Bob Balaban
Because-why not?
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Now That's the Face of a Man Who is Totally in Love...
It's like the two saddest mannequins in the department store. They have to store them on that floor that doesn't really exist. Remember that episode of The Twilight Zone? Couldn't sleep for weeks-hey speaking of which-whatever happened to Kim Cattrall?
Oh yeah-these two went somewhere to prove their relationship is tots legit. Tots legit, you guys.
Kristin Cavallari is Putting Her Acting Career on Hold. This Affects Nothing.
Krisitn Cavallari, best known for playing herself on The Hills and Laguna Beach says she would rather stay in Chicago with her fiancé, Bears Quarterback Jay Cutler, and their 8-month old son. She tells Coco Eco Magazine "I've passed on a couple of things that would have kept me here in L.A. because my fiancé Jay has to be in Chicago, so if I was here we would never see each other." Kudos to her for choosing her family over what we are sure were Oscar worthy opportunities. Like many celebs and pseudo-celebs before her, Kristin has discovered she is a shoe designer. Amazing how that talent just sort of sneaks up on people, when they have seemingly no formal training. Any whooooo, that's what she's concentrating on now.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Taylor Swift is Most Likely Stalking Again
So according to New York Daily News, Taylor Swift bought a $17 million mansion in Rhode Island. My guess is that she bought it to be next to a boy she likes, because we all know that's the reason Taylor Swift does everything. Keep her away from Charles Manson. I'm serious.
Reese Witherspoon's Baby Stole Her Brain
uh, durrrr
Maybe she's trying to use this as her defense in that disorderly conduct arrest. Reese Witherspoon tells British magazine Red, "Ever since I had the baby, I can't remember anything. Serious, this child stole my brain." So maybe when Reese asked that police officer who arrested her, if he knew who she was, she was really just asking because she had no idea who she was. Image restored. You're Welcome.
If This is True, Ewww.
Apparently, 19-year-old One Direction stud Harry Styles is dating 33-year-old No Direction thud Kimberly Stewart. Kimberly is the daughter of Rod Stewart, and is most famous for being friends with Paris Hilton and having a baby with Benicio del Toro, we're still confused about that one. Harry, Kimberly, Rod and his wife, and Kimberly's brother Sean and his pal Adrienne Maloof were all spotted having dinner on a triple date Thursday night at Dan Tana's in West Hollywood. I'm not speaking from personal experience, but I'd say Kimberly is skating down a slippery slope. Teenaged boys are just going to use you for rides and money. They'll want you to do their homework and their paper route, and buy alcohol for their midddle school… I mean high school… no I mean COLLEGE dances. It can just be disastrous, but like I said, not that I know from personal experience or anything.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
R.I.P. George Jones
Country Music legend George Jones passed away Friday in Nashville after being hospitalized for a fever and irregular blood pressure. He was 81. Jones is considered by many to be the definitive Country Music singer, putting circumstances of his tumultuous life into song. He's famous for songs "White Lightning" and "She Still Thinks I care" among countless others. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.
Friday, April 26, 2013
This Feels Right
Little House on the Prairie Princess turned Lifetime Movie Queen marries Thirtysomething King. Melissa Gilbert and Timothy Busfield united their television archives Wednesday in California. This is like the tenth and twentieth marriage for them respectively. I think this one will stick though. Congratulations!
This Makes Me Feel Goopy
Wearing a dress more suitable for the Porn Awards than the prestigious Iron Man 3 premiere, Gwyneth Paltrow admits she was humiliated by the sheer situation. Fresh off the heels of her People Magazine's World's Most Beautiful Woman title, Gwyneth appeared on her gay husband Ellen's show where she explained why it was so difficult to get into a dress that one can only assume, she chose, and knew about. "I kind of had a disaster. I was doing a show and I changed there… and I couldn't wear underwear…Let's just say everyone went scrambling for a razor." Here's what I think. Gwynnie got the Most Beautiful title, got a little too much confidence and decided to wear this dress that Rose McGowan rejected as too raunchy. Got a lot of flack for wearing it, and claimed stupid. That's how it's done in Hollyweird, kids.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
These Two Are Engaged
Slade Smiley (really??) and Gretchen Rossi from Andy Cohen's puppet show The Real Housewives of Orange County are engaged. Apparently she asked him, so ladies, hold out for prince prince charming, because Bravo will definitely foot the bill if you make enough of a fool out of yourself. Check and Mate.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
If You Ain't Team Tara, You Ain't Shit!
Discount? Where's my discount?
Oh dear. Tara Reid was reportedly kicked out of L.A. clothing store All Saints after getting into an argument with employees about getting a discount! Tara, 37, was picking out clothes for Hollywood plays Hippie Festival aka Coachella, and she threw a huge fit after being denied a discount. A source from the store said "She was screaming. She had to be escorted out by security. She seemed drunk." A rep for the actress counters that "Tara gets a huge discount with All Saints in the UK and Paris because she's a walking billboard for them. She gets photographed…so they give her huge hookups." Well apparently All Saints in the U.S. doesn't give discounts for people being photographed drunk face planting in their clothes. Sorry Tara, better luck next time.
R.I.P. Richie Havens
Richie Havens, the legendary folk musician who opened Woodstock in 1969, passed away Monday of a heart attack. He was 72. Havens was born in Brooklyn, and played huge festivals to small coffee houses. Havens is well known for his cover of the Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun," and his song "Freedom" which was improvised on the spot. He was a true musician who appreciated other musicians and found inspiration all his life. He leaves behind four daughter and five grandchildren. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family.
R.I.P. Christina Amphlett
Divinyls singer Christina Amphlett has died at the age of 53. She fought a brave battle not only with MS, but also with breast cancer. She was a spirited and talented lady, who reminded us to not take life or health for granted. Her famous song, "I Touch Myself" was a controversial hit, and in recent years, she voiced hope that the song would remind ladies to give themselves daily breast exams.
A beautiful, caring, and aware woman. Rest in Peace, Christina. You will be missed.
God Bless.
Reese Witherspoon and Her Husband Arrested for DUI, Douchiness
Well, this is a bit of a shocker, I must say. Reese Witherspoon and her husband Jim Toth were arrested DUI (his) and disorderly conduct (hers) early Friday morning Atlanta. Toth was pulled over for weaving across a double line. According to the arresting officer, he appeared disheveled and smelled of alcohol. The officer then administered a sobriety test, and he blew a .139, while the legal limit in Georgia is .08, not 3.0 as many people believe. While her husband was failing his test, Witherspoon became antsy, and started hanging out of the car window, yelling at the police officer, saying that she did not believe he was a real officer. The mother of 3 then exited the car she told to stay in when her husband was arrrested. Witherspoon resisted when the cop grabbed her arms and her husband tried to calm her down. She then asked the officer, "Do you know my name?" To which the officer responded, "No, I don't need to know your name." And then she said "You're about to find out who I am." She then pulled down her pants and exposed her huge black penis, saying "I am John Witherspoon, Bitch!" Okay, that part's not true, but all the rest of it is, and just as shocking!
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Karolina Kurkova Jumps the Gun
Paisley? Herringbone? How about assault rifles as the new print this season? It might be a little too soon to try and bring this into the Spring fashion mix, considering this past week's violent events in Boston. However, seemingly oblivious Karolina Kurkova thought this would be the perfect outfit for casual Friday. Doesn't she know horizontal guns always make you look wider?!
Tribeca? I'll Try Anything
Dennis Quaid, Heather Graham, and Zac Efron at an after party for their movie, At Any Price which was shown at the festival. They look exactly like my snooty cousins from Greenwich greeting me at every family function.
Friday, April 19, 2013
BOSTON: CITY OF HEROES
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Hell yes Boston. This is just our way of saying THANK YOU to the brave Boston Police, the FBI, and all the law enforcement. You guys are angels, GOD BLESS YOU ALL! And God Bless Sean Collier, who was slain last night while doing his job to serve and protect. His family is in our prayers. Thank you Sean.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!
Amanda Bynes Still Crazy as Fuck; I Like Continuity
Taking a break from thinking about Drake murdering her vagina? (Actual Bynes quote) certifiable insane person Amanda Bynes is now tweeting photoshopped pictures from fans that she deems good enough not to cause her to have an eating disorder. I know! I didn't know she had fans either!
Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries Finalized Divorce-Good Now She Can Move On With Her Life...Waaaiitt a Miiinnuuttee...
Pregnant permanent tabloid cover Kim Kardashian and Harry from Harry and the Hendersons have finalized their divorce after 536 days. So for those of you keeping count, that was like, many more days than they were married. And she's knocked up by another guy. Throw in a trailer park and we have a TLC reality show and/or my favorite episode of Cops.
UPDATE: Kris Jenner is tots on board for the TLC reality show. Just got off the horn with her. And now I have to make a sex tape as is the rule for all those who speak with Kris Jenner.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Who Don't Give a Shit? Whoopi Don't Give a Shit
So, Rightwing McSqueakswhenshetalks was fired from vag-fest, The View, and apparently Whoopi Goldberg can give a rat's ass. When asked about the firing, Goldberg had this to say to Vanity Fair:
"Let me tell you about The View. I take a paycheck every other week. That's all I do. I can give a shit what comes. I do my job--I have a contract. That's where I stand. I don't give a fuck."
I love when celebrities are pimpishly honest. I'm going to take a page from her book and be this blunt with my own boss.
Aaaaaaaannnd I'm fired. Thanks Whoopi-hey, I hear you have an opening?
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
R.I.P. Richard LeParmentier
Richard LeParmentier, American actor best known for playing Admiral Motti in Star Wars has passed away at the age of 66. He was a writer and actor, and very talented as both.
Rest in Peace, Admiral, and God Bless.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Coachella: Douche Woodstock 2013
Whee I'm a free spirit! My halter top said so!
The main reason I became a celebrity blogger, aside from being able to look at picture after picture of Kardashian penis, is so I could rag on the rampant douchery of the Coachella music festival. Ah, Coachella, where celebrities so fucked up on acid they can't even puke right come to laugh and play-and wear floppy hats. Musn't forget the floppy hats.
Please do enjoy:
A Prayer for Those Lost in Boston Bombings
Today, a horrific act of cowardice cost three people their lives, and injured so many more. Please keep the people who were injured, those who died, and their families, in your prayers. This is truly a dark time, but in these dark times is when our hope and faith must shine brightest.
God Bless.
Aubrey Plaza Kanye'd Will Ferrell
Apparently Aubrey Plaza crashed Will Ferrell's acceptance speech last night at the MTV Movie Awards, and was kicked out for it. Now, granted, nobody wants some drunk barefoot chick ruining their finest money suit, but seriously MTV? Where did you get the prestige to be able to be kicking people out of shit? It's every middle schooler's favorite night, not the Nobel Prize Awards.
MTV EXECUTIVE #1: Oh horrors! That young ragamuffin is trampling all over Sir Will Ferrell's speech! GUARDS!
MTV EXECUTIVE #2: Oh when will these surfs learn that these antics are just plain rude? Now, be a dear, and tell the butler to pop in the latest taping of Snooki & JWow.
MTV EXECUTIVE #1: Oh those delightful sperm receptacles...so droll.
MTV EXECUTIVE #2: Quite.
Justin Bieber: Pop Star of the Holocaust
On a recent trip to Amsterdam, Justin Bieber toured Anne Frank's house, now a museum, and left a note in the guest book. "Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Ay yi yi, Justin, every girl that keeps a diary is not necessarily gonna be into your music. Justin's people defended his insensitive? self-absorbed? delusional? developmentally delayed comment by saying he had heard that Anne was into pop culture and that she probably would have been a fan of his. Fair enough. It's just too bad Steven Speilberg didn't make Schindler's List like 15 years later, then instead of all those sad violins, we could have had "Baby" and "One Less Lonely Girl" on the soundtrack. That might have, I don't know, brightened it up a bit.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Pippi Longstocking: Rebel Without a Cause
Well, somebody sure got their braids in a knot. Tami Erin, 38, best known for her role as Pippi in The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking opened a can of whoop-ass on her male roommate. Maybe he complained about her keeping horses and monkeys in their place. Erin was placed under citizen's arrest by a neighbor who heard the roommate crying out for help. She was then arrested and booked by the local police. Imagine being the guy who has to say he was beat up by Pippi Longstocking. Well, she is mischievous…and scrappy. No it's still really bad.
Friday, April 12, 2013
R.I.P. Jonathan Winters
Described by Jack Paar as "pound for pound the funniest man alive", multi-talented comedian Jonathan Winters has died. He was 87.
Jonathan Winters's career spanned for more than five decades and he was a frequent guest on the late night talk show circuit. He released many successful comedy albums including "Another Day, Another World" and "Whistle Stopping With Jonathan Winters."
The comedy world lost a great, and he will be missed.
God Bless.
Happy Birthday. Here's Some Crap.
For his 87th Birthday, Hugh Hefner's 26-year old doting, totally devoted wife Crystal gave him a very "creative" gift. Per People Magazine, "It was a 3-D art I made. It's a collection of Playboy magazines, it's a collection of recycled items… sunglasses, pipe, tobacco he used in a little container, even altoids. His favorite ice cream is strawberry Haagen-Dazs. There's a little container of that on there somewhere." Well I guess that settles the age old question, what do you get for the man who has everything and is really old? Dig through the garbage. One man's junk, is…well it should stay his junk.
Thank Goodness! Kind of.
If you are lucky? enough to be a guest at the wedding of Chad Kroeger of Nickleback and Avril Lavigne, you have at least one thing to be happy a-boat: Avril has declared, she will not be singing at the wedding, because she doesn't want to feel like she's working. You're not outta the woods yet though, because I'm not sure about his performance plans, and they may play a song that they wrote together for their first dance. My advice: Bring ear plugs! and maybe some LSD.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
So This is Miley Cyrus Now
Good, yeah-that's about right. So she's the Bill Murray character from Caddyshack. Yep-riiight on track. "IT'S IN THE HOLE!"
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Tom Cruise Didn't Expect Divorce? Really?
In a sit-down with a German television show (why not?) Tom Cruise admitted he "did not expect" the divorce from Katie Holmes last summer and that to get through these experiences, you need a "certain sense of humor". I mean, really? did you think she would be cool with you banging all those guys forever Tom?? Sorry, after a few hundred naked Twister games, that crow won't caw. Katie Holmes is such an uncool beard. Now Kelly Preston, there's a beard you can get on guys board with.
Oh Good, Lindsay Lohan is Looking Forward to Rehab
While promoting Scary Movie 5 (I know, I know, but how else are D-Listers gonna get work? Chili's? They drug test) On David Letterman last night, Lindsay Lohan mused about how she is tots looking forward to rehab and even went so far as to tear up, because you know, they don't allow heroin in there-jerks. Via UsMagazine:
"To be honest, I'm happiest when I'm working and the healthiest, and I think this is an opportunity for me to, you know focus on what I love in life . And I don't think it's a bad thing. I think it's a blessing...and no a curse."
"Yeah" Letterman agreed. "Perhaps a life saver, a career saver."
I'm glad she's delusional enough to think that rehab is gonna be a career saver. Or better yet, a blessing. Because that will make her a better actress who doesn't shoplift and who isn't the color of that cheeto that's been stuck to the bottom of my desk for God knows how long. What's keeping it there? Is it gravity? Is it some kind of dark magic? What sorcery is this?!
Rehab: acting class for cokeheads.
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