Ch-ch-check it Out!

 

Hey guys!  Want to poo your pants?  Then check out issue #37 of Sanitarium Magazine!  Click HERE and be sure to have your depends ready.  

Nicki Minaj is Going to Scare the Shit out of ABC Family

 

That's right, Miss Shrinking Violet up there is going to be producing and starring in a sitcom about her life that for some goddam reason or another is going to be on ABC Family.  So, ya know...get set, kids.  

Jim Carrey's Girlfriend Found Dead of Apparent Suicide

 

Cathriona White, 30, was found dead of an apparent overdose last night.  The suicide comes after some very eerie remarks made by Carrey's on-again/off-again girlfriend on her Twitter and Instagram accounts.  

Prayers to Jim Carrey and Cariona's family. 

Tootie is Going to Be a Real Housewife of Atlanta

 

That's right, Facts of Lifers Tootie is joining the ranks of ladies who get mad that they don't get invited to a party they didn't even know about in the first place.  I know I'll be watching with my Facts of Life thermos that I totally got Natalie to sign after hiding out in an airport bathroom for oh, let's say a week.  So. Many. Foot. Taps.

Frances Bean Cobain is Totally Well-Adjusted...You Can Tell By Her Husband

 

and another...

 

So yeah...in case you couldn't tell, Frances Bean Cobain is living Freud's wet dream by marrying Isaiah Silva aka Kurt Cobain's look-alike, in a ceremony that she didn't even invite her mother aka Kurt Cobain's murderer (just kidding maybe...I don't know) to.  Mazel to the the creepy couple!

Eric Johnson Ain't Having None of Jessica Simpson's Drunk Bullshit

 

So after Jessica Simpson's Dudley Moore-esque behavior on HSN the other day,  it was reported that Eric Johnson has given J-Simp a big old southern style choice...rehab or no more kids!  Here's hoping she makes the right choice and slips slowly into a Paula Deen-style middle-age sans the youngins.   

The Kardashians are Officially Trashier Than the Duggars/Honey Boo-Boo Family/Every Pregnant Teenager

 

Via some goddam magazine who gives a shit:

Jumping into bed together to film a vlog entitled "You're in Bed With Kim and Kylie," which Jenner posted on her website on Thursday, Sept. 24, the duo got candid about a couple of topics that have been hitting the headlines recently.
First up — the fact that the youngest Jenner sister seems to be totally wiping the floor with her siblings when it comes to her social media profile.
"How do you feel now that you have dethroned me?" Kardashian asked cheekily, to which her little sister just smiled awkwardly, refusing to comment.
"I love it, like, I love it," the 34-year-old reality star insisted, trying to put her sister at ease. "I need some time off. I mean honey, let's be real, you've got to put in a few more years before you actually dethrone me. But I give my baton to you. Who better to pass on knowledge to my baby sister, rather than a random non-family member," the still-queen of reality TV added.
And in case you didn't get the message, Kardashian continued to make it clear she really, really doesn't mind if Jenner overtakes her in the popularity stakes. “You guys, this is amazing. I give Kylie all my tricks, I give her all my tips. I give her everything, and more. She is so, like, deserving. If I would want anyone to follow in my footsteps, anyone to borrow my clothes, anyone to like share my glam team it is Kylie, King Kylie," Kim insisted.
Having cleared that one up, Jenner's big sis then went on to ask the other question that had been on the tip of fans' tongues all day — why did Tyga call Jenner his fiancee in her recent Snapchat video?
"Why did Tyga call you his fiancee? I was, like, dying to know," Kardashian asked.
"He was making fun of an Instagram he posted 30 minutes before," Jenner responded, explaining that there would be no wedding bells ringing just yet. "He knew there was this guy who was on Instagram who was like, 'I don't like nobody. I just play with my fiancee and my little dog,'" she added.

Ugh-I hate myself for even posting this shit...it's just...it's so bad, you guys.  On a lighter note, O.J. Simpson: The Secret Hidden Tapes will be premiering on A&E October 1st.

Kim Zolciak Had a Mini-Stroke

 

The former Real Housewife and current DWTS contestant suffered a series of mini-strokes the other day after flying from L.A. to her Atlanta home.   She's totally okay now, so not to worry...I'm sure she'll be back doing whatever it is she does very soon.  

Jigga What? Jewel Dated Sean Penn During Robin Wright Break Up

 

Via ABC News: 

In her new memoir, "Never Broken: Songs Are Only Half the Story," Jewel gets candid about her past relationship with Sean Penn.

She detailed how the two first met, when her career was just starting out and he was on a break from his now-ex-wife Robin Wright.

According to the excerpt obtained by E! News, Jewel recounts how Penn reached out to her after her first TV appearance on Conan O’Brien’s show in 1995. He wanted her to compose a song for his film "The Crossing Guard."

Jewel ended up writing a song called "Emily" for the flick, and their romance began soon after. She called him a “fantastic flirt” but she added she intentionally moved slowly at first.

The report goes on to detail how she preferred a sober Sean Penn and blah blah blah...honestly these two are the most boring people so it was hard for me to keep paying attention after the word "sober".  More boring than watching grass dry, I tell ya. 

I Officially Deam Modern Feminists Ridiculous

 

Okay, this is old news but I've been getting high 24/7 and looking for hidden messages in Journey songs busy so I just caught wind of the fact that feminists are legit outraged that Kermit the Frog's new girlfriend is younger and thinner than Miss Piggy.  Yes, that's right...not only are actual humans angry at puppets but I am reporting on it because I've got kids hamsters to feed. 

Calm Down, Robert De Niro

 

I've never understood why celebrities walk out of interviews early in a huff.  I mean, sure, if the interviewer is a total douche or completely off the mark, then go for it, person who is paid millions to pretend, by all means!  But Dame Robert De Niro up there needed to settle down a touch during his interview with Radio Times ...via UsWeekly: 

Brockes claimed that she asked De Niro about two topics that seemingly upset him. First, she questioned him about the Tribeca neighborhood of New York City, home to the famed film festival which he co-founded, asking if the area had been overrun by bankers. And secondly, she questioned if the Oscar winner ever gets into “autopilot” mode while on set. 

De Niro then reportedly asked Brockes to turn off the recorder and began pacing “madly,” complaining about the tone of the interview.
“All the way through. Negative inference,” he said, according to Brockes. “The whole way through and I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it, darling.”

I think asking him if he goes on auto-pilot was a fair question.  I mean we've all see the Fockers abortions...it's like he had a lobotomy somewhere in between the second and third one and didn't bother to tell anyone. 

 

R.I.P. Yogi Berra

One of the greats of baseball has passed today at the age of 90.  Yogi Berra brought fun, flare, and amazing talent to our national pastime, and he will be missed.  Rest in peace man, you deserve it.  

Here is a classic Miller Lite commercial starring Yogi from 1987, please enjoy in his honor!

Kendall Jenner and Her Magnificent Nipple Ring

The fun never stops in their latest adventure, "Kendall and Nip Take the Red Carpet."

2015 Emmys Rundown

 

Happy Monday Tasteless readers!  Because I like you as more than a friend, here is the 2015 Emmys rundown, conveniently compressed into one post for your on-the-go lifestyle.  And away we go!

Jon Hamm won for sexiest ad man or some shit, and like a real G, thanked his dumped ex-girlfriend in his speech:

 

Peter Dinklage is rocking a man bun now, because well fuck it, why not?

 

Amy Schumer tricked someone into giving her an Emmy for best variety series: 

 

Lena Dunham shows off her baby bump: 

 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Clippy

You know he was helpful...

Ice-T has a Point...

Okay, so what looks like a cancer ward above is Kanye West's idea of fashion, and Ice-T made a pretty good point by saying it looks like "future slave gear".  Gotta say, it kinda does look like something people are forced to wear.  Not that I don't enjoy cozying up in my own flesh colored bathrobe and ill-fitting nude uni-tard to enjoy a night of ice cream and cats, but seriously, I've shit out better crap than this. 

Jessica Simpson was Fucking Wasted on HSN: WATCH

Click above to check out Jessica Simpson slurring her words and just plain not making any fucking sense while trying to sell jeans on HSN.  She's a billionaire, people.  

That Fucker from the League Lied about Escaping the World Trade Center on 9/11

 

Via ABC News:

Comedian and "The League" star Steve Rannazzisi has admitted that he lied about escaping the Twin Towers 14 years ago during the attacks of 9/11.

In past interviews, the actor said he was working as an account manager at Merrill Lynch in the South Tower when the first tower was hit. According to an interview in 2009 with Marc Maron, he explained back then that he got to the streets before the second plane hit and before both towers collapsed.

"I worked on the 54th floor of the second tower," he told Maron, adding Port Authority told his co-workers "everything's being taken care of" and to remain where they were on that day. He said he didn't listen and left the building. In his descriptive story, Rannazzisi even describes where he was standing when the second plane hit.

After the New York Times reported some inconsistencies in his story and that he was actually working in midtown, Manhattan, far away from the 9/11 site near Battery Park, his publicist released a statement. The Times also reported that he never worked for Merrill Lynch. 

So yeah...fuck this guy.  

Calm the Fuck Down, Helen Mirren

 

Okay so Lady Whitebush up there is the latest celebrity to come out with something that they are offended by that is so fucking ridiculous it makes me want to cry...via UsWeekly:

"It annoys me when I see men with an arm slung round their girlfriend’s shoulders," Mirren, 70, told the Daily Mail's You magazine this past weekend. "It’s like ownership. Of course, when you’re young, you want the guy to take your hand and look after you. But when I see girls being leaned on, I want to say, 'Tell him to get his damned arm off your shoulder.'"

All right, so in this world where everything has turned to shit, instead of doing anything about all the stuff that matters, let's just pretend that shit that used to be super cute and loving is now akin to slavery.  Fuck you, Mirren-thought you were cool.

Well This is Fucking Weird...

 

Christ....

Okay so I'm not sure how many of you know this person, but she played a medic or some shit on Star Trek Voyager and apparently has gone bat shit crazy since then because she was arrested for indecent exposure to children.  You can read the whole fun article HERE.

And here's a picture of what she used to be for context: 

 

 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Zombeaver

 

 

If you don't know...I implore you to go on Netflix immediately!

Here's a Prego Kim Kardashian Still Doing Whatever it is She Does

 

Yeesh...

 

Here you go, world...a pregnant as fuck Kim Kardashian shoving her stomach in your face at New York Fashion Week, where apparently her husband acted like a major douche, upsetting the schedule for his latest line of bullshit.  I'm so happy these people exist.  They remind me that no matter how much of a jerk-off I can be sometimes, I will never be this level of jerk-off. 

Here's Kim Zolciak Stumbling Around on DWTS

 

It's true that Dancing with the Stars has gotten some less than D-list contestants, but it just seems ridiculous that Kim Zolciak somehow managed to blow the right person at ABC for her shot at the big time.  Please do enjoy the above footage of the Real Housewife of Atlanta barely moving her fat ass around the dance floor.  

Katy Perry's Activities Will Haunt Your Dreams

 

Remember when we were young and would do crazy shit like smoke hookahs with giant black condoms?  

Never Forget Those Who Died on September 11, 2001

Come the Fuck On...

 

Okay, so above is the lovely Nicole Arbour, who is a COMEDIAN and made a funny video called "Dear Fat People" and now the whole world is losing its goddam mind because God forbid we make fun of fat people.  Chris Farley died in vain, people. 

Scott Disick May Not Be the Baby Daddy

 

Sorry for doing another Kardashian related post, but I've been waiting a while to use this picture so here we go...

There have been multiple reports within the Kardashian inner circle regarding our favorite pal, Scott Disick.  The reports are all saying that Kourtney cheated on Disick and that he *cue Maury voice* may not be the father of 11 month old Reign.  Apparently the news has made Disick go off the rails, which is a nice change from him "losing it" or "going off the deep end."  I think the most unbelievable thing about this story is that Kourtney had enough personality to go and get someone else to put their penis in her igloo vagina.  

Rob Kardashian Preparing for Comeback...I'm Not Really Sure What He's Coming Back To?

 

So according to the magazines that make their living off of the Kardahsian Dynasty of Piss, Rob Kardashian is losing weight and preparing for a comeback.  Of course, it is difficult to deduce what the obese thirty year old will be making a comeback to, because as far as I know, all he's done with his life is eat a ton, hang out with crack addicts and pretend to design socks.  So yeah, good luck with the "comeback," Rob, I'm sure you'll succeed at whatever bullshit you pretend to be involved in.  

Jon Hamm is Single Now...Fuck

 

That's right, ladies.  Moist-maker extreme Jon Hamm has broken up with his human Simpsons character girlfriend Jennifer Westfeld.  Let the hunger games begin.

Uh-Oh...Pink Vs. Demi Lovato in Who Could Give Less of a Fuck 9: Boner's Revenge

 

Okay, so basically, Pink posted something on her Instagram that in all reality is probably pretty true-basically she said she was "let down" by the 2015 VMA's and that music today is piss poor.  True...anywho this got Demi Lovato all sand in her vag annoyed because she called Pink out on her comments, to which Pink responded to look for "a feud elsewhere".  

This is where social media has brought us people...a 35 year old and a terrible ex-Disney star arguing the merits of a fake awards show.  Fuck.

Caitlyn Jenner Was "Luke Warm" on Gay Marriage

 

Mmkay...

So Jenner was on Ellen where he put his size 13 foot in his mouth, saying that he was always opposed to gay marriage, but is now just "okay" with it.  

I honestly don't know what to think about Jenner...I'm pretty convinced it's all a scam because well let's just face it, he still rocks the cock.  If he was so full throttle on trans/gay rights, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be so all fired up to gather the millions of dollars for essentially just parading around his new wardrobe in true Kardashian fashion.  I'm not a hater-I respect those who truly try to find their real selves...but Jenner is not a genuine example of this. 

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Craig

 

Fuckin' Craig.

Miley Cyrus is Not Buying into Taylor Swift's Weird Cult Shit

 

Now, I've always been a Miley fan, much to the chagrin of, well everybody at the roller rink...I'm sorry, Brenda but does "Free Skate:" have an age limit?  I DIDN'T THINK SO MADAM...anywho, she just jumped up even higher on my list for shooting down any chance of trying to be in Taylor Swift's "squad" by saying she just likes real people.  Thank you Miley, for being the cool girl who I was always a little scared of in school, but who eventually put her cigarette out in the preppy girl's tea.