Law & Order's Jason Alexander (NOT GEORGE) Was Arrested for Having Child Pornography on his Computer

 

Via UsMagazine: 

 

According to Westchester County District Attorney Janet DiFiore, Alexander was charged "for possessing and file-sharing illegal and obscene performances of sexual conduct by children less than 17 years of age.”
The longtime producer and director -- who directed 52 episodes of NBC’s long-running crime drama, and whose credits also include The Blacklist and Rescue Me — was charged with one count of promoting a sexual performance by a child and one count of possessing an obscene sexual performance by a child after an investigator traced a July 24 download of a child pornography to his home.

Get a good look, COSTANZA? Sorry, that's not funny.  How many times is Jason Alexander going to have the same name as someone who first off, married Britney Spears in Vegas, and now, another one is jacking it to kiddie porn.  It's time, Jason.  It's time to change the name.  

Ben Affleck is Banging the Nanny

 

So Ben Affleck was having an affair with his hot nanny, which basically proves the point that the man will want to fuck the hot girl who takes care of his children (those airline commercials ain't lookin' too good now, are they Garner?)...while his wife goes off to do dumb independent movies about butter sculpting.  Come at me, feminists. 

Shia LaBeouf and His Girlfriend Have Public Beouf in Germany

Entertainment Tonight has obtained videotape of Shia LaBeouf and his girlfriend Mia Goth in a fight in the streets of Germany on Friday where the actor repeatedly threatened to get violent by saying that he did not want  to get violent. Aww, classic Shia. Anywho, some nice German men offered Shia a ride to the airport to remove him from the volatile situation. During the ride, which is also videotaped,  Shia confides he would have killed Mia if he stayed, and attempts to facetime Megan Fox, who shockingly does not answer. Don't worry Shia, she doesn't answer when I facetime her either. Her phone must not have that capability. I'm sure Shia will say this is all just part of an installation art piece or a segment he taped for Sprockets. Either way check it out.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ezs8UH789HE

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!!

Luscheck from Orange Is the New Black

He's electric! Boogie woogie, woogie woogie!

I Am Cait Premieres. I Am Sick following.

This is just great, okay (Bruce Jenner's voice). Because this person and this person's various dresses have really not been getting the attention they deserve! Do you know I went a whole minute on the tv without hearing about Caitlyn Jenner?!! That is outrageous. What we need is an 8 part docuseries showing us what it really means to be a woman--the hair, the makeup, the clothes--oh yes please Bruce Jenner show me what you think it is to be a woman!! Let me tell you something as a WOMAN, it's a lot more than dresses and shoes, you are trivializing a gender that you just joined--is that really how you want to come to the party? For the record, as a woman I dress more like you dressed when you were a man than any of the shit you're wearing now! You have not become a woman Bruce--you have become a Kardashian (cue Twilight Zone music)

R.I.P. Bobbi Kristina Brown

Almost 6 months after being found unresponsive in a bathtub in her Roswell, GA home, Bobbi Kristina Brown has passed away at the age of 22. Bobbi Kristina never regained consciousness after her near-drowning and was moved to hospice in June. The circumstances of her death are eerily similar to that of her mother, Whitney Houston who was found unconscious in a bathtub in February of 2012. Regardless of how she lived her life or the choices she made, this is a very sad end to a very tragic life. We hope you finally find peace and happiness.

An Unprecedented Endorsement

 

Hey guys-so I'm a huge dick who never says anything nice about anyone because fuck them, I live in my parents' basement and need a special cable to watch my stories but I NEED to plug this movie... What We Do in the Shadows is probably the funniest new movie I have seen in a decade.  It's by the geniuses who brought you Flight of the Conchords, and is shot in a great documentary style, following none other than some very choice vampires.  Watch it...or don't and see if I care.  I care.

Birdman Outs Lil Wayne; Admits that He was Once Bisexual

 

 So basically, in the wake of all the drama circling these two old hens, Birdman pulled a total Mean Girls move and has outed Lil Wayne as gay, and then admitted that he himself was also bi-sexual once, but that was only because "the mind plays tricks on people".  (Actual Birdman quote).

Ah well, every couple has their ups and downs.  Don't worry kids, you'll make it in these crazy times and one day, Lil Wayne, Birdman will put a ring on that finger and you guys will have that cottage in New Hampshire you've always talked about.

Guess Who?

 

Guess who this is? Can ya? huh? Huh? 

 

That's right...it's Billy Idol.  JK you guys it's disguise master, Tilda Swinton...hahahaha you don't care.

Ariana Grande was Totally Just Concerened for America's Health, You Guys

 

Okay so instead of admitting that she was just being a brain-dead douche trying to be funny (we've all been there), Ariana Grande tried to spin her doughnut licking into a call for attention to America's obesity problem...via TV Guide: 

 "As an advocate for healthy eating, food is very important to me and I sometimes get upset by how freely we as Americans eat and consume things without giving any thought to the consequences that it has on our health and society as a whole," she continued. "The fact that the United States has the highest child obesity rate in the world frustrates me. We need to do more to educate ourselves and our children about the dangers of overeating and the poison that we put into our bodies. We need to demand more from our food industry. However I should have known better in how I expressed myself; and with my new responsibility to others as a public figure I will strive to be better."

Okay, awesome...so when I go to Giant Eagle and destroy their sample tables, I can just say it's for some bullshit cause like obesity awareness and totally not get thrown out?  Does the same rule apply for rubbing the recent paperback releases from Barnes & Noble on my nads because to be honest I am pretty sick of being asked to leave when I don't have pants on. 
 

Here is Caitlyn Jenner's New Ride

 

Photo Credit: TMZ

Oh good, so now he can rear-end someone in a much faster car...

Because life is fair and I'm stuck driving a 1995 Saturn, this is a picture of Caitlyn Jenner's new Lambo, which, by the way cost $400k.  I hope when I get tits put in and start calling myself by a stripper-spelled name I can one day afford this too...because, you know, America.  

Dead Man Found in Demi Moore's Pool

Okay this is pretty weird...

A 21 year old man was found dead in Demi Moore's swimming pool on July 18th, but the really weird part is that none of the Moore clan was home at the time of the incident, but somehow parties were being hosted at the house?  What's the deal Moore family?  We want answers!  NOTE: question the butler.

Prayers for Those Killed in Chattanooga

 

We need to stop for a moment and just look at the faces of the heroes killed by a fucking cocksucker piece of shit for no fucking reason other than he's a piece of brainwashed human waste.  Sorry for the potty mouth but these guys did NOT deserve to die that way-or at all.  Prayers for them and their families.  We're with you guys.  

Caitlyn Jenner Bullied ESPN into Giving Her ESPY Award

 

Yes...very courageous to take away the award from a girl who died of brain cancer and a fucking WAR HERO...super courageous...tell me, if I get tit implants, will I be called courageous or is that only reserved for those profiteering from the transgender community under the guise of "helping them"...wake up people, this person is not out to help the LGBT community...Jenner is out to make the $500 million that this whole circus has granted her/him (sorry bro, you still got a dick).  

Whoo, sorry, but melty face up there has gotten me kinda pissed.  I mean, I'm for equal rights but I am NOT for profiteering off of other people's struggles.  Anywho, here's the story: Apparently, Caitlyn Jenner totally bullied her way into getting the courage award, and basically said that she wouldn't do the big Diane Sawyer interview that started all this nonsense if she wasn't given the Arthur Ashe Award.  (Both ABC and ESPN are owned by Disney).  

So yeah, those of you who are all like "oh she's so brave"...rethink that shit.  There are people out there who actually deserved that award by performing actual acts of courage, not by shrewd business moves that only benefited themselves.

UPDATE: D.L. Hughley said it best...peep the video below!

 

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner Try to Pretend they Don't Want to Murder Each Other

 

fuck you, no fuck you, no fuck you 

Here are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner trying to pretend they don't want to kick each other in the nuts for the sake of their kids.  I love celeb post-break up family pictures, because chances are, one of them just told the other that they have herpes.

Oh Look, Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley got some Tail

 

Haha I know that's Lena Dunham, silly...what I'm saying is she looks like a middle-aged 70's comedy sidekick.  

Because Taylor Swift is just so super and has such a super group of girlfriends that come to watch her perform her bullshit, she pulled her BFF'sforfuckingeverImeanityouguysifweeveraren'tbff'si'llkillyouwithapillow! on stage to march around with her.  Of course her friends all consist of hot 6 foot tall supermodels and then there's Lena Dunham who looks like the dude who owns the Hallmark store in the creepy part of town.  You can almost hear the cartoon trumpet going WAH WAH WAAAHHHHHH.  

Caitlynn Jenner's Face Made Water During ESPY Awards Speech

Okay, so click above for the full speech and please notice just how creepy it is to hear a full on Bruce Jenner voice coming out of Caitlyn Jenner's overly-done mouth.  Seriously, it's Twin Peaks-y.  

Jessica Simpson's Tits are Channeling Pamela Anderson from Twenty Years Ago

Though I've always maintained that Jessica Simpson post Nick Lachey looks like a Barbie Doll with it's head shoved back on too hard, this picture doesn't look half bad.  I mean, she's a thirty-five year old mother playing dress-up with her kids nowhere in sight, but besides that, good for you, ya crazy broad.

These Two Might Be a Couple

 

Now it's not confirmed yet but it appears that Bethenny Frankel may have sunken her claws into the delicious fluff of Eric Stonestreet.  I know you don't care.  You're just humoring me aren't you?  Just like my ex-wife...*sigh* I don't have an ex-wife.  The only person I ever proposed to told me that I had to leave Bed, Bath & beyond immediately or the police would be called.  Oh, and she made me put on pants.  Damn bitch-acting all high and mighty because she's the manager.  Some of us are still trying to find our way, Sue!

Damn, Elle MacPherson

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 51 year old Elle MacPherson.  Holy Moly.

Uhm..What?

Okay so this fucking guy...El Chapo, the escaped Mexican drug lord is fucking tweeting at Donald Trump and they can't fucking find him?  And not for nothing, bro but you're kinda proving the Donald's points so maybe keep your pretty mouth shut.  

Justin Bieber: Unexpected Voice of Reason

Okay guys, sorry for yet another Kardashian/Jenner post, but this was so stupid it has to be written about.

Okay, so Kylie Jenner posted a picture of herself wearing cornrows the other day on her Instagram.  A year ago, this would be no big whoop and not even made the news, but because we live in politically correct Nazi Germany now, Amandla Stenberg (who I just realized exists...apparently she's in the Hunger Games?) got a stick up her ass and basically called Jenner a racist.  Seriously.  

Anywho, the Biebs got in on the controversy, and actually made some good points.  He hopped onto the internets to tell everyone to leave her alone and that she is not a racist.  

I mean, come the fuck on people.  Cornrows are not blackface.  Kylie Jenner is definitely not racist...actually she's the pc police's wet dream.  She's dating a black guy who fucks trannies, which in today's world is like winning the goddam Nobel Peace Prize. 

John Stamos is in Rehab

 

Greek god John Stamos has entered rehab for substance abuse, following a June DUI and hospital stay.  We sincerely hope Uncle Jesse pulls it together! 

Tyga Banged a Tranny; Internet is Mad at You for not saying he Banged a "Woman"

 

 

Okay, so Tyga apparently has been cheating on Kylie Jenner with transgendered porn star Mia Isabella.  Of course, that's not the story here...the story is the fact that the fart-sniffing police are pissed at bloggers and commenters for calling Tyga "gay" because that demeans the womanliness of the chick with a dick above.  Seriously...these are our issues now.  To not hurt the feelings of the transsexual porn star he is cheating on his 17 year old girlfriend with.  

Here's the Lady Ghostbusters Cast

 

Let me guess...Melissa McCarthy plays the fat funny one who falls down a lot...did I get it? 

Presenting Tasteless Entertainment's Top 5 Summer Stoner Movies to Watch When you're High!

Hey guys, so I'm bored at work which means my mind has wandered on over to which summer movies truly spell magic for us like-minded ne'er do well types.  So I figured while my boss is hovering over Linda's desk, trying to get a sweet look at her sweater meat, I would compile a list of great stoner summer flicks for you beautiful people.  Sidebar....the list was supposed to be ten, but I'm a lazy, lazy guy, so feel free to add your own pics in the comments!

 

5.) JAWS (1975): The scariest on the list, this movie will cause some fun munchie behavior.  Perfect for a damp summer night.

  4.) WANDERLUST (2012): Honestly, one of the funniest movies of all time.  This flick does not get enough love but trust me-the Paul Rudd mirror scene alone will have you on the floor.  This movie is both parts comforting and funny as all fuck.

  3.) WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER (2001): Like Wanderlust, this flick was also directed by comedy genius David Wain, so a lot of the same actors make appearances.  Perfect stoner comedy...with a ton of young A-listers doing their best send-ups of classic summer comedies like Meatballs and the Bad News Bears.  Bonus: catch it on Netflix along with Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp, the hilarious prequel series premiering at the end of July. 

  2.) JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS (2001): Trust Me. 

1.) DAZED AND CONFUSED (1993): Of course this little darling is number one...it's perfect in every little way. And ladies...McConaughey wears some very tight-ass pants.  Catch ya later!

  

You all have a good day, now.

What the Fucking Fuck, Ariana Grande?

Okay...what the fuck is with this bitch right here?  Apparently, Miss "I'm too short and impish to play by polite human rules" up there not only spit on a bunch of donuts at  shop in California, but also tongued them, made her backup dancer lick one, and also went on an anti-American rant.  For the record, Cuntface was born in America so I'm not really sure where she was going with that.  Anywho, click above to see a bit of what she did.  And also, if you were one of the patrons that accidentally ate her spit donuts, please, please see a veterinarian immediately.  She got worms.

HOTTIE OF THE DAY!

Jenny Fromdabloc

 

If you don't know, get out we aren't friends anymore.  

I'm just kidding, I love you, don't leave.

Here is Scott Disick Starring in his Very Own After-School Special

Okay, I'm not sure who snapped this cliche of a "drug problem" picture, but COME ON...the pills neatly set in piles, the open beers...the whole thing just smacks of a 1980's PSA movie...I'm expecting Helen Hunt to bust through a window any minute on account of the Angel Dust she ONLY TRIED ONCE YOU GUYS!  Sidebar: Scott Disick and I drink the same brand of water...Nirvana bitches! 

Ben Affleck Cheated on Jennifer Garner

 

That's right ladies, Ben Affleck cheated on Jennifer Garner...shocker.  Here's some words strung together from UsWeekly: 

 One pal claims, in the past year, Garner told her friends that Affleck had “admitted to cheating” with an attractive love interest. A devastated Garner kicked the two-time Oscar winner out of their $17.5 million home in L.A.’s Pacific Palisades, “but eventually decided to forgive him,” says the insider. Meanwhile, a source close to Affleck insists, “Ben did not cheat on Jen.” The A-listers may be the only ones who know the truth, but at least one thing seems certain: Garner's trust had been irrevocably broken.

The attractive love interest?  None other than Matt Damon.  

Harry Shearer is Back on the Simpsons; Pulled a David Lynch

 

  Okay Simpsons fans, it looks like Harry Shearer is back on board and will be returning to voice the characters we know and love.  Why, you ask?  Because screw you, Flanders.

Oh Damn Scott Disick

So Scott Disick went on vacation in the south of France and apparently got a little lonely because that hottie up there is definitely not monotone baby mama Kourtney Kardashian, but rather his ex-girlfriend and owner of a non-ruined vagina, Chloe Bartoli.  Sources say he is "terrified" to come home after these photos surfaced, and I can imagine why:

KOURTNEY: uhScottdidyoufeelupyourexonabeachinthesouthofFraaaance?

SCOTT: Yeah babe I was rolling pretty hard and oh boy did we bang.

KOURTNEY: youaresuchapigiI'mbreakingupwithyouohwaitnoI'mnotbecausenobodyelsewouldeverwanttobeinthesameroomasme.

SCOTT: Going to the Hamptons...see yourself out.

KOURTNEY: Okkaaaayyyyy.

I thank you.  

These Two Messes Met the Dalai Lama

Honestly, I don't see how any holy man could truly see these two and think "the fuck is happening with the world?"  Also, they managed to snap a selfie while at the meet and greet-because why the fuck not?  

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis Got Hitched

Apparently it was a secret hush hush affair.  Quite frankly, I thought they were already married...they're boring is what I'm saying.  

Happy Birthday, 'Merica

Happy Fourth Everyone!  I'm taking a three-day break but I will see your independent asses Monday!  

Here's Miley Cyrus Making Out with Stella Maxwell

 

Photo Credit: TMZ

Here is notorious attention whore Miley Cyrus (whom I love by the way), making out with her new girlfriend, Victoria's Secret model, Stella Maxwell.  Look at those crazy kids, going at it in gold sequins, on the set of a music video in front of hundreds of cameras.  Ahh, just like my first summer love with Glenda, the slow lady janitor from my school.  Where did you go, Glenda?  Do you look at the same stars as me every night?

Oh I'm Sure Kate Middleton Loves This

 

Okay first off I just want to CLARIFY for the overly-excitable people who like to add "phobic" to everything to make themselves feel fancy that I am NOT ANTI-TRANSGENDER or whatever the fuck.  I think everyone has a right to do whatever as long as it doesn't hurt anyone.  That being said, the internet has been circulating photos comparing Kate Middleton's style to Caitlyn Jenner and I just gotta say...I mean, no.   Just because he is transgendered doesn't automatically make him a princess.  At best, he looks like this lady now:

Ben Afffleck and Jennifer Garner are Dunzo

 

That's right, this red hot passion couple have split after eleven years of what I can only assume was a very sweater-filled marriage.  I don't know, something about these two is just so boring...they are what Monday looks like in people form.  Anywho, I digress...the split follows his odd 2013 Oscar acceptance speech where he basically told the world that they have a shitty marriage so it's no big surprise.  Soooo... congratulations you two!