I'M GOIN' ON BREAK!

 

Listen up, my beautiful babies, I will be going on break to smoke a ton of weed and dream about all of you chasing me through a meadow because they're my fucking dreams.  But seriously my babies, I will be taking a small break from this dick-joke machine, but rest assured, my ass will be back sooner than you can say "court-appointed-rehab".  

Adriana Lima is Dating Julian Edelman

 

In the grand tradition of VS smoke-shows dating NFL players, Adriana Lima and Julian Edelman are now banging.  In related news, I am a master Jenga player, my mom and grandma some people might even say I'm the NFL-iest of all Jenga players...ladies?

Omarosa is Engaged

 

Grade-A cunt and Satan's bff, Omarosa, is engaged to some poor fool named John Allen Newman.  In an ironic, Poe-esque twist, her new guy is a pastor at Calvary Church in Florida.  I just...I don't know...run, dude.  Just. Run.  

R.I.P. Garry Marshall

 

This is truly sad news...

Iconic director and creator of such pop culture jewels such as Happy Days and Laverne & Shirley has died at age 81.  This guy was a fucking dynamo...he basically WAS pop culture and honestly, I'm gonna miss the hell out of him...rest easy Garry, you've earned it.

Damn, Joseph Kahn

Snap and snap.  Director Joseph Kahn ain't playin when it comes to defending buck-toothed giant, Taylor Swift against Kanye West and whatever bullshit they have going on this week...(it's like get a room already, amirite?)  Any snooch, Kahn is apparently mad that Kanye called Swift a bitch in his latest song, you know, because that SO matters, and went on the defensive on Twitter, saying: 

"Ain't the first time the Kardashians supported the murder of an innocent blonde woman."

Gotta say...super obvious joke, bro, I would have expected more from a pudgy faux-celebrity.  

Drew Barrymore Divorced What's-His-Nuts

 

In "who truly gives a shit" news, Drew Barrymore and Will Kopelman have decided to stop having boring, vegan, white people sex and release their terribleness on the world separately.  Big ups to the next people that need to deal with either of them.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!!

Annie's Boobs

 

This furry little thief will never Chang

Charlie Sheen Wants to do the World's Most Depressing Reality Show

 

Is seems Charlie Sheen wants to do a reality show about his life, and living with HIV.  He is reportedly shopping around the idea to producers, who I am assuming are just brooms in wigs that he placed around a table in his hotel room.  I mean, seriously-yikes. 

 

Oh Good, All My Dreams are Coming True

 

Starting and ending with Kate Beckinsale dressed as a giant penis.  I just hate that when she does it, everyone is like "yay for women dressing like penises" and shit but when I dress up as one, everyone is all "what are you doing?" "get out of here" and "sir, this is a funeral."

Pssh...double standards, amirite?

Beyonce and Jay-Z Staying Strictly Street By Going to Wimbledon

 

Here we see Beyonce and Jay-Z doing their part for the black community by attending Wimbledon.   Now, for those of you commoners who don't know, Wimbledon tickets can cost upwards of $20,000...for tennis.  Honestly, Beyonce and Jay-Z are turning more and more into the old rich white couple from Gilligan's Island every day.  You just know they have a lawn jockey and a waiter who they force to wear white gloves. 

BBB to Kylie Jenner's Lip Kits: Your Shit's Weak

Surprise, surprise, an 18 year old can't run a cosmetics company. 

It seems that Kylie Jenner's Lip Kit scam is seriously taking a hit, at least according to the Better Business Bureau, who gave the company a F in customer satisfaction.  According to reports, customers have complained about everything from security breaches to just plain not hearing back from the company after calling. 

Now, I'm sure Kylie Jenner has about as much to do with the officey things of her company as I do, but damn.  This bitch had the opportunity to turn it all around for the Karajenner gypsy clan and she failed.  If I was the youngest member of a family known mostly for sex tapes, bad marriages, and whatever Caitlyn Jenner is now, than I would be like, you know what?  I'm gonna take that job at Walgreens and be the best damn Jenner I can be.  But no...lip kits.

BREAKING FOR THE WEEKEND...SEE YOU GUYS TUESDAY!

 

I'm breaking a little early for the July 4th weekend because suck it, that's why.  Haha you guys I'm tots playing around with you, like how a cat plays with yarn.  I'm horny is what I'm saying.

Johnny Depp is Doing Just Fine, Thank you very Much

Johnny Depp is back and mohawkier than ever.  The escaper of Frigid Cunt Mountain made a stop at The Comedy Store in L.A. to just be Johnny, I guess.  Kudos to you, Deppy.  Let that freak flag fly out of Tim Burton's hair. 

Kanye West's New Video Horrifies and Creeps

That's right, Kanye West's video, Famous, has come out on Tidal and is hard as hell to find, but if you really want to know what you're missing, here's the nuts and balls of it.  Basically, it was shot like a snuff film and features several famous scroti, tits, and the terrible mess that constitutes Caitlyn Jenner's body and are mostly digitally placed.  I think-this world is scary and new to me.  Are you the nurse?

Dana White Denies $4.2 billion Sale of UFC, Which For Sure Means it's True

 

Bond villain and Michael Chiklis impersonator Dana White is still denying rumors that the UFC is for sale, which is what ESPN reported a month ago.  So gear up, UFC fans cuz this shit is gonna be turning Japanese in no time. 

Selma Blair Had an Outburst on a Plane

Well this is weird...

A seemingly in her right mind Selma Blair was having a grand old time in Mexico with her ex-husband and four year old son, but when she hit the air on her Delta flight, she apparently also hit the limits of sanity and lost all her damn shit.  Via MSN:

An official close to the situation told PEOPLE that Blair "was met by paramedics at LAX as soon as her plane arrived," who removed her from the aircraft on a stretcher after witnesses reported to TMZ that she started to cry during the flight, as she spoke about fears regarding an unnamed male after allegedly mixing wine and medication.

"He burns my private parts. He won't let me eat or drink," she reportedly stated. "He beats me. He's going to kill me."

The source also confirmed that it seemed "she had taken a combination of prescription medication with alcohol," but that it was unclear "what sort of prescription medications."

Fantastic.  It's good that she has a child because this is clearly a woman who can handle taking care of another life.  Like, seriously, is anyone looking into that?  I mean, if Cracky-Sue down the block pulls this shit, the gov'mint gone done take her baby but with Selma Blair it's like-aww...here's hoping she feels better...sheesh, says I...sheesh and sheesh again.

Anton Yelchin, 27, Dies in Car Crash

Very sad news here.

Anton Yelchin, best known for playing Chekov in the Star Trek movies has died at the age of 27.  Authorities say that that Yelchin stepped out of his car at his home when the car slid backwards and pinned him against a brick pillar and a security fence.  Yelchin's tragic death is one of many this year of people that we did not want to say goodbye to. 

R.I.P. Ron Lester

Ron Lester, who stared most famously as Billy Bob in Varsity Blues has died of liver and kidney failure at the age of 45.  This dude was larger than life and seemed like just a genuinely awesome human being.  Rest easy, Ron.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

The Greendale Human Being

 

You can't get much more politically correct or HOT!

Mila Kunis Pregnant with Second Child

 

It seems that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis will be welcoming another child to the world, which is a bit of good news following a week of "fuck, the world is a dark fucking place and we are all doomed."  Anywhoseville, while these two are all "mature" and "having kids" I have been keeping myself quite busy with this paper clip chain that I started back in February.  This baby is a champion and totally not "a waste of company time and resources."  Psshh...people be jealous of the guy with the chain.