  I don't think the people who are calling for a boycott understand that they are creating a segregated society...we are all human beings, for Christ's sake.  Nobody was trying to be racist.  People cannot create issues like this or everything will just go backwards.  

Anywho...sorry for the seriousness but I AM wearing glasses right now.  *Takes glasses off* 

Where am I?  Who am I?  BOOBIES!!

Khloe Kardashian's New Show is Proof that the World has Ended

 

Ugh...

Okay, so after months of waist training, a new Chelsea Handler haircut, tanning, and additional lobotomization sessions, Khloe Kardashian unveiled her abortion of a talk show, Kocktails with Khloe.  Somehow, she tricked Snoop Dogg and Aisha Tyler to be on the show, joining reality whores Brandi Glanville and her own sister, Kendall Jenner.  Because she is a television journalist and upcoming Peabody Award winner, Khloe kicked off the show talking about her separation from Lamar Odom...but shit got real when she GASP!! PRANK CALLED HER OWN SISTER, KIM!  Actually, it was Kendall who did the weird honors, calling a frazzled Kim and telling her she was pregnant for some reason?  It's terrible-I give it twenty seasons.

George Clooney Will Now Let You Know His Gospel

 

Okay so I wasn't even gonna weigh in on the #OscarsoWhite controversy because quite frankly it's fucking stupid.  Suffice it to say, I agree with our favorite misanthrope, Whoopi Goldberg.  Anywho, the Sultan of Smug, George Clooney has taken it upon himself to spout his douchbagery about the whole thing: via People:

In an interview with Variety, Clooney expressed his disappointment in the lack of diversity among this year's Oscar nominees, saying that the Academy is "moving in the wrong direction." The Oscar winner, 54, pointed to the low number of roles available to minorities in the film industry. "If you think back 10 years ago, the Academy was doing a better job. Think about how many more African-Americans were nominated," he said. "I would also make the argument, I don't think it's a problem of who you're picking as much as it is: How many options are available to minorities in film, particularly in quality films?" 

I'm so happy that he took a break from sniffing his own farts to really delve into bullshit.  It should be noted, as nobody else seems to remember...Mr. Lincoln up there basically said that the Academy was responsible for the civil rights movement in his 2006 Oscar acceptance speech.  Yes, it's true...here is a video for you to enjoy-but be careful the fart fumes don't engulf you!

 

Zac Efron Said Something Totally Not Offensive but the Internet Loses it's Damn Mind Anyway

So my look-a-like Zac Efron (it's true ask my mom) said this on Twitter:

"I'm grateful for a couple things today" Martin Luther King Jr. & 10 Million followers on IG"

The tweet was followed by the black emoji fist and finger pointing up.  I mean, let's be honest, he wasn't trying to be offensive at all, and maybe he's a little dumb, but of course the internet lost its shit and all these people who basically like to sniff out when they think celebs are being racist put on their Sherlock Holmes hat and sounded their PC alarm because oh my God he must be worse than Hitler. 

Steve Harvey Actually got Death Threats from Miss Universe Fiasco

I've never seen such clear hatred...show me RAGE!  ding!

Okay so during an interview (a sit down with Harvey and Miss Colombia up there) , Steve Harvey revealed that he got a bunch of death threats regarding his Miss Universe gaffe.  Okay seriously?  Who the fuck even actually remembered Miss Universe was a thing until Harvey fucked up?  And people are actually threatening his life??  What kind of person are you that would threaten death because of a beauty pageant that truthfully, until this shit happens, nobody gives a fuck about? 

R.I.P. Glenn Frey

Eagles co-founder Glenn Frey has passed away at the age of 67 after being hospitalized since November with health issues. 

This is truly hard news, and Frey has joined a list of greats that have been taken away too soon this year.  You were an inspiration, man-rest easy. 

The Critic's Choice Awards Was Last Night

Aaaannd drumroll please...

Who cares?  That's right folks, the CCA were last night and in true form, absolutely nobody gave a fuck.  So how are you?

Kevin Smith's Tribute to Alan Rickman is Pretty Fucking Touching

 

Not gonna lie...I almost cried a little when I read what Kevin Smith had to say...please read the sweet yet hilarious tribute HERE

Alan Rickman has Died at Age 69

 

This has been a truly sad week in entertainment...

Alan Rickman has passed away at the age of 69.  The beloved British star had us all rooting a little for the bad guy in films like Die Hard and Harry Potter, but what people seem to remember most about the multi-talented Rickman is what a fine human being he was.  Rickman was a true talent and a real class act all the way.  I honestly can't believe he's gone...he was such a ubiquitous presence.  Here's to you, Mr. Rickman-may you rest in peace.   

Damn, Khloe Kardashian

 

So this is kinda refreshing...

Khloe Kardashian opened the fuck up on Howard Stern the other day, covering topics including Lamar Odom's bullshit, her sex life, and most importantly, how full of shit Caitlyn Jenner is.  Via UsMagazine:

"He did have private talks with us after," Kardashian explained. "But he never said he was going to transition. He would just say his soul has always been a woman." Kardashian explained that Jenner only informed them she’d be transitioning after her April 2015 Diane Sawyer interview, which they watched together as a family.
"Bruce made it a point for all of us to watch it together, and that's when it was the first time we heard a lot of things,” she recalled. "We didn't even know about Diane Sawyer until it was taped and done. On that show is when we genuinely found out about transitioning."
Lamar Odom’s estranged wife admitted that she took his transition hard because of the deception.
"It's not that easy. But it's also [like] I don't give a f--k what you want to do. I just [wanted him to] stop lying to us about things!” she explained. “Each sister had a different story because he couldn't keep up with things.”

Oh really? So the person who killed a woman and got off and then became a woman wasn't entirely forthright with something?  Really?  Are we surprised, Khloe?  Side note...why is is the Kardashian family always seems to be involved with men who kill women and then somehow get off?  I mean, I know it's not that black and white, but isn't that a little fucking weird?  Let me hand it off to this guy...

\

Asses.

Nick Carter Arrested

 

The former Backstreet Boy has been arrested in Florida...huh-this is a sentence I definitely am not surprised I'm writing.  No details yet on why the 35 year old was booked, but I bet it ain't nothin' but a mistake. 

I hate me.

Say Hello to my New Crush

We are registered at Filene's. 

The Playboy Mansion is up for Sale with One Hell of a Catch

Ever dream of owning the mansion where hot women in little bunny outfits romp, the grotto bubbles with the sperm of one million celebrities and historic butt decisions were made? Now how about rooming with everybody's creepy grandpa?  Well guess what?  For a cool $200 million, you can not only own the Playboy Mansion, but guess who would be your lifelong roomie til he dies?  Why, Hef of course!  That's right, the Playboy Mansion is up for sale, but Hugh Hefner comes with.  So yeah, get those diaper changing hands ready, millionaires.

Check out the full weirdness HERE

David Bowie Has Died at Age 69

This is truly heartbreaking...

David Bowie lost his brave 18 month battle with cancer, and departed from our world to the next on Sunday, surrounded by his family.  I don't need to rehash his amazing, forty year career-we all know what a force he was...his music, his acting and his personality were all so magnetic, that he usually topped people's "celebrities I want to hang out with" game.  I always thought that Bowie would be around forever...he just seemed that magical. 

You will be sorely missed, Mr. Stardust.  Party in Peace.

The 2016 Golden Globes

Welp, the 73rd? 85th? 134th? Golden Globes were held last night, and I didn't watch because I'm a real man and instead was watching Downton Abbey on PBS with my mom.  Where my Lady Mary Bitches at?

Anywho, here's some pictures of Hollywood sucking its own dick.  Oh and it looks like Jonah Hill may have lost his shit.  Enjoy?

  

Tila Tequila: Still Retarded and Loving it

The celebrity? No...fame whore? No-that's not right...The Walking Disease Center at the Mayo Clinic went on an epic Twitter rant about how it's 2016 and still, nobody has yet proven to her that the earth is round.  Tis flat! she cried to the heretics...tis flat!

 

Please check out her Twitter page for more tits and nonsense.  

Tyga is Tots Not a Creep You Guys

 

Okay, so basically this "14 year old" model is claiming that Tyga (that's right, of Kylie Kardashian fame) sent her inappropriate messages via social media.  Tyga is claiming that he actually only messaged her regarding a record contract.   I mean, clearly he fucked up somewhere but let's look at the cold hard facts here: 

-this chick is being represented, (see: goaded into saying shit) by famed bloodsucker and succubus cunt Gloria Allred, who will take any case as long as it involves a crying vagina pointing to a penis.  I don't think Tyga is in the right here, I mean, seriously?  A record contract?  Come on now, dum dum. 

Justin Bieber is Being Used by Kourtney Kardashian

 

 Yeah I don't know...the Biebs said something about being used by Kourtney Kardashian in reference to the two hooking up a few weeks ago.  Quite frankly, it's nice to see the boring sister getting up to something.  In all seriousness though, if Bieber didn't want to be used by a forty year old slagathor, then why didn't he just toss an NBA player in front of her on a fishing wire? 

Miss Philippines on Sharing Crown: "Fuck No"

Well actually she said something like "it would be difficult for two girls to share the crown" to the question of "could Colombia and the Philippines share the crown, but come on, we all know what she's thinking.  Oh...she also said that Steve Harvey should host the pageant again next year...you sneaky bitch.

Justin Bieber is Now Banging Hailey Baldwin

Hey guys, and welcome to 2016...first order of business?  Showing you this picture of Justin Bieber getting all up in Hailey Baldwin's mouth.  Now, don't worry guys-this is a Stephen Baldwin grown up sperm, not Alec so this barely counts as news...I'm just trying to look like I'm working so my boss doesn't try to fire me again.  2015 was last year, Larry, which means I totally still work here.

Editor's Note:  Apparently being fired in 2015 means I am fired for all the times.  Learn somethin' new every day, right?  If anyone is hiring, I'm a wiz with slight of hand magic.

No I'm not...I'm just trying to impress you.